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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be in a total state over ds7 having his tonsils out and considering cancelling

152 replies

MilaMae · 26/03/2011 11:17

Ds has an enlarged tonsil.

When he's ill it swells up,it annoys him all the time.He constantly throat clears,coughs etc.It drives his peers mad(and he gets teased).

When he does a lot of activity(eg long bike ride,running around) he has to catch his breath more than his twin.He dislikes reading aloud etc.He ended up in A&E with flu at Xmas due to the damn thing making him think he couldn't breath(his twin didn't).

Anyhow I was thrilled we'd got a date but after a hospital visit(form signing etc),speaking to friends etc I'm now crapping myself,seriously. The consultants are happy to do it but kind of handed the decision over to us.

The dtwins are long awaited IVF twins and I feel like I'm spirally back into this fraught filled ttc,newborn anxiety days ie convinced he's going to be taken away. We've been the 1 in 10000 before so even though there is only a tiny chance of anything bad happening I've blown it up big time.

I get really tearful when thinking about it,can't think about it etc. He's very excited which makes it worse. If something happens I'll never be able to forgive myself as obviously he could poke up with it.

Really don't know what to do.I know I deserve a virtual slap and many mothers have far worse to worry about so I feel bad being so silly but I really am terrified.

So should I cancel or not?

OP posts:
Chil1234 · 26/03/2011 11:20

Don't cancel because this isn't about you, it's about his quality of life. It would be selfish to deny him the chance to live without constant coughing just because you've got the jitters. Instead, talk your fears through with the medical team, ask about how many similar ops they do, the success rates & understand the real risks. My own son faced an operation at the tender age of 3 weeks. And whilst handing him over to a surgeon was without doubt the hardest thing I will probably ever do, it was something that had to be done.

Northernlurker · 26/03/2011 11:21

Cancel if you want but everytime he's ill with his tonsil you will have to live with the fact that you could have done something about it but you were too scared.

suzikettles · 26/03/2011 11:26

You are not being unreasonable to feel this way. This is a scary thing for you to go through.

Before you cancel though you need to weigh up how you will feel if you cancel (hugely relieved I assume) against ds's ongoing quality of life - it sounds like it is affecting him on a day to day basis.

So, he puts up with it because the operation is a serious risk to his health - reasonable

He puts up with it because the operation (like all) carries a tiny risk, but will put you through hell - so difficult, but not so reasonable I don't think.

I really feel for you. To have gone through what you did to get him must make medical procedures much harder, but this doesn't really sound like a minor ailment to me.

boosmummie · 26/03/2011 11:26

Seriously I wouldn't cancel. DD2 and DS both had theirs done, adenoid and grommets (grommets more than once in DS) and it transformed their lives (and ours too) DD2 particularly had 9 bouts of tonsillitis in one year and it got worse with each one. You are with him when he has anaesthetic and you're with him again in recovery, it's over so quickly and his quality of life once the op is done will be heaps better than if he doesn't get it done. Also, I have heard that the older they get, the more painful the post-op. Mine were about 5 and 6 and they were jigging around the same afternoon.

squeakytoy · 26/03/2011 11:26

He will not thankyou as he continues to suffer with this.

You have to stop looking at the odds in the way you are doing. Its not good for you at all. :)

boosmummie · 26/03/2011 11:28

Meant to say also, DS born at 28 weeks so I can totally sympathise with you on the terror of GA and any hospital stuff.

seeker · 26/03/2011 11:30

Think about how you would explain cancelling to him if you did.

Then pin on the brave, confident, everything's going to be fine mummy face and keep it there . You know you have to.

Think how much happier he'll be afterwards.

LadyThumb · 26/03/2011 11:33

My son, and brother, both had to have their tonsils out when adults. Twas not pretty. Don't cancel, because it sounds as though it is impinging on his daily life quite a lot and he is looking forward to getting rid of the problem.

Just keep smiling (though terrified) so you don't transfer your feelings to him. Good luck!

Tee2072 · 26/03/2011 11:34

My son had surgery at 13 months to remove a benign lump from his side.

The anaesthesiologist told me that not once in his over 25 years of practice had anyone had a bad reaction to the GA, which I assume is your biggest fear.

So I would say the odds are much greater then 1 in 1000 and as a parent it is our job to swallow our, pretty much, irrational fears and do what's best for our children.

HeadfirstForHalos · 26/03/2011 11:36

YANBU to be worried, but YWBU to cancel.

My eldesthad to go for a routine hernia op 2 years ago, and I was so worried about the GA etc. But it needed to be done and it was fine. I was more worried than her!

newpup · 26/03/2011 11:39

I can undestand why you have those fears but I think that you know cancelling is not the right option. The consultants would not contemplate operating if they had any concerns and it is going to become more difficult to cope with the illness caused by them as he gets older.

Be strong and confident and get it over with. He will be much better afterwards and you will be glad you went for it.

It is hard but you know you have to put his best interests before your fears.

Good Luck! Smile

twopeople · 26/03/2011 11:45

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Original poster
MilaMae · 26/03/2011 11:46

If he had consistent tonsillitus it would help. He's very stoical so maybe he does and I just don't know,he says he has a sore throat a lot and the consultant says a lymph node is up which indicates old infection????He gets it but not as often as I had it pre tonsillectomy sp???? or my nephews who are having it done. Having said that he had 2 days off this week with a sore throat but others have been off longer.

He has a benign heart murmer which was a shock to discover and is also making me twitchy as we lost a friend to heart related SADS.

I just feel I'm in a catch 22 situation.It doesn't help as a dc friend said 7 is the worse age for tonsills and they improve,also said she wouldn't let her dc have it done. Having said that I've heard it's worse to have done as they get older. Also there was some discussion over a poss biopsy on said tonsill which would be worth doing.

We were really lucky to get a date so quickly so cancelling is a big thing and if he gets worse could stuff up any future dates.

Many,many ,many thanks all.I know I'm being a weed so I really appreciate all your posts. They really help.I think in RL you often get the voice of doom perhaps more than on here,I don't know. Once we're committed I'll plaster on the calm mummy face in spades,just need to banish all these panicky thoughts first and get a grip basically.He doesn't know I'm thinking like this which makes me feel a bit deceitful iykwim.

OP posts:
twopeople · 26/03/2011 11:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

harvalp · 26/03/2011 11:48

I had mine out when I was 8. Worst thing was that I only got the ice cream they promised me once. That's all I remember.

boosmummie · 26/03/2011 11:49

Good luck for him. And YOU and he will be fine. Grin Let us know how he gets on afterwards. And don't be daft - we're mothers. We're soppy cows that worry too much!!!!

IloveJudgeJudy · 26/03/2011 12:01

YANBU to be worried about it, but YWBU to cancel the operation. They don't take tonsils out willy-nilly nowadays afaik. Just think of how much better his life will be after the operation.

Hereforlife · 26/03/2011 12:03

I'm glad of this thread.
My DS has to have an operation on thursday, there is no option he has to have it.

I feel sick and my life is on hold until Thursday, but it's for the best.

I know how you feel, and it's made me think about all the petty worries and how important just being healthy is, the rest doesn't really matter.

Good luck.

FabbyChic · 26/03/2011 12:04

I had mine out when I was 11, and do not recall any sore throat or discomfort afterwards. I only had ice cream once too, bah humbug.

Original poster
MilaMae · 26/03/2011 12:08

Here I haven't made things worse have I?

I really wasn't sure re starting a thread for fear of upsetting others in a far worse situation.

I find it odd that when we got the date I was sooooo relieved as they're hard to come by but nearer the time panic has started. We're in 2 weeks time.

Good luck Smile

OP posts:
Piggyleroux · 26/03/2011 12:17

I don't think anyone should be advising you whether to cancel or not. It's your call.

All surgeries carry an element of risk, but the medics should have gone through this with you already.

You should make your decision based on risk/benefit ratio.

mayorquimby · 26/03/2011 12:19

No get it done. Had years of problems with my tonsils where I'd get tonsilitis at least once a year from about 8-18 because they we over-sized. By the time they realised it was going to be an ongoing problem they said I was only a couple of years from essentially growing into them so it wasn't worth the operation at that stage.
As minor as it seems tonsilitis is incredibly annoying and painful, not in a dramatic broken limb way but in a constantly annoying way, and every time you have to swallow a small bit of saliva it feels like glass. I wish I'd had mine out when I was really young would have saved me years of hassle.

lesley33 · 26/03/2011 12:21

Don't worry about the benign heart murmer. I have this and it is called benign for a reason. The words heart murmur sound scary but all it really means is that hen th Dr listens to your heart they hear a sound that is a bit different to the norm. And when they say benign they mean, yes we hear a noise that is a bit different, but medically it means nothing.

The only reason the Dr's are saying it is up to you is because:

  1. They think he will be fine so they would not recommend not to have it done.
  2. The symptoms affect his quality of life but they are not going to kill him, so they are not saying that he has to have it done.

The fact though that he is excited about the operation does suggest that the symptoms are having a real impact on his everday life.

I know hearing the worst case scenarios are scary. But the reality is nearly everything in life that we do has a worst case scenario that is very unlikely to happen to us. So we go out in a car, we could get hit by a lorry going too fast killing us all. We drive in a storm, we could get struck by lightening killing us all. Yes all these things do happen to people, but because they are so rare we need to be brave and get on with life.

boosmummie · 26/03/2011 12:22

Fabby count yourself lucky you got ice cream at all. DD2 was so excited at the prospect, however they made her eat toast as it helps prevent infection and she was seriously pissed off!

Original poster
MilaMae · 26/03/2011 12:23

Piggy that's my problem because it's not life threatening ie he could just poke up with it.

I thought the risks were small then the nurse put the fear of god into me when I just tried to shrug it off as a routine op.I'm really confused I guess.

I'm not a medical person,said friend is a gp(but not a hosp consultant and I don't know her that well).It was my fault for wittering on about itBlush,I must be boring the crap out of all and sundry at the mo.Dp is petrified so I try not to chat to him about it.

I'm guessing the GA risk in reality is low(although the hospital don't like you thinking that) ,benefits are good so....?????

OP posts:
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