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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be so angry with h about this

188 replies

TheJoyOfSeething · 23/03/2011 08:48

I am a namechanger.
Fruit shoots, Terry Wogan's cock and [wunk]ing.

At quarter to seven this morning, my h just fucking shoved his dick in me (I was asleep although I woke immediately) thrust four or five times, came and then jumped out of bed.

I was (still am) furious. I didn't want sex, there was no initiation from either side and he must have been working himself up to the point where he was able to do this while lying next to me and so treated me like some kind of fucking finishing tool and hurt me.

When I confronted him by asking what the hell he was thought he just did and what fucking right he had to do that to me, he actually fucking said 'well, you're my wife aren't you?'

I do not fucking understand what is fucking wrong with him. We have been together 9 years and this has never before happened, he cannot see that it was wrong and our sex life is quite 'normal' (ha!) in the main. He does paw at me quite a lot which annoys the hell out of me but I just do not understand this at all. The last time we had regular sex was yesterday ffs.

My chest feels tight and I feel shakey out of sheer anger.

The really fucking ironic thing he is now annoyed with me for keeping going on about it.

OP posts:
FreudianSlippery · 23/03/2011 08:51

WTF. Did you tell him it is rape!

Hammy02 · 23/03/2011 08:51

That is shocking. I'm not surprised you are son annoyed. I am so shocked I have no words. I hope he realises how badly he has behaved.

Hammy02 · 23/03/2011 08:52

so annoyed

Grumpla · 23/03/2011 08:53

Fucking hell. Nothing like a spot of marital rape to set you up for the day.

squeakytoy · 23/03/2011 08:53

Dont blame you for being furious. I would be too.

Its not far off being rape. Only difference is you didnt even get a chance to say no. I would be livid.

CharCharGabor · 23/03/2011 08:54

:O Bloody hell, that's awful! YANBU at all, what FreudianSlippery said too. That is just appalling, why on earth would he think that was acceptable??

LornaGoon · 23/03/2011 08:55

'well, you're my wife aren't you?'
WTF! YASoooNBU; just fucking awful.

Lawm01 · 23/03/2011 08:55

Wow! without wanting to sound over-dramatic, I think you this is bordering on assault.

How dare he? he used you and had no regard for your body or feelings.
To give him the benefit of the doubt, maybe he woke with a 'morning glory' and rather than deal with it himself, he thought he'd wake you up with a quick bit of fun?

Stretching it a bit, I admit, I'm just trying to think of how he could possibly have thought his behaviour was wanted or reasonable.
Maybe he feels guilty about his actions and is now on the defensive?
I don't for a minute think you're U to feel angry at him. And I don't think he can reasonably expect to get away without some serious words from you.

But perhaps you can agree to not talk about it right now because it'll only end in a massive row and bad feeling on both sides. But tell him you want to talk about it this evening to express to him in a calm way how he made you feel.
With a bit of luck, he'll be mulling on it all day and see the error of his ways.

ZacharyQuack · 23/03/2011 08:56

Squeaky - it IS rape. Not getting a chance to say no does not mean you have consented.

OP, it's rape and you should make bloody sure that he knows that it is.

IreneHeron · 23/03/2011 08:56

That could be construed as marital rape. I'd read the riot act and ban him from the bedroom. So fucking angry for you.

HampstersDontSwim · 23/03/2011 08:56

Dear lord!
That is just... ords fail me Sad Angry

FoofffyShmoofffer · 23/03/2011 09:00

Yanbu. You must be an absolute mess of emotions.Sad

Don't let this go.Angry He HAS to see how wrong that was.

JessicaDrew · 23/03/2011 09:01

and i bet if he had woken you first and done some romancing you would probably had obliged and fully participated
he was out of order, make him realise it and move on

Vallhala · 23/03/2011 09:01

It's rape. Pure and simple. Nonconsensual sex = rape.

He needs to realise this and fast. I'm no expert, I have no idea about the correct, approved way of dealing with this but my way would be to tell him that until he deals with his issues about women he either sleeps on the sofa or gets the fuck out.

bullet234 · 23/03/2011 09:02

"Its not far off being rape."

No, it IS rape.

"Wow! without wanting to sound over-dramatic, I think you this is bordering on assault"

No, it IS assault.

OP, you would be well within your rights to contact the police and have your h charged as a result of this act. He did not gain consent, he forced himself upon you, he showed no remorse or guilt or concern for you afterwards.

Original poster
TheJoyOfSeething · 23/03/2011 09:02

Firstly, sorry about all the bad language in my op.

Knowing how long it takes him to get to orgasm generally, I don't think this was a case of morning glory fun lawm but I also do not think rape is what it was either.

I am just so worked up about it that I cannot just let it be. Not sure what to do about it though.
He is at work now so won't be talking to him about it any time soon.

OP posts:
ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 23/03/2011 09:06

I think the correct response here is to go abso-fucking-lutely apeshit. Under no circumstances should this happen again. Ask him if it's acceptable for you to shove something up his arse one morning without his consent. And remind him that being his wife is a state of affairs which can be fairly easily reversed. He doesn't own your vagina Hmm

warthog · 23/03/2011 09:06

i'd tell him not to come home tonight.

TakeItOnTheChins · 23/03/2011 09:07

My ex did this to me twice - only it wasn't my front bottom he used. Just one of the many reasons why he's now my ex, but it's probably the main one.

springbokdoc · 23/03/2011 09:07

This isn't bordering on assault or could be construed as rape.
It is rape. Just because it happened between husband and wife does not change the fact that you had not consented and certainly are hurt by it.

I don't like threads were women are advised to kick their husbands out at the drop of the hat, but if my dh did this, he wouldn't be allowed anywhere near me until he realised what a fucking prick he was.

ZombiePlan · 23/03/2011 09:08

That's awful! That is rape. And his attitude is appalling - so it's ok for him to rape you, but you shouldn't "go on" about it. How terrible, nagging your rapist...

OK, big question - do you feel safe with your H? Is this really the first incident, or looking back can you see a few warning flags? Do you feel that he's normally a decent guy who's massively fucked up this one time, or is there an abusive undercurrent in your relationship? Establishing this is key to how you go about tackling the issue.

I don't want to seem unduly alarmist, but if I were in your shoes I think I would consider reporting it. Even if you feel that you want to patch things up with your H, having an independent record of this incident might be useful. You may find that you end up in a position where you want to prove that this has happened (eg if you decide that this is too big an isue for your marriage to continue and you wish to divorce).

As an aside, do you need the MAP? If you do, get off to the chemist asap - AFAIK it's most effective when taken early.

Crawling · 23/03/2011 09:10

Non consent= rape it is that simple. I would not be having any sex or feel happy with him being anywhere near me until my partner had drastically changed his views.

HipHopopotomus · 23/03/2011 09:11

I quite enjoyed all your swearing JOY - it wasn't too OTT considering the circumstances in which you were typing.

Fucking outrageous that's what it is - I would be seething too. I can only empathise with you though - can't think of anything practical to offer I'm afraid. All I can think of at the mo is shoving a huge dildo up his arse unexpectedly at 3am and the saying "sorry did I wake you? I'm enjoying it and you are my husband!" = As I said, not helpful. Apologies. What a prick!

Hey it's a beautiful day today - hope you can cool down somewhat and turn your day around.

Caron1968 · 23/03/2011 09:12

Fucking hell. I am a man and can see how wrong this is. There have been occasions in the past where my wife and I have initiated sex when one or the other was asleep, if one or the other woke up and was not in the mood then it went no further but often it was a nice way to be woken.
The fact that he was so defensive and not apologetic and that he thought it was his right makes him sound like a right twat.

Zellys · 23/03/2011 09:12

TheJoy, my H did something similar - well, almost identical really. I nearly left him over it, not because of the event itself but because of his attitude subsequently ("we've done stuff like that in the past" - no we hadn't, and "you didn't say no").; conversations afterwards revealed a sense of entitlement I truly hadn't suspected before.

It changed how I thought about him and killed our sex life for a long time because I was so angry and confused and repulsed by his attitude. I still flinch when he 'snuggles up' in bed sometimes.

I wish I could offer advice which would be useful - I did try to talk to some RL friends about it but their reactions just made me feel worse (one of them told me it was rape and I should call the police immediately, one of them said I must've given him some 'sign' I was up for it).

For my own sanity I didn't apply 'rape' to my experience - just because I'd then feel like I should follow through with it and leave him, and I didn't want to do that.

My attitude to my marriage has completely changed though and I am no longer so 100% convinced we are made for each other forever as I was.