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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be so angry with h about this

188 replies

TheJoyOfSeething · 23/03/2011 08:48

I am a namechanger.
Fruit shoots, Terry Wogan's cock and [wunk]ing.

At quarter to seven this morning, my h just fucking shoved his dick in me (I was asleep although I woke immediately) thrust four or five times, came and then jumped out of bed.

I was (still am) furious. I didn't want sex, there was no initiation from either side and he must have been working himself up to the point where he was able to do this while lying next to me and so treated me like some kind of fucking finishing tool and hurt me.

When I confronted him by asking what the hell he was thought he just did and what fucking right he had to do that to me, he actually fucking said 'well, you're my wife aren't you?'

I do not fucking understand what is fucking wrong with him. We have been together 9 years and this has never before happened, he cannot see that it was wrong and our sex life is quite 'normal' (ha!) in the main. He does paw at me quite a lot which annoys the hell out of me but I just do not understand this at all. The last time we had regular sex was yesterday ffs.

My chest feels tight and I feel shakey out of sheer anger.

The really fucking ironic thing he is now annoyed with me for keeping going on about it.

OP posts:
zikes · 23/03/2011 20:54

Yes, I mean, someone you love and live with betraying your trust and violating you - it's in no way 'better' than an attack by a stranger.

FuppyGish · 23/03/2011 20:57

Otchayaniye and Zikes - thank you, you said what I tried to say re rape but without getting deleted (possibly the fact that you, unlike me, refrained from calling anyone a 'cunt' helped Grin ) and much more eloquently.

fedupofnamechanging · 23/03/2011 20:58

Just wanted to say that i think you should speak to some of the organisations recommended on this thread. They will know how best to help and advise you.

If you did decide you wanted him to leave the house, I think that you should talk to someone in legal to find out what you can and can't do. Never hurts to know your options.

If you are selling the house, then it might be a good idea not to rush into buying another one, just in case you decide you would like to go your separate ways.

I'm really sorry OP, that you are having to deal with this. The fact that he cannot see what is wrong and has gone out, does not bode well for his general attitude to the relationship.

Mouseface · 23/03/2011 21:08
Sad

Spot on Zikes. Sex without consent is rape. End of.

So sorry you are going through this TheJoy. I hope you talk to your mum about this if you feel able too.

I have to say I'm not surprised that your H has gone out. I should imagine that he knows full well what he has done to you. Showing no remorse is a tell tale sign of that.

You are his wife, his wife to 'have' whenever he chooses. Hmm He doesn't see this as violation, he see this as an early morning shag. Sad

phooey · 23/03/2011 21:09

OP I'm sure if you are a regular on MN, you know how amazing the community can be at spotting when things are not right. I hope you have an rl support network to help you, you deserve so much better than this. You have your mum close, I hope you can make the first steps to getting rid of this absolute cunt of a man. Sorry but I'm so angry that any woman feels that this can be explained away and forgiven. It almost certainly would happen again even if he was sorry, and he's not Sad Angry Sad Angry

Mouseface · 23/03/2011 21:10

What I mean is, in his mind, it was an early morning shag and that's how he can carry on as normal.

roses2 · 23/03/2011 21:33

Good for you, I am really glad you have made evident that it was inappropriate and put him in his place whilst keeping your head on!

redexpat · 23/03/2011 22:17

YANBU. Sex without consent is rape. Even if you married to the guy. It is actually a criminal offence, even within marriage.

chuffinheck · 24/03/2011 06:46

Whatever Peter, people are missing the point here and just want to spew out "it was rape" Well the OP knows that, so thats just redundant venting which I find offensive as its selfish and disrespectful.

The issue was what should she do about it.

swallowedAfly · 24/03/2011 07:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

TandB · 24/03/2011 08:36

People are not missing the point. People are reassuring the OP that her strong feelings about this incident are valid and appropriate. Do you honestly think people are enjoying telling the OP that her husband of 9 years has raped her?

And as for what she should 'do' about it, surely the first thing that she should do is work out how she should be/is feeling about it.

swallowedAfly · 24/03/2011 08:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

chuffinheck · 24/03/2011 09:12

Yes SFly, we agree

swallowedAfly · 24/03/2011 09:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

RevoltingPeasant · 24/03/2011 09:14

OP bumping this in the hopes you come back and tell us you are okay and that nothing else bad happened last night.... :(

Did you talk to your mum about it?

JaxTellersOldLady · 24/03/2011 09:36

morning OP, how do you feel about things today?

browneyesblue · 24/03/2011 09:57

Hope you are okay OP

MsToni · 24/03/2011 10:08

@ HipHopopotomus

Classic!!! :)

I'm sorry I shouldn't laugh, but I cant stop giggling....but it will serve him right!

@ TheJoyOfSeething

That's awful and you have every right to be mad. You should sit his arse down and tell him how that made you feel and it must never happen again. (Hugs....sorry darling...Hugs)

ZombiePlan · 24/03/2011 10:11

Hope you're feeling ok today OP.

plopplopquack · 24/03/2011 10:20

I would just like to to say (FOR ONE LAST TIME!) that I didn't say he was a selfish lover (FFS! Shock). I said that from his point of view they were shagging. He just doesn't seem to think it was rape! That doesn't mean his view is correct (but I've said this many times and still people keep jumping on it). That's why he still went out and hasn't apologised properly. Or maybe he knows fully and it hoping to brazen it out!

OP How are you feeling today? I know it's not quite the same (at all) but when I was beaten by an ex I remember feeling like nothing would ever be the same again, everything had changed, and that there were somethings that relationships just can't come back from (or at least it would be incredibly hard to). It must be extremely frustrating for you OP that he won't acknowledge what he has done. I know when I was attacked, each time he would just deny it and find some way to turn it around and make it sound like I'd imagined it or it was my fault etc. It was the most confusing frustrating thing and makes it so hard to keep your head clear. I found that writing it all down helped and then if he starts twisting things you can refer back to what you have written to clear your head of his bollocks again.

dignified · 24/03/2011 10:59

Hope your ok Op , this is an awful thing to have happened and its not really about sex , more about how he veiws you and the blatant disregard he has for your feelings . His comment about you being his wife speaks volumes im afraid .

I do not think he did this because he was horny , i think he did it to dominate you and to reduce you to a sex object . He wanted to hurt you and for you to be upset , he then deliberateley chose to not hear you . This is sexual abuse and in my experience it rarely occurs on its own , usually occuring with other forms of abuse whether thats emotional or financial , or being controlling ect.

You say he paws at you all the time and im assuming youve told him to stop and he continues anyway , it would seem that this assault is an escalation of that . Not wanting to alarm you but i do think you need to speak to someone about this , perhaps womans aid or the like , because sexual abuse often gets worse and theres obviously a whole lot of other dynamics going on in your relationship that you might not be aware of.

I think your absoluteley right to not have him in your bed now op , i hope your ok.

dignified · 24/03/2011 11:08

Just wanted to add as well op , that he is also being emotionally abusive by refusing to listen to you and getting annoyed at you " going on about it ".

Do speak to people in real life if you feel you can , the fact hes lighter than you is neither here not there , this goes on a lot but is often not talked about .

plopplopquack · 24/03/2011 11:08

I was wondering if there has been any other signs of this sort of bahaviour from him (I know you've mentioned the pawing).

QueenStromba · 24/03/2011 11:57

Please come back and tell us you're ok OP.

Greenkit · 24/03/2011 16:15

Sending you lots of love and a hug, hope your feeling clearer today x