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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be so angry with h about this

188 replies

TheJoyOfSeething · 23/03/2011 08:48

I am a namechanger.
Fruit shoots, Terry Wogan's cock and [wunk]ing.

At quarter to seven this morning, my h just fucking shoved his dick in me (I was asleep although I woke immediately) thrust four or five times, came and then jumped out of bed.

I was (still am) furious. I didn't want sex, there was no initiation from either side and he must have been working himself up to the point where he was able to do this while lying next to me and so treated me like some kind of fucking finishing tool and hurt me.

When I confronted him by asking what the hell he was thought he just did and what fucking right he had to do that to me, he actually fucking said 'well, you're my wife aren't you?'

I do not fucking understand what is fucking wrong with him. We have been together 9 years and this has never before happened, he cannot see that it was wrong and our sex life is quite 'normal' (ha!) in the main. He does paw at me quite a lot which annoys the hell out of me but I just do not understand this at all. The last time we had regular sex was yesterday ffs.

My chest feels tight and I feel shakey out of sheer anger.

The really fucking ironic thing he is now annoyed with me for keeping going on about it.

OP posts:
NinkyNonker · 23/03/2011 09:14

Wow.

Mumofaflump · 23/03/2011 09:15

My ex did that to me - and it is rape. You have not consented, it is non-consenual sex - it is rape.

Ask him to flip the situation, ask him how he would feel if he heard his sister had been treated like that. Or a daughter.

The attitude of "well, you are my wife" is disgustingly Neanderthal.

FoofffyShmoofffer · 23/03/2011 09:16

On another thread recently someone used the term "Penis Socket".
That's what you were to him this morning. A bit of furniture.
I don't think there was any malicious intent behind it, infact I don't think there was any thought behind it at all.

He HAS to know how unacceptable this is and how lucky he is that you AREN'T treating this as marital rape or assault.

(Cos plainly speaking it was)

ZombiePlan · 23/03/2011 09:21

Just wanted to link to this thread on rape and the issue of consent. I think you should have a think about this before you talk to your H.

I can understand that you might not want to think of this as rape, but not wanting to classify it in that way will not change the nature of what he has done to you. Please don't feel that you have to pretend that he didn't rape you in order to feel comfortable staying in your relationship. The only way you will ever be able to really trust him again is if you really delve into this issue and rout the underlying problem. Papering over the issue will not help you in the long term.

Numberfour · 23/03/2011 09:22

I agree that it was rape. So sorry.

Makingaminime · 23/03/2011 09:23

Fucking hell. I hope you are ok, have a Brew I would be fucking raging if hubby did this, I can't even picture him doing it in my head to be honest, it is so far outside the sphere of normal behaviour.

His attitude afterwards is horrible! I don't know what to suggest other than give him hell!

YANBU x 1 million

StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 23/03/2011 09:37

I agree that this was rape, but I also understand why you wouldn't want to call it that yourself - as Zellys says, for your own mental health.

Do you think you'll be able to talk to him later today, and try to get him to see how unacceptable what he did is? Perhaps show him this thread, and maybe what's said here will bring home to him how unacceptable what he did was.

Is there someone you can talk to in r/l about this - a friend or family member perhaps? If not, can I suggest that you contact Rape Crisis - they have a helpline you can talk to.

ScroobiousPip · 23/03/2011 09:43

So Angry for you TheJoy.

This is so far away from acceptable sexual behaviour I am struggling to comprehend it in an otherwise healthy relationship. I'm concerned too that you don't regard it as rape. It is.

clam · 23/03/2011 09:45

I am totally and utterly shocked.
I would never sleep with him again - not just because of the original act, but because of his attitude since. How can you have a relationship with someone who a) thinks that's OK in the first place, b) tries to justify it and c) belittles you for "going on about it."

Take care of yourself.

altinkum · 23/03/2011 09:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TattyDevine · 23/03/2011 10:02

I can only imagine that he seemed to think he could assume your consent in advance, that because you had consensual sex with him yesterday and throughout your 9 year marriage, that there were unlikely to be any circumstances where it was a definite no. This, obviously, is wrong, and just because you are married does not mean you automatically consent to sex always and under any circumstances.

Perhaps he thought you might find it sexy to be "taken" by surprise. Once again, very wrong to not get your consent or opinion beforehand but perhaps his intention was more to thrill you than to humiliate you.

None of this helps unless he sees the error of his ways and has a major attitude readjustment about the situation AND you are able to forgive his behaviour.

swallowedAfly · 23/03/2011 10:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Deliainthemaking · 23/03/2011 10:37

what everyone else said totallt. totally wrong

ChaoticAngelofAnarchy · 23/03/2011 10:50

It was rape Angry

What worries me most though is his whole attitude that he somehow had the right to have sex with you without your consent. That he's accusing you of overreacting, you aren't.

kreecherlivesupstairs · 23/03/2011 10:52

Nothing to add, I can't imagine being in that situation. I am lucky.

Aims80 · 23/03/2011 10:56

god you poor thing. I'd be LIVID. He can't use you as a tool like that, you may as well have been a blow up doll for god's sake! Ask him if he respects you at all? How DARE he just stick his dick in because he wants to! It is NOT your duty as a wife to cater to his every sexual whim. It is assault, even if you don't want to frame it that way.

I'd show him this thread to show him what other people think to be honest. He needs to take a good look at himself.

Buda · 23/03/2011 10:57

Crikey. He would be explaining away a black eye now if he was my husband.

You may as well be one of those blow up dolls. I would want to inflict serious pain on him. How DARE he?

And how DARE he think that because you are his wife that he has the right to treat you like that?

You poor thing.

cauliflowersfluffy · 23/03/2011 11:15

I think you need to sit him down and talk to him he obviously didn't see it as a problem or what done to you as Rape and I'm sure if he knew thats what you thought it was he'd be horrified about it.
I dont think you should be calling the police or throwing him out just yet, if I were you I would approach the subject again calmly and say you do relise what you done to me dont you and that it could be classed as Rape because I didnt consent if his attitude remains the same and there's no reasoning with him then I'd seriously consider looking at your marrige hun and then I'd be thinking about ending it.
Good Luck with whatever you decide x

FabbyChic · 23/03/2011 12:32

He used you as a spunk recepticle, no tissue so he had to offload somewhere.

Sorry but without your consent it is rape.

giantpurplepeopleeater · 23/03/2011 12:40

Oh my Fing God - I am sitting here and am fuming for you - I just can't believe it. I feel sick just reading it. IreneHeron, Valhall and others are absolutely correct!!

You need to calm down a bbit to avoid some ridiculous screaming match that doesn't allow you to get your point across effectively..... BUT..... he needs to understand now that this was RAPE. That in no way is it acceptable to do this without your consent (and sleeping does not = consent).

I would also be putting in measures to avoid it happening again. Some may think this sounds very extreme, but sleeping in seperate rooms (maybe with a lock on your door if you feel so inclined) until he can prove he can be trusted not treat you this way again is definately something I would be considering. You will know your circumstances and how you feel though, so you must decide this for yourself.

Also - some councelling may be in order (again for you to think about) as there may be some issues of trust here now.

LaurieFairyCake · 23/03/2011 12:45

I think you should leave him unless he agrees to attend counselling with you - providing you want to continue the relationship enough to have therapy.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

TheCrackFox · 23/03/2011 12:58

He raped you.

I don't know if i could continue in a marriage with someone capable of that. The only way forward would be to have counselling.

QueenStromba · 23/03/2011 13:27

I agree with the others, it was rape. I would feel sickened if my DP did that to me. I might be able to brush it off if he was immediately apologetic but I wouldn't be able to deal with it if he took the attitude that your husband did.

plopplopquack · 23/03/2011 13:39

Ouch, it must have hurt as well!

cauliflowersfluffy · 23/03/2011 13:45

I think alot of you are being over the top about this (report him to the police, throw him out go for counseling, sleep in a seperate room with locks on the dorr ) oh my god just reread what you have all written a bit too extreme, I can understand OPs anger but remember this is her DH of 9 years and he has never attempted anything like this before hopefully it's a one time only and I agree he needs telling but he desrves a second chance and if this behaviour carries on then think about getting out of the relationship but he probably hasnt thought of it as Rape and now he's at work and maybe will have time to think and relise what he done was wrong lets hope so anyway x