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AIBU?

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Original poster

to be so angry with h about this

188 replies

TheJoyOfSeething · 23/03/2011 08:48

I am a namechanger.
Fruit shoots, Terry Wogan's cock and [wunk]ing.

At quarter to seven this morning, my h just fucking shoved his dick in me (I was asleep although I woke immediately) thrust four or five times, came and then jumped out of bed.

I was (still am) furious. I didn't want sex, there was no initiation from either side and he must have been working himself up to the point where he was able to do this while lying next to me and so treated me like some kind of fucking finishing tool and hurt me.

When I confronted him by asking what the hell he was thought he just did and what fucking right he had to do that to me, he actually fucking said 'well, you're my wife aren't you?'

I do not fucking understand what is fucking wrong with him. We have been together 9 years and this has never before happened, he cannot see that it was wrong and our sex life is quite 'normal' (ha!) in the main. He does paw at me quite a lot which annoys the hell out of me but I just do not understand this at all. The last time we had regular sex was yesterday ffs.

My chest feels tight and I feel shakey out of sheer anger.

The really fucking ironic thing he is now annoyed with me for keeping going on about it.

OP posts:
chuffinheck · 23/03/2011 19:42

Fuppygish, you are comparing apples with pears. I am well aware of what the facts are thank you, I am also aware of what the OP, by all evidence a balanced intelligent woman, thinks at the current time. Of course he is going to be defensive, and if the OP kept on at him saying she could put him away for 4-6 years then what hope in hell does their relationship have of surviving if that is what the OP wants ? He has put her in a vile position and the OP seems wise enough to know that, but she is waiting for her thoughts etc to clear so she has her options open to do what she wants.

Happylander · 23/03/2011 19:43

I am shocked that your husband has decided on going out and not talking this through with you. I am up for it..so to speak....pretty much all the time but my DH would never dream of doing this and mt DH would not have gone out knowing that I was so pissed off with him over something. I am sorry your husband has treated you this way, you deserve better.

PeterAndreForPM · 23/03/2011 19:45

Heaven forbid tha the OP being so upset should get in the way of her husband's social life ! Hmm

chuffinheck · 23/03/2011 19:46

I despair. It was pre-arranged, he was going out and the OP's mum was coming round.

I'm sure currently the OP would rather spend the evening with her mum anyway.

FuppyGish · 23/03/2011 19:49

Apples with pears Chuffinheck Confused How?

The only difference between the two situations is one would be my husband the other would be a stranger. I'm not understanding your point. You know rape by a husband is illegal now right??

And as for this:

"I despair. It was pre-arranged, he was going out and the OP's mum was coming round".

What are you on?? Shock If something happens and you've arranged a night out you cancel it, duh.

swallowedAfly · 23/03/2011 19:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

AyeRobot · 23/03/2011 19:51

chuffinheck, you know you posted a link to a video about women's rights abroad earlier? Well.....

OP, hope you are able to have a nice evening with your mum. You are doing great and sound really strong. I can tell you that I would have been a little more "oversensitive" if I were in your shoes and he came out with that.

TidyDancer · 23/03/2011 19:57

Oh how horrible. :(

I am Angry for you, OP. Raped by your husband....it defies belief. You are not being oversensitive and if that fuckwit you are married to truly believes that, he deserves to be kicked out and humiliated for what he has done. Well, he deserves that anyway, but that would be the final straw in my mind.

Is this beyond rescue? It probably would be for me, but that's a decision only you can make. It's not an overnight decision either, you have some long sessions of thinking to do.

I hope you have a mellow night with your mum, and just some time to be away from your H.

x

chuffinheck · 23/03/2011 20:00

Fuppygish, you don't cancel it if you don't want to, not even if you think she should ! As I said, perhaps the OP would rather spend the evening with her mum or perhaps she didn't want to tell her mum why she wanted to cancel it and she didn't want to lie to her mum.

As for your other point, read my earlier message re legal. Given the choice you describe I know what I would choose. The fact you think waking up in your bed to a stranger violating you is as vile as it being your husband, well words really do fail me.

Get a sense of perspective and empathy.

FuppyGish · 23/03/2011 20:03

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

inthespringtime · 23/03/2011 20:12

I'm disgusted that some women see sex without consent (within a marriage or not) as ok/selfish lover/over reacting/losing perspective.

Fucking Hell!

My DH has just read this thread and is as disgusted as I am. There are times when we might wake each other with hope of something but we both recognise that the other might not feel like it and then we stop. Its called RESPECT

Fucking hell!

How can anyone even try and justify why they have stuck their penis into a sleeping woman? Would they have the same response if it was their daughter?

OP I can't even begin to imagine how you are feeling right now.
I think the key here is your (D)H reaction to the events. The fact he is so unapologetic and doesn't see anything wrong is great cause for concern.

I wish you all the best
xx

PeterAndreForPM · 23/03/2011 20:12

chuff...your input to this thread is misguided at best

every time you post, you spew out another offensive statement

inthespringtime · 23/03/2011 20:13

And of course he should have cancelled his night out!
The fact he didn't shows the true measure of the man he is.

CelebratedMonkey · 23/03/2011 20:25

He might not care what strangers think, but what would his mates think (assuming they're not rapists as well)? I can't believe any man could hold his head up high and casually go off for a drink after raping his wife like that and knowing that she is upset by it.

I wonder if he hoped you wouldn't wake up. I would wonder if he had done it before. And once I was wondering that, I would feel very nervous about ever being in the same bed as him again.

You sound like you are being strong, OP. What he did is not something he should be able to shrug off. He has to admit he was wrong and that it could never happen again and even though he has apologised he doesn't sound particularly remorseful to me.

I would be horrified if I woke up to that. Surely even the rape apologists who think rape is okay in marriage must accept that sticking his penis into the OP like that is assault given the physical pain it must've caused?

Snuppeline · 23/03/2011 20:30

OP, I'm not going to repeat all the insightful comments wihch have been put here as you've already taken most of them aboard but needless to say I believe it is rape and as vile as anything I've ever heard. I just want to say, please make absolutely sure that you are safe tonight. If he has been out boozing (which I take "a night out" to mean) and he decides he doesn't want to comply with the new sleeping arrangement what's to stop him from coming into your room? Can your mom sleep over in your marital bed with you? Or be in the house?

By the way, a man who has right to a house but who knows they have been vile would leave that house for a while in respect of the person he has offended. He is continuosly showing you a lack of respect. And it is horrid to read. Talk things through with your mom.

inthespringtime · 23/03/2011 20:35

celebratedmonkey I agree - would he dare tell his friends what he had done??

the thought that there are people out there who think rape within marriage (and yes that is what this is!) is ok just chills me to the bone. How can they justify it? ITS ILLEGAL - SEX WITHOUT CONSENT IS ILLEGAL - how much clearer does it have to be?

OP I wish you strength

xx

UrsulaBuffay · 23/03/2011 20:37

I wonder what you mean OP by being stronger now than a year ago? Have you had problems with 'D'H in the past? Sorry of too nosy Blush

ZombiePlan · 23/03/2011 20:37

You say that he apologised but declared you oversensitive - I don't understand. What did he actually apologise for? I hope (although highly doubt) that he apologised for raping you. Or was it an "apology" that basically puts the blame on you, an "I'm sorry you think I'm a rapist" type of thing. In the circumstances, I fail to see how he could have made a meaningful and sincere apology coupled with an accusation of oversensitivity.

As for his refusal to read the thread - he may not care what strangers think, but he damn well should care what the Sexual Offences Act says. And the legislation says that he is a rapist. Does he accept this?

Just wanted to point out that it is actually possible to apply for an injunction to bar him from the house. Property ownership rights notwithstanding, you can try to exclude him from the house - although you would probably need police involvement at that stage, so going by what you said earlier you might not want to go that far. But please do consider it if your instincts tell you that you are not safe. You might want to think about putting a lock on your bedroom door, too.

UrsulaBuffay · 23/03/2011 20:38

*if

CelebratedMonkey · 23/03/2011 20:39

He probably apologised for waking the OP up :(

PeterAndreForPM · 23/03/2011 20:40

My vagina would certainly be "oversensitive" to being penetrated without my knowledge nor my permisssion Sad

happiestblonde · 23/03/2011 20:43

Sorry if this sounds weird/insensitive but I've always told DP that I'd quite like to be woken up this way - BUT even with that consent he thinks it's too bloody weird and would never, ever consider it. Like a previous poster I read him your OP and he was disgusted. What a total arsehole. I am so sorry for you OP.

TandB · 23/03/2011 20:43

I don't think anyone on this thread has overreacted at all. What the OP's husband did is clearly rape. Rape is non-consensual penetration. That is what he did.

Whether the OP is willing to explore the reasons behind it and try to move on from it is a completely different matter - the fact remains that he raped her and that can't be overstated.

One thing I would like to flag up is that a couple of earlier posters seem to think that there might be an option of reporting it to the police almost as a punishment for him or just to get it on record. I wouldn't advise going down that road on that sort of assumption. The police probably would take this seriously simply because there are so few cases of marital rape reported, particularly in a long-standing relationship with no previous major problems. If the OP wants to take matters down the legal route, and she certainly could, morally and legally, she really needs to be sure that she wants to go the whole way if necessary. I certainly wouldn't advise reporting on the basis that it can all be taken back if necessary. These things can be a bit of a runaway train and it could very easily go beyond the point of no return.

I am not sure what organisation would be best to contact to talk through the implications of the various options. I am sure others will have better advice. There is probably no right answer to this but I am sure there is a wrong one - and that is to let him brush this under the carpet and move on with his current attitude.

All the best, OP.

otchayaniye · 23/03/2011 20:44

Joy I wish you all the best and take my hat off to you for seeing this so calmly and thinking about your family when most people would be running around in a blind angry panic. Good luck with whatever you decide.

It is extremely hard to even say to yourself 'I've been raped' as it sets things in stone, can set a train of action in motion with the authorities if you report it, sets you apart from friends and family, can risk casting you as a perpetual victim.

I didn't tell my mother I was raped for months. When I did she didn't believe me, as she could only see it that you'd just shout it out straight away.

Whether by stranger or partner rape is more than the rubbing of dry parts and any other attendant coercion (sorry, that's how I've characterised it to myself). It spreads shame, guilt, victimhood and ultimately responsibility onto YOU as to how to tackle it.

And Chuffin. I have been raped by a stranger when I lived in Russia. Whatever scars that has left me with at least I never knew the man and will never see him again. I can't imagine how it must feel to have a relationship with someone who feels blase about doing something like this. Had children with. What a casual abuse of trust and love.

nijinsky · 23/03/2011 20:46

What your husband did to you meets the statutory definition of rape. You could not consent as you were asleep. Your husband is an idiot, and whatever course of action you decide to take, you should ensure that a third party makes it quite clear to him that his behaviour constituted rape and that he is now a rapist. If he fails to admit that his guilt then he cannot be sorry and you should leave him.

You met him when you were just past 20 and he was in his forties, right? He talks about "letting" you do things and you have recently got a job? Its pretty obvious that he wants to retain the control he had over a much younger, immature woman and is afraid of losing it. Utterly pathetic. He doesn't want to have a relationship with an equal, but someone under his control.