Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be so angry with h about this

188 replies

TheJoyOfSeething · 23/03/2011 08:48

I am a namechanger.
Fruit shoots, Terry Wogan's cock and [wunk]ing.

At quarter to seven this morning, my h just fucking shoved his dick in me (I was asleep although I woke immediately) thrust four or five times, came and then jumped out of bed.

I was (still am) furious. I didn't want sex, there was no initiation from either side and he must have been working himself up to the point where he was able to do this while lying next to me and so treated me like some kind of fucking finishing tool and hurt me.

When I confronted him by asking what the hell he was thought he just did and what fucking right he had to do that to me, he actually fucking said 'well, you're my wife aren't you?'

I do not fucking understand what is fucking wrong with him. We have been together 9 years and this has never before happened, he cannot see that it was wrong and our sex life is quite 'normal' (ha!) in the main. He does paw at me quite a lot which annoys the hell out of me but I just do not understand this at all. The last time we had regular sex was yesterday ffs.

My chest feels tight and I feel shakey out of sheer anger.

The really fucking ironic thing he is now annoyed with me for keeping going on about it.

OP posts:
anonacfr · 23/03/2011 16:43

No one's trying to tell she's wrong. She mentions herself that she's not ruled splitting up, that she's reluctant to let him back in the house and that she doesn't want to share a bed with him anymore.

Maybe you think she's over reacting too?

Itchywoolyjumper · 23/03/2011 16:43

OP, what a terrible situation this is.
Although most of the posters here have been supportive and have offered good advice I think it might be a good idea to talk to someone professional, even just to help you sort things out in your head and to help you plan your next move.
The Havens (www.thehavens.co.uk) are definitely worth a look if you live in London. I'm not sure what's available outwith London but someone has suggested calling Rape Crisis and I think that would be a very good place to start. These types of services are not judgemental and if you don't want to press charges they won't make you but they have dealt with people in your situation before and will be able to help you deal with this.
Whatever you decide to do I hope it all turns out well for you.

mayorquimby · 23/03/2011 16:43

"This thread is getting a bit over reactionary TBH"

In what way? Based on the OP's account of what happened a man raped his wife. How is it an over-reaction to point that out when the op is asking if what has happened is wrong? Of course it's wrong. He raped her and I'd advise her to be shot of him. Objectively I'd also recommend she go to the police but as she herself says she doesn't want to/couldn't face the prospect I wouldn't want to push the issue as she's obviously just been through a big incident in her life.

chuffinheck · 23/03/2011 16:44
Confused You must have skipped a message or posted on the wrong thread
Lawm01 · 23/03/2011 17:02

OP, I posted very early on in this thread to say "this is bordering on abuse". I've been thinking about your posts all day and have just read all of the responses.

I'm now ashamed of my first reaction - the majority of other posters are right - your husband raped you. I think you are coming round to seeing this too, and it has led you to think about other aspects of your marriage that aren't as you would like them.

No wife (or husband) should feel any sense of being 'owned' or controlled.

I really think you should talk about this with someone emotionally detatched, whether it be a counsellor, your GP, a helpline or other contacts that posters have recommended.

Take your time to think about your next steps. If possible, get some distance from your husband while you do so.

There seems to be a number of issues here that you need to get your thoughts around. Some space and time would help you consider how you want to deal with this.

PeterAndreForPM · 23/03/2011 17:13

Don't be ashamed, Lawm01, no-one likes to think that men still rape their wives in this day and age.

However it seems they do Angry

Hope you are ok, OP x

plopplopquack · 23/03/2011 18:02

StayingDavidTennantsGirl He's not just taking his own pleasure during a consensual lovemaking session and then rolling off before his wife can climax - he's forcing his penis into the vagina of a sleeping woman - how the hell can you describe that as just 'being a selfish lover'???

I was talking about from HIS perspective. That he might not have been consciously thinking "I'm going to rape my wife", that he might have been thinking selfishly about his own pleasure (which obviously makes him a wanker). That doesn't mean his perspective is correct of course. It doesn't mean I think he's not completely fucked up in his thinking! I think there is a difference between consciously and intentionally commiting a crime and causing your wife pain in the process, and being too stupid to realise that it was way out of order and would hurt her and infringe on her rights to consent which she wouldn't get a chance to do. What I'm trying to say is that maybe he is stupid rather then evil.

PeterAndreForPM · 23/03/2011 18:12

I wouldn't want to be with a man that "stupid" then, because that is the level of stupidity that a caveman would display

OP isn't married to a caveman

Or at least she thought she wasn't

perhaps some of you that think this isn't so bad are married to men that stupid (or that evil)

Also, ignorance is no defence. This is 2011. Every sentient man in the world knows that having sex without consent is rape.

Plpop...stop making excuses for such men. it makes me worry about your own relationship.

StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 23/03/2011 18:14

Sorry plopplop - I thought you were giving your opinion.

londonone · 23/03/2011 18:35

JUst one thought OP. It sounds like you were young when you got together 21 or so and your husband cannot deal with your increased confidence and independence at the age of 30 and has reacted in this hideous manner.

Not meaning to be patronising at all but I know I was very different at 21 from 30 and there is a certain type of man who prefers younger women as often they are easier to control. Perhaps he controlled you more than you realised when you were younger?

phooey · 23/03/2011 19:06

Joyof I just wanted to add my name to the massive crowd of MNers standing behind you in support. I hope your husband is tearfully, crashingly apologetic this evening. If he isn't, I believe that what many very perceptive posters have said are right: you got together young, he liked being the older one in control, now you have a bit if independence he's letting you know that he has the ultimate power of you - to hurt and humiliate you. If he's not sorry, please question whether you should stay. You've presumably had a happy relationship and you have your DCs, you can do this with your head held high. Have high expectations of your life and of your man, you deserve better than to be raped and then emotionally manipulated by bring told you're 'going on about it'. Angry You sound strong though, I bet you're stronger than you think.

Oh and husband, if you're reading: you're a rapist, and your wife is lovely. If you deserve her, grovel and never, ever try to own her because you don't. Loving husbands value and treasure their wives.

UrsulaBuffay · 23/03/2011 19:10

Only read OP so far.

YAsooooooooooooNBU

browneyesblue · 23/03/2011 19:11

OP - I'm so sorry this happened to you.

Apologies if someone has already said this: he may think he can justify it to himself, but I'm sure he knows that if he told the police what he had done, he would be arrested.

Maybe you would like to talk to someone anonymously. The only helpline I know about is the Rape and Sexual Abuse support Centre, which is available until 9.30pm: 0808 802 9999

Maybe others know of alternatives?

rollittherecollette · 23/03/2011 19:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PeterAndreForPM · 23/03/2011 19:17

Rape Crisis 0808 802 9999 until 9:30pm...365 days a year

Womens Aid 0808 2000 247... 24 hrs a day 365 days a year

chuffinheck · 23/03/2011 19:21

yeah, bang him up, after all its whats best for you and your children isn't it, after all daddy was a rapist after one moment of complete and utter callous stupidity where thought of rape obviously never entered his head. Far better to ruin everyones life because of his ignorance Confused

OP, you would by now have noticed that the more vociferous have ignored the parts of your posts that don't agree with their views.

Do what you want, and you alone.

caveat: if it ever ever happens again then rip the pricks balls off then call the police.

PeterAndreForPM · 23/03/2011 19:24

Once is ok then, chuffin ?

I hope I never get raped "once"

chuffinheck · 23/03/2011 19:26

Of course once is not OK Shock

podsquash · 23/03/2011 19:30

OP, you must be having a big old conversation about now. thinking of you.

Original poster
TheJoyOfSeething · 23/03/2011 19:31

He has been home, apologised whilst declaring me oversensitive and refused to view the thread stating (as some predicted) that what strangers think is of no concern.

I am not in a legal position to keep him out of the house as we are joint owners but I have calmly placed some bedding in the lounge for him and told him this is where he will sleep from now on. We were planning on selling anyway for other reasons so I will get that ball rolling tomorrow.

He has gone into town for a night out now which I knew about before.

The kids are all in bed and I have a drink to hand. I won't be back to this thread tonight as I have invited my Mum round.

If this had taken place a year ago even, I may have been less strong so maybe I have changed.

OP posts:
FuppyGish · 23/03/2011 19:31

OP - YANBU he has acted disgracefully and his comments since only serve to compound his cunty-ness.

Chuffinheck - the facts are that what the op's H has done is rape. Is it ok because it was a 'one off' or because he is her husband?? Hmm You seriously need to look at your thought processes here.

If a man breaks into my house tonight and does what op's h did is that still ok because it was 'one moment of complete and utter callous stupidity'?? I think not.

What op's h needs to think about is what is going on in his head that made him think this would be ok. He can't even view women as people (let alone equals) if he feels he can use his wife as an unwilling 'wank sock'.

FuppyGish · 23/03/2011 19:33

x posted with you op.

Bizarre that he should continue to go out on his night out knowing the distress he has caused you.

He may think that what strangers think is of no concern to him, perhaps a chat from the police might change his view somewhat Angry

Buda · 23/03/2011 19:34

You sound very calm. Have a nice night with your Mum.

Greenkit · 23/03/2011 19:35

(((OP)))

You husband behaved appallingly, it is rape a horrible word when you use it against someone you love and have lived with and trusted for 9yrs. I cant imagine how you must feel.

You are right to think calmly about this, ok you may not wish to report him, but you need to make it very clear to him, he was so very out of order, he hurt you and that is not what a loving husband does to his wife.

Should he ever show signs of acting in this way again, however small, show him the door.

PeterAndreForPM · 23/03/2011 19:41

Hope you are ok, OP x