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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be so angry with h about this

188 replies

TheJoyOfSeething · 23/03/2011 08:48

I am a namechanger.
Fruit shoots, Terry Wogan's cock and [wunk]ing.

At quarter to seven this morning, my h just fucking shoved his dick in me (I was asleep although I woke immediately) thrust four or five times, came and then jumped out of bed.

I was (still am) furious. I didn't want sex, there was no initiation from either side and he must have been working himself up to the point where he was able to do this while lying next to me and so treated me like some kind of fucking finishing tool and hurt me.

When I confronted him by asking what the hell he was thought he just did and what fucking right he had to do that to me, he actually fucking said 'well, you're my wife aren't you?'

I do not fucking understand what is fucking wrong with him. We have been together 9 years and this has never before happened, he cannot see that it was wrong and our sex life is quite 'normal' (ha!) in the main. He does paw at me quite a lot which annoys the hell out of me but I just do not understand this at all. The last time we had regular sex was yesterday ffs.

My chest feels tight and I feel shakey out of sheer anger.

The really fucking ironic thing he is now annoyed with me for keeping going on about it.

OP posts:
TheCrackFox · 23/03/2011 14:51

It sounds to me like he was trying to teach you a lesson and put you in your place. Sad

This is not the actions of a loving, respectful man but of a bully and rapist.

AyeRobot · 23/03/2011 14:51

I don't think you sound pathetic at all. I think you sound collected and pragmatic.

50 is not old, so don't use his age as an excuse for his antiquated beliefs. Any sensible, respectful person knows that another person is not their property to control and use whenever they feel like it. That he is reinforcing that belief in a physical way by raping you is disturbing and disgraceful. And illegal - make sure you point out that exctract from the Sexual Offences Act that was linked earlier on. If he doesn't get it, then the situation won't get any better and will get worse.

I hope you get what you need from him this evening. I fear you won't, though.

Hullygully · 23/03/2011 14:51

He is physically lighter than me, twenty years older at 50 and in public very quiet

I am now imagining that little weedy man from the Carry On films. Why not just slap him about, or hide his slippers? Or both. Or slap him with the slippers. Yuk. Arse.

dittany · 23/03/2011 14:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QueenStromba · 23/03/2011 14:52

I'm glad to hear that you're feeling a little less shaken now and that you are taking it as seriously as it should be. You're probably right not to go to the police because it's unlikely that anything would actually come of it unfortunately. I do think that you should try and find someone to talk about it with in real life though. Maybe you could gauge people's reaction to it by saying that you saw a thread on Mumsnet where a man had done this to his wife and only telling them it was you it happened to if it seems like they're going to be sympathetic?

kreecherlivesupstairs · 23/03/2011 15:00

My DH is 53 and certainly weighs about 10kg less than me. He wouldn't dream of doing anything like that to me. He knows I'd wear his bolleux for earrings if he even lifted a hand to me.
OP, think very carefully about what you want and good luck.

StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 23/03/2011 15:00

Plopplopquack - a man who inserts his penis into someone who is not conscious of what he is doing, and who has had no chance to accept or refuse this, is a DAMN sight more than just a selfish lover, ffs!

He's not just taking his own pleasure during a consensual lovemaking session and then rolling off before his wife can climax - he's forcing his penis into the vagina of a sleeping woman - how the hell can you describe that as just 'being a selfish lover'???

Mumofaflump · 23/03/2011 15:01

Just a thought? Did you tell him he had hurt you? If you specifically told him he had caused you pain and his reaction was "well, you are my wife" then you need to be seriously considering the safety of yourself and your children.

I do not wish to be alarmist, it was just a though that popped into my mind.

Good luck and hugs. I am really sorry you went through that.

Grumpla · 23/03/2011 15:02

OP, he ignored you (his wife) and tried to shrug off your reaction. What makes you think he will respond differently to the views of strangers on the internet?

YOUR statement to him should be enough, you shouldn't need to present him with any sort of backup.

If your reaction is that you don't want him near you, act accordingly.

GypsyMoth · 23/03/2011 15:03

the police arent just there to put people in prison you know........he needs a wake up call! maybe a visit from them will drive home how vile he's been. some humiliation might work better than this anonymous thread

electra · 23/03/2011 15:12

This is horrific - definitely rape when you had no say in the matter! What an awful situation for you to be in. In your shoes, I would feel the need to do something which makes him realise how appallingly he has treated you. The lack of respect needs to be addressed. If that means calling the police, so be it.

Do you want to stay with him?

EldritchCleavage · 23/03/2011 15:16

OP, I read this yesterday but didn't post. Coming back to the thread, my initial reaction stands: this was a very aggressive, antagonistic thing to do to you. It objectified you, punished and humiliated you in one fell swoop. Your last post about ownership only serves to confirm that impression.

Please don't be too quick to preserve the status quo re house, children etc. Above all, keep yourself and the children safe.

AnnieLobeseder · 23/03/2011 15:18

This would be an absolute deal-breaker for me. Especially the 'well you're my wife aren't you?' comment and so sign of remorse. It was rape. The marriage would be over for me. I couldn't live with a rapist and a man who had no respect for me and my body.

I'm so sorry this happened to you and I hope you can work through your feelings.

anonacfr · 23/03/2011 15:27

I, after spending most of the day mulling on it, wonder if this is a physical demonstration of ownership that I should have seen coming given his recent train of thought.
A physical demonstration of ownership? You're not his property! Sounds like he's totally eroded your self-confidence.

OP, he ignored you (his wife) and tried to shrug off your reaction. What makes you think he will respond differently to the views of strangers on the internet?
I agree with that. If he thinks you're annoying 'going on' about what he did, he's bound to dismiss the thread as a bunch of hysterical frigid feminist (take your pick) harpies overreacting on an online forum.

chuffinheck · 23/03/2011 15:40

This thread is getting a bit over reactionary TBH

Xales · 23/03/2011 15:44

I know that you don't want to report it to the police. Please consider popping to your Dr and letting him know what happened and getting a check.

It is on record if he decides that well you didn't do anything about it so he can do it again and again and again if he wants.

TheVisitor · 23/03/2011 15:53

If he reads this thread, the only ones he'll take any notice of will be the ones that are stating overreaction. I will say this to him for when he reads.

Seething's husband

What you did is force yourself upon your wife without her consent. Nor did you give her a change to tell you to stop. Look in the dictionary for the meaning of the word rape. That is exactly what you did. I am not a screaming harpy, nor am I frigid, I just know that what you did is a crime and you could be prosecuted for it.

Think on that.

wonkeydonkies · 23/03/2011 16:03

This thread is getting a bit over reactionary TBH

couldnt agree more

QueenStromba · 23/03/2011 16:14

How is the thread getting over reactionary? The man raped his wife and since this is the 21st century and not the 18th what he did is quite rightly a crime. Just because it wasn't a stranger who jumped her on her way through the park or because there was no violence involved doesn't mean it's not rape.

PeterAndreForPM · 23/03/2011 16:16

If I had a cock forced into me whilst asleep and/or with no foreplay and no warning, I would be dry as a bone

And it would hurt like hell

If my husband did this, he would no longer be my husband

anonacfr · 23/03/2011 16:18

Have you read what the OP wrote- how she feels about the whole situation? You still think the thread is over reactionary?

Buda · 23/03/2011 16:19

He probably doesn't see it as rape. But he needs to.

You need to explain to him very clearly the definition of rape. And point out that the fact that rape within marriage is illegal therefore means that "well you're my wife" doesn't let him off the hook.

And tbh getting away from the actual legalities, it is the sheer and utter disrespect he seems to have for you that would be the main issue for me.

I am not sure I could feel the same about someone who could use me like that.

StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 23/03/2011 16:22

So what is the proportionate reaction to having someone's penis put into you whilst you are asleep and without your consent, wonkydonkies? A gentle slap on the wrist? 'That wasn't very nice, dear - please don't do it again'?

Words fail me.

chuffinheck · 23/03/2011 16:31

I have read the OP and also taken into account the OP last message about this, and to me she seems to have the whole situation under her control having thought things through with great care and resolve with regard to herself, her children and the families involved.

Support for her and her decison (whatever that may finally be) is what is required, rather than trying to persuade her she is wrong and she should go to the police.

happycamel · 23/03/2011 16:35

It sounds like he feels threatened by your increasing independence, a job and a car. I think it is him expressing a sense of ownership and he's worried that you're increasing independence means you might not be dependent on him.

This is absolutely no excuse for what he did.

I think you need to both go to counselling with an organisation like Relate. The rape is a symptom of a wider problem. If he won't go with you then I think you need to read up on men with control problems and decide if that's a relationship you want to carry on with.

Good luck, I can imagine a bit of what you're going through, I saw my mum go through it when I was a child. In the end we left and we're both happily married now but it was very tough at the time and for a while afterwards. If the behaviour continues then please consider the safety of your children - my dad decided to control me as I got older and not always in ways that were appropriate, that's why we left in the end.