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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be so angry with h about this

188 replies

TheJoyOfSeething · 23/03/2011 08:48

I am a namechanger.
Fruit shoots, Terry Wogan's cock and [wunk]ing.

At quarter to seven this morning, my h just fucking shoved his dick in me (I was asleep although I woke immediately) thrust four or five times, came and then jumped out of bed.

I was (still am) furious. I didn't want sex, there was no initiation from either side and he must have been working himself up to the point where he was able to do this while lying next to me and so treated me like some kind of fucking finishing tool and hurt me.

When I confronted him by asking what the hell he was thought he just did and what fucking right he had to do that to me, he actually fucking said 'well, you're my wife aren't you?'

I do not fucking understand what is fucking wrong with him. We have been together 9 years and this has never before happened, he cannot see that it was wrong and our sex life is quite 'normal' (ha!) in the main. He does paw at me quite a lot which annoys the hell out of me but I just do not understand this at all. The last time we had regular sex was yesterday ffs.

My chest feels tight and I feel shakey out of sheer anger.

The really fucking ironic thing he is now annoyed with me for keeping going on about it.

OP posts:
plopplopquack · 23/03/2011 13:53

cauliflowersfluffy I see what you mean. If he thought it would be well recieved then he wouldn't have thought that he was forcing himself on his wife and so in his mind not rape. Although saying that it was only 4 thrusts so it can't have been doing it for OPs pleasure! But still a selfish lover isn't the same as a rapist.

I think the most important thing is how you feel OP and you said that you felt shaky. He needs to realise how much of an impact this had on you. If he can't admit he was out of order (after a chance to think about it) then I don't know what you do!

anonacfr · 23/03/2011 13:55

He deserves the chance to explain himself but the OP mentioned that he 'paws her', something that she says annoys her, that he doesn't see anything wrong with his behaviour and that he's annoyed with her for going on about it.

Those are not good signs. Fact is legally he did rape her, whether he (or she) likes to think about it in those terms. The OP is clearly very shaken, not to mention furious at his behaviour- she needs to address this and think about her relationship.

MadamDeathstare · 23/03/2011 13:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Vallhala · 23/03/2011 13:57

He's her husband, that makes it alright then, or at least not so bad, cauliflowers? Hmm

How on earth can any woman justify a man raping any other woman? Jesus!

Ask yourself this.. and you too JOY... what would your reaction be if you'd gone out for an evening with an old male friend, sat up half the night chatting and both fallen fast asleep on the sofas/armchairs in the sitting room, only to wake to find your male friend had "shoved his dick in me... thrust four or five times, came and then jumped [off the sofa]"?

Does that make it not rape too? Because it happened in your home, with someone you'd known for years, someone you trusted, someone who was normally welcome in your home and who had been pleasant company the previous evening? Oh hang on, that stuff about knowing someone for years, trusting them, their being welcome in your home and being pleasant company the night before, does that sound like someone else JOY knows?

Someone just like her husband?

Rape is non consensual sex. It isn't any less rape because it was carried out by someone other than a stranger or somewhere other than down a dark alley.

anonacfr · 23/03/2011 13:59

I'm sorry- selfish lover?
She was asleep and was woken up in pain by her husband thrusting into her and then jumping out of bed when he was done a few thrusts later. There is no sign whatsoever that he was concerned about being 'well received' or not. He wanted to finish himself off, not make love to his wife.

He might not have seen it as rape but he can't have seen it as sex either. Sex is something you share with someone, not something you do to someone for a few seconds hurting them in the process and then dismiss them as naggers if they object.

GypsyMoth · 23/03/2011 14:01

cauliflowers....i think YOU should re-read your own post!! this is 2011 not 1940!!

Niceguy2 · 23/03/2011 14:03

What an idiot.

What you should do is get a dildo, wait for him to be asleep then shove it up his arse.

That should prove your point!

dittany · 23/03/2011 14:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dittany · 23/03/2011 14:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Grumpla · 23/03/2011 14:08

"A bit too extreme" ?

I think raping your wife in her sleep is a bit "too extreme". I'm fairly sure if I started a thread called 'AIBU to wake sleeping DH by shoving a dildo up his arse?' I'd be told that would be a bit too extreme.

"In his mind it's not rape" ?

No, probably not. But we're not talking about something in his mind, we're talking about his penis being forcibly inserted into her vagina.

These kinds of attitudes are really common and really wrong. It's NEVER okay to rape someone - no matter who they are or what the situation is.

I find it really hard to believe that this incident is the only 'slip up' in 9 years of blissful marriage with a caring, sensitive man who respects the OP. I suspect that sense of entitlement to use and abuse someone else's body manifests itself in many other ways as well.

OP, the vast majority of posters on this thread are confirming what you KNOW. We don't need to tell you what to think or feel. Listen to yourself. the reason you are having such a strong physical reaction is that you were physically assaulted, in your sleep (doesn't get more vulnerable than that) by someone you presumably trusted. Don't waste time trying to make up excuses for his behaviour - start working out how you are going to ensure that it never ever happens again.

For me, this would mean having him kneecapped and making sure I was never in the same room as him again. You may draw the line somewhere else (e.g. counselling, police, trial separation etc) and that is totally up to you.

But don't let anyone make you feel guilty or responsible for what has happened here.

plopplopquack · 23/03/2011 14:09

I'm sorry- selfish lover?

You've read my post and chosen to take it how you like, not how I meant it.

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 23/03/2011 14:11

OP, that is hideous. It makes me feel sick to think of that being done to you, I actually felt sick when I read your post. What time does he get home from work? Have you decided what you're going to do when he gets back? Personally if it were me, I'd be gone (with any kids you may have) by the time he gets home - take myself off to stay at a cheap hotel or with my parents or something. I just wouldn't want to sit down and discuss it nicely over a cup of tea with my husband because I know full well I'd want to bash his fucking face in, then chop his raping dick off and whizz it through the blender.

bullet234 · 23/03/2011 14:13

What Valhalla said at 13:57.

Thistledew · 23/03/2011 14:13

Where you go from here depends upon your feelings and his actions. What he did to you was deeply disrespectful of you as a woman, an individual and as his wife. It is completely understandable that you have been left confused, hurt and shaky. He attacked you, and his current attitude gives you no reassurance that he won't do it again whenever the mood takes him.

He has deeply damaged the trust in your relationship. If you continue the relationship you will need time to rebuild your trust in him. He has to recognise that this will only happen at the pace that is right for you, and that you would not be unreasonable if you found that it was something you could never properly get over.

He had to fully acknowledge that what he did was wrong, and why it was wrong. He has to accept that he has to demonstrate to you that he is worthy of your trust. In your shoes I would insist on him doing some sort of sexual offenders awareness course. He also has to accept that you will deal with this in your own timescale and that it is not acceptable for him to be impatient with you or to insist you should get over it by a certain time.

In your position, unless he accepted this, I would tell him to move out. You need to feel safe in your own home.

chuffinheck · 23/03/2011 14:14

I'd make the stupid twat sleep on the sofa for a while while I decided what I wanted to do, if anything, about it.

I know its technically rape but going to the police is a bit strong.

Hullygully · 23/03/2011 14:18

save time. show him this thread.

HooverTheHamaBeads · 23/03/2011 14:19

if you woke up immediatley why didn't you say STOP IT RIGHT NOW?

or am I missing something?

FlaminGreatGallah · 23/03/2011 14:22

Aw Hully I saw your name as the last poster and was expecting a "kill him" at least.

OP. Haven't read the thread since this morning but unless anything has changed it was very very wrong of him.

QueenStromba · 23/03/2011 14:26

HooverTheHamaBeads: My understanding was that it was all over before she could even get the words together to tell him to stop. Understandable since she was woken up by it, it normally takes a good few minutes for me to be able to string a sentence together when I wake up. If the same thing happened to me it would probably take me a few seconds just to process what was going on and convince myself that I wasn't dreaming.

anonacfr · 23/03/2011 14:29

OP says in her post that he thrust into her 4 or 5 times and jumped out of bed. She was fast asleep and was suddenly woken in pain- she probably didn't even realise what he was doing until he was done.

anonacfr · 23/03/2011 14:35

plopplopquack how exactly did you mean it? In your words

If he thought it would be well recieved then he wouldn't have thought that he was forcing himself on his wife and so in his mind not rape. Although saying that it was only 4 thrusts so it can't have been doing it for OPs pleasure! But still a selfish lover isn't the same as a rapist

4 or 5 thrusts and jumping out of bed is not thinking or caring if he would be well-received or not- it's finishing off his wanking inside his wife.
It goes far beyond being a selfish lover- it's basically using his wife as a blow up doll and causing her pain in the process and then telling her off for having the nerve to complain about it.
The least he should have done would have been to start off by apologising for physically hurting her and using her like that.
Instead he effectively told her that's what she was there for 'well, you're my wife, aren't you' and then dimissed her feelings as an inconvenience to himself.

Original poster
TheJoyOfSeething · 23/03/2011 14:39

I have busied myself today and stayed away from the thread for a while on purpose.

I absolutely know you are mostly all right in your intial reaction and now I have calmed down somewhat I am in a better place to assess what action I want to take.

I will not be going to the police, the chances of my making an allegation against him and it being treated seriously are minimal and the overall upset it would cause to our children and families would be hard to get over.

I will be showing him this thread and gauging his reaction to it when he returns from work. What I will not be doing is getting angry or shouty as there is no point with him.

For definate I do not wish for him to be in the same bed as me, it is a matter of trust and respect. I am reluctant to have him back in the house tonight but feel like that may be an overreaction on my part and until I see what his face is like when I show him this thread then I will assume he has not thought about what his actions could be construed as.

Over the past few months he has passed comment on 'letting' me do things and being sulky (I started working outside the home last September and bought a car for myself) and so I, after spending most of the day mulling on it, wonder if this is a physical demonstration of ownership that I should have seen coming given his recent train of thought.

He is physically lighter than me, twenty years older at 50 and in public very quiet and so I do not feel that I can broach this with anyone I/we know as they would probably laugh it off as ridiculous, if that makes sense.

Gah, I sound so bloody pathetic when I write it all down and had I been on the other side of this, I would probably be saying leave now.

I most definately have not ruled out splitting up.

Can I thank you all for helpful links and advice and for sharing personal stories, it has really helped me.

OP posts:
chuffinheck · 23/03/2011 14:47

For what its worth I think thats a good call and I wish you well.

GypsyMoth · 23/03/2011 14:48

yes,he has entrenched this idea of 'ownwership' within you for certain!!

read that last post back op......you sound too scared to do anything for fear of his reaction. his house....too scared to throw him out. family finding out. kids lives being changed.

what will he say whe he reads this? he will probably laugh at it if this mornings comments are anything to go by

Ormirian · 23/03/2011 14:49

"The really fucking ironic thing he is now annoyed with me for keeping going on about it."

Aw bless! Angry

What a twat! I really think I'd have trouble sticking around after that and I am not usually of the 'Leave him OP' school.