Can a marriage work if the husband works away?

[andypandydulterdandy]

Dh has been headhunted for a very good job with an excellent salary and a very big company but it will mean working in London Monday to Friday and coming home at weekends.
We live in Northern Ireland and there is no possibility of him doing the job from here. I can?t move with him as I work part-time and love my job and have 2 ds?s one who will start p1 in September and one at 16 months who are both settled at home.
He has a job at the minute and is happy there but this is an amazing opportunity for him and it would mean that for once we wouldn?t struggle finically.
Our marriage is great, I really do trust him, but I worry that I will be jealous that he will be out having fun at work events and dinners ( as the job will involve winning and dinning new clients) and I will be stuck at home putting 2 kids to bed and feeling resentful that he is having all the fun. I hope I don?t feel like this and hope we are strong enough to make this work. He will be home every weekend and has lots of holidays etc, but I just worry the kids and me will miss him too much. He is a very hands on father and I hate to think of the kids missing him and I know I will be lonely. He respects my decision on this and said for me to think hard about it because if he takes the jobthere is no going back but he wants to make sure I am ok with it.

Two years ago we moved back to our home country in eastern europe, as a family. Weighing the school options there, against the fact that our 12 year old daughter was accepted to a good school in UK we decided that I would come back with our daughter and my husband would try to join us later.

He is a general manager in a company in his home town, living with his mother (dad passed away), who does everything in the house for him. His meal is ready whenever he wants, room cleaned, clothes washed and ironed. He gets a chance to meet his old friends from time to time, although he works long hours and is usually busy.

I keep asking him when he could come over and he doesn't give a proper answer. He says when time is right! We have terrible raws about this and he blaims me for being unreasonable. He wants me to stay in the UK so that our daughter receives a good education, which is also what I want but I want him to be here with us. I work on contract whenever a job is available. If I cannot cover our expenses then he sends money which is from both of our savings. He could find a job here as a gas engineer but he does not want it because he is actually a civil engineer. He prefers managerial positions. I ask him if he researches about opportunities in the UK or does any networking he says he does not want to seem like he is not happy with his job. I don't understand how he will find a job in England the way he carries on but he does not answer that question.

Am I unreasonable asking him to do something to show me that he is trying to come to the UK to join us. At the moment he cannot show me anything other than what he is doing for his job. He believes that by being very good in his job he somehow magically will be transferred to the UK. (or appears to be believing that to get me off his back!) Any thoughts?

I only saw DP at weekends for the first year of our relationship and, I'll be honest, I sometimes miss it!

Dh always worked away. I'd stay in ni and let him commute. Not uncommon as not much work in ni. I followed dh job and if I had to do it again I'd stay in one place and let him commute - we didn't have kids then.

As long as your happy to do all the day to day grunt work, not expect house work help - he will want to max his time at home wkends with the kids. It can work - love having tv all to myself when kids are in bed, I get my socialisation time at work so don't feel need to go out on a night luckil

I'd stay where you are and let DH go to London.

Any chance you can get a cleaner to help around the house?

We had several years when DH worked away most of the time. He was posted abroad for 2 years and the DCs and I only saw him during the summer and Christmas holidays. Then when he returned to the UK, for the next couple of years his workplace was a 2.5 hours drive away, so he only came home at weekends.

We are still together, but that prolonged separation changed the dynamics of our relationship permanently. I became more independent (had to!) and took over the running of the house, all the finances, choosing insurers, phone companies, utility suppliers etc all of which I still do, although DH has not worked away for 13 years.

The biggest change was that I discovered that I wasn't a poor sleeper after all. When DH was away I slept like a log - and realised that it was having him in the same bed that was preventing me sleeping. I got used to sleeping - and couldn't adjust to having him back, so we have slept separately ever since.

My DH works away four nights. I have a great support network and we are all settled/in a good routine. DH works in London and although I don't mind visiting, I'd hate to live there. I would probably get quite depressed if I HAD to move there. He also likes where we live and likes the contrast.

It definitely can work.

It wouldn't work for us because dp couldn't stand to be away from ds or me for that long. He'd especially miss ds. I also think I wouldn’t like him being a part time parent. He wouldn't do any of the hard bits but would do all the fun bits whilst I do all the graft! No thanks!

My marriage has lasted for a coupla years with working on the week and weekend stay-overs, so does a good friend of mine and they are Jersey/London. I think it depends on the couple and situation. Admittedly some days are fine and some not so. Where I live I hardly know anyone and do not have a good support system, but with one thing or another it's usually manageable. Although yesterday my huband told me yesterday he wants to stay in London to visit a friend who is returning to NZ. I did know this was a vague plan, but didn't know what date. I smiled and said how lovely for him, however for me I have no plans for the weekend, no friends around and a fridge/freezer full of food. I suppose I could fill the weekend with my son who is 10, washing, walking... I think the issue is the 2 day notice and why couldn't this be communicated with me before. Communication is an ongoing topic... any thoughts. Too sensitive? 'Make the most of it'? I do know I'm out of sorts cos my dad dies at Xmas but still I think I wouldn't feel grumpy if I had a planned packed weekend with someone other than relying on my son. Many thanks for any words

Yes it can work, of course it can. And you won't know if it works for you without trying. Give it a year, see how you're both feeling. I know people whose husbands work in London and are only home at weekends (we're in Scotland) and it works very well for them. We did it for about a year too and it is hard going, but sounds like you have a lot of family support to help you out.

I would MUCH rather live in Northern Ireland than London too!

Erm, recent posters - do you see that the OP is from 2011? I think she's probably made her decision by now!

If he's been headhunted he's in the position to make demands unless he's precipitately signed a contract already.. Could that not be long weekends when the job permits? working from home in NI? Clearly his job is customer or contract based already since OP says he's already working 8-8 weekdays in NI.

Long talk with DH about how it's going to work out and whether there's a break clause if it all gets too much. Slightly concerned the firm is not offering a family house for someone they're headhunting eg commutable after 8pm. Unless they're planning to work him even harder into the evenings. Then he's clearly ideal since he won't have family commitments while in London.