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Original poster

Can a marriage work if the husband works away?

188 replies

andypandydulterdandy · 22/03/2011 13:23

Dh has been headhunted for a very good job with an excellent salary and a very big company but it will mean working in London Monday to Friday and coming home at weekends.
We live in Northern Ireland and there is no possibility of him doing the job from here. I can?t move with him as I work part-time and love my job and have 2 ds?s one who will start p1 in September and one at 16 months who are both settled at home.
He has a job at the minute and is happy there but this is an amazing opportunity for him and it would mean that for once we wouldn?t struggle finically.
Our marriage is great, I really do trust him, but I worry that I will be jealous that he will be out having fun at work events and dinners ( as the job will involve winning and dinning new clients) and I will be stuck at home putting 2 kids to bed and feeling resentful that he is having all the fun. I hope I don?t feel like this and hope we are strong enough to make this work. He will be home every weekend and has lots of holidays etc, but I just worry the kids and me will miss him too much. He is a very hands on father and I hate to think of the kids missing him and I know I will be lonely. He respects my decision on this and said for me to think hard about it because if he takes the jobthere is no going back but he wants to make sure I am ok with it.

OP posts:
zikes · 22/03/2011 15:10

TBH, I don't think it'd bother the kids that much at their ages. But I fully understand it'd make a huge difference to you between having that support structure from friends and family to moving somewhere where you don't know anybody and he's not home til late every night anyway.

I think I'd stick where you are, and see how it goes. If it seems destructive to your relationship, then think about moving maybe.

I'd just be aware of the pitfalls: the afore-mentioned resentments plus the pressure to have a 'perfect' happy time when you're together and feeling it's all ruined if it doesn't go to plan.

CaveMum · 22/03/2011 15:16

Another yes vote here.

DH is also Forces and in the 9 and a bit years we have been together he has been overseas for a total of about 16 months and has lived away Monday-Friday for 4 of his last 5 postings.

We don't have children yet (TTC#1) but we know plenty of other Forces families that live in a similar way and as long as you have ground rules and a good routine it seems to work for them without too much fuss.

It is not easy, but these things are rarely forever (DH plans on leaving the Forces in the next 5-10 years) and nothing is impossible.

Snobear4000 · 22/03/2011 15:23

The good news... you'll never get tired of him, he'll never get sick of you. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, it sure does.

The bad news... For you doing all the domestic stuff at home you'll essentially be a single-mum. Please do yourself a favour and get some help in, at least a cleaner ffs. This will not only give you more time, but also mitigate your feelings of jealousy that he's having all the "good times".

It is of concern that you already anticipate resenting him for wining and dining. This is the road to ruin in this situation. Get friends over for dinner during the week, get a babysitter once a week and go out drinking or whatever it is you do so you don't feel like this. I know many husbands who work away and when the wife starts ringing them up angry because she heard were out at a bar, that's the start of the slippery slope towards divorce. Believe me.

Original poster
andypandydulterdandy · 22/03/2011 15:34

I think you are right snobear, I know it will annoy me, struggling with house work and kids etc and Dh is in a bar. I think if I get a nite during the week when I see friends then I wont feel this way.

OP posts:
anniemac · 22/03/2011 15:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 22/03/2011 15:38

I think one key question, is whether or not the additional extra money is going to materially improve your life.

Will you be able to afford a cleaner, to pay someone to do the DIY, more meals and days out together at the the weekends to make the most of being together as a family? Nicer/more holidays?
And longer term - does it give you more choices about where you live, how you live, etc etc.

If it does those things then that is a huge plus.

Personally I couldn't do it. DH and I have been in this position before and decided against it. We would miss each other too much and he thinks it's important that he is around while we have small DCs.
Fortunately for us he's been able to advance his career without having to work away.
There is the possibility of a job coming up in the US in a year or so with his current company, now that we would consider because we would go as a family.

scaryteacher · 22/03/2011 15:40

Did 4 years weekending on the trot, plus various sea jobs, and two years where he was in Brussels, I was in Cornwall and we only saw each other every 6 weeks.

We've been married 25 years this September.

It works.

stubbornhubby · 22/03/2011 15:41

a family should all live together

your children are very young, you are still mobile, move to London. It's more imptt to be close to your husband than your mum, it's more imptt to close your dad than your granddad.

exhausted2011 · 22/03/2011 15:43

i think it could work, no problem

exhausted2011 · 22/03/2011 15:46

the only problem, the way I see it, would be your issue with visualising him having the life of riley.
Will he still be working long hours? it's not that much fun taking clients out!
If he works 80hours a week, does he help much anyway, would you miss that support. Or do you just get on with it anyway?

grovel · 22/03/2011 15:51

I'd just say that wining and dining clients palls very quickly. Don't resent that element of your separation if it happens.

manfromCUK · 22/03/2011 15:52

I've worked away for the last 15 years - I don't think it ended my marriage, but it didn't help. We had no kids. Now I have youg DD and DP issued me with an ultimatum that I had to be at home. Luckily I scored a short term job at home (working at home) but it's going to end soon. Her argument was nothing to do with seeing more of me - but she complained (with perfect validity) that she couldn't go out to the gym etc. This is partly complicated by the fact that she refuses to leave DD in the care of anyone else (except me and then only grudgingly) ever.

So, OP don't underestimate the tie that results from being alone and the feelings of resentment you may get.

From my perspective I'd prefer to be at home and see DD grow up, but I'm a bit spoiled @ present - if I have to get a job with a commute it may be no better than being away was. It was a laugh listening to her moaning because I'd been to the pub or out for a meal when I was away - what was I supposed to do - sit in the hotel room with one of DDs dolls pretending to look after it?

Having said that DP is selfish and unpleasant and I am only staying because of DD

amicissima · 22/03/2011 15:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

zikes · 22/03/2011 16:04

Oh I disagree, stubbornhubby, I think to move somewhere where she'll be starting over completely, with no friends or family nearby, and her dh working late could be worse for them as a family than weekends only as a family.

At least where she is, she is happy, settled and working, not wholly dependent on her dh for income and company. Sure, she could make a new social circle and find some sort of work in London but both take time and energy, and in the meantime he'd be having to focus on his new job and work long hours.

noodle69 · 22/03/2011 16:12

My husband had to go away for 10 days recently and I thought it was horrible. You miss them too much. My daughter cried for him every night and was bewildered to why he was gone. I would never choose to do it on a regular basis.

Original poster
andypandydulterdandy · 22/03/2011 16:14

Thanks Zikes, I am shocked at how many people think I should just up and leave my job and home and family etc to move to somewhere i dont want to be so we can "be together as a family" when we wont even see each other as he will be working so much. I know my kids are young and can adapt but they are lucky to have family close by who love them and care for them and so many of you think it would be better for the kids to leave all that behind to live in a different country so they can live in the same house as their father, even though he wont be able to see them during the week as he will be working so much. I really am shocked that so many think this is the best thing for the family

OP posts:
scurryfunge · 22/03/2011 16:17

Would your husband consider staying with his family so that you are not disrupted?

I suppose it depends what your priorities are -his career/money/being together?

anniemac · 22/03/2011 16:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

manfromCUK · 22/03/2011 16:20

Definitely don't move to London. That will just be a quick way to misery and will almost certainly cancel any financial advantages.

Original poster
andypandydulterdandy · 22/03/2011 16:32

scurryfunge as i said, my DH is happy to do what ever I think is best for us as a family. He would happily stay here, but we stuggle each month to pay the bills etc and this could be a way to be secure for life. It would also do be excellent for his career as he would be in the heart of the business doing something he loves and is very good at. I dont want to he the reason he turns this down, its once in a life time and if the roles were reversed I know he would NEVER stop me from going and would just get on with it at home. The company who want him will never ask again if he turns them down and I really feel he deserves a chance at this, he has worked very hard for us all and been an amazing father and husband and really deserves to pursue his career.

OP posts:
Checkmate · 22/03/2011 16:38

Your kids are very young though. The 16 month old, particularly, would find it very hard. You may well find that s/he withdraws from your DH at weekends, to "punish" him for being away so much. My 21 month old does this to DH in weeks he's been away, but by the second week when he's around more, is usually fine again.

The issue to me isn't whether your marriage survives it - you're both adults, and if its truly both the decision you freely make, you can put things in place to make sure your marriage stays strong. But his relationship with the children is not so easy. Children can't be put "on hold" 5 days a week.

If it were the only job he could do, and you absolutely could not leave Ireland, then fair enough, people make it work when they have to, their DC just have to suck it up.

minipie · 22/03/2011 16:45

Sounds to me like the main advantage of him moving is the extra money (since you say he's happy in his current job).

So the question is really, would you rather have the extra money, or have your DH around during the week?

Myself, I would always choose having DH around unless we were really really struggling financially. I don't know how much you are struggling?

I don't think that you moving is a sensible option. Apart from all the other reasons you've mentioned, living costs in and near London are waay more expensive and will quickly eat up any extra money your DH earns.

scurryfunge · 22/03/2011 16:46

andypandy....it is the same for my DH....but I think our priorities have changed now.
You will soon tire of the swimming pools and Caribbean breaks and just long for a day together in the week Grin.
Seriously though...it can be a strain but so long as you have decided as a family that this is what id best for you all, then do it, without regrets.

Original poster
andypandydulterdandy · 22/03/2011 16:48

Scurryfunge, we will be a long way from Carribbean breaks lol.

OP posts:
Chil1234 · 22/03/2011 16:49

Probably not what you want to hear but two people I know well who worked away from their families for long periods were 'secret life' types. One enjoyed an on-off affair in his second location for years. The other spent his time away as the gay man he always knew he was... Shock Man #1 is still married and doting wife is none the wiser as far as I know. Man #2 decided to come out and that ended surprisingly well.

Grin