Can a marriage work if the husband works away?

[andypandydulterdandy]

Dh has been headhunted for a very good job with an excellent salary and a very big company but it will mean working in London Monday to Friday and coming home at weekends.
We live in Northern Ireland and there is no possibility of him doing the job from here. I can?t move with him as I work part-time and love my job and have 2 ds?s one who will start p1 in September and one at 16 months who are both settled at home.
He has a job at the minute and is happy there but this is an amazing opportunity for him and it would mean that for once we wouldn?t struggle finically.
Our marriage is great, I really do trust him, but I worry that I will be jealous that he will be out having fun at work events and dinners ( as the job will involve winning and dinning new clients) and I will be stuck at home putting 2 kids to bed and feeling resentful that he is having all the fun. I hope I don?t feel like this and hope we are strong enough to make this work. He will be home every weekend and has lots of holidays etc, but I just worry the kids and me will miss him too much. He is a very hands on father and I hate to think of the kids missing him and I know I will be lonely. He respects my decision on this and said for me to think hard about it because if he takes the jobthere is no going back but he wants to make sure I am ok with it.

It all depends on how strong you are.

My dh has done this for years and I am strong enough to cope with being a single parent M-F. We don't have any 'special days' at the weekend but when he gets home I do expect him to act as a dh and dad as normal. The dc are used to it, and as long as they speak to him on the phone at least 3 times a week they are happy; we are in our 16th year of marriage and have been together for 23 years in this arrangement and we are very happy.

However a friend of mine really struggled with her dh working long hours and therefore it felt like to her like he was working away and their marriage ended as she felt like she had no support.

oh yes - forgot to mention that you have full control of the TV in the evenings without any moans, tuts, "why are you watching this rubbish"........

It will work well sometimes and other times it will be a nightmare or at least that's what I've found.

My husband is a contractor so moves every few months making it unrealistic for us to move with him. He's been doing this almost ten years and the early years were definitely the hardest and loneliest. I'm a sahm so we had a very unbalanced relationship in many ways which didn't help. DC starting school made life much easier for me and helped our relationship though I didn't realise how "unconnected" he was with DC till he was without work for a few months. Although it was a nightmare financially, being with the DC everyday was FANTASTIC for all of them and really formed bonds I didn't realise they were missing. His contract now allows a 4 day week which makes a massive difference (be very realistic at how much travelling /packing etc will take out of your weekend).

We're the happiest we've ever been at the moment though with teenage years looming I know the will be more challenges ahead.

He did get a very good offer of permanent work a few years ago and I made excuses along the lines of your reasons - if I had my time again I would make the move to be with my DH.

"It was a laugh listening to her moaning because I'd been to the pub or out for a meal when I was away - what was I supposed to do - sit in the hotel room with one of DDs dolls pretending to look after it?"

hilarious!

Imagine a 9-5 chap moaning that whilst he's at work his missus is enjoying coffee mornings with friends and that they should stop it forthwith because he's grafting in the office.

Works both ways. If someone is clever enough to land a job that is sometimes fun, everyone should celebrate that.

I don't understand why you don't want to move with him. There are good schools in London for your oldest and you'd remain together as a family and could surely find another part time job in London.

OH was unemployed for 2 years, we had DS1 and then he got a job 3000 miles away when DS1 was 5months old.

That was 4 years ago. We see OH for 5 weeks a year - hopefully a few days every couple of months.

Since then we have had DS2 and LO3 is due in the summer (god knows how this happened! :) )

It's hard, but it works. We are not rolling in money - the boys and I live in a 2bed rented house. I get to stay home to look after them.

There is no chance in us going to live out there as he travels around some pretty remote places as part of his job and we'd hardly ever see him.

At least here DS1 and 2 get some continuity wtih school and nursery and I have established a group of friends.

It can be done.

I personally would move with him, but that is just me. You could always try a few months of him commuting and see how it goes.

I live just under 3 hours north of London by train and have about a dozen friends with hubbies that do 3-5 day weeks in London. It works for them, to a certain extent - but every single one of them would rather their DH was home each night.

My Stepfather has worked abroad - usually 4 weeks on 2 off, or thereabouts - for the last 20 years. It's not easy but they make it work. He does regret not spending more time with my younger siblings and there is a LOT of pressure on what little time he does spend at home to be absolutely perfect.

I envy you having such a brilliant job, we all dream of a job that we can look forward to. There is, however, a point where something will have to give and it will be down to you to decide if it is your fabulous job or your family life.

My DH worked away for a few years when our kids were younger. It nearly killed our marriage but we just about made it through. The kids and I eventually moved to be with him, when they were older and it was much harder to move schools. Bad decision, I wished we'd all moved together to begin with, but I was scared of leaving friends and leaving my comfort zone. To be honest it was miserable being apart, I resented him for never being around. He resented me because I resented him. It was crap.
I think it's a difficult decision you have, but it sounds like your mind is made up.

Hang on a second.

Xenia you are suggesting the OP gives up her job to follow her DH? Even though she's said she enjoys it and wouldn't find it easy to get another job?

I'm with Xenia

In a relationship at various points you have to decide whose career takes precedence. It looks like at the moment andypandy that you have decided to prioritise your husbands career but only so far. If you are going to prioritise it then you need to go the whole way IMO.

I think you should seriously look into moving. Rent your house, rent somewhere in commuterville (there are nice green places around London, honest). The possibility of establishing a team in NI is so far fetched and I suspect that being apart with no end point could well end trash your marriage.

The children are so small that they won't notice a move.

Family / Friends..... well I'm afraid that I'm a hard hearted bitch who moved as a child because of my Father's employment and have moved as a (single) adult because of my own employment (now that is scary - new country, new job, no mates...) and you will make new friends. Lots of people get by with no local family.

Your job. You work p/t. Is it a job job or a career job. If the latter I have slightly more sympathy but you do need to look at your families needs in the long term rather than a short term. "I like my job and don't want to give it up".

AndyPandy I get where you are coming from. If you moved now you would be so resentful. I have no idea if it is realistic that your DH will get a job back in NI in a year or two. But why worry about that now? Give it a go. Your children are so young I totally understand why you don't want to move from your very well set up life.

I don't know why people can't see that the DH won't see the kids if he takes this job no matter which country you the OP live in. It's about the job not the location.

If you and your DH decide that you are prepared for him to do this job which means none of you seeing him M-F whether you are in London or NI really, then you have to put up with the downside in order to get the career boost and extra finance surely?

I would do it. But then I appreciate time away from my DH! And as you have a mother and will have extra money you could easily afford a babysitter at least once a week and have your own fun. Especially if you make sure you go out early ish and avoid the whole bed time routine which can be very tiring eh? I much prefer going out at 6pm to going out at 8pm. Much more fun.

Other people on here have probably given good ideas about how to manage actually doing it. Personally I wouldn't be envious of my DH being with clients in the evening. I like food too but I like it with friends or on my own with MN or the television. Any possible enjoyment would surely wear thin very soon for him. I would feel sorry for him actually. You will have child free evenings to have some peace.

You've got friends and what sounds like a great life. I'd keep it and see in time if this career boost is as good as it sounds. I wish you well. And don't forget the ground rules and to keep talking and adjusting things as you see how it pans out.

will his additional income cover the costs of you maintaining two homes? even if one is a bachelor pad? there is an awful lot to factor in!

i've always been a follower - and kept the family together and studied/ worked wherever we've ended up. the kids have been in a lot of schools, and i've had a lot of jobs as a result, but it's worked fine. dh has done 'away' as well - we are (for the next few months) a military family. after all.

dd1 (eldest of 3) is in her fifth school in yr 6, still popular and well-adjusted with a lot friends. the kids will be fine either way tbh. it's one move you are looking at, not becoming a traveller.

but you are obviously happy where you are, so why not postpone your decision for six months, let him go off and test the waters, and decide later. nothing is fixed in stone.

It sounds as if you have made your decision not to move to London, OP. I would advise you to keep an open mind about it though, and review the decision every few months.

My DH was seconded to a job in SE Asia. I had NO wish at all to go too and hid behind the perfectly valid excuse of two of our DCs being halfway through A levels and GCSEs. Also I had a job I valued.

I didn't think the separation would be too difficult - we'd had times apart before - but in fact it was. It seemed as if we were living diverging lives; each so remote from the minutiae of each other's day.

Anyway, after a year (once the A levels and GCSEs were done) I did follow him out here (hence my name) and I know that it's better that we, and the two youngest DCs, are all together, but it is a compromise for me and I don't find it all that easy being uprooted from my comfort zone.

You will be able to see each other most weekends, so that's good, but he will be tired from working and travelling, and you will be tired from working and child-raising.

As madwoman has just said, nothing is fixed in stone. Let him go off and test the waters.

Another story for you. My OH is working in an industry affected by the government cuts and because of what it is they rely on government work - despite the govt saying they expect the private sector to pick up the slack, it's just not possible. Most people have been laid off but he's fortunate that his age (he's my sugar daddy, but without the money) has gone in his favour because he has worked every system from paper and pen through to the most modern computer programmes so they try their best to keep him so they don't lose out on the versatility of his experience. That has meant though for the last three years he's hardly been at home.

He left when we had one child and I remember the rows because I'd made him promise when I was pregnant that he wouldn't work away again - back in the days when it was a couple of weeks to cover something. His project offered us a weekend in a hotel, they said to book the best and put our meals on his credit card. Two weeks later I found out I was pregnant! I can't remember how long he was away that time but he was sent away again when our baby was about 2 months old. Since then he's been away for about 3/4 of her life. She was 2 in January and I'm pregnant again, due July but expected May (I'm a short termer) and I'm begging him to get them to bring him back.

Whilst it's been hard in one sense, he has another family so we see him alternate weekends and that's not a lot when you have a newborn baby and to do that for most of her life, also being a high risk pregnancy and having to deal with that alone. In another it's not too bad. We have a routine and we deal with it, I'm grateful he's in a job and not unemployed or in Australia (where they're looking for workers at the moment).

So I guess my point is yes it can work, but it's not easy.

When one partner works away, you have all the disadvantages of being married and all the disadvantages of being single. did you get married in order to live with him or live without him?

Personally, I think you have to look at it from your DH side as well.

We have had to move round the country several times for my DH job and I don't particularly enjoy it. I left my original career behind long ago, and although I do enjoy my current work, it is by no means what I was educated and trained for. nor is it as lucrative.

I would have loved to set up a base in the first town we settled in together and DH to have commuted to the 3 towns he subsequently had work in. He however is no fan of travelling long distances every weekend and would have hated it. So I and the DC have moved with him, even once we had school age children, although we have now said this was the last move as we are now at GCSE/A level stage.

Because of all the moves, I feel I have very few close friends. I don't belong to a good social circle and am not near family.

But you do get to know different parts of this lovely country and meet new people and have new experiences, so like most thingsin life, swings and roundabouts....

you are a family.
you should stick together and live in the same house
that's what families do

In my mind London offers more opportunities than Northern Ireland, and you always regret in life the things you DON'T do, more than the things you DO.. so I'd say give it shot.

But london v NI - that's up to the two of you, either way STICK TOGETHER

We did it for 8 months.

Only worked because we knew it was temporary. I wrapped up my work and eventually followed.
I think you are being unreasonable to cling to your little comfort zone as you are not the breadwinner.
If the financial incentive is the motive for his move in the first place then you should just accept and follow.

We have a very strong marriage, but we did grow apart anyway (all good now). the kids missed him and played up a lot.
His commute was 3h on a plane every friday night/sunday night. draining. I could not blame him for sleeping all weekend and wanting to go out and have a bit of a life during the week since I was doing the same.

think hard.

Honestly, I don't know a single couple this has worked for and I know a few who have tried it.

DH works long hours and travels regularly but he lives here.

I am not saying it never works, just that the couples I know who have tried it have ended up splitting without exception.

As I suggested earlier, could he use this offer as leverage for better terms etc at his current job?