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Original poster

Can a marriage work if the husband works away?

188 replies

andypandydulterdandy · 22/03/2011 13:23

Dh has been headhunted for a very good job with an excellent salary and a very big company but it will mean working in London Monday to Friday and coming home at weekends.
We live in Northern Ireland and there is no possibility of him doing the job from here. I can?t move with him as I work part-time and love my job and have 2 ds?s one who will start p1 in September and one at 16 months who are both settled at home.
He has a job at the minute and is happy there but this is an amazing opportunity for him and it would mean that for once we wouldn?t struggle finically.
Our marriage is great, I really do trust him, but I worry that I will be jealous that he will be out having fun at work events and dinners ( as the job will involve winning and dinning new clients) and I will be stuck at home putting 2 kids to bed and feeling resentful that he is having all the fun. I hope I don?t feel like this and hope we are strong enough to make this work. He will be home every weekend and has lots of holidays etc, but I just worry the kids and me will miss him too much. He is a very hands on father and I hate to think of the kids missing him and I know I will be lonely. He respects my decision on this and said for me to think hard about it because if he takes the jobthere is no going back but he wants to make sure I am ok with it.

OP posts:
Checkmate · 22/03/2011 14:23

I agree it can work, if necessary.

However, I wouldn't choose to live away from my children mon-fri though, and neither would DH. He has to work away (his work is based in two different locations) mon-weds every other week, and the DC really miss him. He finds it incredibly lonely.

Prioritise your children's relationship with their father ahead of that with their grandmother, and move with him.

Or say not to the extra money, and all stay where you are.

runnyhabbit · 22/03/2011 14:25

Well, it can work - my parents have been married for 39 years, and my ddad works away mon - fri.

Up until I started school, we used to move to Dads work (contractor working on various UK sites) As soon as I reached school age, they decided that dad would work away, and me, mum and my dsis would stay at home.

Speaking as their dc, it didn't not make one bit of difference to me. I often felt that I saw more of my dad, than my friends, as theirs would work 6 days a week, iyswim.

Bizarrely, dh works a lot of hours - to the point of if he's home during the week, it's a bonusGrin

History repeating itself.

DandyLioness · 22/03/2011 14:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

penguin73 · 22/03/2011 14:28

Lots of people do this very successfully, for others it is a disaster. There is no definitive answer, I think it comes down to the people involved at the end of the day. You both have to be totally open and honest with each other about how you really feel and take it from there. we have doen it successfully for 8 years but many friends gave up after 2 and moved so it really does depend.

runnyhabbit · 22/03/2011 14:29

minipie - thats an interesting theory. My parents, and now myself and dh, actually see it the other way round.

Weekends are time for us to get together. Dh thinks that his time off should absolutley be spent with the ds's.

For it to work properly though, I think ground rules work well.

Original poster
andypandydulterdandy · 22/03/2011 14:30

Checkmate of course I prioritise my childrens relationships with their Father, and that is not the reason I dont want to move.
I have no desire whatsoever to live in London. I have a great job that I love and the kids are very settled here and have lots of friends etc, as do I. If I move I will leave all that behind to sleep in the same bed as my Dh at nights as he wont be there to help with the kids anyway, or see them in the mornings or evenings as he will be working. What would be the point in that?

OP posts:
BetsyBoop · 22/03/2011 14:32

Good advice already. :)

My DH has mostly (I say mostly as for the past year he's been at home!) worked away M-F for 10 years now as an IT contractor.

It can work, but you have to be prepared to effectively be a single parent M-F. I expect it will be a bit easier if you have family support around to fall back on if you need help (I don't unfortunately)

The thing we found made the biggest difference is the "deal" you do on when you start on a Monday & when you can finish on a Friday. Some firms are happy for a late start/early finish meaning he would get home tea time on a Friday & leave early o'clock on Monday. However some insist on "office hours" When you don't get home until 10pm or later on a Friday & then have to leave after lunch on a Sunday it doesn't seem like much of a weekend....

If you decide to go for it, it's definitely worth getting this agreed up front & maybe him to have a day a week working from home if he can? If they want him badly enough they might agree to it & if you don't ask you don't get...!

Strictly · 22/03/2011 14:35

DH works away Mon-Fri and I find it very difficult. I find myself ridiculously resentful and angry with him and times as I am totally exhausted with a 3 year old and a 5 month old baby. I find the weekends are just filled with me telling him how tired I am and making him do jobs round the house and him planning and organising for the week ahead :(

I wouldn't recommend it in a million years.

vintageteacups · 22/03/2011 14:35

we have been doing weekend commuting for the last 2 years as my DH is in the armed forces.

It's been awful, but in the first year, he was allowed to leave lunch time on a Friday and start late MOnday morning, which meant he had sunday night at home. Now though, he has lectures early monday morning so travels back sunday night.

It's hardest on the children and hard for me in that I have no adult to chat to at night when the kids have been monsters etc.

We should have stayed together as a family but thought that having stability at the kid's school was more important - it wasn't. Having Daddy at home (they are now 6 and 9) is far important and it has really mucked up the dfamily balance.

He hates coming home and having to 'start again' every weekend and hates having to discipline the kids when he hasn't seen them all week.

If possible, I'd move with him. NI is a long commute and I know a forces wife on MN who's DH was based in Portsmouth and monthly commuted to NI. She hated it, as did he.

zikes · 22/03/2011 14:36

I think it could work, but I know that my bil really hated living like this and being away from his family. His wife kept getting peeved with him, thinking he was having fun doing the hotels & meals while she had the hard slog at home.

She used to give him a hard time when he came home at weekends. She'd ease up by Saturday night and then spend Sunday getting tense and pissy that he was packing to go again.

They divorced eventually.

This is his side of the story, of course.

vintageteacups · 22/03/2011 14:37

Didtto the resentment strictly talk of - he resents me as I'm able to have the kids all week and I resent him for behaving as though he's on holiday every weekend!

DandyLioness · 22/03/2011 14:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

vintageteacups · 22/03/2011 14:38

It's true though Zikes - I get annoyed that DH wants a lie in both Sat and sun morning because he's been studying so hard all week.

He gets pissy all day Sunday as he knows he only has one day left and when he gets back Late Friday afternoon, he's pissy due to long 3 hr drive and is shattered from working week.

runnyhabbit · 22/03/2011 14:39

I think betsyboop has hit the nail on the head:

"It can work, but you have to be prepared to effectively be a single parent M-F"

I totally agree. Don't get me wrong, I don't always like this (my dh doesn't work away, just very long hours) but to a degree, it can be easier when it's just you organising the home, dc etc

DandyLioness · 22/03/2011 14:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

vintageteacups · 22/03/2011 14:41

why not have a London adventure whilst the kids are little. Rent out your NI house and move back there in years to come when it's more important for the kids to settle?

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 22/03/2011 14:44

I'm sure it can work, but I personally would hate it. I would really, really miss DH. It's the sort of thing I could do for a few months but couldn't commit to long term. I suppose you could see how it goes, and if it doesn't work out after say 3 months reassess? Sorry, not much help because I'd probably move.

stream · 22/03/2011 14:45

andypandy - dh and I have been doing this for 20 years.

Works for us.

zikes · 22/03/2011 14:46

I know the resentment part's true, I just wanted to point out it's only BIL's side of the story, cos ex-SIL probably has a slightly different take on it.

I think it's worrying that the OP already thinks the wining and dining of clients will be pure fun and something to be jealous of, when it sounds like hell on earth to me, smarming up to people Grin. But indeed, it might be part of the job her dh likes.

Strictly · 22/03/2011 14:47

vintage we're forces too so know your pain :( It is a very hard life.

anniemac · 22/03/2011 14:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

vintageteacups · 22/03/2011 14:52

Forces families move away all the time and many see it as an adventure. Yes, there's the upheaval but you do get used to it. We're about to move into our 8th married quarter in 12 years and whilst the kids have been little it's been fun.

I think if you can go with him, your family will benefit more than you staying put and your DH commuting but obviously, it's choice only you can make.

lazylula · 22/03/2011 14:56

My dad was a long distance lorry driver and went off to work early hours of Monday morning and mainly wasn't back until lunchtime Saturday. This was for the majority of my childhood (until I was 11 or 12). It worked for them, they will be celebrating their Ruby wedding anniversary next year!
My dh often doesn't see the children during the week as he leaves well before they get up and comes home after they are in bed. The children get used to it tbh, they know how it goes!

Original poster
andypandydulterdandy · 22/03/2011 14:59

Zikes, I know my DH will like that part of his job, it wont bother him to be smarming up to people, he will just like the free food.
We have a lovely house here with a nice big garden, we could never afford that in London. I know I am saying really focusing on how this will affect me and I know the kids will miss their daddy, but I am not willing to move somewhere I really dont want to, leave my job, my family, my friends, my house behind so my DH can see my kids when they are sleeping. As I have said he will work till way past there bed times and be gone in the moring before they wake, so I really dont think its in the kids best intrest to take them away from all they know when they wont see there daddy anyway until the weekend.

OP posts:
WentworthMillerMad · 22/03/2011 15:03

Yes it can work, if fact I think it adds to a marriage. Not sure how many hours I see DH in the working week anyway. I know people who do this, they seem very very happy together, good luck

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