Can a marriage work if the husband works away?

[andypandydulterdandy]

Dh has been headhunted for a very good job with an excellent salary and a very big company but it will mean working in London Monday to Friday and coming home at weekends.
We live in Northern Ireland and there is no possibility of him doing the job from here. I can?t move with him as I work part-time and love my job and have 2 ds?s one who will start p1 in September and one at 16 months who are both settled at home.
He has a job at the minute and is happy there but this is an amazing opportunity for him and it would mean that for once we wouldn?t struggle finically.
Our marriage is great, I really do trust him, but I worry that I will be jealous that he will be out having fun at work events and dinners ( as the job will involve winning and dinning new clients) and I will be stuck at home putting 2 kids to bed and feeling resentful that he is having all the fun. I hope I don?t feel like this and hope we are strong enough to make this work. He will be home every weekend and has lots of holidays etc, but I just worry the kids and me will miss him too much. He is a very hands on father and I hate to think of the kids missing him and I know I will be lonely. He respects my decision on this and said for me to think hard about it because if he takes the jobthere is no going back but he wants to make sure I am ok with it.

Oh dear. It has its pros and cons. Trust me, been there for 2 yrs.The time apart will make you miss each other very much. You will appreciate the short time that you have with DH when he comes home and this will help you use ur time wisely. You can try by making his time at home so wonderful that he'll only want to stay home. This may include u doing all the nasty house jobs. The down side is that he is practically away from the kids and misses out on their growing up. This is really bad for the kids. Its like not having a dad for most of their childhood. Another problem is that you grow, independent of each other and will survive out there without the other. Not great I tell you. I understand that certain situations cannot be helped. Do it if its the only option but make sure you are working to end it. I.e it should be for a relatively short time. Families should dwell together and grow together. Its so tempting to have your cake and eat it because i tell you it is sometimes so blissful without dh. But what gain is it if u gain the world and lose ur family. We all need companionship. That void must be filled somehow. Either with your family or something else. Make sure its with you. Hope that helps.

Dh and I currently living in different countries.
His job has meant we have tried it all over the years. Working away for weeks, commuting, family moving with him and now we see him for 5 weeks a year.
We followed him initially this time. I gave up a part time job I loved, moved kids from schools where they were happy and tried to make it work. I came home with the kids when it didn't. Long working hours meant he hardly saw the dcs. He even had a different weekend to them, kids not settling in school and the resentment I felt, missing my mum who is on her own and the knowledge that we would be moving again sooner rather than later informed our decision. So far it is working ok. Hard not to feel that it would have been better I'd we had not gone at all (eg. I have no job now, dd1 had difficulties settling back into old school where she had been very happy, 6th school move in 9 yrs maybe one too far!). The troubles in the Middle East have made it harder as we are so worried for dh, but at least we are not there now.

Whatever decision you make it needs to be one you make together, and I do believe you can make any arrangement work if it is the right one for you whatever other people's experiences. Good luck.

i wouldnt like it

ive done it for a short time while husband was on a residential course for 20 weeks and had one newborn and one toddler and it was incredibly lonely.

I once laid down with the toddler while he nodded off and I nodded off too and I woke up a few hours later and realised then how lonely I was that no-one else would be there to turn all the lights off, lock up and come up to bed too. It was just exactly as I had left it and would stay that way cos no one else was there :(

Rambling now, but I know what i mean lol

I know people from NI who have lived apart because of one of them getting a job in London, and the marriages do NOT survive, despite the best intentions. A week end at home is never the full 48 hour week end. The travelling home back and forwards takes time and energy and eats into everything. (It would be easier if your DH was doing 2 weeks solid in London and then had one full week at home.)
You have a cosy set up where you are, but if you are serious about hanging on to your DH, you might have to rethink your plans within a year. London is a fantastic city. It takes getting used to though. What does your DH really hope you will do?

DH really does not want the kids, or I to move away from all we have and all we know. Ds1 has just got into a very good school here and has lots of friends, Ds2 has a creche that he loves and will be going to the same school as ds1. Dh does not want that to chage.
He can afford a small flat in London and still have a large pay increase, even taking into account the flying home everyweeked, however if we move with him, we all couldnt live in a one bedroom flat, with no back garden and where would we put our dog? We have a lovely big garden at home, with swings and a trampoline, we could never afford a house like that in London, plus we can not sell our house, as its in negative equity, so would have to rent at a loss of £350 per month, so we would never see the benifits and would be worse off. Im sure London is a fantastic city, but I do not want my children to be reared in a city full stop, its just not for me.

Dh thinks if we move with him and I give up work, which would mean we loose my wage, so would be no better off money wise (as I have said i cant not do the work in do in London) and he as to work from 8am to 8pm every day, then it would be a lot of pressure on him as he would feel he needs to get home to me and the kids as we have been at home all day in a place we dont know anyone etc.
I know my DH wants to go for this opportunity, he said he will leave it up to me, but I know its what he really wants and I am happy to make sacrifices in order for him to do this.
Dh will come home everyweekend and it will be a full weekend as he will fly back on a Monday morning and come home on a Friday afternoon. He will still get 30 days holidays which will be spent at home also so we will still get plenty of family time. I am already used to him working 8-8 so he is never there in the evenings to put the kids to bed and he is always gone when they wake up so they dont see him to weekends anyway

You seem to have thought everything through and it all makes sense to me. I think it really does depend on how you are as a family, a couple and individually. If you are both quite independent and outgoing and happy about the move, then I think it can certainly work fine :)

You really are being cynical dandylioness that is not the way of it at all.
Not everyone has a marriage like that. As I have said, DH and I are VERY happy and I am in no way a mug. He will stay here and get on with our VERY happy life if I want him to. However I am thinking about the future and what is best for us in the long term and this would make us secure and in a posistion where we dont have to worry when the intrest rates go up.
I would be more of a "mug" as you put it, if I gave up my life, and my job so dh can follow his dreams. As much as I support my DH I no I will be miserable in London so why would I put myself through that.

I think is so funny that there are people who try to pick holes in relationships that are not there. I am and never have been a "mug"

like i said - you don't have to decide now.

pop back in a year and let us know what you decided and how it went. none of us (not even you) have got a crystal ball.

fwiw, my youngest has cerebral palsy, so every time we move to follow dh, i have to completely uproot her from successful care and therapy packages and start again with new waiting lists etc - as well as replacing brilliant schools/ nurseries for three kids. it's no biggie, really. i don't feel like a mug, and resent the implication that i should, because i have chosen to keep my family (largely) under one roof.

and it does make me laugh that you have decided that you will be miserable in london. fwiw, with both dh and i, every time we have looked at a place and decided it wouldn't suit us and would be awful/ make us miserable etc, it has always turned out to be one of the best places we have lived. i am totally not a city girl (was brought up rural) and wouldn't ever have considered city life. yet we have lived in london and even glasgow and survived to tell the tale.

no-one is picking holes in your relationship - but they are questioning whether the 'la la la hands over your ears' thing is a good response to 'can a marriage work if the husband works away?' which was your original question.

why ask at all, if your response was going to be 'well, clearly i know mine will.'?

but hey ho. good topic for an aibu.

My OH has worked away mon-Thurs for the last 4 years.
The Dc do get use to it and weekends are for family time.
My DC are at very good schools and we have made the choice not to uproot them from their school/friends. Mainly DS2 as he's in Year 9 & has alot of outside school activities.
OH and i have been together 23 years and very happy.
If we moved down south as a family we wouldn't have the same lifestyle and the house prices are mad.
It's all about compromise and what's best for your family.

I would give it a year or so and see how you feel about things. Are the finances as good as you think (the commuting and the flat will eat up a lot) and how is it affecting you as a family.

I am a forces wife. DH has spent a lot of time away over the years, and I have found it harder than I used to before the DCs. Previously I had my single life and it was ok, albeit lonely at times. Now I have my (full time) job plus all the childcare responsibilities and running the house etc. I suppose the difference with you OP is that you have a lot of family support and that is absolutely vital.

Good luck and ignore the cynics!

Good Lord, you don't have to live in the city to work in London, OP, you can live in the suburbs, or commute in from Surry, Berks, Essex lots of places.

But if you are both convinced the best place for you DCs is Northern Ireland and why not? then you and your DH should be looking for jobs in, um, Northern Ireland. That's what living in a place means.

Yes I was asking can a marriage work if the husband works away. I was NOT asking should the wife and kids move with him.
I am not saying anyone is a mug that moves with their husband, but I am saying that I would feel more of a mug to give up all that we have here to move with him.

London may be a great place for some but it is not for me. I love where I live and I have no desire to move to a city, even the best city in the world.

I do not have "la la hands" over my ears, but find it hard to listen to people telling me to move with him when it wasn?t even the question I was asking. It is not an option, would not work money wise for us as we would be FAR worse off than we are now.
I appreciate all the advice I have been given here, on whether it was worked for some people and not for others, I have no way of knowing if it will work for us at all, and it?s nice to hear both sides.

oh, i see. you didn't want rl experiences or advice. you just wanted a list of 'yes' or 'no' with no context. that makes perfect sense. ok.

so, 'yes' and 'no'. depends on the context, really. hth.

I don't think people realise how hard it is for the man in these situations. Not that single parenting is easy because it's not, especially when you're not one. He has none of the benefits of a single man and none of them of a married man. He misses his kids but has to be careful not to spoil their routine when he gets home for the sake of extra time with them or so he can treat them, otoh he can't live a single life because he's not. His money still has to support his family so he can't just go out at night, he obviously can't go on the pull. My OH lives on convenience food but takes breakfast as his main meal to save money (he lives in a B&B so that meal is free and he doesn't have his own facilities to prepare food) plays WoW when his connection allows him, goes to the cinema once or twice a month and has lots of early nights. If I'm ill he has to take a day off work to do school run rather than getting into work late and taking a late lunch, if one of the girls are ill he has to come home to help out - by that I mean that we've had one in hospital so it was impossible for one person to care for both or do school runs, I didn't bring him back for a cold, in fact my eldest had an ear infection last week and my youngest had croup this week which I've had to just get on with. His holiday entitlement this year has been severely depleted before we've thought about a holiday or that we're having a baby this year.

Don't fool yourself that he's having fun if you've never been there. You can get through it if you work together.

Can a marriage work if the husband works away? Yes I think it can for the short-term or if there is a end-date to work towards.

We are forces family and know lots of couples who are living apart and weekly commuting. Almost all without exception have found it difficult, found their marriages to have suffered, and have stopped it and moved back together as a family unit.

If you are looking at it as a long-term proposition I'd be very careful and really think it through. The ages your children are they will be very adaptable and would fit in easily to a new school and neighbourhood. They will be happy and settled wherever they are as long as you and your DH are happy together. They will miss out on a lot by not seeing their father every day and you may well resent being the one doing the majority of parenting, discipline etc. How would you cope if your DCs were ill and all the care was down to you with no support from your DH until the weekend?

IMO keeping the family unit together is the most important thing. Plus I love my DH and want to be with him too.

I love my DH to, we are very happy and have been happily married for 5 years and together 12 years. We are very close, but I have to be realistic, he leaves the house at 6.30 am and is not back to 8pm-9pm every week night, so I have full care of the kids and i am lucky to have support of family close by. If I move he would still work the long hours, even more, and I would have no one close by and I would give up my job that I love.

There is the possibility that he does not take the job and stays here and we struggle on and find some other way to cope when the intrest rates to back up but there is no possible way of us moving with him, its as simple as that.

Of course it can work. DH & myself have been married nearly 19 years and were together for 5 years b4 that and throughtout our relationship he has either been away or working very long hours. In fact at one time earlier in our relationship when his job location changed to one nearer home (which meant he was going to be home again every night) I was worried that I would find having him around more difficult as I was not used to this!

The children thing is a little different as my 2 dd's have never known any different and are used to him working very long hours or being away. Although I was a little panicked when he left for a 2 week trip just after dd2 was born It just means that it is always me helping with homework / clubs / taxi services to events etc and not him (even at weekends).

I would prefer my children to be settled in a good neighbourhood, in good schools and with there friends than having to uproot them if we don't need to. And this still applies as DH job location is always threatening to move!

As I have said, the pay rise that they are offering would cover a a small flat and the flights back home and still be much more than he is getting now.
This type of job does not exist in Northern Ireland, the plan is that it will over the next few years, however DH has to work in London to get the experiece to lead the team that will be set up in Northern Ireland.
He does not have to take this job, he was not looking for a job, he has been headsunted by this company, they have came to him. He is quiet happy in the job he has now, however this opportunity deserves us to look into it as it would make a big change to our life style.

"This type of job does not exist in Northern Ireland, the plan is that it will over the next few years, however DH has to work in London to get the experiece to lead the team that will be set up in Northern Ireland."

so it's only for a year or two?? perfect GO WITH HIM! what have you got to lose? It will be an adventure, it will bering you all closer, and you'll all be safely back home after a while anyway.

are you serious stubbornhubby? What about my job, do you not think they would have a problem holding it open for 2 years? Maybe I could ask the school to hold Ds's place for 2 years also.

I have lots to loose, so I am not even going to go there

thanks so much to anyone who offered genuine advice from both sides, it has really helped, we are going to have to think very hard about this, but most of this thread has helped me see things more clearly.

Someone said he can't go out on the pull and yet 30 or 40% of people who live apart from their spouse whether male or female do that. Adultery is always much more about opportunity than malicious intent.

Try to have an end point on it and may be do it on the basis that he gets 3 years doing it and then when the time comes if you want a job abroad you can do that for 3 years whilst he works part time and keeps the home fires burning. Make it fair. Make sure you don't end up in an even more sexist relationship either such that he only plays with chidlren at home and you do everything domestic. If there will be more money perhaps sugegst to him that 2 nights a week when he's away you can buy a babysitter and go out to 2 social things even if it's just a church event and knitting club or even just an hour at a gym or runnning in the park. Perhaps also make a scheme that he will talk on skype every night between 8 and 9 to you and the children.

Make sure you have total disclosure, access to and knowledge of all accounts, pensions, on line bank account pass words and ability to know 100% what is going on. See his wage records and the spending and credit card bills.

It's not that simple though. My eldest was 18 months when we started this game but we still have a life here, family, friends. This is the 21st Century where women have lives outside the home, train for their own career and have their own prospects. My OH probably wouldn't take us even if the option was there because, as much as he hates being away from us, he's an RAF child and wouldn't inflict that on his own family. He still, 30 odd years since his family stopped moving and found a home in their home town doesn't feel like he has a home town, the one place he identifies with is where his great-aunt and uncle live which we tease him about because it's not even his own country but it's the only place that has been consistent in his life as he spent his summers there.