Can a marriage work if the husband works away?

[andypandydulterdandy]

Dh has been headhunted for a very good job with an excellent salary and a very big company but it will mean working in London Monday to Friday and coming home at weekends.
We live in Northern Ireland and there is no possibility of him doing the job from here. I can?t move with him as I work part-time and love my job and have 2 ds?s one who will start p1 in September and one at 16 months who are both settled at home.
He has a job at the minute and is happy there but this is an amazing opportunity for him and it would mean that for once we wouldn?t struggle finically.
Our marriage is great, I really do trust him, but I worry that I will be jealous that he will be out having fun at work events and dinners ( as the job will involve winning and dinning new clients) and I will be stuck at home putting 2 kids to bed and feeling resentful that he is having all the fun. I hope I don?t feel like this and hope we are strong enough to make this work. He will be home every weekend and has lots of holidays etc, but I just worry the kids and me will miss him too much. He is a very hands on father and I hate to think of the kids missing him and I know I will be lonely. He respects my decision on this and said for me to think hard about it because if he takes the jobthere is no going back but he wants to make sure I am ok with it.

Thereby dismissing all of us that didn't give advice in line with what you wanted to hear, as unreal. Sorry to waste your time (and my own) pointing out the wider picture that you should be aware of, ie your very young children. DH working away 3 nights every other week has a much greater affect on his relationship with them than it does on his relationship with me; that's the truth from someone living it.

You can't pick and choose the response you'll get on AIBU.

checkmate - you talk a lot of sense. In the past I have spent time working away from home, and it's the truth.
I was lucky that i was always working on a particular project with an end in sight, never an indefinite commitment as OP is considering, and even so it was miserable for both of us and does impact relationship with children.

And going out with your clients isn't really fun, even if the restaurant is a posh one, it's actually work, and your local co-workers don't want to go out.. they go home to their families...

Snobear4000 Our situation here is ideal - we have a small playpark across the road from the house, and a big country park about 5 mins walk away - for us to go to any of the parks near us in London would have meant travelling to them and also I'd not want the kids to be playing in them in the evenings because they aren't very safe. There are loads and loads of drawbacks to living in London - I know, I did it for long enough!

Xenia Some jobs do involve working very late, and if you miss the last tube (which is, after all, only midnight) there's either a cab or the night bus as an option to get home. My husband is one of those people who make the metropolis a fun place to go out - therefore he needs to live very centrally otherwise he'd never actually make it home!! We tried living on the outskirts but he spent about 2-3 nights a week either crashing on friends sofas or spending £60 on a cab home. In terms of the time I work (even if you included the time I also look after the kids) I work nothing like the hours he works - and it's a hell of a lot more fun being able to spend time with my kids than what he does.

I can't believe the numbers of people saying that this doesn't work when they've never actually done it themselves.

DandyLioness We used to live in Spittalfields before we moved and also in various places in North London and out in Zone 3 on the northern line. We always rented since buying was completely outside our grasp. The point is that we bought our 5 bed house with everything literally on our doorstep here, whilst some friends of ours paid the same amount for a tiny little 1 bed flat in Dalston - the lifestyle just does not compare. What we can give our kids outside of London is just so much better than what we could have given them in London, it just makes sense not to live there.

If we'd bought a similar property in terms of size in London we'd be talking about £800,000 minimum. If we looked for the same sort of situation in London with the same size of property it would be a fruitless search - it simply does not exist. We're 10 mins from the centre of town by car/train, 5 mins walk from a country park, 10 mins from the airport. We have cafes, little shops and a park just round the corner. We have big rooms, high ceilings, lots of period features and can park right outside the house.

Everyone who comes to visit from London is blown away by the house and our situation - in fact we've had one couple come to stay and they instantly started house hunting since they loved it so much. We also have 2 other families which we know who do the same commute and are perfectly happy doing so.

All I'm saying is don't knock it till you've tried it - there's quite a lot of negativity on this thread surrounding why people would do this - suggesting that it's for greed (moving for a well paid job) or selfishness (because you don't want to uproot yourself from the familiar) or because one partner wants to cheat or get out of looking after the kids. In my case, none of those reasons are true - we do it so our kids can have the best life possible.

My other half is in the film industry and he's often away for weeks, sometimes months, at a time.

I miss him but it's his job and he loves it - the upshot is when he's not working he's here all the time.

I think our relationship is stronger for the absences

AndyPandy - I have worked away for short periods and also worked on a long-term (5 year) project where many people were weekly commuters. IMO it doesnt work long term. Many of my colleagues gave up after a couple of years citing marital problems.

One of the problems was that the commuting partner would be out on the tiles during the week and would then be looking for a quiet couple of days over the weekend. The home partner would be looking for a bit of excitement after a week of domestic grind. Result misery.

No mentioned only having your other half physically there in bed only at weekends as a negative surprisly so far.

London suburbs are not too bad. Gnome is right that for some they wait all week for the husband (or wife) to get home and then want excitement and going out and he/she just wants to relax or they want the other half to do their share of teh housework when they get in

If you can stop them being out on the tiles in the week with my suggestion of an hour long skype call every night to do homework with the children remotely and really play a proper parental part (much after work stuff is not necessary or they work late as they messed around all day)

my other 1/2 was a sportsman who was away an awful lot - yet we have been married for over 20 years - just get on with it!!!

I have done this for a year stretch and then another 2 months.

If you have a good support network where you are (my best friend was a single parent living literally over the road and we helped each other out a lot) it is really not that hard on you. You can talk on the phone, and have lots of sex at the weekend, and really it's not that bad.

But we started this when DD was 6mths old and it was difficult for DH and her. DD didn't really get to know her dad until he finished the year stint. Which meant when he came back at the weekend he had to put up with DD not wanting him. As she got older she would ask for him repeatedly every tuesday and not understand why he wasn't coming home.

Sometimes you can't help the way of your partner's job (or yours) and sometimes there are things you can do about it - I know this is not what you want to hear but long term moving closer - it doesn't have to be london, but there are lots of nice commutable places, it will make you life so much easier.

I have worked away from home for periods (weeks - few months, not years).

perhaps i am unusual but I can tell you i wasn't out on the tiles every night... IME it takes about a week to get tired of that. two weeks if you are in Manhattan...

after the initial period of novelty i reckon most travellers end ip sitting in your hotel room / flat with a pot noodle and a DVD.

Stubbornhubby - I think you have hit the nail on the head. Some of my colleagues described the project I was on as being a bit like a long term rugby tour. This because there was a large group all in the same boat.

Alternatively if the traveller is on their own they end up spending long hours in hotel rooms.

OP - do you have the opportunity for you all to try it out? Say give it 6 months then see how you all feel?

yes - I have done the group thing as well. If you are a travelling team - like auditors, or consultants, is better as you do at least have people to get dinner with in the evening. That is fun for about a month.. and then are you fed up with that as well. it's actually not that much fun spending evening after evening with work-mates.

Also after a month of restaurant dinners you are about 10lb heavier.

Are the company paying for the flights home? I wouldn't count on Ryanair cheapies always being that cheap if fuel prices carry on this way. When I lived in Belfast 20 years ago, £158 was the cheapest return flight you could get. Wouldn't be surprised if it doesn't go back to that.

I am thinking you'd need a quite a substantial salary to make it work. At least 3 figures guaranteed (i.e not commission based/bonus). London is such an expensive place. And he'll be out a lot as there's no one to stay home with.

I love my OH working away. Me and the kids eat when we want to, go out without having to come home early for OH, and basically suit ourselves. And the best bit is not having to share my bed and listening to someone snore all night.

I love to see OH come home for the weekend but I also love to see him go back to work - not least so I can get some sleep. A bit of nookie only on weekends suits me but it is not right for everyone.

I didn't read the entire thread, but am a bit at everybody that suggested giving up the whole life the OP has, taking kids out of routine.

It can work. It's bloody difficult, but it can work. I think it will be OK in a way if he's away 4-5 nights a week. IMO it's much harder when they're working from home until (checks watch) erm.. now.. and can't ever switch off.

I think it will be extremely hard, and you are the only person who knows if it will work or not, but if you have other support where you are, and your husband is happy, then it mihgt be a very good thing

I wholeheartedly agree with Xenia on one point..... The whole of Saturday should be your own.

I think it probably can work as long as there are routines put in place from the outset: help with the domestic grind, set times for phone calls or skyped bed time stories, time off for OP during the week and when dad is home, regular one on one time for the grown ups at the weekend.
It's tough though. Have known one family that tried to do this in the way you describe - husband is now 14kg heavier because he's eating crap ready meals, permanently knackered with the commute and they're not that much better off financially because the travel and the cost of accommodation eat up a lot of money. He's desperately trying to find another job.
Another friend of dh's works month on / month off. Pros and cons - a month is a long time to be away and he misses huge chunks of the kids lives. He's always the fun parent because he's not there to nag over homework and the state of bedrooms every day and when he's home, it's day trips out etc. etc. His wife finds that hard. She also gets really lonely. OTOH, she hasn't had to move to some really remote locations and has the support of friends and family where she lives. Her DH does take the piss though when he's home - lots of nights out with his mates, days away playing golf while she's stuck doing all the housework etc. I know you don't want to hear it, but he did also have an affair. Not because of anything his wife was or wasn't doing or because he was unhappy with his marriage, but because the opportunity arose and he didn't think he'd get caught out.
If you really don't want to move, perhaps you should ask your husband to think very carefully about how this will impact on your family.

My DH does work away. He flys off to continental Europe on a Sunday evening or Monday morning and comes back on a Friday. We have been doing this for about a year. I miss him hugely but generally it works quite well - it's tough when there are two/three evening commitments though and I admit I have a lot of paid help. What worries me about your post OP is that even though your children are pre-schoolers, you will not entertain going with him. Our children are 12 and 16 and plugged into critical points at school so therefore we cannot be together. If the children would board or if they were small enough to move there is no way we wouldn't all be together. Does our DH want you to go with him - if he wants you to then I'm afraid you are not really supporting him and I dont' think this will work.

My DH works away, exactly the same as onceamai. I agree - its about routines, but I don't have paid employment so I see it as my responsibility to do the cleaning/ cooking/ laundry/ homework help etc and I try to get everything done during the week so we can have a nice time when the weekend comes around.

I am aware though that I have emails and phone calls with him during the week and the DC don't, so I try to stand back and let them have their quality time together at the weekend.

Our marriage is actually stronger for it because we both have a good reason not to be tempted into an argument. Neither of us wants to feel bad and not be able to make up during the week and the weekends are so short that if he is annoying me I can just bite my tongue and wait for 5am Monday morning to arrive.

"the weekends are so short that if he is annoying me I can just bite my tongue and wait for 5am Monday morning to arrive."

you see, to me that just seems so

It totally depends on the couple, for many it works out fine, suits them even.

For me it would never work. We were apart for a week over Dec - the longest we have ever been apart - and it sucked. Big time. Phone bills were huge too.

No, we aren't newly weds either, been together 11 years!

Write a pros and cons list for each member of the family.. what they gain/lose by daddy being absent M-F. See what affects whom, then decide.

no its just a much better way than getting into a stupid fight where a small irritation gets over-emphasised

Hello
I realise this is an old thread but wondered if you had an update on what you decided andypandy? I'm in a very similar position at the moment and TOTALLY confused about what to do!!

Realise I'm going to get totally flamed for this but here it goes......

I used to work in an industry which involved lots of people (all men apart from the odd token female) going abroad to work on site for months at a time. Most were married or in LTR's. It was common knowledge that about 75% of them were having it off with local women while they were over there, either as ONS's or as "girlfriends".

They were places where the women were generally v attractive and would see these guys as rich so pretty much throw themselves at them. The men would go out there with good intentions, but the factors of this, and with the fact that all the other men were at it well....... As they used to say "if you sit in the barbers chair long enough, you're going to get a hair cut!".

The big boss even had to pull all the men into his office once and give all the employees a warning to watch their chat / conduct, as his wife was coming to visit for a week!