Can a marriage work if the husband works away?

[andypandydulterdandy]

Dh has been headhunted for a very good job with an excellent salary and a very big company but it will mean working in London Monday to Friday and coming home at weekends.
We live in Northern Ireland and there is no possibility of him doing the job from here. I can?t move with him as I work part-time and love my job and have 2 ds?s one who will start p1 in September and one at 16 months who are both settled at home.
He has a job at the minute and is happy there but this is an amazing opportunity for him and it would mean that for once we wouldn?t struggle finically.
Our marriage is great, I really do trust him, but I worry that I will be jealous that he will be out having fun at work events and dinners ( as the job will involve winning and dinning new clients) and I will be stuck at home putting 2 kids to bed and feeling resentful that he is having all the fun. I hope I don?t feel like this and hope we are strong enough to make this work. He will be home every weekend and has lots of holidays etc, but I just worry the kids and me will miss him too much. He is a very hands on father and I hate to think of the kids missing him and I know I will be lonely. He respects my decision on this and said for me to think hard about it because if he takes the jobthere is no going back but he wants to make sure I am ok with it.

I don't know why you are asking the question op if you aren't willing to listen to the responses. The basic 'does marriage work' is so linked to who is giving up what and what compromises are to be made its difficult not to answer one without giving opinion on the other.

In my experience very few marriages do work and when another bites the dust it really shakes me because I wonder if we'll be next. Affairs have been the main cause, and the worst was an old friend who was blissfully happy one weekend, the next her husband of 15 years (together from childhood sweethearts for 22years) walked in and said it was over, there was someone else and he wouldn't be back. They'd agreed and talked lots about their arrangement being the best way for them and it broke her heart listening in the divorce court that he was lonely and couldn't help but fall for someone he was working the long hours with. Maybe it would've happened if he stayed at home but he was able to lead a double life so easily by working away.

Even if your husband works long hours never underestimate how much the little time you have in the evening matters and how much being part of a partnership means. From making sure you always have milk (can't just pop out) to never drinking in the week (perhaps just me) because I never know if thats the night illness will hit and I'll be solely responsible for cleaning up /comforting/ taking to the out of hours surgery (dragging other child too). Don't notice the continual sense of responsibility until DH is home and I'm just so much more relaxed (even though I'm still the one that does everything there's the feeling of backup there). I know you have your mum but having a mum that's more at home in your house than your DH is also a marriage wrecker in my experience.

You've obviously made up your mind anyway and I wish you well.

Completely agree with confuddledDOTcom about the pressure on DH. My DH feels very guilty when he hears the DC or me are ill and can't help, then there's the missed open afternoons at school, parents' nights, shows and performances that are never on a Friday for some reason. His diet is appalling and he's put on a lot of weight, but perhaps that will stop the affairs

Ye,s if they start to lose the weight then you worry (applies in a non sexist way to women too) . Plenty of women work away from home these days too and plenty of men follow women's careers actually. Not all women work part time for much less money than their man these days.

In 17 years my husband and I have had to spend long periods apart, mostly 6 weeks at a time but has been as much as 6 months on a some occasions. It is not always easy but certainly marriages can work, ours works. The children are fine too. There is always an odd re adjustment period when we are together again, we somehow have high expectations of how lovely it will be when it isn't always for a short while, we both have to remember to be more accomodating to the other and a little less selfish. Good Luck!

My OH has lost weight because he's walking in a rather hilly area (no public transport for his route) and he's making his main meal breakfast and lunch his light meal with a snack at night. I'm not worried about him cheating, but that's something I'll leave off discussing...

I'm at the hospital once a fortnight, our eldest is under a paediatrician for her asthma and constipation (she was premature which left her lungs and bowels not functioning properly) and our youngest is just starting with physio and testing for several autoimmune diseases so he's missing out on a lot. He's trying to work his five days over four so he can be with us one day a week without losing any more holiday time.

Why should it be you lumbered with all that rather than him though? It just seems incredibly sexist, very one sided and very unfair. How does it come to happen he earns more than you etc etc.

Why should it be you lumbered with all that rather than him though? It just seems incredibly sexist, very one sided and very unfair. How does it come to happen he earns more than you etc etc.

See - I would have thought that 5 years ago. But I look after the kids and the house and everything because I choose to. I didn't think I would want it like that, but actually I enjoy it.

OH earns more than me because he is educated to a higher level, has a mass or worldly experience, is willing to live in a car hundreds of miles from civilsation and can speak a few languages. I don't tick those categories.

It doesn't seem unfair to me. But then I haven't had it any other way - since DS1 was tiny it has been my daily responsibility to look after him, then DS2 - I really don't have much experience of shared parenting!

It's a really difficult situation. I'll just write a bit focussed on adultery because that's my experience. I'm not suggesting it is the main issue in your situation, but it's the one I am familiar with unfortunately.

You will both have to make a huge effort to keep your marriage on track. In our case, my DH had an affair with a colleague. The strain on our marriage/the affair happened because:

1. Time spent apart. Can't always talk - DH out on work dinners/events, me busy with DCs etc. Our lives started to separate and he admits that he basically forgot he loved me. It sounds ridiculous for an intelligent professional, but it happens so much.

2. Little kids in the mix. It's just stressful for so many reasons, you know them.

3. The female colleague - he spent loads and loads of time with her and totally misunderstood his feelings. He actually thought that he loved her but had nothing in common with her and she wasn't even his type. He just got so caught up in working with her. Again, sounds ridiculous, but it is so common.

Affairs occur because the person cheating stops giving enough to the marriage. Not because they don't receive enough from it. That's why you both have to give if you are far apart. DH got married to me thinking he would never cheat and the relationship was perfect, didn't need working on...it's that sort of complacent attitude that lets affairs happen. Both of you have to be really focussed on the marriage because you will not be in the same bed at night.

I don't blame you for not wanting to uproot. Your situation sounds good.

We've done this for the past 5 years - I love it. We really do appreciate each other when we're together and make an effort to do stuff as a family and enjoy the time we do have.

You do have to be quite organised - what we've found works for us is having the travel planned well in advance at regular times, making sure you have a regular time each day when you speak to one another (even if it's just 5 mins to say goodnight), and making sure you have lots of support during the week when you are on your own.

People have commented on the "unfairness" of having to be sole charge during the week - the way I look at this is that DH spends 12 hours a week travelling for us to be together every weekend, so I should put the same amount of time into the relationship. Plus he has to organise himself to travel up and down, making sure he has planned in advance and has everything he needs for that week, so it's quite stressful on top of a hectic job and long hours. I don't regard my job as being anywhere near as stressful and I get to spend loads of time with the kids which DH would love to have but can't.

It definitely works for us. I don't think it would work unless we trusted each other completely and we had some extra family support here (and that's the main reason we decided not to live in London).

We have done this for thelast 18 months and it is open ended. I think it is harder on DH than me. Kids are teenagers, which made moving out of the question. It is very tiring for Dh and going back to an empty flat is lonely. I have the kids, friends and family for company. He also feels bad when things go wrong (and boy have we had a tough year and a half with DS1) and he's not here to help. He is quite down on Sunday afternoons with the prospecct of leaving.

If this is a long term thing, I really don't understand why you wouldn't just move? Why/how does any job or amount of money become more important than you being together as a family? Your DCs will remember that their Daddy wasn't there, not that there was more money in the bank.

Are you a home-bird and cannot imagine life outside Ireland?
Your DCs are at the best age for a move.

Yes, living apart some of the time can work and you can be happy. Bits of it are hard and bits of it are easy. I think it has made us appreciate each other more.

I think the key is trust and honesty. You both have to do this from the start and it doesn't sound like either of you are. You are saying you can't go with him, but in actual fact you don't want to. It's fine not to want to, but trying to pretend you're doing anything other than making a choice about what matters most to you isn't a good way to start this. He is doing the same by saying he's leaving it down to you. You both need to be honest about what you really want and prioritise your decisions accordingly.

LargeGlassOfRedPlease Because not everywhere is a good place to bring up children. We made a very concious decision not to live in London with the kids because:
a) I hate it and would make everyone else very miserable (MainlyMaynie I was very, very honest about that!! And yes I did it for 5 years beforehand so knew exactly what I'd be getting into)
b) We'd need to live quite centrally for his work and it's not great for parks/schools etc.
c) DH loves his job - he would never ever be able to do the kinds of projects he gets to work on without being based down south. I could never ask him to give that up - nor would I want to.
d) We don't have any family down there whereas here we have both sets of grandparents on hand and lots of very wonderful friends who step in if I have some kind of a drama, including next door neighbours etc.
e) With long hours, the kids probably wouldn't see Daddy at all during the week anyway, and when they did see him he'd be in work mode and a grumpy bear with a sore head.

f) We couldn't afford the type of lifestyle we have here in London. And please note, the money comes way, way down the list of reasons - it's not the main reason why people work away from home.

I think the problem you have OP is what ever you do there might be resentment.

I had to persuade DH to turn a next step job down - it was for very practical reason once we looked at cost of commute and price of places to rent and all the bills we could not cut the sums did not add up. He was not sold on ethos of place and said he was fine but it comes up when he's frustrated and there seems to be some resentment even though he concedes it was not a viable option.

Thing is I have moved with him twice for work before this- once before DC which had a unexpected detrimental affect on my career and pay packet and once after the DC - with young baby and a toddler. Everyone said it would be fine - but it was unbelievable hard. Everyone said toddler was to young to be affected -they were wrong it badly upset her for a long time. I really missed the support net work of friends I had built up and DH worked much longer hours with a long commute so they saw him less than before anyway. The family we left behind would now be unbelievable useful now I am aiming and planning to get back to work. There have been some very bad times for us and I have never despite being here longer and putting much more effort in have never been able to develop the support network I had and unfortunately there have been times when I have been unable to not vocalise the resentment and loss I felt for years afterwards.

Having done the move and bought a house DH was then unexpectedly made redundant from the job that had moved us here after two years. I know several people who have uprooted family only for them 12 months later to end up working else where.

Do know several people who have had DH away for long periods often in different countries. They say it is hard - they usually moved close to family or it was short term and they made use of help paid and friends. None that I know have separated but no idea if that is normal. We may yet have to go through this as DH dream job will have at least a 12 month probational period attached to it. I don't think I'd want to be away from DH much longer than that but life may have other plans.

We have 4 children (17, 15, 14 and 7). The worst time was when we had 3 under 3 but dh's work means he does need to travel if we want to pay the mortgage!

Now I think it bothers dh more than me. It would help if I was the type to do loads of housework so there was only fun to be had at weekends but I don't really see why I should. It was great when we had a cleaner but we live extremely rurally so good ones aren't easy to find. I'm jealous of him eating out and staying in nice hotels, and he's jealous of me staying at home with the children. At weekends he wants to potter and I want to party. There's a book in there somewhere.

I have moved (when kids were at primary level) to live abroad, though now with A levels etc I wouldn't consider it. We make the most of holiday opportunuties (he works abroad in the week) and look for positive options. Loved it. I do work - I do supply teaching and some tutoring. I could have achieved much more work wise but like my life. It wouldn't work if I wasn't independent, and on the days when the children have too many clubs it's a different matter! It's a compromise but we make the most of it.

OP, you sound very grounded and you have not wavered throughout this thread.

We are all different, and you seem to have a great support system at home and at the end of the day its a decision for you to make now.

There is no reason for the marriage to fail, but from experience I know that it does change the relationship. It has not put a strain on ours but we did grow into our little habits during the year we were apart. I moved with the kids to join him 3 months ago and we are all good now but we are slightly different people nevertheless.
Reuniting the family has been great for us. The children were very unsettled with their dad away and that is what made every individual relationship in the family strained. It was not our couple as such.

Good luck!

If he is at work Monday to Friday while you are 'stuck at home putting 2 kids to bed' I'd say you are the one that's having all the fun. Poor DH is the one that's missing out IMO

Thanks everyone for the advice. We are really thinking hard about this before we make a decision. The same company that headhunted DH have said if he does not accept the job in London they will try to fit him in somewhere in Northern Ireland. wont be as good of a job or opportunity, but at least he will be here. We are going to talk it through at the weekend and work out the money side of it.

It can work but it is exhausting. You'll be in charge of the children and you might feel your DH is criticising your parenting if he tells his children off when at home at weekends (I speak from experience!).
A better outcome would be for you to move to the London area (could be the home counties, not London itself). Your lifestyle would be very different in the SE though and your money will not go as far.

I hope you don't mind me saying it but I can't see that your reasons given for staying (i.e. the children) are very strong because they could easily move at these ages. Is it that you don't want to live away from Northern Ireland for your own sake?

No parks in Central London?

Heard of Hyde Park? Regent's Park? Hampstead Heath? Green Park? St James's Park? Primrose Hill? Queen's Park? Finsbury Park?

Just saying.

A man who says he has to live centrally for his job in London needs to realise how most people have to live. Like fat lazy middle aged MPs who say they couldn't possibly get the tube home at 10.30 after woeking late even loads of us do that from London to the suburbs. We all make sacrifices for our families and the muggins left home with the children whilst a man works away gets the worst of all worlds often although I think in this case you want to stay where you are.

So do my plan, agree as long as it's fixed term, he calls every night on skype to talk to the chidlren, goes through homework with them etc and plays a part remotely, you get to hire a babysitter to get the children to bed 2 o r 3 nights a week whilst he is away etc etc and when he's home he does more not less housework and childcare -eg you coudl have 100% of all Saturdays offg and he stays home adn does the child care and changes all the sheets or various other jobs like other washing which needs to be done.

I really don't know why you botherered to post. It is such a typical AIBU thread. OP has already made her mind up and is "shocked" that others don't agree. Twas ever thus.
OP has clearly made her mind up that N I is Nivarna and London is Hell.

IMO you already sound resentful, despite living in Nivarna, and this will get worse and worse and worse the longer he is away.
Given your attitude and approach, I think he should stay with you in Nivarna. Heaven forfend that you have an adventure together - you never know you may find there are Parks, jobs and Negative Equity in London too. Oh and as for your mother - take her with you!

I lived apart from DH for 6 months due to work and hated every single day of it. Never again.

I think it is very strange you'd put so many nebulous quantities like schools and friends ahead of your marriage and it's a pity that you only want yes answers. I just think it's incredibly selfish you're not putting being with your husband first.

I didnt say London was Hell at all, but I would never raise a family there. Dont see why I havet explain it. I asked could a marriage work if the husband works away, not once did I ask for advice on wether or not I should move with him. Its really my business why I wouldnt move, not anyone elses.
Thanks again to those who gave real advice.