Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to pay for my bridesmaid shoes?

268 replies

blue2711 · 22/03/2011 09:13

Title says it all really. I am being bridesmaid for my friend and she has chosen a pair of very expensive shoes (which I don't need or particularly want myself) and she would like me to pay for them. Is this the norm? They are £150 by the way!

OP posts:
giantpurplepeopleeater · 22/03/2011 09:53

No I don't think you should pay half either.

Even £75 for shoes that you probably won't wear again is bloody extortionate!!!

Think you should say very politely that you cannot afford it, and that you have restricted options. Either (a) you can wear your similar shoes (b) she buys the shoes she wants you to have or (c) you both look for something reasonably (i.e. new look price range) price range that you can actually afford.

If she doesn't want to do any of these - she is the one being unreasonable.

What is it it about weddings!!!!

How anyone can think that dictating someone wear a particular pair of shoes, that they wouldn't wear otherwise, and make them pay £150 for the privilige is beyond me!!!

BendyBob · 22/03/2011 09:54

Good lord yadnbu! Shock

I keep seeing threads like this on mn. If a bride wants someone to be a bridesmaid or anything at her wedding that involves wearing her choice of clothing then the outfit should be bought for them.

Dinosaurhunter · 22/03/2011 09:54

Op - I had the same problem last summer , my best friend was getting married and expected us all to pay for everything except the dress ( though I had to pay £50 in alterations ) it really caused tension between us so I would suggest being honest and say no - i wish I did !

ChristinedePizan · 22/03/2011 09:58

Someone needs to do a book on wedding etiquette that is handed out the moment you book a venue.

Chapter two - Bridesmaids

If you want your bridesmaids to wear a particular outfit/item of clothing, you pay for it.

choccyp1g · 22/03/2011 10:00

Buy the ones she wants, but SECRETLY RETURN THEM. On the day, wear your own shoes.

If she notices, explain that the others were agony, and you couldn't risk a blister on the big day.

Actually, why not just go along with her to but the shoes, but fake agony, (which will probably not need faking) and say you can't wear them because they don't fit.

Which they probably won't anyway.

You can see I am not a fan of posh shoes that hurt.

poopnscoop · 22/03/2011 10:00

I paid for the bridesmaid's tailor-made dresses, they kept them. They sorted their own shoes. I felt this was fair... and think some brides are bridezillas and totally OTT sometimes.

I would just tell your friend you cannot afford them and will wear what you already have. If she wants you to wear them, she buys them.

MrsDaffodill · 22/03/2011 10:02

I chose (with bridesmaid input) their dresses and therefore paid for those.

I let my bridesmaids chose their own shoes and they paid (standard black heels for the women and cream sandals for the little girls, so easy to re-use).

I agree that whatever the bride dictates the bride pays for.

amidaiwish · 22/03/2011 10:14

i think the answers on here are pretty consistent
YADNBU

but how good a friend is she?
sometimes it is worth paying it, if you can afford it ok, to keep the peace

otherwise, i would agree with the poster who says tell her they hurt too much and you have a pair almost identical which you can wear, assuming they look pretty good.

it is fairly standard ime for the bridesmaids to buy their own shoes, but only within rough guidelines (eg colour) so that you can get a pair which fit comfortably.

Aims80 · 22/03/2011 10:18

I don't get this obessesion with everything having to match.. and it's really unreasonable to ask someone to pay £150 for a pair of shoes they probably won't wear again.

I'm just pondering over bridesmaid's shoes.. it'll either be buy them matching ones from New Look or somewhere or let them choose/buy their own. Hmm.

BertieBasset · 22/03/2011 10:35

I only had younger bridesmaids for my wedding (up to 13) but paid for the shoes.

When I have been a bridesmaid I have never paid for anything. I would have happily bought my own shoes though if I could have chosen them myself within a colour range.

I would never spend £150 on a pair of shoes full stop, so the thought of buying them to please someone else who seems rather precious about their big day would be a definite no.

brass · 22/03/2011 10:35

I think it's very telling that she's buying the belt at £50 and keeping it for herself!

Sorry I wouldn't be paying half either. You'd still be £75 out of pocket.

Has she seen your shoes? You may still be able to convince her.

amidaiwish · 22/03/2011 10:36

£50 belt on a bridesmaid dress? eh? pic please... i cannot imagine it.

Rosedee · 22/03/2011 10:43

Tell her to sod off as you can't afford it. If she wants you to wear those shoes she pays. Some people don't half take the Mick! Show her a pic of the new look shoes, maybe when she sees how similar they are shell change her mind

foreverondiet · 22/03/2011 10:43

I would tell her that they aren't comfortable and that you can't/will not spend £150 on a pair of shoes that aren't comfortable, and no one will notice the difference.

Otherwise do as another poster said and agree, but then buy the cheaper shoes instead. She probably will not notice.

I have just paid for DD (7) bridesmaid shoes, but the bride said any pink (or white) shoes ok. The truth is that I wouldn't have bought her pink/white shoes at all but she will be able to wear them all summer (out of school obviously). I know the bride would pay if I asked but I am happy to buy them. I bought DS1 pageboy shoes, but after the wedding he will wear for school and they are a size bigger than his current so again I don't mind.

etyksm · 22/03/2011 10:47

Chose bridesmaid dresses along with my bridesmaids (had already told them what colour I wanted and they were both happy with that) And I paid for them.

As one of my bridesmaids has back problems I said as long as they had matching shoes I was happy, I think in the end we ended up buying about 5 pairs of shoes, and returning the ones that were no good. I think in the end they had similar but not identical shoes as what was comfortable for one wasn't for the other. I think I originally said they would pay for the shoes but I think I ended up paying just cos we ended up with so many! Bridesmaids took the unanted ones back to the shop though :-) and they certainly were more new look / high street prices than £150!

basically the principle that what the bride dictates the bride pays for seems fair to me.

EldritchCleavage · 22/03/2011 11:01

Good God, this is ludicrous. No one will notice or care about the difference between two pairs of nude patent courts. She is being unreasonable not to agree to you wearing the shoes you have already got. She is being doubly unreasonable to specify any item of clothing and expect you to pay for it.

Having broken the first rule of sensible weddings (no adult bridesmaids) she could at least observe the second (bride pays for bridal party outfits).

AKMD · 22/03/2011 11:08

YANBU. I'm in the same situation after the bride ordered a hideous dress that she chose and then told me to pay for it. I said no. Big fuss but fine. The dresses came and were altered, then she told me I had to pay for the alterations. I pointed out that she was being rude and unreasonable, huge fuss. Still not resolved and the wedding is in 3 weeks.

When I got married, I paid for the dresses but asked (not told!) my bridesmaids to sort their own shoes, without giving precise instructions on what they should pick. This kind of precious, rude behaviour really winds me up.

moonbells · 22/03/2011 11:13

I've seen both sides of this one. Many moons ago I was bridesmaid for two friends, one a year after the other. The dresses were a virtually identical colour and so the shoes would have been. The first found some nice silk shoes which were from a dance shop and bought me them, the second wanted xyz from specific shop and we nearly fell out badly because she insisted I paid. On the grounds I could wear them again. I wanted to wear the previous pair, but no...

I never have, but when I finally got married some 13 years later, I found some nice shoes for my bridesmaids (not the same friends - they both had youngsters to shepherd!) and offered to buy them for them unless they had some similar shoes that they preferred. One chose to wear her own, the other had the new ones, but I had never forgotten how Angry I was to be presented with a bill for £28 when I was a struggling student nearly 20y ago. So much so I can still remember the price!

Ironically I looked so different to both other bridesmaids at no.2's wedding (they were natural dark brunettes, I'm natural strawberry blonde, and I was about 6" taller and 3 dress sizes smaller - oh if only that were the case now!!) that I could probably have worn Doc Martens and nobody would have noticed!

vintageteacups · 22/03/2011 11:15

She's taking the mick!

Offer to use the shoes you already have or you'll buy some similar but a lot cheaper but not £150.

Whether you can just about afford it or not, it's whether you agree/want to pay for them.....and you obviously don't.

I'd tell you cannot afford to pay for them, end of.

JulesJules · 22/03/2011 11:17

YANBU

She has obviously lost perspective here Grin

No-one will be looking at your feet.

I think you should just say that you cannot afford to buy the shoes (I wouldn't go halves, either) and that you will wear your own very similar shoes instead. If you have to wear the LK Bennet ones then she will have to pay for them.

Am also intrigued about the belt!

ZZZenAgain · 22/03/2011 11:20

tbh the belt thing is really strange in my eyes, either it is part of the bridesmaid outfit or it isn't

Are you the only bridesmaid or what about the belts the others are wearing?

bemybebe · 22/03/2011 11:25

One word for her - bridezilla!
YANBU

scotsgirl23 · 22/03/2011 11:29

She's lost it! My bridesmaids did pay for their own shows but they weren't asked to; we were out shopping, they spotted shoes which were a perfect match and both decided to buy them. They've both worn them since though, and I think they were about £30. Not £150!

She's being thoroughly unreasonable!

ENormaSnob · 22/03/2011 12:08

Yanbu

she chooses - she pays

Elizadoesdolittle · 22/03/2011 12:21

YANBU. My bridesmaids paid for their own shoes but they chose them themselves. If they had owned shoes already that they had wanted to wear then that would have been fine with me. I am bridesmaid for one of my bridesmaids who is getting married this year. I am paying for my own shoes but I can chose them myself. I need new shoes for weddings I have to go to anyway so I'm just glad I'll get more wear out of them.
That seems to be the norm to me. I would stick to your guns and not buy the shoes. I would never pay £150 for a pair of shoes anyway! Your friend is BVU.

Swipe left for the next trending thread