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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to pay for my bridesmaid shoes?

268 replies

blue2711 · 22/03/2011 09:13

Title says it all really. I am being bridesmaid for my friend and she has chosen a pair of very expensive shoes (which I don't need or particularly want myself) and she would like me to pay for them. Is this the norm? They are £150 by the way!

OP posts:
Dozer · 26/03/2011 08:59

Love this thread, really want to see the green dresses and for wedding guests to see this thread and "out" the bridezilla! Though op may not appreciate it.

ZenNudist · 26/03/2011 10:03

Not read the rest of the thread but weighing in with my view. Bridesmaids shoes should be paid for by the bride, if she wants something specific, or matching. If bride is happy for the BMs to wear their own shoes and just suggest a colour eg. silver, then it's more acceptable as BM can shop within her budget and hopefully will use the shoes again.

My tip: suggest something similar & cheaper. Dune do very nice BM shoes for £60 ish. For rock bottom prices BHS do a great range of BM shoes online. Tell her you can't afford £150 for shoes you won't really wear again. If she is a good friend she will understand. God £150, that's steep!!

DitaVonCheese · 26/03/2011 10:18

Zen and Gumps - OP already owns a similar pair!

ilovesprouts · 26/03/2011 10:20

yanbu ,

ZenNudist · 26/03/2011 10:31

Ha just read everything else. You have my sympathies OP! I hope it goes well this weekend with your bridezilla. Please don't back down YADDDNBU :)

This thread has reminded me to go ring my bf who I am BM for. Will be watching to see how your dilemma pans out. Good luck!

Original poster
blue2711 · 26/03/2011 19:47

Have just tried on the shoes. They are nice. Didn't pay her for them; am going to wait and see if she has the nerve to ask again! Surely on the day itself she's not going to be thinking of the £50 I 'owe' her? Same with the belt - she's going to have to wrestle it off with me!

I've really njoyed reading the responses and your tales of brides of the zilla variety. Thanks all. Any more developments I'll be back.

OP posts:
CelebratedMonkey · 26/03/2011 19:56

If she likes the belt so much, can't she just go buy another one? Crazy lady. Glad the shoes are nice.

DitaVonCheese · 26/03/2011 20:04

Well done for not caving and offering her half!

Blondeshavemorefun · 27/03/2011 11:21

dont understand why she wants the belts back, she can hardly wear all the belts together

when is the wedding - do we have months to wait for the update of the day?

Original poster
blue2711 · 27/03/2011 12:41

The wedding is soon! End of April.

The other bridesmaid can keep her belt as she is paying for it; I have to give it back, unless I offer to pay for it.

Looking at the shoes again this morning, next to my poor old rejected New Look pair, I've gone off them a bit. They're not as high as I like to wear (I'm only 5ft 1) and the peep toe bit is really uncomfortable...

AIBU to wish I wasn't bridesmaid??!

Plus, now the HAIR dilemma has arisen. I'm rubbish at doing it myself but normally just try to curl it and not worry too much if it doesn't work too well. But I'm anxious if it looks rubbish I'll be in trouble with the bride. She hasn't offered to pay to have my hair done and has told me that the other bridesmaid has been practising putting hers up. I NEVER wear my hair up and don't intend to, but already feel a bit anxious about it... Do you think I should just ask if she can pay to have my hair done on the day? Will be beside myself if she asks me to pay!

OP posts:
Rosedee · 27/03/2011 12:46

Hmm when I was bridesmaid paid for my hair and makeup and my bridesmaid is getting her shoes and dress bought for her but I've said if she wants her hair and make up done professionally then will she pay for it. I think she's intending to do it herself anyway. Think you'd be q bit cheeky to ask her to pay for your hair.
Why can't you wear it up? Could the other bm help with your hair?

Rosedee · 27/03/2011 12:47

Sorry when I was bm I paid for hair and make up.

scotsgirl23 · 27/03/2011 12:52

Mine paid for their own/did it themselves too I'm afraid. I'm quite good at hair and was happy to help with it but they both decided to get it put up. Then, one came back from the hairdressers on the day and hated it so much that she took it down and I ended up doing it anyway -10 mins before the car was due!

Original poster
blue2711 · 27/03/2011 13:00

Rose, I think if the bride had not asked me to pay for belt and shoes (expensive and not my choice in case you didn't see rest of thread) I probably would be really happy to pay for makeup and hair. I'm just all grumpy now, which is a shame and I know I should just get over it.

I really don't want to wear my hair up; I don't think it really suits me and would feel self-conscious (well, even MORE self-conscious than I will do in my tight green satin...) But I do like the idea of getting other bridesmaid to help me curl my hair. Thanks.

OP posts:
Blondeshavemorefun · 27/03/2011 13:01

i would have paid for my bm hair but my bm mum is a hairdresser and did our hair

afaic the bride pays for everything, dress/shoes/hair/make up etc

NinkyNonker · 27/03/2011 13:26

If you ask, you pay. If she wants if done, she pays. Otherwise you're being hypocritical on the shoe issue.

Rosedee · 27/03/2011 13:28

Oh I get you're grumpy and you have every reason to be! She's a total bridezilla. I just don't think she's gonna pay for your hair! And if you do wanna put some curls in and it doesn't look great then tell the bride you need her hairdresser just to 'go over it' to make it right Grin

DitaVonCheese · 27/03/2011 13:36

When I was bm the bride paid for our hair to be done and I paid for mine (just a wash and a blow dry though, that was all they wanted). If you're really fussed about it then I don't think it's unreasonable for you to pay, but I would just tell the bride you'll do your best and see what she says.

DitaVonCheese · 27/03/2011 13:38

I paid for my bms I mean, just realised that wasn't terribly clear!

jasminetom · 27/03/2011 16:36

Say no!

rookiemater · 27/03/2011 18:12

I think she is entitled to ask for anything back she has paid for, my cousin did this when i was a BM didn't bother me at all as whe wanted to resell the stuff.

Re the shoes, do not offer to pay for them and see what happens. For the hair, I would have a few goes at doing it myself, if you do it a few times then you might be able to pass muster. Again if she insists on it being a certain way then its up to her to make it happen i.e. pay, but tbh with the way the other stuff is going, I would keep quiet about it and hopefully you will wear it the way you want to.

plupedantic · 27/03/2011 22:23

This bride is risking a lot to buy the shoes, when you have been openly digging in your heels over this...

Grin
elphabadefiesgravity · 27/03/2011 22:34

digging in your heels ha ha ha!

plupedantic · 28/03/2011 08:27

Haha, indeed. But a serious point. OP, why has this idiotic bride antagonised you in this way? You have told her you can't afford this (ridiculous) pair of shoes, not least because you have a duplicate pair, and not only has she not been mortified to have asked such a thing, she's insisted (rudely), and has gone ahead and bought shoes, which apparently can't be returned, without your trying them on.

Is this her backing down, or is she preparing a showdown? If she does try a showdown, she is even worse than we all thought, since (a) you were reasonable, both with your refusal and with your offer of a compromise and (b) she had her chance to do it the easy way and (c) what kind of idiot (even if willing to piss off a friend weren't idiocy enough) wants a bridesmaid who hates her on her wedding day?

Has she ever done anything like this before?

ZZZenAgain · 28/03/2011 08:38

no, I think don't ask her if she'll pay for your hair, just do the best you can. The whole money aspect is getting a bit too tense.

What about one of those clip on type hair arrangments wtih a lot of curls in it. Do you know what I mean? They are like hair attachments to give you a fuller or more dressed look. You could put the sides back and have a clip like that (if I could only explain it) which has a lot of curls in your hair colour, that falls down the back on top of your own hair. I would need someone to put that in for me but I have seen those look really nice and they stay put

When I've been a bridesmaid, the hair was done for us. Thank goodness because I could never in a million years put it up myself.

How are you feeling about this wedding now? Just dreading it or looking forward to it a bit?