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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to pay for my bridesmaid shoes?

268 replies

blue2711 · 22/03/2011 09:13

Title says it all really. I am being bridesmaid for my friend and she has chosen a pair of very expensive shoes (which I don't need or particularly want myself) and she would like me to pay for them. Is this the norm? They are £150 by the way!

OP posts:
ZacharyQuack · 23/03/2011 00:44

Envy those are bloody lovely shoes, Zillion. If this marriage doesn't work out, can I be your bridesmaid next time?

YellowDinosaur · 23/03/2011 07:04

Agree with everyone else on here - if you want to dictate what your bridesmaids wear you pay. If you want them to pay they get to choose (guidelines on colour is fine)

Why not say to her that you are very happy to buy shoes that you will wear again. Given that the new Look ones you have linked look to be exactly the same colour why don't both you and the other bm buy those? I know you have some nearly the same but if she wants new ones for her wedding both of you buying these is a good compromise so you are wearing the same shoes.

With everyone else who says noone will notice and she is being daft for not letting you wear the ones you have already which will clearly also go with the belt even if they are not from LK Bennet!

I love shoes too and would pay £150 for a pair I loved and would wear again but the ones she likes are just dull, a style that always gives me mahoosive blisters and I would not ever ever wear again. On those grounds I would not be paying for them and wouldn't actually be kee on wearing them even if she paid as my feet would be ripped to shreds by the end of the day!

altinkum · 23/03/2011 07:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LargeGlassOfRedPlease · 23/03/2011 07:44

YANBU!!!
It should cost you NOTHING!

My friend made me pay for our DDs hair when she was her flower-girl. Thought that was terrible.

flossymuldoon · 23/03/2011 07:52

Why not suggest that the other bridesmaid buys the same shoes as the ones you already have? Then you'll both match, and the other bridesmaid will be pretty chuffed that she is £130 better off?

savoycabbage · 23/03/2011 08:05

No, do not pay for them! It is an outrage! I bet the other bridesmaid's mother is paying for hers. Anyway, you shouldn't have to buy them and I hope that you don't!

ZillionChocolate · 23/03/2011 19:35

Thanks ZacharyQuack!

I do wonder where this obsession with making things look good for the photos will end. If you can make your nearest and dearest shell out for expensive shoes they don't want which might not be comfortable in the name of making everyone look the same, why not make them gain/lose weight, have breast surgery, dye and cut their hair to match? IMO you should chose bridesmaids because they're important to you, not because they will complement the look you're going for in your wedding themed photo shoot.

I wonder whether "I'm terribly sorry, but I won't buy shoes I don't need and can't afford. If that makes you feel that you don't want me as a BM anymore, then there'll be no hard feelings" might show your bridezilla just how unreasonable she's being. If you stand firm, her options are to back down/compromise or to sack you.

sue52 · 23/03/2011 19:37

My daughter is getting married next year year and DH and I are paying for all the bridesmaids clothes and shoes. It would never occur to me to ask them to pay.

Greenkit · 23/03/2011 19:58

Same here Sue52, my daughter is getting married and we are buying the wedding dress and bridesmaids dresses and shoes (five bridesmaids ffs)

CammieP · 23/03/2011 19:59

Agree with everyone else. If she chooses it, she pays. If you get to choose, then you pay (and of course wear the ones you already have). When I got married, I bought dressed for my 2 bridesmaids. I told them they could wear whatever shoes they wanted. One bought new ones and one wore ones they already had. I honestly couldn't tell you what they looked like!

(By the way, I love the Melissa Vivien Wetwood shoes, I have some in that make and they smell like bubblegum!)

TidyDancer · 23/03/2011 20:11

Frankly, I don't think bridesmaids should be expected to pay for any of their outfit. There wouldn't be a cost to incur if it wasn't for the wedding, so the cost should of course be absorbed by those getting married. And yes, this is the way I will be doing things for my own wedding.

OP, YANBU and if Bridezilla won't back down on this (bloody cheek asking you for the belt!), step down from the wedding party. The headache would just not be worth it for me.

TidyDancer · 23/03/2011 20:12

Oh, and I agree with the masses, the New Look ones are much nicer!

LoveBeingKnockedUp · 23/03/2011 20:43

I bought my bms shoes and got black strappy (new look!) shoes so they could wear them again!

Do not pay

Happylander · 23/03/2011 21:02

We did our wedding on a budget and my bridemaids paid for their own shoes but I let them get what they wanted. I feel quite bad now that I didn't pay for the little ones although I did offer. The big ones were told they could wear anything they liked as long as they were black although to tbh honest they could have worn any colour. I did pay for their dresses and made sure it was a style they could wear again and a colour they all liked. £150 is a stupid amount of money to pay for shoes don't do it!!!

Needanewname · 23/03/2011 21:24

Suggest that you buy the belt and she buys the shoes!

BTW YANBU, she is and she probably knwos it too but thought she might get away with it.

TeeBee · 23/03/2011 21:37

God, this is why I hate weddings!!!! All this angst over a pair of shoes.

DitaVonCheese · 23/03/2011 22:29

YANBU. If you are really worried and want to placate your friend then you could go halves then ebay them afterwards and might get a decent wadge of your cash back, but you really shouldn't have to pay.

I was bm years ago for a friend and had to get shoes which matched all the other bms (though tbf was more at chief bm's insistence than the bride's I think). I have really wide feet and they were agony. I kicked them off during the service and didn't see them again. Couple are still together and no one has ever mentioned that I ruined the wedding so I think it was probably fine :) They were plain black closed toe heels, quite ugly. Had to pay £40 for them and still resentful, particularly on top of the dress which cost £150, wore once then ebayed for £8 Hmm

oggybags · 23/03/2011 22:45

Like others say you'd be happy to buy an outfit so ok to contribute a bit, but 150 seems extreme- I've been bm twice in last year, one bride said wear what u like but in silver, & other provided shoes which were gorge and from debs about 40

Beveridge · 23/03/2011 22:50

If someone asks you to be bridesmaid, there is no way you should be out of pocket on anything.

If you can't afford to pay for all the outfits, shoes, hairdos, etc. you should have less bridesmaids or pick less expensive stuff.

maighdlin · 23/03/2011 22:58

YANBU i got my BMs shoes for them. one was my special needs cousin and couldn't wear high heels but the other two wanted to wear heels. BHS dyeable shoes two heeled one flat, dyed the same colour. no one noticed. mind you no-one noticed when i changed from my lovely ivory but agonising shoes into my silver and purple pumps for the dancing. i think your friend is being a major bridezilla, who has ever heard of someone complaining about the bridesmaid's shoes at a wedding???? i spent a fortune on things for my wedding day that no one even noticed, it was the £300 we spent on pirate stuff for the evening do that people still talk about, (not the bucking GRAND i spent on flowers)

maighdlin · 23/03/2011 23:03

a lower heeled pair v similar are on ebay for 18.99 atm

here

Duna · 23/03/2011 23:30

Crikey, this is awful, and to echo everyone else YADNBU!

I'm getting married this summer, and for my bridesmaids I've...

-Selected the colour of the dresses (mid teal, checked first that it suited them all), and the fabric (light chiffon so easy to wear again) BUT, let them choose their own style of dress from one company from a huge selection of styles, so they all have their own dress which suits their individual shape/taste. Obviously paid for.

-Told them to go and buy a pair of shoes (whatever shoes!!) that suit their individual dresses and I'll reimburse the cost.

-Told them that they're welcome to book an appointment with our wedding hairdresser to decide on what style they each would like if they want to, and asked the hairdresser to add it to the final bill.

I've done this because 1) I budgeted for these costs to start with 2) they're adult women and capable of making their own choices and 3) (most importantly) because they're my best friends who I want to feel comfortable and happy on the day! It's all a no-brainer IMO.

Sod the photos, they're all going to look gorgeous anyway Smile

Shellfish · 23/03/2011 23:48

Yanbu. At all. But to be diplomatic, you could offer to put some money towards it or being Machiavellian you could ask her if you could pay her back in small installments. She d probably charge interest though by the sounds of it.

Ftr I told my bridesmaids they could put on their feet what they wanted. I thought a bit of originality would be nice - no match matchy stuff. It did end up looking hilarious though - one bought vivienne west wood platforms and with the crepe empire dress I had bought them, they looked like those ugly height corrective shoes next to the others who had bought sparkly strappy heels! I didn't give a fuck- we all had a great day and the full length bridesmaid photos still make me giggle.

amidaiwish · 24/03/2011 11:51

i was in LK Bennett today and had a good look/feel of those shoes. They really are not worth £145, not even half that. (and i do often spend that much on shoes for a special occasion/dress).

They are hard and quite plasticky feeling, they really won't be comfortable at all. You won't need to feign agony. There are some other similar ones in that colour: strappy, peep toe, with a slight platform which would be way more stylish and comfortable and distinctive. To have chosen such a ridiculous shoe she clearly has not given it any thought.

anyway that doesn't really help... has there been any developments?

Original poster
blue2711 · 24/03/2011 12:15

Am absolutely loving this thread; you are all making me feel more and more firm in my position of not paying!

Thank you amidaiwish for looking at the shoes! No LK Bennett in my town so I've only been able to look online. You confirm what I thought... there are so many better shoes that could have been chosen! What a shame.

I have heard nothing from the bride since Monday night (when she said she'd ring me Tues) so feel like she might be upset with me. I am holding firm though!

I do keep wishing I was allowed to keep the belt though - I was actually thinking it would have been the nice reminder that I WOULD have worn again - unlike the dress and shoes!!

I'll keep you posted with what happens next....

OP posts: