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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be angry 16yr old step --slut-- daughter is pg when i cant?

339 replies

monstersplatter · 22/03/2011 09:00

Pretty sure I am being unreasonable, but desperately need to vent. My dp is 15 years my senior and had two children (teens....ack) from a previous marriage. We have 1 ds who has just turned 2 and are trying for our second. Have been trying for about 6 months so far. I feel like my life is on hold. There is nothing I want more than to be pregnant again.
Oops, sidetracked. Sorry. So a few weeks ago, his 16 yr old daughter announces she is due at the end of effing August. To a boy she had been dating for a month prior to conception.
She is still smoking, planning on getting herself a nice little council house and lots of juicy benefits, just like her mother. She is not sad or ashamed about any of this.
But now any children I have will be younger than their niece/nephew. I am furious. I don't want to be a Jeremy Kyle statistic. I would rather she wasn't either. I don't want her in my house anymore. I know so much of this is jealousy, she is and I seem currently unable. She has that which I so desperately want.
What would you all do? Should I just get over myself? What would you lot all do?

OP posts:
cookcleanerchaufferetc · 22/03/2011 09:56

There are different issues here. Yes, the girl is stupid for getting pregnant and if she is assuming she can get a council house and benefits to support her, then yes, this is a disgraceful attitude and should not happen. However, you do seem to be mad at her for being pregnant when you can't be ..... That is unfair and not her fault. I think you should be angry with her for getting pregnant but now the time is to discuss her options and plans. I certainly don't think she should get a pat on the back. I think you need to be careful at venting anger towards the girl to your oh as yes, she is an idiot for getting pregnant but this is unrelated to you not getting pregnant.

Why did she not use any contraception?

I actually like the Jeremy Kyle statistic comment!

msshapelybottom · 22/03/2011 10:01

OP it sounds like you were just letting off steam....could you find a way to try and offer support to her? She must be petrified.

I think you should talk to your DH about her visit but in a calm "how can we help her?" kind of way, because you are the adults and she is still a child.

Maybe you could offer to buy a few baby bits for her instead of giving what you have saved for your family?

It sounds like a difficult situation all round.

I agree that the council housing comment could very well be bravado, I'm struggling to imagine how I would have coped with similar circumstances when I was 16.

Sidge · 22/03/2011 10:02

You are young yourself at 27 - you have a young child and it will only be a matter of time before you have another. 6 months of trying to conceive is very little. It takes normal healthy couples up to a year to conceive generally.

I can see you are upset, jealous and resentful and fat better to vent here than out loud but you need to get a grip, calm down and stop being so self absorbed.

Love her or hate her, that 16 year old is, by association, part of your family as she is the daughter of your partner. She was there first.

She is 16, pregnant and probably shitting herself. She needs support and understanding and as you are closer to her age than her dad is maybe she turned to you for that support knowing you were pregnant not that long ago.

Be the grown up, swallow your disappointment and jealousy and be there for her.

(If nothing else, when you do get pregnant your child will have a little playmate ready and waiting.)

Sidge · 22/03/2011 10:03

oops meant far better not fat!

StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 22/03/2011 10:04

Can I just say Well Done to monstersplatter for accepting what's been said to her on this thread. SHe's had a real kicking and admitted she was in the wrong.

I think it's better for her to vent here, get told a few things and take them on board before dealing with this situation in real life, than maybe to let them show either to her stepdaughter or her dh.

Vallhala · 22/03/2011 10:05

"Should i tell Dh about her lovely visit this morning or not?"

I suggest that you tell your DH that his DD turned up this morning... after you've told him that you consider her a slut.

And that she's after a council house and "lots of juicy benefits, just like her mother."

Come back and tell us what he says then and where he goes from there... because if he's any decent sort of parent he won't stick around long after he's heard his daughter (or any woman, come to that) spoken of as a slut.

DillyDaydreaming · 22/03/2011 10:06

She won't get a council house - not if homeless. Most likely whar she will et is a one bed flat (or would round here) which may or may not be on the top floor in a crappy area. Once in the one bed flat she will be told to use the living room as a second sleeping area and the child will be a minimum of 6 before they are moved anywhere else. If she has other children then she may get moved before this but will still have to manage more than one child in overcrowded (and probably damp) accommodation. So - there's nothing to feel envious about there.

More upsetting is her pregnancy because you want another child. YABU to refer to her as a "slut" and even more unreasonable to think that having child younger than a niece or nephew makes you any kind of Jeremy Kyle statistic - she cannot help when she was born or help that you are struggling to conceive.

You are upset and that is not unreasonable to feel.

BlooferLady · 22/03/2011 10:07

Oh dear! I am torn between wanting to shake Monster till her teeth rattle, hissing "Six months? SIX MONTHS?!?!?!?", and sympathy. This business DOES make you bitter and envious on very small provocation and it must've been very galling indeed. "Slut" is not really on, but you know that.

Well done for taking it on the chin OP. I hope you get all these things sorted out. If (WHEN!) you do get pregnant, your child will want a happy relationship with your step-daughter's child, and you are going to have to build the foundations of that relationship now. Good luck!

DillyDaydreaming · 22/03/2011 10:09

Btw - I would not give you any kind of kicking because I can see in the OP that you've just vented and probably feel better for doing so. Nowt wrong with a vent but we do in a vent say things we later wish we hadn't Blush - been there and done that......

thumbwitch · 22/03/2011 10:10

Setting aside the immoderate language you used, you do not have to give her anything of your DS's that you don't want to. There is no "law" that says your SDD gets what she wants of your DS's, none.

So - if you don't want her to have it, and your DH is happy to let you decide, then she doesn't get it. Simple.

If, otoh, some of it WAS hers to start with, then she has a right to have it back (I'm sure I noticed you say "reclaim") - but she could have been far more pleasant in asking for it. And why did she choose to avoid her father? Is he the reason she is estranged? Or is it truly because of your DS?

NeverGoogleZombieJuice · 22/03/2011 10:13

horrible thread - shame on you OP

Original poster
monstersplatter · 22/03/2011 10:14

Cook... she didn't use protection because she is a frikking idiot! I have seen her exam scores, not being cruel. She has gotten pregnant because her friends are and she wants to move out of her mother's house but has no job nor savings. She is not at school, too many unauthorized absences. So she really has nothing going for her.

Responding to how she asked: I'm having a baby soon. I need (ds)'s old shit. She swore in front of a 2 yr old. He hasn't picked up in that thank goodness. I said no, she knows we are trying to have another baby. Even asked her in for a drink, with the proviso she watched her mouth. She told me to fuck myself and stormed off.

I retract the slut comment I was angry, she had just left and there was no way I could have called dp. My best friend hates the kid so would have encouraged these feelings in me. I had to vent somewhere. Still a bit furious. Not that she is pregnant, just that she was so rude. Suppose I have picked her biggest vulnerability and flagged her off. I am better than that, and I sincerely apologise if anyone was genuinely hurt or insulted.

Those who have just slammed me for no real reason, your knee jerk reaction was the same as mine, attack the evil, rude thing. I said nothing to her because I didn't want to hurt her. But vented quickly before letting feelings fester.

OP posts:
ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 22/03/2011 10:17

Erm, that is quite cruel. You just don't like her, do you? I sincerely hope you are better at hiding that in front of her and your DP.

mmsmum · 22/03/2011 10:18

What an evil step mother! OP you sound very horrible, nasty, bitter, and very pathetic. I actually find your OP sickening

I don't see the point in giving any advice and don't think the op has it in here to be nice, so I suppose the best the girl can hope for is for her wicked step mother to leave her alone

There are lots of women here who will have fallen pregnant when we were young, would you say the same about us? Are you another one of 'those people' who think young mothers are all benefit scrounging 'scum' and dirt on the bottom of your shoe?

Horrible!

NeverGoogleZombieJuice · 22/03/2011 10:18

ok, now that OP has seen error of her ways, all is well with the world again :)

Good Luck with TTC

Vallhala · 22/03/2011 10:19

She's claiming your things and your son's things?

Rude as it still is, have you stopped to think that she is claiming her father's things and her father's son's things, if you'll forgive the grammar?

Wait until you have a teenager before you judge, OP. The kid is doubtless scared shitless with an estranged father and a SM who thinks she's a slut because she dared make a mistake and beat SM in some sort of insane fertility race.

Jesus, I hope for your sake that the girl's mother is not an MN-er. If you spoke like this abou one of my teenaged DDs I'd be on your doorstep within half an hour and I'd really give you something to worry about.

new2cm · 22/03/2011 10:19

I think you already know that YABVU.

Then again, it is better to sound off these feelings anonymously on a forum than to your step-daughter's face.

When you have calmed down and got over the initial shock, I hope you will do the best to help her and be genuinely kind to her.

thumbwitch · 22/03/2011 10:22

Why does everyone think that she is scared shitless? Confused There are teens out there who do get pregnant deliberately for whatever reason - and the OP has given reasons as to why this might be the case for this girl.
A good friend of mine's sister did exactly that - got pg deliberately at 16 - so she could get out of her parental home and get her own council flat (back in the 80s when you still could).

Vallhala · 22/03/2011 10:23

"she is a frikking idiot! I have seen her exam scores, not being cruel."

"My best friend hates the kid so would have encouraged these feelings in me"

Sorry, I thought that your SD was the teenager, not you. Grow the fuck up.

And stop digging now OP, you've made it clear that you're jealous of the girl. Poor kid, I feel really sorry for her.

JeremyVile · 22/03/2011 10:25

Well she sounds hideous, dont blame you for being angry at her demanding your sons things.

Again though, I know this about myself and would never be someones step mother.

GlynisIsFixed · 22/03/2011 10:25

So, a frightened, angry, PREGNANT young woman is at your door asking for you help and you tell her no? NO matter what she was asking, you told her NO. How did you expect her to react?

Then even ask her in for a drink Hmm- leave her to vent her anger, you both need a chance to approach this again

GothAnneGeddes · 22/03/2011 10:25

Goodness, I wish people would read the thread, it's moved on since the OP's first post. I think people are just pouncing to give a kicking and are thus no better then the behaviour they're decrying.*

OP - Just to reiterate the sensible advice you've been given, her behaviour is likely bravado to cover up her sense of fear. In the nicest possible way, this isn't about you and you're going to have to swallow those feelings and try to be as supportive as possible. Doing so will be better in the long run.

*I also remember a very long thread where some of the po faces on here felt it was ok to strong arm a step daughter into having an abortion. Hmm

MillyR · 22/03/2011 10:27

If you get into a relationship with someone who is older enough to be a grandfather, you can't really complain when he becomes a grandfather, and as a consequence has an emotional responsibility to his grandchild.

I also think you have a responsibility to work towards creating a really good relationship between this girl and your son. They could be close, almost like brother and sister. Oh hold on, they are brother and sister! Sibling relationships are the longest and often the most important relationships many people have.

Maybe you won't get pregnant again, but your child is lucky to have a sibling. Don't ruin that for him.

Bogeyface · 22/03/2011 10:28

Well going against the grain (Again!) I would be bloody fuming at her turning up on my doorstep demanding things she had no right to, swearing at me and being rude!

She hasnt got the decency to speak to her father directly but expects him and the OP to blithely hand over expensive baby items without so much as a please or thank you. And then gets sweary and nasty when the OP explains that they need them.

I'll be perfectly honest and say that while I do not for one second think that the girls is a slut or a waste of space, I do think that she has a massive attitude problem and with the school absences, and demanding attitude I would be hard pushed to like her!

But mentioning her exams results etc OP is nasty and serves no purpose. It isnt only poor achievers that get pg young you know, there is a straight A students mum on chat right now who has just found out that she will be a grandma very young.

new2cm · 22/03/2011 10:30

MillyR - your last post is spot on IMO.