to be angry 16yr old step --slut-- daughter is pg when i cant?

[monstersplatter]

Pretty sure I am being unreasonable, but desperately need to vent. My dp is 15 years my senior and had two children (teens....ack) from a previous marriage. We have 1 ds who has just turned 2 and are trying for our second. Have been trying for about 6 months so far. I feel like my life is on hold. There is nothing I want more than to be pregnant again.
Oops, sidetracked. Sorry. So a few weeks ago, his 16 yr old daughter announces she is due at the end of effing August. To a boy she had been dating for a month prior to conception.
She is still smoking, planning on getting herself a nice little council house and lots of juicy benefits, just like her mother. She is not sad or ashamed about any of this.
But now any children I have will be younger than their niece/nephew. I am furious. I don't want to be a Jeremy Kyle statistic. I would rather she wasn't either. I don't want her in my house anymore. I know so much of this is jealousy, she is and I seem currently unable. She has that which I so desperately want.
What would you all do? Should I just get over myself? What would you lot all do?

Bless you OP, that was very gracious.

Don't think ZZZen it makes any difference.

She is a child, she's probably scared shitless and one of the adults in her life is calling her a slut.

Oh come on guys, its very easy to judge isnt it?

But I can see that the DSD announcing her pregnancy at a sensitive time for the OP and expecting her fathers family to support her, with I assume old baby equipment and money, after having
cut them off for 2 years would be a bit galling.

And ok, so the OP is jealous, she is a human being and allowed to have unreasonable emotional reactions sometimes! She is venting on here, not at the DSD which is something atleast. The OP clearly has no understanding or experience of teenagers in the way that alot of the us have and doesnt understand how child like and vulnerable they can be.

OP, you are over reacting by saying that you dont want her around and in your house. It is, by virtue of being her fathers home, her home too. And her bad behaviour by cutting you off is the behaviour of a child, which is what she is and as the adult you need to understand that.

She is clearly living in a dream world of free houses and free money without giving a thought the reality of living with a small baby. It is very likely that, if her mother is a hopeless as you say, she will turn to you for help and your relationship may well change from wicked stepmother and feckless step daughter to one of 2 women offering support and friendship. Motherhood makes us grow up very quickly and the girl she is now will bear no resemblance at all to the woman she will be in a year.

I do wonder if this baby is a symptom of her feeling pushed out by your child. She estranged herself when he was born and now is saying "Look Daddy, i can do it too". If you look at it as a desperate girl wanting her fathers love and attention because she has had a difficult life with her mum then does that make you see her and the situation in a different, more compassionate, light?

I think that in your current circumstances, you would have to be a saint not to feel hurt and jealous by her pg. But dont allow it to take over your life and ruin your relationship with your OH as you resent his dd so much.

You sound like a really nice person. NOT.

I feel sorry for your partner's teenage children. Too bad he couldn't have found someone nicer to get with.

You've only been trying for six months and you already have a son, hardly infertile.

yeah it's surprisingly easy to judge someone who calls their stepchild a slut

I'm really glad you seen to be taking on board what everyone is saying.

Put yourself in her shoes - she is probably scared witless, has no money, no place she can call her own, no idea what her future holds.

I was a teen mum (older than your SSD) and I can remember feeling as if I was suspended in mid-air with nothing to grab onto. Truly a terrifying feeling.

There is no need for her to become a statistic. Although I spent around 6 months on benefits living in a council flat, I went on to get a decent job and studied for professional qualifications.

To do the same your SSD will need SUPPORT. What better way to show that you are a good person than to offer her a hand to hold while pregnant and help with the baby while she gets her life on track.

Btw 6 months ttc is nothing - when trying for our second it took nearly 3 years.

Oh for goodness sake, why are people focussing on one word?!

She said slut. OK so it was wrong, but we all say things that we shouldnt when we are emotional and upset. My DH HATES the C word, REALLLY hates it. So when we have a blazing row can you guess what I call him? Just because I know he hates it and I shouldnt but thats human nature.

I am sure that we have all called people things that arent true when we have been angry and upset and aslong as the OP is only posting that here to let her feelings out, and not saying it to the girls face then I dont see that it is a massive problem.

The OP strikes me as a knee jerk reaction to something that she is upset about, and she will calm down hopefully see more clearly soon.

Slagging someone off and not giving real advice on the basis of one word is just as childish and silly!

I dont really judge you for the wording - you're venting and it does sound a horrible situation.

But I always think that if you are not absolutely certain of your ability to deal with step children in a completely respectful, non-resentful manner then you have no business being step parent to anyone.

I couldn't do it, hence I will never get in that situation.

Bogeyface... wanting her father's love/acceptance. Wouldn't she need to talk to him? Not wait until he pulled out of the drive this morning and start banging on my door? Dh only knows she is pg because dsd told my mil. I do not, have never, hated this kid. I used to take her shopping way back when. But she chose to walk away from us. I wanted her involved. I keep all the photos up in the house.
Everyone has some baby gear that wasn't special. I gave that away. Were I to lend her what is left, I would never see it again. I saved it for a reason. Calming down by the second. Should i tell Dh about her lovely visit this morning or not?

because it's one of those one words like 'nigger' I suppose

please try to be kind to her

she is 16 and pregnant.

Not everyone is focusing on that word. I wasn't. I was focusing on what a mean-spirited, bitter, miserable post it is.

And this:
'But now any children I have will be younger than their niece/nephew.'

As if everyone around her's plans have to somehow revolve around the OP.

Who's the adolescent here, because the OP could give any self-absorbed teen out there a run for their money from the sounds of it.

sleep on it

and tell him tomorrow

Nasty, bitter and jealous is what you are. They are the worst emotions too, and having them all combined like this is just dangerous.

You need help. 6 months?? TRY 2 YEARS!!

This post says so much more about you than it does this poor silly girl.

You sound deeply unpleasant

Monstersplatter - well done for taking it on the chin.

But she's 16, she's scared, ok so she came to your door and yelled and carried on a scene - how would you deal with a tantrum in your toddler? Would you push him away?

Because at 16 and pregnant her emotions and hormones are all over the place and really what she's doing isn't that different.

She was 14 or so when you had your DS. She probably felt totally pushed out and replaced by your DS. She wasn't the centre of her Dad's world any more.

Yes tell your husband she came round but remember this is his little girl you're talking about when you tell him.

Oh and she is probably totally terrified of telling her Dad and letting him down.

If you can trust yourself to talk about it calmly and rationally with a focus on her then yes, mention it.

If you're going to be all me-me-me (which I personally think after such a bombshell which is cutting close to the bone - forgive the mixed metaphor - you have a right to be for a while) then leave it until you can.

However be prepared for your DH to want to discuss it and I don't think you're doing yourself any favours if you just don't mention it at all.

It's okay to say "X dropped by, I just wanted you to know but I'm feeling a bit fragile tbh and can we discuss another time?"

16 year old girls are not the most hormonally stable. Pregnant 16 year old girls are something else altogether. I speak as woman who at 25 and pregnant was a wreck. Give her a bit of a break.

I would tell him, yes. If she is asking for things or money from you then he needs to know about it. And I can understand why you dont want to lend the stuff, I wouldnt want to lend them to anyone if I was TTC, DSD or not. What did you say to her? How did she approach you, was she polite and nice or rude and demanding?

OP, my only piece of advice to you is to take down the photos of yourself and your DS from your profile, at the very least. Or better still, delete your whole profile. Can you imagine your step daughter browsing the web, coming to MN for advice about her jealous stepmother as a new mother-to-be and finding your rant about her?

If you're going to rant as you have done, it's best to be absolutely anonymous.

Monstersplatter, however they come into the world, babies are a blessing (not meant religiously)who enhance the lives of their wider family, if you can just let go of any negative emotions and embrace the joy they can bring to your life. This is especially true of grandchildren (step or otherwise)

Sorry to be treacly (I might sound a bit NetMums here) but I'm speaking from experience of my son's experience of teenage fatherhood, and the joy of my grandchildren

OP - I am sure many of us have had occasions when we would like to have been able to vent frustrations over all sorts of things that when said out loud (or typed) would have sounded totally unreasonable.

Perhaps AIBU was not the right place to air these views.

However, I can empathise to a certain extent.

I would suggest taking a deep breath and not say anything derogatory to any of your family or friends about this. It will only get back to your DH in the end and he will naturally be very protective of his DD. Just offer what emotional support you can to DH (and SD if you feel able).

Re baby clothes etc - I know that usually you end up with more than the baby actually needs - why not put together a small bag of things that you feel able to give with good grace, whilst keeping some for your your future child. Or agree to lend some items with the proviso they come back to you when you need them.

Ladies - back off the OP a bit - she has said she realises she is jealous and needs to think about things a bit.

Suggest future posting in step parenting may be a more empathic forum for you.

i am at your reaction.

Does you DH know what you call his daughter?!

WOW