to be angry 16yr old step --slut-- daughter is pg when i cant?

[monstersplatter]

Pretty sure I am being unreasonable, but desperately need to vent. My dp is 15 years my senior and had two children (teens....ack) from a previous marriage. We have 1 ds who has just turned 2 and are trying for our second. Have been trying for about 6 months so far. I feel like my life is on hold. There is nothing I want more than to be pregnant again.
Oops, sidetracked. Sorry. So a few weeks ago, his 16 yr old daughter announces she is due at the end of effing August. To a boy she had been dating for a month prior to conception.
She is still smoking, planning on getting herself a nice little council house and lots of juicy benefits, just like her mother. She is not sad or ashamed about any of this.
But now any children I have will be younger than their niece/nephew. I am furious. I don't want to be a Jeremy Kyle statistic. I would rather she wasn't either. I don't want her in my house anymore. I know so much of this is jealousy, she is and I seem currently unable. She has that which I so desperately want.
What would you all do? Should I just get over myself? What would you lot all do?

Goth, was that not wrt the pregnant girl living in the home and the SM being told by her DH that she would be expected to help care for the SD's baby?

If so that's a different issue altogether and despite it all the OP in question didn't call her SD a slut, insinuate that she was thick or blame her own best friend for her choice of words and attitude towards her SD.

If I am mistaken about the thread you're comparing this one to I apologise.

"So, a frightened, angry, PREGNANT young woman is at your door asking for you help and you tell her no? NO matter what she was asking, you told her NO. How did you expect her to react?"

Gosh, whether its women, pg women, young pg women - you are doing some group out there a huge disservice.

In what world is it normal, to be expected even, that saying no to someone results in being told to fuck yourself?

YABVU and as a stepmother of two teenagers myself, who's behaviour is sometimes less than desirable (being promiscuous, stealing etc) I would never, ever blame them for their behaviour or call them names. I haven't been able to forge much of a relationship with them either due ot distance and their Mum's awkwardness, but they are my DH's children and I love them dearly. I would do anything I could for them. If my DSD became pregnant at a young age, I would happily take her shopping for things, I certainly wouldn't begrudge her my second hand things, planning another baby or not. You speak of your step daughter with such vitriol it really doesn't make you seem like a very nice person at all.

Lets not forget children are usually a product of what their parent's make them and your husband is one half of this poor girl's parents.

I feel sorry for her. Having a baby at any age is hard, having a baby at 16, whethr planned and wanted or not, when you have no money or way of properly supporting yourself and seemingly family that don't care less either is going to be one hundred times harder.

I agree JeremyVile (love the name, especially apt on this thread :o)

The OP had the right to say no to the girl demanding her "DS's old shit", she didnt say no to be a bitch but because she is hoping to need them soon. And with the way she acted to the OP, I am inclined to agree when the OP said that she would be unlikely to ever get the stuff back again. The girl clearly has a huge sense of what is her due, and a bad attitude to go with it!

You are an extremely insensitive person who has clearly let your jealousy take over any sort of mature reaction.

I'm sorry you have only been trying to get pregnant for 6 months, that must be hard It has taken me 9 months myself and a friend of mine 2 years and counting. Yes for some, such as your DSD it just happens.

People who struggle to get pregnant do get jealous of those who just fall pregnant easily. But people who struggle are those who are borderline infertile, have to go through grueling fertility treatments and have been trying for years and years. They are very much aware of how they should treat pregnant women regardless of what they are going through.

YOU have been trying for half a year and seem to think you can jump on the bandwaggon of those who are genuinely struggling. You really need to look at the bigger picture and maybe even read up on other peoples experiences. Some of these people will NEVER have children either and you have had one and will likely fall pregnant again when you stop desperately striving for a baby, stressing yourself out and reflecting your negative feelings on others.

You have no right to have taken it out on your DSD, who wants to be pregnant (no matter the circumstances of conception) and was probably quite hurt by your reaction. No wonder she was angry.

If i really thought you were struggling with conception i would advise you to seek help and support. But its clear you really are just a bit bitter about it all. Maybe you should apologise to her (doesn't matter who was wrong or right, be the mature adult in this) and should talk to and support your DSD, SHARE in her joy at becoming a mum (again REGARDLES of the circumstances of conception) and who knows, maybe when you do conceive you can support each other. Please try and salvage your relationship with her. She will need both you and your OH support as Grandparents.

I hope now that you have calmed down and thought about it you can do what is best for everyone. You are right when you say she IS too young for such a big thing, she is just a girl and it will be hard for her with no partner - all the more reason for her need for your support and advise. Don't "have a go" because she is pregnant and still smokes etc, just point her in the right direction with where to get the help for smoking and midwife support.

I hope this second post hasnt been too harsh and has actually been of some use to you. There is so much joy to be had in this situation and you don't want it to cause a family feud now, do you? Because you will ultimately be branded the bad person if you continue the way you are going. I hope everything works out well for you and your family :)

yabu and bloody nasty

Sounds to me like she's crying out for your attention. She secretly looks up to you but won't admit it. I bet if you were nice to her, even if it's put on, she'd end up being very close to you. Your feelings towards her and your opinion of her, will only have a negative impact. Try to be positive. She doesn't have a good role model in her own mother by the sounds of it? You could really help her.

Where in this thread has the Op said that this girl is "frightened".. she doesnt sound it to me, she sounds like a cocky mouthy little madam to me?

Having said that, that doesnt condone the Ops initial post.

YOU have been trying for half a year and seem to think you can jump on the bandwaggon of those who are genuinely struggling.

Thats a bit harsh. THe OP can only go on her own feelings and experiences and when you are TTC 6 months can feel like a lifetime, especially if she got pg quickly first time out. Just because she hasnt been trying for 10 years doesnt mean she cant feel pangs of jealousy when someone else announces they are pg.

I really hate it when threads descend into "well think yourself lucky......." , it serves no purpose and doesnt alter anything, just makes the OP feel worse than they already do!

Jeremy

in the same world where the 'adult' in all this has called the subject (for want of better words) thick, immoral and cheap.

And I was trying to back the OP when I 1st joined the thread.

YABU

firstly most doctors don't take you seriously unless you've been trying for a year so wind your neck in 6 months is nothing.

Secondly you sound evil she is 16 a child as much as the situation is far from Ideal, you don't want her in your house? out of jealousy?

people like you give stepmothers a bad name, I concerned that her dad stays with someone who is so blatantly evil towards his children.

Bogeyface, I only mentioned that as a "she is genuinely not bright" as opposed to "I'm trying to be a bitch again". That backfired.

She is not the only sc either. The 19yr old has aspergers and is very challenging, demanding, etc. I don't envy her being my dp's daughter. He comes over and bugs us constantly. I wouldn't have it any other way. He follows the house rules and even brings me his laundry. I agreed to both kids when I agreed to him. Tried with both, only one wanted to know long-term.

She has been brought up with no rules, no discipline, no self esteem. She is not a nice person. My dp and I have tried. We offered for her to come and live here so she could escape the over crowding at her mum's. She refused. I had almost forgotten she existed tbh until today. Plan to forget again now and get on with my day. I have far loftier things to entertain myself with, wooden train set building and maybe some work later.

The OP has retracted her statement about the DSD being a 'slut'. She came on here to vent, which is far better than saying what she has said here to the DSD in person. I think that her initial poor choice of words has influenced the responses on here, but I think that if her OP was worded differently then there would have been a resounding cry of 'YANBU!'.

Is there seriously not one single baby item you would be willing to part with? I find that alone a bit odd, why you couldn't say I'll have a look or something similar and diffuse the situation is beyond me. Yes ok, she shouldn't have sworn at you although I'm fairly sure most teenagers are churlish at some point.

The out and out no just seems harsh.

Sorry but I have a certain amount of sympathy for the OP, the SD sounds vile. Of course using the word slut and the Jeremy Kyle ref was well out of order but I can't blame her for feeling resentment at the teenager's sense of entitlement.

Well you got involved with an older man with teenage dcs so you should be the first one to know that relationships and families come in different set ups and there is not one size fits all.

everything OP says about her stepchild heaves with horribleness, this is quite apart from any of the less desirable attitudes or behaviours of her partner's daughter

My third sister has been trying to concieve for 5 years. She was a bit jealous and frustrated when my first sister concieved just under 5 years ago (was planned) and then again, when my second sister concieved 4 years ago (unplanned). Also, we had cousins and friends who were pregnant at this time. Yes, it hurt her. She felt a bit like a failure (completely irrationally though as it was not her fault and she'd not 'failed' at anything), But I never ever heard her say anything mean or spiteful such as this, or speak such negativity into an already tricky situation. YANBU to vent your frustration, but you ABU to be so selfish and spiteful about it all IMO. My 3rd sis is very very close to my neices and nephys and my sisters love to let her have them for wknds, But if she had behaved the way you have she would have ruined any chances of a good relayionship with the whole family. Be very careful. And best of luck with ttc

Wow, I cross-posted with the OP. OP, do you really think of you step-son's visits as 'bugging you constantly'?

ok i will admit that it was a bit harsh on my part. And admittedly i shouldn't assume that just because it is a short while that it would feel like that to the OP. I genuinely hope you do get pregnant again soon.

Although the OP is jealous as she feels she is struggling with fertility it is absolutely no excuse to take it out on someone as young as 16 who has fallen pregnant. I have been in the firing line myself with someone who was/is insanely jealous of my pregnancy and how apparently easy it was for me. Its not a nice position to be in for either of us!

You say yourself the way she was brought up is a factor yet you wish to just dismiss her and forget she exists.

I assume your DH is oh so innocent in the upbringing of his children. You don't do much to help rid the 'nasty' step-mother tag.

Talk about making me roll my eyes! Is no one reading the whole thread?

On this thread there are people calling the OP far worse than what she called the DSD (for the record she has retracted and apologised for saying slut) yet thats ok?!

Why is it ok to call the Op all these horrible names at what she freely admits is an angry kneejerk over reaction? She has calmed down and appreciates that her first post was OTT, continually slagging her off for that is pointless and nasty.

I said in my first post that I thought that the girl should be considered as the child she is but I have revised that view now. Ime there are alot of kids that are very naive and childish at 16 and then there those are at the other end of the spectrum. Old beyond their years, streetwise and frankly fucking hard work. The DSD sounds more like the latter, just because she is 16 doesnt automatically mean that she is a frightened little girl. Anyone who has seen gangs of feral kids scaring the crap out of ordinary people by their vile behaviour knows that!

Hang on, if the OP had 'forgotten she had existed' until today, this was a pretty detailed opening post wasn't it?

Actually pg or not, your dsd sounds like v hard work! Sometimes teenagers are bloody horrible and, shock horror, continue to be so as adults! And given her circs are so wildly different to yours, I think you can safely put the jealousy aside! And you could even give her a bit of compassion, you don't have to like her behaviour, but being penniless, lacking qualifications, a partner, a home wouldn't be what we would choose for ourselves.

And there is a innocent grandchild to look out for here, and that's what you could focus on. And maybe becoming a mum might be the making of her. It can happen.

I can understand that giving away your baby stuff, especially if you've saved hard for it/there are emotions attached, so don't give the baby things to her - practically you will need it anyway for no 2. There are NCT sales & Ebay - I've got lots for dc3 from there.