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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be angry 16yr old step --slut-- daughter is pg when i cant?

339 replies

monstersplatter · 22/03/2011 09:00

Pretty sure I am being unreasonable, but desperately need to vent. My dp is 15 years my senior and had two children (teens....ack) from a previous marriage. We have 1 ds who has just turned 2 and are trying for our second. Have been trying for about 6 months so far. I feel like my life is on hold. There is nothing I want more than to be pregnant again.
Oops, sidetracked. Sorry. So a few weeks ago, his 16 yr old daughter announces she is due at the end of effing August. To a boy she had been dating for a month prior to conception.
She is still smoking, planning on getting herself a nice little council house and lots of juicy benefits, just like her mother. She is not sad or ashamed about any of this.
But now any children I have will be younger than their niece/nephew. I am furious. I don't want to be a Jeremy Kyle statistic. I would rather she wasn't either. I don't want her in my house anymore. I know so much of this is jealousy, she is and I seem currently unable. She has that which I so desperately want.
What would you all do? Should I just get over myself? What would you lot all do?

OP posts:
griphook · 22/03/2011 21:47

I've not read the whole thing, sorry to long. But just wanted to say that I do symphatise with you. We struggled with infertitly and I was green with envy of anyone who said they were preganant, particulary if it came at the drop of hat. Dh didn't really understand this as he already has a DS, step families are so hard to deal with and bring so many additional issues into a relationship that at times you do have a knee jerk reaction. Teenagers are hard work at the best of times. You were wrong to call here a slut but you know that, and some people have been VERY hard on you. Try to concentrate on dealing with the envy, and remember that all familes come in different shapes and forms and if you have another child it doesn't matter that it's DN/N will be older than him. good luck with ttc.

thefirstMrsDeVere · 22/03/2011 21:55

Yeah PFD but this is an internet forum. She started a horrible thread, she got flamed, she hid the thread.

Thats how it works.

She could have gone onto a infertility board if that was the main issue or asked for advice on the teenage board. Both have members who give really fantastic advice on situations other people may not understand.

But she came on AIBU and called a 16 year old a slut because she got pg before she did.

pitchforksdown · 22/03/2011 21:59

But she came on AIBU and called a 16 year old a slut because she got pg before she did.

Yup - as fuckups go, it was pretty spectacular. I'm just letting folks know that if they are posting hoping she'll read their comments, she's not here to do it.

quirrelquarrel · 22/03/2011 21:59

The OP is not a bitch! Gosh how nasty some of you are, in calling her names like this!

She has a bad relationship with an irresponsible step daughter. She's supposed to care for her, make things easy for her etc etc when she doesn't like her. "Slut" is not such a heinous word. Get over yourselves...and get some bliddy manners.

I'm not commenting on the jealousy, but it is a simple and natural emotion. The wording of her post is very forthright, but not downright unpleasant.

googoomama · 22/03/2011 22:03

I didn't call her any nasty names and I certainly know life isn't black and white (being a single mum) but Pitchfork - her SD is family.

frazzle26 · 22/03/2011 22:04

I just wanted to say something in support of the OP. Whilst I don't really agree with her calling her step-daughter a slut I can totally see where her frustrations are coming from. I mean, at the end of the day this 16 year old girl is unlikely to have planned this whereas it's the OPs dream and it's never nice having your dream waved around in your face whether intentionally or not. However, your SD's pregnancy is in no way going to affect your chances of getting pregnant OP so don't take your frustrations out on her because your failure to conceive is not her fault.

I really hope you conceive asap. Good luck xx

StewieGriffinsMom · 22/03/2011 22:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thefirstMrsDeVere · 22/03/2011 22:06

The wording of her post IS downright unpleasant. Forthright is straightforward and down to earth. Calling anyone a slut, let alone a child who is pregnant is downright unpleasant.

I wouldnt call her a bitch. i dont know her personally. She might be a very nice person who has let herself down badly. Hence suggesting she gets this thread removed and starts again.

Her reaction to this situation are not simple and natural. They are mean and selfish.

thefirstMrsDeVere · 22/03/2011 22:08

The OP has no more right to get pg than the 16 SD.
I am giving up now.

I acknowledge I feel particularly sensitive regarding threads like this.

anonymosity · 22/03/2011 22:11

I think the OP is singularly selfish, completely consumed by selfish desires in fact.

cumfy · 22/03/2011 22:17

I will not give her anything [isa] until she deserves it.

I was curious,

1.What is happening with DSS's ISA ?

  1. Does she know about the ISA ?
  1. Do you think she will "cheat" and behave "well" temporarily in order to get the ISA if she knew that was what was required ?
  1. Why did you decide to have this ISA arrangement at all, why at this stage in DP's career is he not the one providing the principal financial assistance to his own children ?
OldLadyKnowsNothing · 22/03/2011 22:20

OP's not likely to answer, cumfy, she hid the thread hours ago.

PrincessScrumpy · 22/03/2011 22:20

I can completely understand OPs feelings but step daughter is probably terrified and needs support right now and not insults. Have a cry in private, pull yourself together and support you dh - who is probably struggling with his dd being pg at such a young age.

Would you want you dh to ever call your dd a slut? I would be devasted if dh did that to a step child (hypothetically as I don't have any - been with dh since 19). You need to be the adult here.

Don't think you deserve the really nastt comments - it seems some mumsnetters only come on here to upset people when they're down and use very rude manners. Ignore them.

quirrelquarrel · 22/03/2011 22:25

I don't know why everyone is still harking on about the "slut" issue when she retracted it, apologised etc a few pages afterwards. She might not mean what she says, but it would be good grace to then let it drop. Seems like people are being slightly precious about what has definitely become, unfortunately, an everyday term.

I am closer to 16 than I am to the OP's age and I can imagine what her step daughter is like. An ungrateful, unwilling, self-obsessed Typical Teenager. Fine. Okay- she will change and grow up, she'll turn into a caring mother and that'll be great. But right now, I mean, gosh, she is a monster (if I've got the right idea) and the kind of reaction provoked in the OP isn't really that unreasonable. Swearing in front of a baby? Swearing at someone who's gritting her teeth and being pleasant to you? Not exercising a little self control and a little determination in the first place? Yeah, she really deserves a lot.

But seriously...she's a mother and expected to have caring, maternal feelings towards a girl she doesn't like and doesn't see that often- how terrible, if she doesn't, or maybe, how natural.

cumfy · 22/03/2011 22:37

OLKN

But she appears to have adopted the Pitchforks soubriquet.

Pitchforks has a crystal ball though.Wink

Mishy1234 · 22/03/2011 22:52

I doubt I can say anything which hasn't already been said, but I can give you my perspective as someone who battled infertility for 8 very long years.

I don't think for a minute you really believe your SD is as slut. I believe you are consumed with your desire for another child and you are allowing yourself to become bitter.

Please don't follow this path. If there's one thing I hated more than facing my infertility, it was what it made me become. Don't allow it to happen to you OP. It will destroy you and the family you already have.

6 months isn't a long time to ttc, however it IS hard when you are desperate to conceive and it's not happening. I hope it happens soon for you OP, but in the meantime please listen to the others on this thread and support your SD and your husband.

pitchforksdown · 22/03/2011 23:34

cumfy as I said before I'm not the OP.

I don't have a crystal ball, I did something crazier and spookier called "talking to someone in RL". Mad I know. Feel free to report me and check it out if you really want to.

Original poster
monstersplatter · 22/03/2011 23:51

Pitchforks, you are so kind, but I don't think this mob can be placated now until my head is on a stick. I am deeply ashamed of my op. It was posted in anger. Yes, there is a certain amount of jealousy there. I do not deserve the names I have been called. I am not that person. I vented on here, not to anyone in my actual life. Creating this thread was very cathartic. Some of the posts on here even inspired me to make yet another attempt at reaching out to her. She has, to my surprise, accepted. We will see how things pan out. I do want the relationship I once had with her back. I have asked for this post to be deleted because very few people can honestly be proud of themselves here. We all need to move on. After all, what's done is done.

OP posts:
OldLadyKnowsNothing · 22/03/2011 23:53

Well, before it goes; best of luck. :)

LDNmummy · 22/03/2011 23:55

"maybe should have mentioned that she is estranged initially."

Then wouldn't this be the perfect opportunity to show her love and support and rebuild bridges so she will become a constant in your lives?

anonymosity · 22/03/2011 23:57

Brave of you to return and explain MP. Good for you, for sorting it out. I hope everything pans out as you'd have hoped.

DioneTheDiabolist · 23/03/2011 00:06

Monster, you posted this with pure feeling. I congratulate and commend you on bringing up something that is real, but others feel is too shameful to admit.

When my SD had her 2nd child the same day as I gave birth to my first, I felt exactly like you. Time and reason give way to a more balanced POF, but that does not help you at the time.

I am sad that so many saw you as worthy of a lynching. You are not inexcusable. You are human and it is a sad day when you cannot express your feelings as a mother and stepmother on a parenting website without people making you out as Cinderella's stepmother.

I would love for you to keep this post up, as it will benefit many, but I understand that in the face of such disapproval (at best) and venom (at worst) it may be best for you to have it deleted.

DioneTheDiabolist · 23/03/2011 00:08

That should be POV instead of POF.

LDNmummy · 23/03/2011 00:13

"Cook... she didn't use protection because she is a frikking idiot! I have seen her exam scores, not being cruel."

Wow! If you were like this towards her before, no wonder she is estranged. What happened and she became estranged? I somehow doubt it was solely due to your DS pushing her out. Having another DC doesn't make another sibling feel that pushed out unless there are other issues already going on.

fiveisanawfullybignumber · 23/03/2011 08:40

Monkey, well done for reaching out to her at this time. I understand it's hard for you. Have a very un MN type hug. I was one earlier who thought you to be lacking in empathy.
My DSM and I had a poor relationship during my teen years, I was spoilt, but she was resentful too. We were estranged untill she finaly became pregnant and my DF and DSM took a dim view when I became pregnant at 19. She is now one of my closest friends, in fact it was she who came to visit me in hospital lasyt year, not my DF after having DD3 and suffering eclamptic seizures. Her son and mine, only 3 yrs apart are very close.
I hope your story might end like mine, I love my DSM and couldn't be without her.