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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be angry 16yr old step --slut-- daughter is pg when i cant?

339 replies

monstersplatter · 22/03/2011 09:00

Pretty sure I am being unreasonable, but desperately need to vent. My dp is 15 years my senior and had two children (teens....ack) from a previous marriage. We have 1 ds who has just turned 2 and are trying for our second. Have been trying for about 6 months so far. I feel like my life is on hold. There is nothing I want more than to be pregnant again.
Oops, sidetracked. Sorry. So a few weeks ago, his 16 yr old daughter announces she is due at the end of effing August. To a boy she had been dating for a month prior to conception.
She is still smoking, planning on getting herself a nice little council house and lots of juicy benefits, just like her mother. She is not sad or ashamed about any of this.
But now any children I have will be younger than their niece/nephew. I am furious. I don't want to be a Jeremy Kyle statistic. I would rather she wasn't either. I don't want her in my house anymore. I know so much of this is jealousy, she is and I seem currently unable. She has that which I so desperately want.
What would you all do? Should I just get over myself? What would you lot all do?

OP posts:

LeroyJethroGibbs · 22/03/2011 09:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Mumofaflump · 22/03/2011 09:20

Hello,

Are you my step-mum? You sound like her...

No, wait, you can't be as I'm 27.

A word of warning, my step-mother has irreparably damaged the relationship between me and my father by behaving exactly like you are.

I now speak to my father at Xmas and birthdays only. None of them hve a meaningful relationship with my DS, thier ONLY grandchild because of the selfish and nasty way my step-mother behaved while she was having trouble falling pregnant.

CrapBag · 22/03/2011 09:20

You have been trying for 6 months! Big deal. The average time is 8 months to a year anyway.

GlynisIsFixed · 22/03/2011 09:21

some teenage 'sluts' have their own children by way of proving to the world they are capable human beings and not just a by-product of poor parenting. Step or otherwise. I know, reader, I have been that 'slut'

I understand your envy at your SDs pregnancy, OP, and the flaming you are getting is in response to the language you have used, not the general situation I feel.

Let's be really grown up here, it's not ideal that young women have children in less than supportive situations, but this is where YOU come in OP.
If your SD does not have support, this is where YOU become partly responsible for any failings she might encounter.

CrapBag · 22/03/2011 09:22

vj32 she could get a council place. My cousins (ex) GF did and she was 16 after falling pregnant at 15.

I'm not getting into the teenage pregnancy thing though. Sore subject.

scottishmummy · 22/03/2011 09:23

there are specialist mw and services for young mums get her referred to them. she needs support and reassurance not berated as a slut

maybe she sought some love and comfort that was lacking at home from her step mum.maybe she mistook sex and intimacy for love and acceptance.

but lets face it - she cant miss the signals that you dont like her and hold her in low regard.maybe subconsciously shes trying to get away from you anyway

StewieGriffinsMom · 22/03/2011 09:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GeekCool · 22/03/2011 09:24

Isn't that what children do though? Kids don't really appreciate their parents until they are older or are parents themselves.

LiquidPeppermint · 22/03/2011 09:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

olderyetwider · 22/03/2011 09:25

Will you be Granny or Nanna?

colditz · 22/03/2011 09:25

Well she isn't a pregnant stranger, she's your husband's daughter and he loves her just as much as you love YOUR child.

Say no to the baby things left from your son, and use the reasonable excude that you are trying for another one. But stop being such a spoilt brat, you're a grown woman. You mention that your DP is 15 years your senior - he's not your dad and you aren't in direct competition for his affections with his daughter, or you damned well shouldn't be. he was her father before he was your husband, and he probably loves her more than he loves you. That is the natural way of the world, get over it.

Rannaldini · 22/03/2011 09:26

how is she claiming your ds's possessions?

ScarlettWalking · 22/03/2011 09:26

That op is truly disgraceful. You sound absolutely dreadful. I wish your sd all the luck in the world and a happy healthy child. You should try and find your heart and do the same, things may change for you with a different attitude.

blinder · 22/03/2011 09:26

And your explanation is that you resent her trying to rebuild a relationship with her father. And blame her at 14 for being estranged from her father. And think that she just wants his possessions.

Hang on, I've got a spare mother-of-the-year award somewhere round here you can have...

Do you know how painful it is to become estranged from your father? Nasty nasty piece of work you are OP sorry.

SnapFrakkleAndPop · 22/03/2011 09:27

I agree with SM. There are 3 things you need to deal with here, all of which are very difficult, and unfortunately are intersecting.

1 is your own fertility situation. It must be incredibly frustrating but 6 months really is not that long in the grand scheme of things (unless you're 40+). It seems to be taking a very central place in your life at the moment and understandably you're envious of other women when they manage to get pregnant and you feel like you can't.

2 is the fact that your step-daughter is pregnant, which is going to put a strain on your family, your DH is going to have to deal with becoming a grandfather whilst actively trying to become a father again. There's also the fact that she's 16 and living under your roof, so maybe you're holding yourself a little bit responsible for this because you feel like it's reflecting on your parenting?

3 is her risky behaviour and her attitude towards this pregnancy, complicated by 1 because you feel she doesn't deserve it and you do.

As for what to do you need to think very hard about all these 3 things and how you're going to tackle them. 1 is your issue and no-one else's. 2 you need to support your DH and his daughter and work out what the best way of tackling the whole situation is as a co-parent. It's okay to express disappointment etc but make sure that's related to the impact on her and her life and NOT the ease with which she's got pregnant. She may be putting on a brave face by saying she's going to get herself a council house and live off benefits. 3 for the sake of her baby you need to support her in having as healthy a pregnancy as possible so remove yourself from the equation and support her as much as you can in doing that.

Finally you seem to have a very negative attitude towards your DP's ex. I think perhaps that's something which needs addressing as well, either by you alone or in conjunction with your DH if there's a reason behind that.

It's okay to be upset and disappointed. It must be a million times more difficult that it's your step-daughter, living in the same house and it's accidental but for everyone's sake you need to separate out your own feelings from this at least outwardly.

GlynisIsFixed · 22/03/2011 09:28

Is she 'claiming possessions' as in wanting to use his outgrown baby equipment?

You're not doing yourself any favours here, OP

TandB · 22/03/2011 09:28

This is not about you. This is about a child in a scary place. Even if she isn't grateful for what you do for her, even if you think she is taking advantage, you are the adult in this situation and you need to either get on board with the support that your DP will no doubt give to her, or you need to stay silent on the matter - if you can't make the right, supportive noises, then don't comment at all.

The slut comment in the OP was so far out of line it is unbelievable.

It is a shame that you are feeling down about not conceiving within 6 months but that really isn't her fault, and it isn't that long at all. I also have one child and have been trying for about 5 months for a second. It has not even occurred to me to think this is a long time, or that I have fertility issues.

cory · 22/03/2011 09:28

"Were she a constant in our lives (as we wanted her to be... want her to be) yeah, I deserve my head looking at but she isn't. to me, it feels almost like a pregnant stranger has come in off the street expecting my ds's possessions"

Haven't you missed something? She is the child, your dh is the adult. It is not up to her to ensure they have a good relationship, it is up to him to be there for her regardless of how much attention she has paid him in the past.

One day your own child will be a teenager, and you will feel like a mum quite regardless of how he behaves. If your dh did not react like a proper parent, how could you feel safe trying to conceive by him? One day that could be you.

And whatever the past may have been like, if he is a decent bloke he will feel uncomfortable about sharing his life with a woman who calls other women sluts- I would be very careful what idea you give him of your own maturity.

ZZZenAgain · 22/03/2011 09:29

she wants your ds' clothing/baby things, is that right? Well if you don't want to lend them to her, simply say you are expecting to have another baby soon so you need them for the new baby.

OK you are emotionally very involved at the moment obviously. I would say try to separate two things in your mind:

you are unhappy because you want to have another baby and it hasn't worked out yet. You have a lovely healthy child so it is very likely you will have another. I hope it works out the way you want.
a teenage girl you dislike is pregnant. She is also dh's dd and wants something from you that you do not want to give.

These things are happening at the same time but they are not really related other than in your mind I think. Is it possible when you think she badly about her that it is projecting some of what you feel about her mum (perhaps deservedly?) onto her?

If you were pregnant now too, would it all feel very very different?

I would try and step back. If you don't want her to have the baby things, then don't give them. If you cannot for the moment cope with her, step back a bit but of course you have to be careful in what you say right now that your emotionality doesn't wreck relationships which you have to put up with IYSWIM

tbh I think it doesn't matter in the least if your own dc are younger than nieces/nephews. Really it doesn't matter at all in any way I can think of.

Bucharest · 22/03/2011 09:29

I almost hope your husband reads this and puts his daughter's wellbeing before yours.
Then you'll have a job getting pregnant you nasty piece of work won't you?

Do you hate all the women on here who are pregnant as well? Or is it just reserved for this child?

Original poster

monstersplatter · 22/03/2011 09:29

A few additions, she has never lived with us.
This is me venting.
My dh doesn't know she has been round demanding things.
He does know she is pg though.

Am truly glad I put this up. Had not seen I was jealous. Christ. Ok. Grip gained.

OP posts:

itisnotgoingwelltoday · 22/03/2011 09:30

OMG is that what you meant by wanting my DS's possessions?

Those "possessions" are also your husband's DS's possessions and if he wants to share them/lend them to his DAUGHTER then he has every right to.

SnapFrakkleAndPop · 22/03/2011 09:30

Ah okay, she's not living under your roof, she's estranged.

GeekCool · 22/03/2011 09:30

Is 'claiming possessions' a euphemism for asking for help/support with money and actual things?

Why not be the adult you are meant to be? Give her a few baby things, show a bit of willing.

ZZZenAgain · 22/03/2011 09:31

is the 16 year old living with OP though? I thought not

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