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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be angry 16yr old step --slut-- daughter is pg when i cant?

339 replies

monstersplatter · 22/03/2011 09:00

Pretty sure I am being unreasonable, but desperately need to vent. My dp is 15 years my senior and had two children (teens....ack) from a previous marriage. We have 1 ds who has just turned 2 and are trying for our second. Have been trying for about 6 months so far. I feel like my life is on hold. There is nothing I want more than to be pregnant again.
Oops, sidetracked. Sorry. So a few weeks ago, his 16 yr old daughter announces she is due at the end of effing August. To a boy she had been dating for a month prior to conception.
She is still smoking, planning on getting herself a nice little council house and lots of juicy benefits, just like her mother. She is not sad or ashamed about any of this.
But now any children I have will be younger than their niece/nephew. I am furious. I don't want to be a Jeremy Kyle statistic. I would rather she wasn't either. I don't want her in my house anymore. I know so much of this is jealousy, she is and I seem currently unable. She has that which I so desperately want.
What would you all do? Should I just get over myself? What would you lot all do?

OP posts:
slightlymad72 · 22/03/2011 09:07

Jeremy Kyle would love you!!!

Udderly · 22/03/2011 09:08

Really, 6 months is nothing and you already have a child. Spare a thought for those who have been trying for 10 years, m/c's, failed IVF's etc. YABU

Mahraih · 22/03/2011 09:08

I rarely make this sort of comment on MN, but you sound like a very bitter, angry woman, and you're being absolutely horrid about a 16-year-old child. You really need to take a long look at yourself and your attitude.

Your feelings towards your DSS are not valid. It sounds like she's beeen/is being irresponsible, but you're stringing her up, and it isn't fair. YABVU.

As for you trying to have a baby: take heart, it's only been 6 months, that's not too long at all.

colditz · 22/03/2011 09:08

What would I do?

I would keep my mouth shut until I had the presence of mind NOT to say anything of the sort of crap in your OP.

It's not your pregnancy. NOT yours. It was not going to BE yours, and she hasn't stolen it from you. YOU might get a pregnancy of your own (I hope you do) but she hasn't got it. She's got her own.

VivaLeBeaver · 22/03/2011 09:09

I'm not suprised she wants a council house and wants to move out.

I work with pregnant teenagers and can tell you the majority of pregnancies are planned to an extent, even if its just not taking contraceptive and seeing what happens. The majority of teenagers who do this are ones who feel very unloved by the adults in their lives and are looking to have a baby that will provide the unconditional love thats been lacking in their lives. Ring any bells?

DirtyMartini · 22/03/2011 09:09

Are you deliberately trying to offend? Because

(a) it is offensive to call any girl or woman a slut

(b) it is offensive to suggest that a young pregnant girl should be ashamed

In short: you're offensive.

ZZMum · 22/03/2011 09:09

I think you need to get a grip here - you have only been trying for 6 months and the hate you seem to have for the girl seems out of proportion - sounds more like you are more concerned about the appearance of your family (birth order of nephews!?) than anything else - when I was desparate to get pregnant I would not have given a monkeys if I was a JK stat or not...

How can a 16 year old "that which I so desperately want" - she is in a fragile relationship with no solid future ahead of her - you sound like you are settled with a child and working to getting your next child - grow up for god sake and stop expecting it all on a plate and how about some empathy for the 16 year old - can not be great for her to have her step mother refering to her as a "slut" - you are beyond lacking in compassion and so self obsessed

olderyetwider · 22/03/2011 09:09

Maybe seperate your own feelings about TTC from how you feel about something which has come as a bit of a shock. Give yourself time to process it in your own mind, then talk to DH about how much support you can give her, and what sort of grandparents you are going to be.

Your OP sounds full of anger and disgust, and frankly pure snobbery. We can all be not very nice when we're upset so I'm guessing that this is just getting it off your chest, but if it's really how you feel then I think you're being very unreasonable.

Take some time, talk to DH (calmly and without being nasty about her)

One final bit of advice, don't call his daughter a slut!

Skinit · 22/03/2011 09:10

You've only been trying 6 months. If you go about with this level of anger and hatred in your heart, you will detract from your own self....you need to be kind to the girl. Rise above your own selfishnss and give her help...no matter what your thoughts.

A real lady would be considering the child that is your DSD and her needs....not her own jealousy.

Alouiseg · 22/03/2011 09:11

Bad step parenting can have nasty repercussions on the whole family.

erebus · 22/03/2011 09:12

I'd be deeply disappointed in my SDD if she got pg, tbh.

Yes, she is a child but she has made an adult decision.

DuelingFanjo · 22/03/2011 09:13

meh!

as someone who tried for almost 3 years and still managed not to think like you have a Biscuit from me!

nethunsreject · 22/03/2011 09:13

Slut?! Really?

I am really quite Shock

blinder · 22/03/2011 09:13

I had a step mum who was jealous of me. It was a blight on my life as a teen. You are the adult - try to develop some compassion for a child. She will be able to feel your disapproval and disgust even if you try to hide it. How cruel.

colditz · 22/03/2011 09:13

There's a big difference between disappointment and irrational jealousy

Voddy · 22/03/2011 09:14

Is this even real??

Laquitar · 22/03/2011 09:15

I thought this was a troll but you have profile and pictures.

You sound like 13 years old jelous and vile teenager.

Grin @ 'i dont want to be a Jeremy Kyle statistic'. Er, you sound like one.

Btw 6 months trying is not that long.

Voddy · 22/03/2011 09:15

Holy shit, just looked at your profile and it seems that this is real [shocked]

scottishmummy · 22/03/2011 09:15

you need to seperate two different issues

  1. her teen pg
2.your unreasonable emotive response

despite all her all her alleged bluster and front,she is adolescent.who doesnt need a jealous and resentful step mum

if you can support her,if you cant quietly and respectfully take a back seat.now isnt your time,is her time of need

whats all this you dont want her in your house?presumably you have been involved in her upbringing and she lives with you and her dad?you cant sling her out because she is pg

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 22/03/2011 09:16

Oh, I can understand disappointment. I can imagine hearing that my 16 year old was going to be a parent and feeling a sinking in the pit of my stomach, absolutely. I can't imagine pointing and shrieking 'SLUT!' though. That seems bloody bonkers, IMO.

DaisyDaresYOU · 22/03/2011 09:16

If any one called my child a slut they would be out the door.You sound jelous and nasty. its not your house unless your dp don't live with you [hmmm] I feel sorry for the poor girl

LiquidPeppermint · 22/03/2011 09:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pagwatch · 22/03/2011 09:18

Starting to see others peoples happiness as detracting from yours is the fastest route in the world to misery and bitterness.

Her happiness, her child is not anything to do with your problems. And actually, were you to try, her baby could be a source of some happiness to you and your dh.
How will he feel knowing that your preoccupation with what you want makes you wish his grandchild as far away from you as possible.

Think about it. Nothing you are feeling reflects terribly well on your maternal instincts or your affection for your dh.

Original poster
monstersplatter · 22/03/2011 09:20

Ok, am very much deserving this. I appreciate this. but, someone called me a key adult in her life. she has actively ignored us since my ds was born. now surfacing to claim his possessions as her own. Were she a constant in our lives (as we wanted her to be... want her to be) yeah, I deserve my head looking at but she isn't. to me, it feels almost like a pregnant stranger has come in off the street expecting my ds's possessions, my money and who cares about anything else. maybe should have mentioned that she is estranged initially.

OP posts:
vj32 · 22/03/2011 09:20

You need to think about how you are going to support your step daughter.

She won't get a council house. At 16 the best she can get is supported housing - which in most areas means a bedsit in the crappiest area of town with the highest crime rates.

Presuming she is still at school she will be treated horribly by the rest of the kids - even if they mean it in a nice way - she will be stared at everywhere she goes.

As you know being pregnant the first time is scary, much more so if you don't have a supportive partner or other people around you.