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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be angry 16yr old step --slut-- daughter is pg when i cant?

339 replies

monstersplatter · 22/03/2011 09:00

Pretty sure I am being unreasonable, but desperately need to vent. My dp is 15 years my senior and had two children (teens....ack) from a previous marriage. We have 1 ds who has just turned 2 and are trying for our second. Have been trying for about 6 months so far. I feel like my life is on hold. There is nothing I want more than to be pregnant again.
Oops, sidetracked. Sorry. So a few weeks ago, his 16 yr old daughter announces she is due at the end of effing August. To a boy she had been dating for a month prior to conception.
She is still smoking, planning on getting herself a nice little council house and lots of juicy benefits, just like her mother. She is not sad or ashamed about any of this.
But now any children I have will be younger than their niece/nephew. I am furious. I don't want to be a Jeremy Kyle statistic. I would rather she wasn't either. I don't want her in my house anymore. I know so much of this is jealousy, she is and I seem currently unable. She has that which I so desperately want.
What would you all do? Should I just get over myself? What would you lot all do?

OP posts:
MillyR · 22/03/2011 12:10

Given that the OP isn't married to her DP and she got into a relationship with him in her early twenties, she has no legal right to his assets. If their relationship broke down (as his previous one did) and she is not in paid employment, her situation in life would be fairly similar to that of her step daughter.

I see no reason to condemn the choices of either of them.

MillyR · 22/03/2011 12:12

TW, I was thinking more of the posts of Piglet and NJTG, and others earlier, whose issue seems to be that a teenager should have the temerity to get pregnant.

StewieGriffinsMom · 22/03/2011 12:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Clytaemnestra · 22/03/2011 12:15

"Basically people who are sympathetic to the OP are doing so because they have an issue with young mothers and think it isn't right. Some people have an issue with young mothers, some have an issue with old mothers, some people have an issue with women in their twenties who get into relationships with men 15 years older than them who have teenage children already."

Oh bollocks to that. It's got nothing to do with young mothers. If anything, I'm giving the step daughter the respect of seeing her as a grown-up who's made her own decisions and not a poor darling frightened little mouse. And I have a step mum (who was the OW my Dad ran off with) so I'm not unable to see the point of view of not getting along with a step mum, I think anyone turning up being that entitled and rude is unpleasant, I don't care what type of mum they are, young or otherwise.

If you want to be rude to the OP, then just do it, don't dress it up with "some people have..." but haha lets pick apart OPs life too. That's just snide.

mamasmissionimpossible · 22/03/2011 12:16

Words fail me, have my first Biscuit

Newjobthankgod · 22/03/2011 12:18

Milly she would not be in the same situation as her DSD if she found herself dumped by her partner. The OP is a grown woman who probably doesn't expect handouts. The DSD (all proud of the council house and stuff)doesn't sound like the type of person who fully expects state support. Lots of single parents make it on their own without help from the government, My own stepmother did it. She worked two jobs and paid for both of her daughters to get through law school with no help. Then she met my dad. Things were hard for her as she got no child support from her ex but she would be horrified at the idea of turning to the government for help.

The OP's stepwhore sounds like a person who fully expects to receive hand outs for getting pregnant. Hopefully she will grow up and take responsibility and be a decent person and mother someday. But its not sounding good.

Newjobthankgod · 22/03/2011 12:19

oops typo...should have said DOES sound like...

Ormirian · 22/03/2011 12:22

"Let them earn their own baby things like decent people do."

'decent' ? Shock

I can't beleive some of the nastiness and intolerance shown on this thread.

Ormirian · 22/03/2011 12:23

"stepwhore"

Shock

You are joking of course?

LoopyLoopsChupaChups · 22/03/2011 12:24

"I can always adopt"

I wouldn't bank on it until you have resolved your resentment towards the other children in your life. I don't see why an adoption panel would approve someone who casually insults and is so horribly vitriolic towards a child in her own family.

I think you need some time and some counselling, possibly also some family counselling. You are missing the point of this whole thing.

Your teenage stepdaughter is pregnant. She needs support, if not from you, then at least from her father. If you are anywhere near a caring and decent person, you will change your tune quickly and offer her the help she needs. She is a child For crying out loud.

MillyR · 22/03/2011 12:24

How would she not be in the same position as her SD? Her job is bringing up her children, and she is not married.

I don't feel I am picking apart the OP's life. I think having children young is a sensible choice for both her and her SD to make. I think it is perfectly acceptable that she is staying at home to raise her children and I think it will be perfectly acceptable for her SD to do likewise if that is the choice she makes.

StewieGriffinsMom · 22/03/2011 12:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ongakgak · 22/03/2011 12:25

newjob jesus, are you for real?

LiquidPeppermint · 22/03/2011 12:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PepsiPopcorn · 22/03/2011 12:34

YABU
Biscuit

Ladybuglet · 22/03/2011 12:39

I rarely post but can't remember the last time I saw anything as nasty as your first post OP.

Families come in all shapes & sizes. Your reference to 'jeremy Kyle families' is hugely offensive. So what if your potential child is going to be younger than his nephew/niece. Why on earth does it matter?

What matters is that this baby is loved & your husband (& ideally you) do everything you can to support them & I don't mean material belongings.

I for one will be hoping you don't manage to concieve, I'm not convinced anyone as bitter as you are at the moment could make a good mother.

thumbwitch · 22/03/2011 12:42

well nastiness certainly isn't confined to the OP on this thread is it!!
Am Shock at the vileness of anyone hoping the OP fails to conceive - let's hope karma doesn't come back and bite you in the bum, hey, ladybuglet! Angry

SnapFrakkleAndPop · 22/03/2011 12:46

I read the 'I can always adopt' as a dig at all the people who say oh-so-sympathetically 'never mind, you can always adpot' to women struggling with infertility problems. I have a (much older) friend who has been TTC her second for 10+ years, has been through cycles of IVF, then was diagnosed with ovarian cancer, has had a myriad of other problems and the best that people come out with is 'be thankful you've got one' or 'you could always adopt'. It makes her very angry, I imagine that attitude makes the OP angry as well and she's saying things out of bitterness.

I'm not that suprised the OP is shocked and hurt by her step-daughter's behaviour. The sense of entitlement is mind-boggling in any case. You don't rock up and say 'gimme all the baby shit you've got', nor do you tell that person to fuck off when they reasonably refuse. You don't expect presents for having a baby. I was incredibly grateful when my father offered to give us a contribution towards our pram and try to tell my mother not to be silly when she insists she's getting up the high chair when it's needed. She's got one picked out akready. She loves shopping at 58 and why shouldn't she? Why is 'I love shopping' immature? Going by that almost everyone due in April on MN is immature as we've spent far too much time discussing what we're buying!

MrsPresley · 22/03/2011 12:46

The OP's stepwhore sounds like a person who fully expects to receive hand outs for getting pregnant. Hopefully she will grow up and take responsibility and be a decent person and mother someday. But its not sounding good.

If someone called my daughter that or a slut I would smash their fucking face in!

One of my daughters was a young mum (15)and I now have 2 grandchildren older than my youngest daughter (I have another older daughter as well) and I am very proud of that daughter now (can honestly say I wasnt at the time though), she has a great job, lovely house and a fab car Envy

Most of all she has a smashing wee boy who I adore!

PepsiPopcorn · 22/03/2011 12:52

Same here, SnapFrakkleAndPop.

I read the 'I can always adopt' as a dig at all the people who say oh-so-sympathetically 'never mind, you can always adpot' to women struggling with infertility problems.

monkeyjamtart · 22/03/2011 12:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pigletmania · 22/03/2011 12:59

Eh MillyR I said no such thing! I said that the op was BU but sympathised with her situation trying to have a second baby as we are finding it difficult too, not her behaviour towards her DSD.

Original poster
monstersplatter · 22/03/2011 12:59

Ladybuglet... didn't bother to read any of this, did ya? About 200 flipping posts and you don't think things had moved on? The girl showed up on my doorstep about 30 mins before I posted this. I was seething. I have since calmed down, apologised to all who took offense.

The kid only wants money/materials from me. None of that emotional support. I cannot give her that which she does not want and I will not give her that which she does not deserve (but does want, annoyingly).

Miller - they are some grandiose assumptions you have made. I have more than enough in the way of savings. House, dogs and both cars are mine, I am the md of the company my dp works for. So who exactly will be in financial difficulty?

I will reiterate what I said earlier, she does not deserve anything after her actions this morning. She needs to apologise for poor behaviour first. As I did. On here, the only place I have expressed these feelings ever. I have created an isa for her, did a long time ago. I will sign it over to her the second I think she will use it wisely. That is something her father and I agreed on a long time ago. Same rules for dss and ds.

Have since told dp EVERYTHING, today's visit, this post (read my op word for word) he laughed and cautioned me to watch my tongue in future. He knows my tendency to vent loudly and say things I don't necessarily mean. He, thankfully, saw this for what it was. A rant.

OP posts:
pigletmania · 22/03/2011 13:06

And comparing my post to newjob wth!!!

mmsmum · 22/03/2011 13:09

Your HP knows you called his DD a slut and he laughed? Shock

I really don't think wishing ill on the op is called for at all, it makes you just bad if you do

Maybe a family meal for everyone to get together is a good idea if you can manage to be nice to her. Forget what's happened and be happy for her, if you genuinely can be. But then I don't think you can and should just stay away from her