3 weeks in bed with morning sickness - fair enough or milking it?

[redstripeyelephant]

My friend is 10 weeks pregnant and having morning sickness, as you do! It sounds pretty normal - feels nauseous most of the day, throws up every now and then (not every day). She has been either off work sick or working from home for the last 3 weeks. I'm a SAHM and have tried popping round or inviting her over or to the park with me and DD (we live 5 mins away) but it's no good, she wants to stay in bed. Fair enough, I thought.

DH went to the pub with her DH last night and came back saying her DH is 'sick of it', thinks she is 'milking it' and wants me to talk to her and convince her she is 'not ill, just pregnant'!

He says she literally does not get out of bed, just lies there watching tv and waiting for him to bring her food. They recently bought a new house that needs lots of work and he is doing everything on his own. My DH went round there the other day to help with some DIY and said she just shouted hello from the bedroom. When he made some sarky comment about getting out of bed she said 'I am actually on medication you know' (antibiotics for a uti).

My feeling is I'm keeping well out of it! Plus, I do sympathise with her, it does feel shit. But most people do get on with it and don't stay in bed all day, but then different people cope with things differently, right? I threw up pretty much every day with DD2, and had to go to work and look after a toddler. But then I guess you have a better threshold for getting on with things when you're already a mum.

I thought I'd throw it open to the MN jury - is it normal to be so absolutely flattened by morning sickness that you literally can't get out of bed? (We're not talking hyperemesis by the way - she can keep food down, and has been to the doctor several times who says it'a just morning sickness).

?

I was so unwell with this pregnancy for the first four months that I would gladly have stayed in bed! Eventually I moved in with my parents and parked myself on their sofa for a few weeks while they ran round after my 2 year old - I couldn't do much at all. I did have hyperemesis, meds brought the vomiting under control - down to once a day or so, but the nausea was still unbearable and I couldn't eat properly so felt washed out. All of my effort was going into keeping fluids down, and the minute I got up I felt in danger of being sick. I wasn't like this first time round - was sick but able (just) to get on with things, go to work etc. I think if I'd only had my first pregnancy I wouldn't have had a huge amount of time for anyone staying in bed with morning sickness, but I now realise how truly awful it can be. I would try not to judge how anyone else is feeling, you can never really tell. I suspect that if you weren't really sick, staying in bed would get boring and be hard to keep up?

YABU. You don't know how she feels. I had very bad sickness with dd. For the first 4 months my hours at work were very much reduced (with approval and much kindness from my boss, I was very lucky in that). I was often late in or leaving early, sometimes didn't make it in at all. When I was at home it was as much as I could do to crawl up the stairs to bed. DH did get pissed off but seriously, it was all I could do.

And I agree with MrsTittleMouse. If I had been actually vomiting it might have been easier. Instead, it felt like the worst seasickness I have ever had, constantly for four months. It's not fun.

To call someone princessy for it is bloody mean minded.

Coping levels . I can cope very well with pain but I spent much longer than three weeks out of action in both my pregnancies. I was throwing up for four months both times. In my second pregnancy I had to go stay with my parents for a month because, as much as I would have liked, I simply was not capable of looking after ds properly. All I wanted to do was sit very, very still because otherwise I started vomiting. I was the thunder I had ever been after the first trimester both times. If that is not being I'll, I don't know what is.

Lostinwales - that's quite a sad post.

I spent the whole of my pregnancy not far from my bed with hyperemesis. Was on medication for the sickness which helped a little bit but just made me sleep all the time. Anyway it cut my vomiting from about 40x a day to about 20x a day.

I was off work for the whole of my pregnancy. Tried to go back when I was about 5months preganant as I was so fed up. Lasted about 40mins before I was taken to hospital unconcious in an ambulance afetr passing out while throwing up and hitting my head on the loo seat.

Some people maybe do milk it but others are genuinely ill and unable to work and struggle to function. Though if she's keeping food down and only being sick every now and then it doesn't sound too bad. She could still feel like total shit though. I'd keep out of it.

I think the worst thing was the lack of warning with the vomiting. Unlike normal sickness I didn't usually have time to get to the loo. I used to run out the back door and throw up in the garden a lot!

But a UTI is a pregnancy complication... you are much more likely to get one, and it is likely to be more serious, while you are pregnant.

Like I say, I was in hospital (maternity ward) with one.

Why do you think they test your wee every five minutes?

YABU. I reached nearly 30 without a day off school/uni/work until I got pregnant! I was off work from 4 weeks - 28 weeks. Then my waters broke at 30 weeks (prob caused by a UTI by the way!) My boss wasn't best pleased!!

Really Fernie3? I think I'm trying to convey a different opinion, I was brought up in quite a Victorian fashion and sent to boarding school young to teach me to be 'independant'. There was definitely a strong stiff upper lip undercurrent, people who took time off work for too long if they were ill were looked on as 'weak'. I know this colours my judgement but I would be unlikely to take time off work unless a limb was hanging off and can't help judge people who don't do the same (I don't let others know this though). I make the OP look a lot less unreasonable though don't I ?!

Maybe she is milking it. But as you can't tell, you should assume shes not ans don't make her sickness any worse by giving her a hard time.

I gave been very ill with all 4 of mine - varying from ill but can sort of muddle through, with help, most days, to 'can't get out of bed' ill.

My Mum was never very sick when she was pg - just a little bit of nausea she says - and she has made so many comments over the years that tell me she thinks I am just lazy and weak. It makes a horrible sickness even worse to know that people are thinking badly of you :(

Anyone who hasn't had bad MS or hyperemisis (including DHs) needs to be encouraged to reflect on the last time they had a gastro bug...and then imagine that feelindg went on not for 48 hours, but months and months.

I'm 10 weeks with dc3 and feeling prettty rough but just keeping on going really. Let her enjoy taking it easy - it's her first baby. She won't have a chance once she has any more. I was doing a house up on my first baby and was nearly admitted due to dehydration despite being on pretty srong antiemetics (cyclizine then odansatrone. I just sucked ice cubes in bed with a vomit bowl where I would throw up into every hour.

Granted - This pregnancy I'm just contantly nauseous now with only a few throw ups but if I could languish in bed...it would be lovely .

But maybe just maybe, she is being a princess?

Her DH knows her best and if he thinks she is milking then maybe she is? Her work are pissed off, her DH is pissed off and she is lying in bed watching TV and being waited on demanding FOOD which she manages to keep down perfectly well. When I had MS I couldnt face food, and I cant imagine who hard it must be with Hyperemisis. She was well enough to defend herself by yelling down the stairs, when I was feeling bad I could barely have managed a croaked "fuck off" :o and as I say, I only had MS not hyperemesis.

I have to say that based on what the OP is saying, she has had some normal level MS that has come as a bit of a surprise to her so she has taken to her bed, and could well be milking it.

Either way, I would stay out of it.

eh, suffering is not a competition!!

Fair play to her if she can get away with it, she won't be able to spend 3 weeks in bed for the next 20 years!!

As for her husband telling tales out of school, bad form on his behalf.

If there is house renovations to be done, she can hardly help anyway if she's pregnant!

I got that samay, except the other way. I was really skinny to start with, so I had a midwife saying "you know, you can't avoid putting weight on, you need to put the baby before your vanity"

samay, that is just awful :(

butterpieify, I guess you're right, but I had one in pregnancy and never thought of it as a 'complication', just a bit of a nuisance. But I know as with everything in pregnancy it all varies from person to person.

Ok I feel suitably chastised now for even daring to contemplate she might be being ever so slightly princessy about it. I have been defending her to DH and saying she might not actually be ill but she will certainly be feeling very ill, and it's actually worse than an illness as you don't know how long it will last.

I'll pop round with more magazines and gingernuts today

Both pregnancies I have been flattened for weeks on end. I don't think whether or not she's being a princess is for anyone else to judge...

I really feel I need to let you know that I don't expect the same from my children, I enjoy them having mild bugs as I can mollycoddle them (strokes DS3 as he coughs on her knee right now). I'm just a bit evil about other people (in my eyes) milking being ill. I'm aware it's probably jealousy but I would still feel pissed off with a friend who stayed in bed for three weeks (and yes I was so ill and tired and foggy when pregnant with DS3 I could hardly bear it, at 16 weeks I was seriously regretting the pregnancy when I had craved another baby for four years).

I was told by my OB that I should put on some weight while pregnant. I thought "what part of 'morning sickness' did you not understand?".

Asking for food isn't that strange either - I found that the longer that I looked at food, the worse it made me feel. By the time that I'd cooked or prepared anything, I couldn't really face eating it. My DH and DD were on ready meals, and I was on anything that could be removed from a packet and eaten immediately. As long as it didn't have a trace of grease, any egg, any vegetables, any fruit, any fish, or basically anything except starchy carbohydrate with a touch of salt or sugar.

My goodness, this thread is making me glad that I'm not pregnant.

I think her DH sounds awful tbh. Maybe she is milking it, but I found the lack of my usually very understanding DH about my morning sickness almost as bad as the sickness itself. I also found the nausea worse than the vomiting, as at least once you've actually vomited you feel slightly better for a short time.

That said, my neighbour definitely DID milk it. She didn't have hyperemisis (I have seen ladies at the hospital with this and you wouldn't believe how debilitating it looked!) although did have fairly bad morning sickness. It didn't seem to stop her going on nights out mind, but she did require her DH to take weeks off work to look after their toddler.

I had awful sickness with DS. I was off work for about a month in total during my first trimester because I literally couldn't stand up. I was throwing up 5+ times a day.

I know that work and colleagues thought I was being lame, it didn't help that another girl in my team was about 4 months further on than I was and didn't feel sick at all and was basically able to carry on as normal - which I would have loved to be able to do!
I ended up getting depression because I felt so awful about the whole situation, and because of the comments and attitude. In the end I got sign off to work from home for my whole pregnancy because I couldn't bear to go to the office. Needless to say I didn't go back after maternity leave.

samay - are you still married to that man, because that would have gone down as unforgiveable in my book.

lostinwales - maybe you should get some therapy, you do sound like you made a martyr of yourself...

lostinwales - I want to reiterate that the amount of vomiting often not related to the debilitation caused by the illness. The debilitating effect is the defining factor for a diagnosis of hyperemesis - not the amount of vomit. You did not have hyperemesis because you were able to work every day of your pregnancy. It is not a question of how "hard" you are or of your "tolerance".

I suffered from hyperemesis both times and if you had told me "FFS get a grip" - do you know what I would have replied? Well, I wouldn't have replied because the very act of speaking was painful (vomit having burnt throat) and I would have started retching anyway. I wouldn't have even had the energy to be angry about it. I was so ill that I don't know if I could have even got out of the house if it had been on fire.

As (your posts imply that you are) an HCP, you ought to adjust your attitude and stop thinking that everyone who vomited the same amount as you in pregnancy felt the same as you felt. It is possible the OP's friend is milking it, but it is also possible that she isn't. I can't tell and neither can you.