Emailing and children

[scatterbee]

Again after advice for my partner.

He is the NRP. He wants to set up an email address for his DC (5 & 7) so that they can email each other. He wants this private from his ex if possible. Also wants them to be able to instant message each other / web cam / skype if him and the DC are on at the same time.

She thinks hes unreasonable. That expecting them to email is daft. And that she has no objection to trying to webcam but it needs to be a set time, and its likely to be a brief moment before they race off, and she is not willing to have a webcam left on so he can see what they are playing / generally doing as thats an invasion of her house.

So Is he unreasonable?

Well, in fact I was saying the OP - not her partner - is not a shit parent. He certainly has not covered himself in glory. But several posts either openly stated, or inferred, that because the OP had left her DD she was a terrible person. It is that I specifically don't agree with.

As to her partner, no he's certainly not behaved brilliantly. Although the not paying maintenance is a non point if he's assessed at zero (which is what the OP said) and the drunk issue - well he wasn't drunk, not in the sense of downing pints in front of the DC then jumping in his car, he was over the limit the next day. not quite the same thing to my mind. The main issue is that he hasnt kept up contact with his DC, and he has rightly been criticised for that.

I do think that it's easy to take an idealistic view of what NRPs should or shouldnt be doing. Having had to deal with an Ex who is in many ways worse than the man here I am probably more pragmatic about it all.

I think you are both in exactly the positions you deserve, hopefully these kids won't be too fucked up by you and your 'partner'.

"They need him", really? After being fucked about and worse...

Hatesponge - I have never ever ever driven after a night out where I had my kids the next day. In that scenario I wouldn't have drunk at all. At least one of them needed to be sober to deal with those kids. Neither of them were. That is grossly irresponsible.

As far as the Op being called a shit parent, I don't agree. She has put forward her situation, posters (like me) have said they don't understand how she could have left her child. I still don't understand that. And my situation, if you read the thread, on the face of it was very similar.

The thing is, the op came on here looking for advice and then drip drip drip fed information - my partner doesn't drive became my partner is banned from driving became my partner is banned from driving for drink driving became my partner is banned from driving because he was drunk driving the next day with the kids in the car and was hours and hours late dropping off the kids.

BTW scatterbee - you say by a fluke the police pulled the car over. I'd bet the police pulled him over because they had his/your car reg and it was flagged up since his ex called them.

The Op has consistently made excuses for this man. I think he has suckered her (again I've said this before) right in with a load of bullshit fairystories about how unfair everyone is and how no one understands him.

As to the OP and her relationship with her DD - I think she is doing the best she can in the circumstances to build a relationship with her daughter and that's a good thing.

BUT if I was the OP's ex, I'd probably have my doubts about contact as well. He didn't have an affair. As far as I can see, he's the only innocent adult in this. The OP and her partner and her partner's ex all had affairs with various other people.

From her ex's point of view, she had an affair, left him with the child to bring up, immediately took up with one of his best friends and was living in a grotty place with him, oh and he has drink issues, violence issues and all the other problems that have been brought out in this thread.

I am not surprised that it has ended up the way it has with regard to that.

Scatterbee - I am totally and utterly confused now.

On 26th Jan you posted about your DP's situation and stated that his ex was going to contact the bio-dad of the 2nd DC and see if he wanted to be involved.

That is only 6 or 7 weeks ago. How did contact get moved to once a fortnight then once a month as you stated in this timescale?

"scatterbee Sat 19-Mar-11 22:35:29

It was weekly contact originally. Ex said bio dad was getting involved and she asked DP to agree to fortnightly. DP didnt want that. We moved between court hearings. Had court hearing. Judge ordered fortnightly."

But

"scatterbee Wed 26-Jan-11 17:55:07

Hi everyone.

Did have this posted in stepparents but DH asked me to move it to somewhere we would get the "biggest range of responses" so i am braving AIBU!!!!

So .....

My partner has 2 DSS with his ex. One is his, one we have found out is not his. We have confronted ex with the results. Originally she denied it, she has now admited she had an affair, and is going to contact the bio father to see if he wishes to be involved."

Oh and you state on that thread that no money has been paid in maintenance as it's a nil assessment, and then state you aren't looking for the £800 he's paid already. But you state on here that he did look for that money back.

I think you ate both expecting too much from the kids saying something isn't going to prove anything it actions. Op you are being consistant and doing what you say you will with your dd, your dp however is not.

Pebbles Ok i get it, because i am female leaving my DD was the worst thing i could do. Had i been male I would have been doing the best thing for her! I should have taken her to live with me in a gutter if necessary rather than leaving her in the comfort of her own home with a parent that loves her.

Usedtobe and hatesponge Thank you.

Hatesponge contact centre visits are now monthly. He is getting to those.

different I will agree to disagree with you. His ex contributed to the situation. Maybe now she is not andmaybe she still is. However DP does need to do more, i know that which is why i was trying to think of ways to help him. Ive been given some good feedback, so i shall pass that along.

Winter He was not drunk driving. He had had drinks the night before, had slept it off, got up and thought he was OK. Obviously not. It was a mistake not some deliberate evil thing to do.

Your dp will find life much easier to deal with if you both start to get him to take some responsibility. Driving the next day is drink driving he was wrong there is no excuse for any of his actions. He has to face what he has done.

Its Bio dad first saw DSS on 5th Feb. We had court on the 16th Feb. Ordered to moved to fortnightly. We moved the following week, court were aware of this. Original order from the 16th stated fortnightly. Then we moved and my dates clashed with the ones set up with the contact centre. Ex, her sol, court and contact centre was notified. They are supervised and I pay for them, so it was agreed to move to monthly rather then DP consistantly miss sessions. He had his first monthly visit last Sat. He has a review in June, although i understand from his sol it might be pushed back because there wont have been many sessions.
He asked for the money back when he was in a strop! Ex did not take it very well

I get it though. DP needs to sort his DCs out himself. I intend to try stepping back. There have been several good ideas put forward on here about what he can do. I shall offer them to him as suggestions but i shall try not to push him to do it, or do it for him. I will obviously still take him to contact, but will try and limit my involvement to that. I just worry he will do nothing instead. And i know know know that youll all leap on that but thats because of where he is, he consistantly kept contact with his DCs, it just all went nuts last year!

If hedoes nothing that is up to him, they are his children. He needs to take back control for his life and live with what he is has and will do.

Scatterbee, best of luck. As a stepmum I have suggested ways of keeping more regular contact to DH and DSS, and they have both appreciated it very much. Sometimes it does help to get involved because you are more objective than the DH but it's always hard to keep the rght balance and know when to step back a bit.

It's v common for people to get depressed after separation, and it is very hard to manage the access situation well. Hope your DP can stick to the access and slowly build it up again. And that You and your daughter work things through.

Slightly bemused by the idea that crticising drink driving is laughable.

Hatesponge - the reason why people are commenting on the OP's whole relationship is because it is the context within which this story is set.

The manner with which the OP has approached the thread seems very telling in relation to the issues being discussed - excuses are made and details are fudged. For example there was a very clear implication early in the thread that the supervised contact was due to the DP's problems with stress etc. It is now clear that it was due to the drink driving incident and his behaviour after it.

If you both knew you were due to be driving early enough to collect the children from wherever they were (why was someone else looking after them on one of his much sought after contacts?) and have them home by 9am...why get so drunk he was still over the limit the next avo?

What is a grown man doing getting that pissed instead of being with his much missed children? I'm at an adult getting that pissed anyway, so studenty.

Was an alarm not set?

Did he not tell the ex where they were staying?

Scatterbee the fact is he was drunk when driving. End of.

The man hardly sees his kids, he has not much access, and instead of having the time with them he palmed them off on another relative, got bladdered, so bladdered that he was still over the drink drive limit the next afternoon.

Sorry but that is how it was.

And sorry but you still stated on your other thread that no maintenance had been paid as it was a nil assessment. Yet he looked for money back. Still .

Your partner needs to get his own behind to contact every other week - there's no need to move contact to once a month, which I agree with you is so far apart for the kids. He needs to get a lift, go on a bike, get a bus, whatever it takes to get there on the one weekend in four that he gets limited contact for a few hours with his kids in a contact centre. You do not need to take him - you are, as I have said before, totally enabling him and making excuses for him.

Also, did you mean that you are paying for the contact centre visits? Surely since your partner is on such a limited income then they will be free? There is no way you should be paying for this man to see his child.

The whole situation just rings massive alarm bells for me I am sorry.

I understand your point "Ok i get it, because i am female leaving my DD was the worst thing i could do. Had i been male I would have been doing the best thing for her!" I think many people really don;t understand that their DH ould be a better parenting option than them. Partly because most of us secretly think we are the better parent (perhaps) or maybe just because its much rarer. I didn't raise it because really we don;t have anything like enough information to know whetehr it was the sensible thing to do in teh situation. I also think that people (understandably) object to leaving partners/children for another person rather than saying this isn't working out, leaving, stabilising the situation and then seeing if other relationship has a chance.

I also understand that you fel that happening to be over the limit the following day doesn't have the same calculation as driving immediately afetr drinking but...

Drinking so much whilst your children are in your care that you are still over the limit at lunchtime the next day, not properly communicating with their mother, relying on a text and just assuming that she will have got it, giving up on phone calls after a fairly short period because they aren't suficiently interested in him (why is he punishing them - what did they do wrong other than look like their mother?), having to coax him into doing the right thing etc etc are all a big red flashing sign of immaturity and a breath-taking degree of self centredness that you are colluding with. Supporting is difernt to enabling.

There isn't an adult in this situation who has cnsistently behaved well over the majority of these childrens lives and your DP's actions are punishing the children for it.

Its what my father did (and continues to do in his 70's) and as a result he is a terribly "misunderstod" man with little meaningful relationship with his childrne and a succession of "supportive" partners who feelhis pain at being so badly treated

Oh and I have no personal view on your relationship nor do I care - you are adults you can make our own decisions and deal with the mistakes and they are unlikely to significant change your personality. They are children they have little to no control and being fucked up by a useless prick of a father who really cares more about himself than you can really change your view of the world.

I'm afraid the 5 year old when they are old enough to understand will never be able to see him as a father because "real" parents who love their children don't "divorce" them publically. My child was adopted I know what it is to raise a child who isn't genetically mine. Shame on him.

I strongly suspect it was to punish his partner and he obviously either didn;t have the brins to think through the affect it would have on his child or didn;t care. Neither would be a very attractive characteristic in my book.

OP, I have just read this entire thread in one go.

Horrifying.

I think you are beginning to get it.

Your P is not D at all, he is just dreadful, weak, pityful and spineless.

With respect, you are 24, people make mistakes at 24, catastrophic ones. You gave up your DD for this dreadful man who really, honestly and truthfully is not, and never will be worth it.

Just because you 'screwed up your entire life to be with him' doesn't mean your soul is sold.

The ONLY redeeming thing you could do in your life is to walk away from the man you thought was a good one, that turned out to be a really shit dad and very poor human being.

Get rid of him and his sorry excuses, rebuild your life, eat tons of Humble Pie and work night and day to rebuild the relationship between you and your daughter. Literally nothing in the world matters.

Give up on this bloke, he is old enough to know better, behave better and treat those around him better. FGS, don't ever, ever, EVER consider having kids with him. What you are seeing now is exactly what he will be like with any poor offspring you bear him.

His Ex must be secretly giving thanks to God for you having taking this prize wanker off her hands. I know I would.

Please scatterbee listen to some of the excellent advice you've been given on this thread.