Emailing and children

[scatterbee]

Again after advice for my partner.

He is the NRP. He wants to set up an email address for his DC (5 & 7) so that they can email each other. He wants this private from his ex if possible. Also wants them to be able to instant message each other / web cam / skype if him and the DC are on at the same time.

She thinks hes unreasonable. That expecting them to email is daft. And that she has no objection to trying to webcam but it needs to be a set time, and its likely to be a brief moment before they race off, and she is not willing to have a webcam left on so he can see what they are playing / generally doing as thats an invasion of her house.

So Is he unreasonable?

I would. I would have her with me all the time if i could, but right now she doesnt want to come with me. I am building up on that. She has a room here ready for when she is ready to come. Right now i take what i can get. We are going to family therapy and whatever they say the problems are i will work on.
When i left, i was going to live in a grotty house with DP. Originally it was to be for 3-6 months whilst he did it up. Me and ex were supposed to be doing bird nesting stuff. Ie i go round he goes out. It never happened. I used to take her out for the day and have her to stay overnights at my parents. It gradually got chopped smalled and smaller, until she didnt want to come at all.
Yes i pay maintenance for her.

I would never choose a man over my children, they are my world.....and didn't ask to be born, you have chosen all your decisions and still left your dd. I wonder how she feels when she is at school and her friends talk about their mum! Or their mums pick them up from school..regardless of if you work, they all go home to their mummy!!! Whilst you seem more worried abouth your dp not seeing his kids, although he doesn't even pay for then does he - do you?.

Differentnameforthis - contact is ordered to be supervised in a contact centre, so partner can't take them out for the day

Fair enough, haven't read that far yet! But still possible see more often, tho!

so in june,what do you think the ex will b requesting?
and what will your dp be asking for?

the contact centre report wont be positive will it?

You asked for constructive advice.

The whole thread has been full of it.

Put your daughter first and let your partner sort his own mess out.

I'd make him move out if I was you. And make him do everything for himself. You don't need the extra hassles - you need to be concentrating on your relationship with your daughter and making that work.

Sorry, crossed posts - you pay and your dp doesn't is that a father you would want for future dc - say he left you - another child fatherless and again not paying!!! I think you regret what you have done and would give anything to be back with your dd, but just don't want to admit to what you did, in terms of fucking up your dd life

Even now though 1 or both will not always stay. I believe this is because there is too long between visits

They aren't staying because they don't trust him. They don't trust him because he left them. They can't rebuild trust in him because they don't get to see him often enough!

All the more reason to buck his ideas up & make sure there is more contact!

If there is nothing else going on re contact I can't see why this is a contact centre matter, tbh. I thought contact centres were only used in cases where children were at risk, etc (happy to be told different, as I now have no experience of them. Friend used them yrs ago for her child & the child's father to have contact, but that was a DV/volatile father situation)

I can because he wasnt like this originally, honestly he wasnt. Its bizarre. When things went bad with my DD i could have given up and i didnt. He helped me. I feel i owe him the same back. He could do more I do know that, but hes in a downwards spiral and i cant seem to help. I want to. If i throw him out i really worry about what would happen, and i love him. I really do, he just seems to have lost himself recently.

Scatterbee - I think you're doing your best with your daughter, but I think you need to take your partner out of it, don't get him to go with you when you go to see her - how old is she?

As far as he is concerned, I have a horrible feeling you are going to waken up someday and realise you have made a dreadful mistake.

He's a waste of space deadbeat who can't think further than the end of his nose. It's all about him. Can you see that?

different ex got arrested for drink driving with the kids in the car, after being late returning the kids. Ex stopped hiscontact. He then went crazy basically. Ex asked for and got given contact centre. He was advised by his sol not to argue against it, bust just to agree. Hes also going for anger management and counselling and CBT

Scatterbee - when I left my DP I was on my own for a few months and then I started a relationship with this man.

The sex was fabulous. He worshipped the ground I walked on. But he was unreliable. He drank too much, he used drugs. He went on 4 day benders.

I tried to help him. I listened to all his excuses.

It wasn't him, he'd had a hard life, people weren't fair yadda yadda. I used to think If I could just do xyz then he'd change

And then I called in unexpectedly one day and found him passed out through drink and drugs.

And I realised he'd never ever change.

And I never went back.

I'm a lot older than you and I can tell you I now have a lovely DP who is 10 times the man he ever was.

You can't fix his life for him, no matter how much you want to no matter how lovely he is, if he was that lovely he'd sort himself out.

She is 7. Well almost 8.

I have a 9 year old DD.

I didn't tell her or her sister that me and DP were together as a couple for months.

And no way would they ever think I had chosen him over them. They know they come first last and always.

You really really need to put your daughter first and let this man do his own thing. By himself.

Scatterbee - five years from now your DP will be 35, he'll be dossing about in some dopey job. And he'll be telling some young girl about his horrible ex and how she won't let him see his kids and she makes it so hard for him and oh he gets these panic attacks and his partner doesn't understand and isn't it terrible.

And she'll get sucked in.

And you'll be dumped for the younger more naive model.

My mum reckons i am looking after him because i cant look after my DD. I dont know if its the wine ive drank, the complete disdain he has incurred on her or what, the actually typing and rereading back what ive wrote, but tonight I feel like i might be an idiot!

I will not take him with me anymore to see her. Does anyone know how i can maybe reassure her that im not trying to take her from her dad as that seems to be one of her worries.

on here even!

Obviously i would love to take her from her dad, but i still think i originally did the right thing in leaving her behind, and accept that now being with me isnt the best thing for her.

His biggest stressor / cause of the depression is the ex and the hostilty and the contact problems

But you still can't see that he caused all this, can you?

I have a friend who suffers huge panic attacks. She takes medication because she has a job & 2 kids to support.

She has a phobia of flying, She took meds to fly to see a poorly friend in another state.

You know, a while after my day left, mum stopped him having contact for some time. She was very manipulative about it. Said it was us not wanting it, but it was her wanting control. My dad used to write to us, send us cards, etc. They were all sent back, but he showed them to us years later.

So there is a plan, just get him to send stuff, letter , emails etc & one day they will be able to reply in their own way.

You don't give up on your kids because they don't seem interested! You keep trying!

Scatterbee - I linked you up the thread to a relationship rescuer - I think you're doing that with him. I know because I tried to do the same with that bloke I was seeing.

As far as reassuring your daughter - just keep taking her back, be there, small steps.

(And a very big YAY to you!! I think you are actually starting to get it!! And I know it's scary and not easy so keep posting)