Emailing and children

[scatterbee]

Again after advice for my partner.

He is the NRP. He wants to set up an email address for his DC (5 & 7) so that they can email each other. He wants this private from his ex if possible. Also wants them to be able to instant message each other / web cam / skype if him and the DC are on at the same time.

She thinks hes unreasonable. That expecting them to email is daft. And that she has no objection to trying to webcam but it needs to be a set time, and its likely to be a brief moment before they race off, and she is not willing to have a webcam left on so he can see what they are playing / generally doing as thats an invasion of her house.

So Is he unreasonable?

I've posted on your other thread.

My ex suggested this. Even the JUDGE thought HWBU.

It is unreasonable for either of you to expect children of this age to facilitate the requirements of adults.

Contact is for the benefit of the children, not the parents.

I'm not surprised Mum is sticking to her guns. I expect she feels harrased as well.

OP you say further up the thread "having set times with the kids has been difficult as they lose interest after a few minutes so he stopped bothering".

Am I reading it right that he stopped calling when he was supposed to and now he wants free reign to skype and webcam all the time?

Are you serious?

he stopped bothering??

says alot!

Oh and OP, I said this on your other thread, I will say it here.

You were the OW.

You constantly say "we", we this, we that, we the next thing.

You need to butt out and let your partner have his relationship with his child.

And yes it's the one child. He's not prepared to pay maintenance for that child, he's taken his name off the birth certificate. He has NO RIGHT to any contact with that child. If he'd wanted contact, he didn't have to take his name off the birth certificate and he should pay maintenance as if that child was his the same as the other one.

My 7 year old twins have an e-mail account and free use of the laptop,don't get the big deal.They've been e-mailing since 5 and find it very easy to do. Dtwin2 set up his account himself.

They're fab tools,they write masses and really encourage boys to write(and read).One of my dtwins e-mails his grandad weekly and gets soooooo excited when he gets one back.

We just have strict internet controls and the dtwins only have 3 friends they e-mail and who I've let them e-mail.I know the parents well,we all read and snigger daily to check all is ok. We've had serious talks about keeping safe online.

E-mail is part of life.My dp is a software designer so it's second nature in our family.You just need strict rules which you enforce in the same way you do with kids playing outside.Our dc are only allowed the laptop a couple of times a week for an hour max so I know exactly what they're up to.

Our rules are:-

1. until you're older we have to know the password at all times and no changing what so ever without our consent and involvement.

2)they don't give out their e-mail address to anybody

3)they only e-mail friends whose parents I've discussed it with

4. we are allowed to access and check(it is an invasion of privacy I know but it's that or nothing at this age)

Any breaking the rules,no e-mail. Our dc are pretty good re rule breaking so we've not had any problems.

I'd do the e-mail thing as they'd get a lot out of it but I'd hate the webcam thing.

MilaMae - the OP wants the kids to have an email address though that their mother doesn't have access to.

Would you be happy with that?

He is being totally unreasonable. There is no way children of five and seven should be having unsupervised access to email and I can't imagine they would be very interested anyway. It is fundamentally wrong to expect children of that age to be communicating without their Mum's help. Even if the email was supposed to be private they would ask their Mum for help. The webcam thing is just plain wrong. If he's so keen to communicate maybe he could step away from his cimputer and see them in real life?

tbh if you think she won't write emails for them and say they don't want do it, she's hardly going to facilitate open access to their own email and webcam time is she?

Do you think you've totally gone off on the wrong tack here?

totally unreasonable and slightly mad to even ask the question, are you for real??

Confused is the op the mother?

Where are they living?

I thought the op was the mother,wouldn't have a problem with kids e-mail being private from a step mother but I think both parents have a right to access their dc's e-mail at any time.

No MilaMae the OP is the new partner, she was the OW - her partner met her and left his wife for her.

Don't know where they are living. I've asked a few times and I'll ask again, OP can you tell us what the contact arrangements as order by the court are?

The OP's partner (ie kids father, well father to one of them) wants the kids to have an email address that their mother doesn't have access to.

And have a webcam on for extended periods of time to view his ex-wife's house.

Right I get it.

Op mum has to be able to access she'd be irresponsible otherwise.

The webcam idea is hideous.

If it was me I'd set up the e-mail that both parents can access(you're going to have to compromise),kids love it.If he wants to use it he will.

Do you not see if he keeps said address private from his mum he'll think it ok to set up another possibly from both of you. It's sending out bad messages re secrecy etc. The kids safety has to be a priority.

Yes he took himself off the birth certificate. The child was not his and the bio father was getting involved. It hurt DP, dont know what that has to do with access.

He stopped ringing because it got so difficult. Its heartbreaking trying to ring your DC and constantly being told they dont want to speak to you. I dont know why that is a crime? If something is not working surely you try something else?

There is a contact order. DP sees the children once a month at the moment. It was weekly, then we moved and it went to fortnightly. Then there was problems with contact, there was none, and now its monthly. Court order says nothing about contact in between. DP is trying to think of something.

Ok so its unreasonable to expect mum not to be involved. I see that, i just dont think she will help. Does anyone have constructive comments about what we could do?

yes, stop being so bloody agressive towards her. adopting an attitude of 'oh she won't help' and start understanding that she is dealing with 2 kids most of the time, she probably understands them quite well because of that. Think to yourself that she is probably telling the truth when she says the kids can't write their own emails what with them being 5 and 7...

Has your partner tried mediation?

return to court?

get a mid week call/skype put into the order....

If there has been animosity between the parents then yes, it is quite feasible that the DC do not want to talk to their dad at times. They simply might find it easier to eal with things this way. I know me and sister had this attitude with our dad. This was partly his fault (using the phone calls to have digs at our mum) and partly our mum's (making us feel guilty about what was said and how we responded to it).

Webcamming and Skype are a great idea but not in the way OP and her OH are suggesting it. Having the webcam on at set times agreed by both parties isn't asking much but an access all areas webcam into the ex's home 24/7? No way!

Scatterbee - I'm repeating myself on this thread, as I've said this on the other thread but...

Your partner took himself off the birth certificate and doesn't have parental responsibility for the child any longer. Therefore, he has no right to access. IIRC he doesn't pay maintenance for that child either, am I right? So, that's what it has to do with access. He has no RIGHT to contact with that child.

He needs to put himself out for contact with his children and not be a sap and give up when it gets "difficult" - small kids aren't going to want to talk on the phone, or skype or email - there will always be something more interesting they'd rather be doing.

Why did contact fade from weekly to monthly? Was there a court order and was it varied to allow this? How far away did your partner move from his children?

Contact was originally 1 day per week.

Then when bio father got involved for child which is not DPs it went to fortnightly against DPs wants, but he was overruled by judge.

We then moved 25 miles away, and i work 1 sat in 4 and as DP cant drive its gone to monthly visits. Ex was not happy with this but has been advised its tough.

Problems with contact mainly centre around DCs not wanting to come. Weve had numerous upsets where they just wont come. DP told ex enough was enough and if she didnt make it happen instead of being wishy washy he would seek enforcement.

4 weeks is a long time to not communicate with the children, so we were trying to think of some way to communicate in the in between times.

Ex has flatly refused webcam now. She says DC dont want to reply (as evidenced by phone problems) so she thinks he should just send stuff to them, if they will reply she will get them to, but he should not expect it.

Scatterbee - I've replied on your other thread but I will repeat myself here.

Can you not organise the contact so that it's on the weekends when you are available to take your partner?

Can your partner not catch a bus or train?

You only work one weekend in 4 that leaves 3 weekends when you could take your partner to his access.

On the other hand, he's a grown man, if he wanted to see his kid that much he'd not move so far away without thinking about access.

"ex has been told it's tough" - sorry I don't think I understand this. Are you saying that your partner is contravening a contact order in place by a judge? That your partner has basically told his ex to suck it up? Like it or lump it?

How can your partner seek enforcement against his ex in these circumstances? Can you not see how unreasonable your partner is being? Your partner needs to grow up and decide how much he wants to see his child.

If I was the ex I would tell you all to get your backsides back into court and let the judge decide on the evidence. Sporadic contact. Moves away. Gives up on phone contact. Wants invasion of privacy via webcam.

Can't you see how bad this is for the kids involved? Your partner needs to give his child contact on a regular ongoing basis with NO EXCUSES and he needs to be there every other week whether the kids turn up or not, if he does that then the judge will enforce the contact order - it's in a contact centre, why is that btw?

The contact centre will communicate with the judge if your partner's ex is being obstructive.

I have to say I think the problem lies with your partner not his ex.

If your partner wants contact more than once a month, he needs to see the child/ren when he's supposed to, which is once a fortnight. And he needs to do whatever is necessary to make that happen every time reliably without fail. He needs to turn up come hell or high water, regardless of whether he thinks the kids/ex will be there or not. He needs to demonstrate a commitment to those children.

He isn't doing that at the moment.

this really does give absent fathers a bad name!!

he is an apalling example of a father...25 miles!!! any decent parent would WALK that if they had to!!!

Stewie - I don't think scatterbee is getting it.

Any man who would give up on kids so easily is just weak.

And to "advise" his ex that court ordered contact will not be stuck to and it's "just tough" - shows a total disregard for the rule of law and the judicial system. Imagine actually doing what the court told you to

ILoveITIFAANY - xposts wasn't ignoring you!