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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Emailing and children

388 replies

scatterbee · 18/03/2011 08:48

Again after advice for my partner.

He is the NRP. He wants to set up an email address for his DC (5 & 7) so that they can email each other. He wants this private from his ex if possible. Also wants them to be able to instant message each other / web cam / skype if him and the DC are on at the same time.

She thinks hes unreasonable. That expecting them to email is daft. And that she has no objection to trying to webcam but it needs to be a set time, and its likely to be a brief moment before they race off, and she is not willing to have a webcam left on so he can see what they are playing / generally doing as thats an invasion of her house.

So Is he unreasonable?

OP posts:

Buda · 18/03/2011 08:51

He is a bit I think.

They are too young for an email address that they access on their own. And I totally agree that she shouldn't have to have a webcam on the whole time! A set time that they see him and chat for a few minutes is better. They will get bored.

ScaredOfCows · 18/03/2011 09:39

Is there any particular reason why he wants the emails to be private from their mother?

I don't think a webcam on for extended periods is appropriate, it would be an invasion of privacy.

squeakytoy · 18/03/2011 09:42

He is being ridiculous.

They are young children, who should be supervised when using the computer.

As for the webcam, would you be comfortable with that, because I wouldnt.

itisnotgoingwelltoday · 18/03/2011 09:43

I have also posted on your other thread.

Yes, I'm sorry but he is being unreasonable.

My DC's are 12 and 9. I would not allow them an email address I didn't have access to, even at their age. What is he thinking of saying in emails that he doesn't want their mother to know about? That would ring massive alarm bells for me.

Wouldn't have a problem with a time to webcam, or if they happened to be on at the same time webcamming each other, but no way would I allow a webcam to be left on all the time.

That is totally controlling, Big Brother-esque and a complete invasion of my privacy.

What if I happen to be walking around my house in the nude? What if my new partner and I are snuggling on the sofa in sight of this webcam?

How would you feel if it was your house with a webcam on all the time?

And you have no guarantee that what is on the webcam isn't being recorded to be used against you at a future date.

Again, he is being VVVV Unreasonable.

Can't he just phone them? How much contact does he actually have?

brass · 18/03/2011 09:53

What an odd request.

OP is it not ringing any alarm bells for you? Especially wrt to wanting the webcam left on?

No one in their right mind would agree to that.

HecateTheCrone · 18/03/2011 09:56

oh yes. he is being totally unreasonable.

Are you saying that he wants the webcam to be left on so he can dip in and out to watch his kids? a webcam on in her home at all times? what an invasion of her privacy.

And why does he want to set up an email that is private? he wants to be able to tell the kids things that she can't know about?

ridiculous. they are 5 and 7. there is nothing he has to say to them that he must hide from their mother.

Desperateforthinnerthighs · 18/03/2011 10:02

Yeah, sorry he is being unreasonable.

Maybe in a few years time but think they are too young at the moment!

Desperateforthinnerthighs · 18/03/2011 10:04

...and def no to the webcam.

My sisters ex H has a webcam he lived in the middle east) and he skypes the kids etc etc.....she left them on skype/webcam thingy whilst she went upstairs and when she came back the computer was on the sofa in between her boys (they are 5 and 9) and they were all watching a film together - she said it really freaked her out!!

DorisIsAPinkDragon · 18/03/2011 10:05

My 5 year old would struggle to type an email out and would get bored after a few minutes so even on a practical basis that would not work.

The web cam should be at set times, young children are unlikely to be surfing the web all hours of the day and evening to be available for web chat, he is not unreasonable in wanting to see them but it seems to be totally on his terms (and with a gross invasion of privacy).

If he can't commit to a regular schedule then really that's his problem.

And I fully agree with the statement that at 5 and 7 they should not be encouraged to keep "private" secrets from their mother.

HIBU

ThisFeelsWeird · 18/03/2011 10:07

Did he actually say he wanted the webcam left on all the time? The OP doesn't say that.

itisnotgoingwelltoday · 18/03/2011 10:11

ThisFeelsWeird the OP said "she is not willing to have a webcam left on so he can see what they are playing / generally doing as thats an invasion of her house."

So I made the assumption that the OP's partner had asked for it?

I could be reading too much into that though.

Xenia · 18/03/2011 10:12

Depends on the child and the age. He is being a bit silly over it but we don't know their lives or history. She might be the resident parent from hell for all we know. I doubt in practice he could prevent her finding out their passwords.

My children's father only communicates with them and that started once one of the younger ones was big enough to deal with emails and texts alone but they were older than 5 and 7 but not much but they are pretty bright boys and very tech savvy.

Web cam on the time is not on. Sometimes my children have it on to communicate between floors of the house and I find it intrusive both of me and them because I can hear what the one is saying upstairs who may not remember it is on etc. I think here though he just wanted a web cam and skype communciation with his children which is the least he could have . I bet them other would want that if she saw her children as little as the father does.

Vallhala · 18/03/2011 10:14

Yes, he's being unreasonable. These might be his children but the webcam would be peering into his ex-wife's house, which has nothing to do with him. It would be a gross invasion of privacy.

Additionally, she is also the parent - in fact, she's the parent with care and so these day to day decisions are hers to make, not his. As the resident parent it's utterly unreasonable for her to be expected to allow the DC unmonitored use of the internet/email etc at their ages. Any involved parent who wouldn;t want the other to be able to access their child's emails would make me very concerned. No-one should encourage or enable a child to deceive the parent he lives with unless, obviously, under very exceptional circumstances where abuse is taking place.

Sorry to say it but the NRP sounds like a very controlling individual.

inchhighprivateeye · 18/03/2011 10:19

As others have said, 5 and 7 is too young to be able to send much in the way of emails. But if he wants to email them, that could work. My DP sends the DC funny pictures he's found that they might like. But at this age the vast majority of children wouldn't have emails that can't be seen by either parent. The fact that she's his ex is neither here nor there. First and foremost she's their mum so she has the right to monitor their computer use.

ConfessionsOfaFlask · 18/03/2011 10:24

Totally Unreasonable if he wants to watch them play and they are very young for email.

DD7's father lives abroad and she has only started to email him- it's not a regular thing yet because she needs me to log on and help her write the email.

They have been speaking on Skype/Cam once a week/fortnight, since she was 5, everyone at home says hello too. It will usually last between 10 and 30 minutes depending on how chatty/tired/interested she is on the day. In the beginning she would only last about 5 minutes!

I know by experience that to to help children engage in a Video Call , you need a grown up present until they are comfortable and engaged in the conversation.

He can't keep that private from her, it is controlling and petty.

I say pick your battles - this isn't one he is going to win.

RunAwayWife · 18/03/2011 10:28

5 and 7 seems a bit young to have email and to keep it from their mother, I do not see a problem with skyp if a set time is decided so he can talk to/see his children

DartsRus · 18/03/2011 10:34

My dd, aged 10, has just had an email set up for her, by me at her request, as some of her friends will be moving to other schools soon. I have the password as well, and so will DP so that all use is monitored. There will be no way she can email without us knowing what she's sending. She has been told that if she changes the password without telling us what it is she is in big trouble.

I also would not have a webcam on without restrictions as it's an invasion of privacy.

ScaredOfCows · 18/03/2011 10:57

OP I think I remember from one of your previous posts that your partner is not the biological father to one of these children?? Makes it even more unreasonable for him to be wanting secret emails, if that is the case.

Original poster

scatterbee · 18/03/2011 16:48

Yes DP is not bio dad to 1 child. He wants to carry on being involved though.

He doesnt want the cam on all the time to spy on her. Its just having set times with the kids has been difficult as they lose interest after a few minutes so he stopped bothering, but as DP is now working from home he could have his email on all the time, so we thought it might be that if they had a web cam on it could be more of a pop in and out convo with him, he could see them play etc.

He doesnt want the email "secret" he just doesnt want the ex helping them write, because well bluntly we think she will not let them, and will instead say they dont want to. If they could do it on their own then we think the responses would be freer. School was asked but they would not facilitate it.

OP posts:

itisnotgoingwelltoday · 18/03/2011 16:52

School would not facilitate it because it's unethical and just plain wrong to hide stuff from the kids Mum.

Your DP got himself taken off the birth certificate and parental responsibility removed from the child that he isn't the bio-dad to, so as far as I know he has no legal rights to any contact with that child.

The kids are 5 and 7, how much do you think they are going to be able to write without their mother's input?

The kids are small, they are going to lose interest - that's how it goes.

He may not want the cam on all the time to spy on her, but he wants it on for extended periods of time to watch her house - that's spying on her and her family life and she has a complete right to a private family life. No way will you ever get that - the Human Rights Act would preclude it, apart from anything else.

I'm sorry I know it sounds like I'm having a go, I'm not trying to but I think you need to be a bit more realistic.

perfumedlife · 18/03/2011 16:55

My son is 6, seven in May and has his own laptop/email/webcam to keep in touch with his half brother in England. He even set up a blog which he writes in every day. Told me he is going to write for the newspapapers when he grows up (if there are any left) I think emailing is good, it encourages them to write and think what they are saying.

Definately worth a try, no secrets from their mum though, and I would listen to her suggestions for suitable webcam times.

perfumedlife · 18/03/2011 16:57

God, your dp took himself off the birthcertificate?

If I were her i would say no way to the webcam or email to be honest.

itisnotgoingwelltoday · 18/03/2011 17:02

perfumed - to be fair, I got that off another thread the OP started.

HecateTheCrone · 18/03/2011 17:10

he took himself off the birth certificate?

then he does not want to be a father to that child and should just stay away and restrict himself to contact with his biological child.

he made his choice when he removed himself from birth certificate. He can't have it both ways.

saffy85 · 18/03/2011 17:11

Ofcourse he is being unreasonable. No WAY would I allow a 5 or 7 year old to use the internet unsupervised, nor would I want a webcam on all the time so someone (especially my ex of all people) could see into my home whenever he liked.

Anyway, surely at 5 and 7 they would need help right now to type and send an email? See no harm in them having an email address that's just the DC's but their mum should have access to this too, it's part and parcel of protecting them. Not from their dad but the internet isn't all that safe for children. My stepmum knows the passwords for my teenage brother and sister's facebook accounts for this very reason.

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