Emailing and children

[scatterbee]

Again after advice for my partner.

He is the NRP. He wants to set up an email address for his DC (5 & 7) so that they can email each other. He wants this private from his ex if possible. Also wants them to be able to instant message each other / web cam / skype if him and the DC are on at the same time.

She thinks hes unreasonable. That expecting them to email is daft. And that she has no objection to trying to webcam but it needs to be a set time, and its likely to be a brief moment before they race off, and she is not willing to have a webcam left on so he can see what they are playing / generally doing as thats an invasion of her house.

So Is he unreasonable?

OK,

My advice would be:

1/. Your DP has to explore all options for getting to contact with DC's - it is only 25 miles for goodness sake. Get a friend to take him? Cycle to the nearest train/bus station and go that way. Get a taxi.....whatever - I find it hard to believe that the is no way. Alternatively can you change your shift pattern at work to work on the Sat's when you don't have the DC's? I have done this and got agreement to leave early once a fortnight and skip lunch that day so DH can fulfil his side of the contact order. Why should I? because I love those kids and because I want to be supportive in actions, not just words.

2/.If all else fails, write to the Mum and explain the situation and ask for the contact to be fitted around your work pattern for a short while and the reasons why OR can she bring them to DP or can she meet him halfway? If she refuses without a valid reason, then you may have to go back to court to get the order amended. It's not ideal but they need to be seing their Dad and if he cares he needs to show them that with his actions, by making every effort.

3/. He needs to persist with the indirect contact. Email is not ideal for younger kids but what about writing them a letter? Getting them a subscription for a favourite comic? Sending them a postcard, ringing them regularly even if they do get bored and wander off - they will get better at talking on the phone as they get older. My sk's were "indifferent" at 5 and 7 but now they will chat away for 10 mins or more.

Sorry but it sounds like you both give up too easily and put obstacles in the way. If you care, you will move mountains and keep going even when it seems fruitless - they will get older and it will get easier but only if you keep showing that you care now. It's what parenting is about - sticking it out and making it work even when the going gets tough.

Maybe the Mum is hostile, some are but you need to work round it. People are doing it all the time!

Sorry have not read whole thread, but HIBU for sure, they are a bit young to be expected to email regularly, especially in secret from their mother. And the idea of having the webcam switched on all the time is also a no-no

OMFG I just read that he pays no maintenance for either child.

Contact centres aren't available long term either, so eventually contact needs to move on..... If it's been going well. And it is t going well. He's not turning up. And this is all relayed back to court.

Contact centres are in high demand......you'll be at the end of your sessions soon.... Then what op?

My DP is not a jerk, maybe im not explaining it well! It difficut to give lists of all the aggro over the years to back up why we all feel like we do.

DPs ban is for driving under the influance. Yes it was wrong. But there we go.

DP is suffering from stress and has panic attacks, so he cannot go on public transport on his own.

Taxi to the contact centre is £30 each way. We cannot afford it. He has only recently started working. All our spare money is going on solicitor / contact centre / mediation / loan repayments.

No there is no contact ordered in between. He is supposed to go to the contact centre fortnightly. We wrote to the ex asking for the weeks to be swapped once i had to do the sats, she declined and said DP had to be there. He has said he cant. She said she would go for enforcement. Sol said tough, if he cant get there he cant get there. Contact centre was notified, and contact was changed to every 4 weeks. Ex offered him to ring / send letters weekly. Ringing has failed in the past due to children refusing to speak. It left DP in tears so his counseller recommended against it. Letters do not get answered, which is where the email idea came from.

itisnotgoingwelltoday - He's not paying maintenance for either child (as per OP's most recent post). If he can't even fulfil that basic need for his child/ren, to support him/them financially then I doubt he's likely to be able to consider any of their other needs which he as a parent is responsible for.
OP buying gifts, clothes and funding them while they are with him is what he should be doing AS WELL AS paying maintenance. The very fact you said 'used to' on that score is totally unbelievable. It really shows how seriously he takes his responsibility to either/both of them.

zest01 (and OP) - I already suggested loads of options re writting letters, postcards, story cd's etc on OP's other thread in this subject.
I'm starting to think she and her OH aren't actually looking for anything useful. They clearly thought they'd get lots of support and be told the ex was BU and are a bit surprised everyone thinks differently to them.

Gillybean2 - I agree totally with everything you've said.

I think, scatterbee, that you are never going to get that you and your partner are not behaving in the best interests of these children and I don't think you are ever going to take any of the advice you've been given on either of the two threads.

Ok.

So instead of original idea, would it be unreasonable to ask for:

Set up email for DC. Ex to be given password, however ask if possible for DC to read / respond privately if possible. This would require older helping younger. DP would like to write daily? Is this too much?

2/3 web cams a week - time to suit ex and DC activities. Duration as long as DC will chat? Ex to help facilitate this by not having other stuff on / around at webchat times.

OP tell him to STOP EXPECTING REPLIES to his letters and he won't be disappointed. STOP expecting them to talk on the phone and he won't be disappointed.
Phone and write anyway, and if he gets a reply, or they say hi (or more) on the phone then take that as a bonus. He has to keep at it so that when they do actually want to speak to him and he phones they can. Can you imagine if they actually wanted to say hi one time and know he is meant to call and he doesn't bother...

He has some bridges to rebuild here, and HE has to be the one doing it. It will take a hell of a long time, and yes it will hurt when he is rejected (but nothing near as much as he has hurt these 2dc by his rejection of them)

Gilly - He wants something that they reply to, not just him sending stuff.

Scatterbee how many times do you have to be told that webcam/email in the circumstances you have described is just not going to be sensible?

What your partner needs to do is grow up and actually do the contact that the court has ordered.

And then when he's PROVED he can do that, look at something else.

Yes, it would be unreasonable. It is also unreasonable for you to be involved. He needs to establish his own relationship with his child(ren) before you even think about becoming involved.

Children of that age do not need email. Drop it.

One webcam a week would be plenty.

Sorry, but I'm not believing that public transport crap either.

And scatterbee it fucking well isn't about what HE wants.

It's about what is the right and proper thing to do for those kids.

He sounds like a self-absorbed, egotistical, narcissistic, controlling, manipulative, arsehole.

And you are his enabler.

OP

You can't expect letters etc to be answered really at that age. It's more about letting the kids know he is thinking about them than about them feeling obliged to write back.

We have previously supplied blank, stamped postcards for the kids and would get the odd picture through but at that age it is very much "out of sight out of mind". You don't get much back from kids in terms of appreciation etc until they older, looking back and realising what you did for them......but you have to be doing it first!

Sorry but it sounds like your OP has every excuse covered - lack of funds, lack of mobility, stress...... he needs to get a grip and work through those issues for the sake of his children. I'm not saying it's easy but it is called being a parent. You either want it warts and all or not at all. It's not something you can do half heartedly.

Sorry, I know that's not what you want to hear.

scatterbee, are you actually paying any attention to the things people are saying to you? You are asking for advice here, but seemingly not taking any of it.

Sugar - He has just started working from home. He had to drop out of uni because of the panic attacks! He is OK at home but his anxiety is completely off the chart as soon as he steps out of the door. Hes having to have supervised contact sessions rather than supported because of them as well. It is completely ruining his life. His biggest stressor / cause of the depression is the ex and the hostilty and the contact problems.

"Ex to help facilitate this by not having other stuff on / around at webchat times." - stop trying to control his ex and her life ffs she is getting on with rearing two wee boys with no input from a waste of space deadbeat dad who won't pay a penny in maintenance and has stopped seeing the kids.

Why is contact taking place in a contact centre? At whose request and under what grounds? Has he been deemed a risk?