Emailing and children

[scatterbee]

Again after advice for my partner.

He is the NRP. He wants to set up an email address for his DC (5 & 7) so that they can email each other. He wants this private from his ex if possible. Also wants them to be able to instant message each other / web cam / skype if him and the DC are on at the same time.

She thinks hes unreasonable. That expecting them to email is daft. And that she has no objection to trying to webcam but it needs to be a set time, and its likely to be a brief moment before they race off, and she is not willing to have a webcam left on so he can see what they are playing / generally doing as thats an invasion of her house.

So Is he unreasonable?

StewieGriffinsMom - first off, if the OP only works one weekend in 4, why can't the partner organise his access so that it falls on 2 of the 3 weekends she isn't working?

And it's all "we did this" "we did that" - scatterbee you need to butt right out, this is between your partner and his ex wife, you were the other woman.

Don't know whether there's much point posting to be honest as it doesn't seem like the OP is taking anyone's comments on board.

Oh and because I've not said this for a while - YABU OP

scatterbee, you need to butt out and stay out. If you are, in fact, the OW, your 'help' will only be a hindrance, since you bear responsibility for the setup. Tell DP to grow a pair and get on public transport to see his child. Then stay the hell out of any arrangements that are made until the child in question feels comfortable enough to come to you.

Blaming non-contact with a child/children on not being able to drive is fucking pitiful.

Scatterbee - I've had a look on some of your other threads.

I'll give you a piece of constructive advice.

Concentrate on your own DD and improving your relationship with her so that she wants to spend time with you when you have access to her and leave your partner to worry about his kids.

Put your own child first and let the rest of them sort themselves out.

StewieGriffinsMom - didn't think of that, but surely someone would give you a lift once a fortnight to see your kids for a few hours in a contact centre?

In fact, the most it would be would be once a month as the OP would be available the other weekend?

I think the OP is shifting her worry about not seeing her own child as much as she would like and focussing on the DP's access arrangements as a distraction.

What's the name for that? I can't remember.

That's it!! Thank you!

"He doesnt want the email "secret" he just doesnt want the ex helping them write, because well bluntly we think she will not let them, and will instead say they dont want to. If they could do it on their own then we think the responses would be freer. School was asked but they would not facilitate it."

a-ha!! found it! i KNEW i had read this little gem somewhere...thought on the other thread,but no,here it is!! you asked the school!!???

IloveTIFFANY - I know! I was flabbergasted too. Can you believe that they actually asked the SCHOOL to facilitate SECRET CONTACT BEHIND THE BACK OF THE MOTHER WHO IS THE PARENT WITH CARE/RESIDENCE??

This thread (and the other one) just beggars belief.

Lets get this straight.

A father.

Leaves his wife for another woman who doesn't have custody or indeed from what we have been told access to her own child.

One of the children HE gets a DNA test on, it isn't his so he removes his name from the birth certificate and doesn't pay any maintenance for that child but still wants contact as if it was his child without any of the responsibility.

They then move a whole 25 miles away and the partner doesn't drive.

There is a court order with regard to access in place but the partner cannot be bothered and just tells the ex-wife "tough" he's not going to bother with the court ordered access.

He wants a secret email account which the ex-wife who is the childrens MOTHER doesn't have access to.

He wants a webcam on in HIS EX-WIFE'S HOUSE for extended periods of time to watch his child/ren. Since he's now working from home with computers.

But the OP works one weekend in four so she can't facilitate access which takes place at a contact centre.

He sounds like a right charmer.

Appearing on Jeremy Kyle..

Of course it's upsetting when your dc don't want to talk to you and you only see them once a month. But you suck it up and deal with it beause you are a grown up.

Of course it's upsetting when you can only see them twice a month and you turn up and they don't want to see you. But you make damn sure you are there regardless, whatever it takes to get there. So they know you are serious and aren't going to abandon them like you did their mum and so they can stat to trust you when you say you'll be there and love them no matter what.

Your OH needs to start focusing on how his dc must be feeling. What kind of hell he has put them through, and how he can prove to them he won't abandon them and actually loves and cares about them.
He has no right to be 'too upset' to be a parent and fulfill his responsibilities. You think his ex wasn't upset when he left her for you? And when you/he insisted that his name was removed from ds2's birth certificate and refusal to pay maintenance. Yes you can make excuses about how he's not the parent and the biodad was becominginvolved. But the reality is that child has been rejected by his dad. The only dad he has ever known till now. And at 5 is just meant to get on with it and be happy to chat with his 'no longer dad' dad!?

His ex is getting on with being a parent in difficult circumstances. She has no choice in the matter and on top of all that is having to deal with his/your unreasonable demands.

He is being a selfish twunt, thinking only of his wants, how hard it is for him, and blaming his ex for the results of his choices and behaviour. He left his family. He has to accept that means he has to make the effort to see them and that he won't have intimate access to their lives (via webcam) any more. That was a choice he took when he left. He might not have chosen to leave his dc, but that is the reality of his choice to leave his ex. He can't have one without the other. And boohoo he's upset that he doesn't see them any more, but he moved away and can't get there without your help. Oh please...

I have posted on your other thread about My opinion on whether he is being unreasonable. He IS BVVVU

No one here has said anything different to that. Is he listening yet? Or are you waiting till someone tells you what you/he want to hear before giving him the verdict?

YABU

All the other issues aside, the last thing you want to be doing is encouraging kids to exclude one of their parents from something. You are on very dodgy ground as it is VITAL that at 5 and 7 children know that nothing should be kept a secret from Mum or dad and this is even more important when it comes to email accounts - the internet is great but can be very dangerous too.

My sk's Mum is "hostile" and won'y allow them to email or text. This is upsetting for the kids and they have suggested a "secret" email account but we have said no. Harsh as it sounds they need to learn to be able to talk to Mum about what they want and need, and by encouraging them to keep secrets from her, we would be sending the message that it works both ways.

As for the webcam - totally unacceptable. He needs to speak to them in short bursts and build up over time. Young kids do soon get bored with telephone contact, but he is the adult and needs to deal with that.

OK, i get that maybe it was an unreasonable request.

To answer some points:

Yes i was the OW. However, both my ex and his have new partners, so not sure why there should be any issue about this now. It was a while ago, and really needs to be moved on from. Yes it was not nice, and no i am not proud of it, but its happened, we love each other and will be staying together.

Ex wont agree to swap weekends so that i can do the 2 weeks. DP cannot get to exs via public transport. Once his driving ban finishes he will obviously be able to go himself. His family all live miles away.

Yes he chose to have a DNA test true, but im not sure he really thought it would come back negative. He wanted to be able to show the child really was his. Everything else snowballed from there. No he does not pay maintenance for either child, but he used to buy clothes, presents for them etc and fund them when they were with him, and will continue to do so for both DC.

He now sees them via a contact centre because of all the hassle going on. Even now though 1 or both will not always stay. I believe this is because there is too long between visits.

Yes i am trying to help him push this. I barely have contact with my daughter and it is heartbreaking. She has systamatically been turned against me, I left her with my ex because i believed it was best for her. I dont want DP to end up without contact with his kids.

School was asked about the children having access to the email account via school, not necessarily keeping secret from mum, but the school helping them to access, read and reply. They have declined as it is a "domestic matter". Fair enough.

So what else can he suggest:
Emails which his ex can go through? Think this just allows her to make sure they do not reply. So how do we get round that?
Web cam - set times & set durations? How can this be made to work?
Other ideas?

There is no 'we' in getting round this right now. You need to let DP deal with it. You can be involved at a later stage. Your involvement right now is a hindrance only, you won't be able to help.

And why is public transport not an answer?

Webcam for a set time would be a decent compromise, but DP will have to put in the effort, he can't just decide because it's too much hard work, he won't keep up with it. But seriously, do not get involved with the contact right now. If you really want to help DP, stay away from these arrangements, and tell him to get a backbone and some testicles.

Can't believe the school was approached. So very much out of order.

Sorry to be harsh, but it seems appropriate.

Oh shit he has a DRIVING BAN!!! What for? (Asking because if it was drink/drugs related as the ex I'd hit the roof)

Secondly, I thought you said the contact was in a contact centre? These are usually in towns/villages so are accessible by public transport.

He is seeing them in a contact centre, he needs to be there come hell or high water every single time he's supposed to be there - you can't let small children down.

One of the kids isn't his, he's sent a clear message to that child that he no longer considers himself his father. That is so damaging for that child.

You should focus on your own daughter and step away from this and let your partner deal with this issue.

How many times do you have to be told that he isn't going to get a webcam? How many times do you have to be told that small children aren't going to be able to email or even speak on the phone without input from their mother?

Can't you see that everyone on this thread is trying to give you advice as to what to do?

You are being unreasonable asking for the webcam.

You are being unreasonable asking for the "secret" emails.

If the kids don't turn up/don't reply your partner, as the adult, needs to keep trying regardless of whether they do or not. The kids need to know that he loves them unconditionally and unfortunately his actions to date don't show that.

Best idea I have is that your partner gets his arse in gear and sticks to the arrangements that have been ordered by the court, stops threatening his ex-wife and grows up and puts the kids first.

Oh and it isn't about whether YOU want your partner to end up with no contact with his kids.

YOU are totally and utterly irrelevant in this.

Your PARTNER needs to sort this and you need to step away.

There doesn't need to be any other contact as he's got the contact the court have allocated him. He's not even being offered more. If he were then court would order it

Have court told him to go away and 'think of something'?!

ILoveTIFFANY - from my reading of the thread, he's been offered once every two weeks but isn't even taking that up because it's too "difficult" for him as he has a driving ban and can't get to the contact centre and is incapable of getting a bus to the contact centre or a taxi.

Here's a thought.

Howzabout he uses the maintenance he ISN'T paying for the child he has disowned and gets a taxi?