AIBU to not be "grateful" enough to DH?

[Sleeplesssister]

OK so I know I am being a spoiled brat but I figure I probably need to get flamed on here in order to get a grip. Have one DD, aged 8 months. Love her to bits but have been debating for ages about whether to go back to work part time. My old job was working for an investment bank however so although I could maybe do 4 days a week they will be long days, with DD in a nursery from 8am until 6pm. Have therefore decided to stay at home and not return to work. Don't need to go back to work, husband has a well paid job and we could manage financially on just his salary. But I have been a bit grumpy about the idea of staying at home, and as a result I've been moaning a bit to my DH, who is working v long hours (not back till 8pm at the earliest). He reckons I need to realise how lucky I am and be more appreciative of the long hours he is putting in to support us (he is hell bent on private schools for DD). I'm feeling a bit lonely stuck at home with DD and have not made many mum friends yet. DH is giving me the cold shoulder for the last 3 days because I've been grumpy. Sad about giving up my career but also can't bear the idea of leaving DD for that many days a week. Why is it so hard? I'm a spoilt so and so I know. Took me bloody ages to get pregnant as well...

you have a choice

That is amazing

most women don't have a real choice about whether to be at home or work ...

If you aren't enjoying it, then get a job or embrace being a SAHM and get out there, meet other mums - am sure there are lots of groups and activities near you

have you been to any nurseries or CMs? My DS was in a FABULOUS nursery and now I have a second we have a wonderful nanny

childcare needn't and often isn't awful IME and IMO

OK, so would he consider himself to be "lucky" if you suggested him giving up a rewarding job to be a SAHD?

I know BluudyMoFo, DD is a crap napper but i have just started getting out and about a bit more. Just feel a bit like the new girl at school, I make a crap first impression as well, come across as a real know it all, but I'm a seething mass of insecurity underneath...

It's the old lack of balance thing isn't it? We have that. Your DH's job presumably isn't the kind that allows him to go part time? You've both got too much of one thing. I am in the same boat.

If I were you, I would look at something completely different. Maybe get a part-time job for just a few hours so that you don't feel so bad about your baby going to a nursery. Or find something which you can do from home.

The finding friends thing is also so important because it is so much more fun looking after little ones with someone else. Especially when they are babies. I remember being very lonely with my first when she was a baby. Took a few years to build up a social life but it makes a huge difference. EVen one friend that you really like would make a huge difference wouldn't it?

The big thing I think though is that it sounds like your DH has absolutely NO IDEA what your life is like now. It's not like you are having a break from work and you can do what you like. You are looking after another human being every minute. Does he ever look after your baby? What is the longest time he has ever done it?

I can understand how you feel. Although I was a SAHM for 7 years in the end, I found it very difficult and rather boring at the beginning. I had to join some things and find other people to spend part of the day with. Then as my DSs got older, I found them lovely people to be with too!

So now I look back - sons now 18 and 21 - and am so pleased that I spent that time with them. It is such a short time in a whole long life.

Yep - get a different job. What did you do bc? Maybe we can come up with some ideas for you!

I do have DD on the waiting list for nurseries, but because I have an hours commute to work it would be a very long day for DD. DH is against a nanny because according to him that would just be "outsourcing" bringing up our children (his words, not mind, don't kick off). I know that having a choice is amazing, which is why I need a good kicking to get that message into my thick skull, and get out there and start enjoying the fact that I have an amazing DD and a great life, instead of being such a bloody moaner.

When I was pg we did have a discussion about whether I would give up work, DH claims he would be willing to, but I'm not sure he really means it, and he has now just started a new job and reckons that stopping now would be career suicide for him...

I think you are being grumpy about nothing! You are very lucky to have the freedom to decide what to do. You have decided to stay at home with your child and now you're miserable. Buck up, woman!

< strikes up the tiny violin >

I think there is so much pressure to at least say that you just LOVE being at home with your kids. Frankly I think that much of the time it is a truly dreadful job. I have gone to work for a charity 2 days per week just as an escape valve and it means I now feel less trapped at home and can really enjoy my children and the time I have with them.
It doesn't have to be all one way or the other. A bit of balance is a marvellous thing.

Thanks all. I am a lawyer, and my husband has a high pressure job in government, so no hope of any life balance for either of us really if we both go back to work. Too much of one thing indeed. I am however a fairly rare breed of lawyer because pre DD I actually enjoyed my job. But I can't bear the thought of leaving her for that long for 4 days a week, and with DH working 12 hours days it just does not seem fair on her. So think I need to step away from my job and get over myself, realise how lucky I am and maybe look at going back to work when she starts school, in something completely different. I'm encouraged by stories of making friends, feel like such a billy no mates at the moment. Going to sign DD up for activities starting in May with a vengeance, to avoid that sinking feeling when you wake up and have nothing to do that day...

Oh dear.

Did you not think (as a couple) about how you would care for dd before you had her, when you both work such long hours?

In your position I would have forked out for an absolutely top notch nanny.

(not particularly helpful, I know )

I agree it takes years to build up a social life with your first baby, I didn't really feel like I had properly got there until DD1 started school. But persevere, baby groups etc can be deathly boring but if you make a real effort and try a few different ones you are bound to meet some people you like. IMO it only takes finding a couple of people with kids of similar age who you get along with and all of a sudden life becomes a lot more fun.

Don't know what your local Surestart centre is like but ours is brilliant and they are really keen on getting mums to meet other mums there.

I have a dd who is nearly 8 months and I couldn't contemplate leaving her in a nursery for 40 hours a week. I know others have to or have no problem with it but I just couldn't. I would say have a final push at making a real effort to find some other mums to be friends with before making the decision.

YANBU: why should you be grateful to have a choice? Why do you have to make the choice? Why not your DH? Why should you just have to accept this and hope you make friends eventually? I am gob smacked TBH. This is a serious issue and you have serious concerns.

If you have "rare" or marketable skills could you not work at home? That way, your DD could go to nursery but with shorter days and you could work. Or, could you try to find a job closer to home?

I agree with the others- there is a broad spectrum between working full time 12 hours a day, and being stuck at home. You don't need to wait until your children are at school, there is nothing to stop you getting out there and finding a different job, where you can enjoy a healthy balance. Many of us wouldn't enjoy being home 24/7- nothing wrong with that. You are in the fortunate position of being able to choose what you do' as money isn't an issue, so look at a job which will suit your needs for now

Give it a go - hopefully it will be enough. If not, I highly recommend volunteering one or two days per week.
Your daughter will get a lot out of a bit of time at nursery, you feel good about yourself, you meet new people closer to home and you get a bit of adult time. I found it completely shifted my attitude.

Whereabouts are you? There might be some local MNers who are looking for mates...

Bibbity - often the idea is totally different to the reality. No one tells you when your pregnant that you will spend endless days sitting at home feeling miserable and bitter and then feeling guilty about it (and I guess not everyone does). But it's just not something you plan for!

I don't see how getting a nanny is outsourcing your parenting but putting DD in a nursery isn't?

You are lucky to have a choice and I agree with the posters who say you should count your blessings, but at the same time it's not that easy a choice to make, I know. When making it, don't forget that it's not just about current situations like your social life at home or the immediate difficulties in sorting out childcare; it's also about your career longer-term and your earning prospects as a household, and financial independence individually.

OP do you think you might be a bit 'grass is greener' about it at the mo?

you are making the sacrifice of your job for your child. You have made this decision and are prepared to carry it though but I think you feel that your DH could be a bit more understanding of what you are giving up. He gets a family and a career, you get a family. It is not quite the same.

Whilst I felt lucky to be able to stay at home with my children, it was also deeply boring and bloody hard work, especially at the beginning.

We did talk about it when I got pg, but clearly not enough. DH asked me if i'd like the option of staying at home and I said yes, but I thought it was just that, an option, that i would see how i felt and whether DD would be ok in a nursery, and that in any event I would try and negotiate part time work and would be the one responsible for pick ups and drop offs. Because i said i would like the option of staying at home, he interpreted that as meaning that he should carry on working full time, and took a new job which is seriously hard core in terms of the hours he puts in. For two people who are paid to communicate, we really messed it up. Got to go in and resign next week. I'll keep going on the making friends front, feel like a bit of a stalker at some of the baby groups.

DH did say something the other day which really wound me up, he reckons that women who work when financially they don't have to are selfish and should put the need of their children first. Made me feel rotten.

Sleepless, i TOTALLY get you. I ended up getting myself made redundant as they couldn't offer PT hours in M&A (Big 4) and i really didn't want to work FT (read 60+hr weeks). Equally, i just can't look after my children 24/7, it just isn't me. I miss the working me.

I have now set up on my own doing M&A consulting stuff. I work with a Lawyer who also does PT. Are you in Corporate Law? If so, PM me and i will have a word with my Lawyer friend to see if she has any suggestions?