AIBU to not be "grateful" enough to DH?

[Sleeplesssister]

OK so I know I am being a spoiled brat but I figure I probably need to get flamed on here in order to get a grip. Have one DD, aged 8 months. Love her to bits but have been debating for ages about whether to go back to work part time. My old job was working for an investment bank however so although I could maybe do 4 days a week they will be long days, with DD in a nursery from 8am until 6pm. Have therefore decided to stay at home and not return to work. Don't need to go back to work, husband has a well paid job and we could manage financially on just his salary. But I have been a bit grumpy about the idea of staying at home, and as a result I've been moaning a bit to my DH, who is working v long hours (not back till 8pm at the earliest). He reckons I need to realise how lucky I am and be more appreciative of the long hours he is putting in to support us (he is hell bent on private schools for DD). I'm feeling a bit lonely stuck at home with DD and have not made many mum friends yet. DH is giving me the cold shoulder for the last 3 days because I've been grumpy. Sad about giving up my career but also can't bear the idea of leaving DD for that many days a week. Why is it so hard? I'm a spoilt so and so I know. Took me bloody ages to get pregnant as well...

Sleepless are you SURE you want to give up work right now? how about finding a fabulous nanny (your DH, by the way, is an arse for the comment about outsourcing, and also for giving you the cold shoulder over this), taking up your promotion and giving it up to eg 3 months, 6 months, a year?

you might get back to work and just love it again and if you have a great nanny (don't do nursery if you can afford not to, not with your work hours) then you may find that it all falls into place.

if after 3 /6 /12 months you are falling apart not being at home all day with DD, then fine, think again.

Giving up your job now will make it very difficult to reverse if you find that being SAHM is not all that. Also, if you go back with a promotion, you may find you can have more say over shaping your role to enable more flexible working (appreciate talking about law firm here and this is not v likely).

Whatever you decide, good luck. and give your DH a metaphorical kick up the arse - does he do the cold shoulder often?

Try a nanny for now.

If it doesn't work out then you can change things later. You've just been promoted, your dh isn't talking to you because you're not grateful enough. Go back to work 4 days a week and get a great nanny for them. Best of both worlds. You won't be bored and isolated and therefore you'll have much more fun with your baby and you'll both appreciate each other vastly.

This is not hte time to give up a very good career where you are obviously respected. Moreover, your dh won't have to worry so much about supporting you and so won't need to worry about the degree of gratitude you feel towards him. Your combined salaries will easily pay for a nanny and probably private school when the time comes.

If you are a lawyer I am sure you don't take punishment professionally in the way you are taking it from your DH!

Your opinion is just as valid as his. When you're isolated from other adults it can shake your confidence in your own opinion in things so be clear about what you want and what you think is best and believe that it is reasonable and rational. If that is returning to work right now in some form then that is OK and your child will not grow another head. I promise.

FWIW I agree with others that whilst you are at home with babies getting into the parent circuit pays dividends, even if hauling out feels like a marathon. If money isn't an issue you can join all the baby yoga/baby signing/baby swimming classes - some will be preposterous but some you might enjoy and you'll meet lots of other people in the process.

Chin up x

So:

He doesn't want to use a nanny.
He thinks that women who can afford to stay home should stay home, and if they don't, they are selfish.
He refuses to contemplate leaving his job.
You had recently been promoted, and loved your job.

And yet he believes that you should be grateful for the opportunity to stay at home, and if you aren't, he won't speak to you for an entire week.

So basically, he's not only manipulated you into staying home, but also into pretending that you love it and are grateful to him.

So DH going to work is fine but you going to work is "outsourcing" having kids?. I wouldn't feel grateful to hear that, I'd feel homicidal PResuming you could leave off your salary alone, why don't you suggest to himt hat dads who work when they don't have to are selfish and should put the needs of their children first.

If you were in IB, can you switch to the industry you specialised in where maybe the hours would be less? Also it's surprising even within indsutries which are not notoirisosly child frendly if you just annouce what you need to do to go back to work rather than beg and ask for permission how it sometimes can happen (I managed to go 4 days in an M&A role which everyone told me was "impossible" )

YANBU

Get a nanny. Go to work if that's what will make you happy.

I was in an identical position to you. I loved working as a lawyer but the hours are too much. And although I could have reduced them, there's still quite a lot of grind that goes with working in a law firm, and much as I enjoy the work and - I'll admit it - the prestige that goes with working in a profession, I didn't want to have to put up with the downside while my children were so young.

I became a trustee of a charity - voluntary work isn't just about making tea at the local hospital or helping out in a local shop, although you might find you enjoy that, as it is probably quite sociable. But it was really good to spend 4 or 5 hours a week using my business/professional skills, and for a good cause. Try looking at volunteering websites, they will list charities that are looking for trustees in your area, and you could also go for a national charity based in London. There are always vacancies.

And if you do need time for yourself - whether for voluntary work, studying, whatever - don't feel bad about using childcare for a couple of days a week. You have worked hard and are entitled to reap the rewards of your hard work, and if sitting at home all day isn't making you happy, use your fortunate position of being financially secure and well-educated to make yourself a fulfilling life as a stay-at-home mum. It doesn't have to be all nappies and playgroups!

OP I'm thinking don't resign. See if you can negotiate going back 2 or 3 days a week or even staying with the firm on an unpaid 'career break' with time set aside to keep up with training/developments etc.
Its a lot easier to negotiate this when you first go back from maternity leave than later because of legal stuff about flexible working for returning mums.
Even if it means dc is in a nursery for those 2 days it wont do the baby any harm and could do you, your marriage and your career a power of good. I know there is that biological pull to be with the baby and the expectation from DH but very soon the baby will grow up and not need you quite so much.
You could cope by getting more help at home with the cleaning/laundry/shopping/chauffering and boring stuff.
The thing is I think if you can keep a foot in the door then do so. But thats just me.

Agree that you shouldn't resign yet if you're having big doubts, which you clearly are. You can always resign later - remember that, if you resign and regret it, it'll be a hell of a lot harder to get a job (esp part time) further down the line than it is to just ask for part time work now in your current role.

Why not give part time a try and see how it goes? If it doesn't work out, simply resign then. If nothing else, you might feel happier about being a SAHM than if you hadn't given it a try.

As for your DH, that's another issue entirely. But don't let his bizarre views on nannies and his expectations of gratitude cloud your feelings. Sort the job first, then the DH.

Sleepless, I think resigning from your job is a mistake - can you delay doing that for now.

You need to get to the bottom of what your DH really thinks your and his roles ought to be, and be sure you are absolutely happy with that before you sign away your independence.

Why does he think women are selfish for going out to work? Why does he not think this applies to men?

Putting your DD's needs first also means not exposing her to this sort of attitude about a "woman's place"

Why did he marry a high-flying lawyer when he wanted a stay-at-home wife who would be "grateful" for his providing. You don't have to be grateful when you can do this yourself.

Why does he think you should give up your career when he will not contemplate giving up his?

I think you need answers to these questions before you take any hasty decisions about your career/place in the family etc.

God yes don't resign in fit of panic!!

Funny person is totally right. And your work obviously value you if they've just promoted you.

PLEASE do not do anything rash right now.

Why not try a nanny and see how it works out, easier to try WORKING and find it doesn't suit you, than to resign and be "stuck".

Not wishing to come over all Xenia here but there is a lot to consider if you give up your career now.

Your husband's career will continue to flourish as he will have a nanny/housekeeper from now on won't he ? Everything home/child related may well become your reponsibility.

Essentially, he gets to minimise his guilt about using childcare to enable him to continue working long hours furthering his career and earning power because he has guilt-tripped his wife into being that childcare.

You are being way too reasonable about the financial sacrifice you are making in the long term. At the very least ask him to ensure that pension contributions will still be made for you out of joint income (as far as they can be if you are not working outside the home).

It's a shame that he has recently started a new job as otherwise if he is a prized member of staff you could have asked him to consider requesting dropping his working to a 4 day week so that he could provide some of the childcare. If you too managed a 4 day week or possibly a 3 day week in the long run, even if it means changing jobs then your dd will only be spending 2 or 3 days a week in a nursery or at home with a nanny.

Looking after your dd one day a week would also help him appreciate that it is not an easy option that one's spouse should be instantly and eternally grateful to have been offered !

Whatever you do, make sure it is YOUR choice.

My father forced my mother to give up her job to be at home for the children. Result is she is the strongest advocate to my sister and I NEVER to give up our jobs and our financial independence. I hardly saw my father at all (since he was enabled to work and have lots of leisure time without the family). He did no housework at all. My father had affairs and my mother was trapped with us. She was bored and unhappy. My father had the same attitude that being at home was the cushy option and my mother should have been so grateful.

So ... make sure you go in with your eyes open. Make sure YOU want it.

"DH did say something the other day which really wound me up, he reckons that women who work when financially they don't have to are selfish and should put the need of their children first."

whaaaat?

My god, I'd be fuming. So what's his view of men who work when financially they don't have to? Selfish too?

Anyway, leaving that aside, YANBU.

I suggest you take the 4 day option, find a good nanny (maybe advertise for anyone who wants to do a nanny share?) and see how it goes. It may not be as stressful as you think, and you may well enjoy the non-baby time. If it's dreadful, resign then.

As for other options - look into Axiom Law and Lawyers on Demand, who have a roster of lawyers they give out "parcels" of work to - not part time in the traditional sense, but might allow you to keep your hand in.

It sounds like you feel trapped in a way a lot of mums are, however, you fortunately have the choice which is great but perhaps you should look at broadening the possibilities. After having two DSs 14 months apart and struggling with the monotony of the routine a stay at home mum faces, I started a part time job where I work from home. It is brilliant and works so well for me. The boys go the the morning session at nursery and then a childminder has them for my work days. I couldn't have returned to my old advertising jobs as it would have been very long hours for not a brilliant wage. Perhaps you could look at mixing up the childcare to include nursery days as well as a nanny so that DD can be at home earlier.

I am in a very similar position to you except I now have 2 DCs. I think you shouldn't resign but instead should employ a nanny and try and negotiate shorter working hours. Your bosses obviously like you because of your recent promotion so will probably do what they can to keep you.

If it doesn't work out you still have the option to resign or your DH could. If it does work out then you still have the career you love and have worked hard for. You DD will still be getting great care and you will value the time you spend with her more because you are not trapped by being at home alone all the time.

Loads of fantastic advice on this thread for you Sleepless. FWIW I agree with those who say it might not be a good plan to resign now. You can do points 2-4 on your list without actually resigning.

I know its an old cliche but children grow up so fast. The baby that you may find difficult to entrust into someone else's care will become a toddler, then a preschooler, then a primary school child before you know it. At some point in this timeline you may find that you feel happier to use childcare than you do now.

My son loves preschool and nursery, I work PT but he goes to preschool every morning anyway because he loves it!! He will soon be at school. If I had given up my career totally I personally would be gutted watching him skip off to school / preschool and not being able to do the job I love and hang on to my own financial independance.

Its such a balancing act, with no rights and wrongs. I guess what I am saying is that your DD will change, your feelings towards leaving her may change and it would be a shame to burn your bridges!!

Sorry, I cant be bothered to read thro all the replies you've had,(so I dont know all of whats already been said)- but I dont think you sound like a spoilt brat and I dont think you should be persuaded to go back to work if you dont want/need to.

Its hard work staying at home with kids, as you're experiencing. You'll get into a rythym tho, then it gets easier. Yr DC also needs you.

Yes we do have to work, and send kids to CM and thats ok, but if i didnt have to I wouldnt. Or I would do a nice little child friendly PT time job or voluntary.

Partners just need to understand each others POV, thats all.

What Dollius said.

A lot of your DH's behaviour & statements should be ringing some major alarm bells.

Are you really prepared to become a 'surrendered wife'? Because it sounds as though that is what he wants.

Those hours seem very long now, when your daughter is still so young. But in a year things will be very different.

For a start, I would INSIST that your DH takes a couple of days leave and spends some time in sole charge of your DD. If you are goingto have a hope in hell of sorting this out he needs to understand exactly what 'staying at home with a baby' all day means. It sounds to me as though he thinks it will be a pleasant whirl of gingham, cupcakes and mixing his martini for him as he walks through the door.

You already know what it is like to work in a high powered and fairly stressful job, so you will be able to offer him the kind of support he needs. For that support to be returned by him, he needs to know what YOUR life is going to be like now.

I'd be seriously considering my future with a man who treated me like that, sorry.

What an arse.

Do not resign. There has to be another way.

How will you feel in 10 years time when he's built himself a fabulous career and you're having to apply for jobs that are way below your capability, because you're out of the loop thanks to your partner and his ridiculous opinions?

It would be bad enough if you had the kind of mediocre career I have - but you're a lawyer ffs!

Tell him you are going back full time and he can choose to be a SAHD or get a nanny and he should think himself very lucky indeed to have the choice

Your DH sounds like a sexist twat TBH.

I'm sure he's working really hard and it's great that he's earning enough to 'keep you' - but that doesn't mean so much if you're miserable.

get a nanny (ridiculous what he said!) and go back to work three or four days a week. you need to keep your financial independence and self worth.

your husband may one day leave you/have an accident/get long term sick/die and you would be left high and dry. whereas you have a good profression and can keep your career going on part time basis.

Its a tricky one. I find myself a bit jealous as I have had to go back to work recently two days a week to pay the mortgage (my DD is just 12 months) and I would love to be a SAHM. My daughter is in a nursery and extremely happy there.

However, in reality I think giving it up entirely would be more difficult than I probably realise and keeping my career ticking over for two days per week until I am able to commit more is probably ideal, so I do feel for you. It would be very hard to get back into so much later.

Have you considered doing some freelance work. I have lots of mummy friends who worked in the investment banking sector and some are now freelancing for clients/old contacts so that they can keep careers going and work a few days a week. Other friends in that sector are swapping their 12 hour day high pressure jobs for more low key roles. It seems that companies who wouldnt have considered part timers a few years ago are now keen to get experienced skills in exchange for paying part time salaries. Perhaps a call to a few recruitment agencies.