AIBU to not be "grateful" enough to DH?

[Sleeplesssister]

OK so I know I am being a spoiled brat but I figure I probably need to get flamed on here in order to get a grip. Have one DD, aged 8 months. Love her to bits but have been debating for ages about whether to go back to work part time. My old job was working for an investment bank however so although I could maybe do 4 days a week they will be long days, with DD in a nursery from 8am until 6pm. Have therefore decided to stay at home and not return to work. Don't need to go back to work, husband has a well paid job and we could manage financially on just his salary. But I have been a bit grumpy about the idea of staying at home, and as a result I've been moaning a bit to my DH, who is working v long hours (not back till 8pm at the earliest). He reckons I need to realise how lucky I am and be more appreciative of the long hours he is putting in to support us (he is hell bent on private schools for DD). I'm feeling a bit lonely stuck at home with DD and have not made many mum friends yet. DH is giving me the cold shoulder for the last 3 days because I've been grumpy. Sad about giving up my career but also can't bear the idea of leaving DD for that many days a week. Why is it so hard? I'm a spoilt so and so I know. Took me bloody ages to get pregnant as well...

What kind of lawyer are you? Have you thought about the PSL option? It's not ideal as there's no real career progression but does keep your hand in and can normally be done part-time (I work 4 days a week fixed hours and do all pick-ups and drop-offs).

Get a nanny, go back part time. I bet you will love it.

I have totally surprised myself by enjoying being back at work part time (even though I work in a shit-hours, unpredictable industry). I hear what you're saying on the nursery front- juggling the end of the day bit is a nightmare for us, as we both work later than the childminder does. If we could afford a nanny (which I assume you can as you can afford not to work at all), it would be bliss.

There is nothing wrong with enjoying your career and wanting to progress, even if you are a mother . Too often it's assumed that mothers only work because they have to. I do have to, but have also rediscovered the joy- yes, the joy- of going to work. Whole swathes of my life/personality which hadn't been attended to for months. And working part time can be the perfect balance.

Some women love being full time SAHMs. But if you want to continue your career (much like your husband wants to further his own) there is nothing wrong with that.

First of all, just want to say this is one of the best AIBU threads I've seen - all great heart felt comments and no bitchiness! (it's all very un-MN isn't it?!! )

totally agree with the great advice above - don't give up your job because you feel you have to for your husband. You married him (I hope!) because he is a good man - despite his recent comments? So, there is hope you can sort this out with him.

I am in North London close to A1 and M1, have a car, and would be very happy to meet up if that works for you - my DS is 8 months too. (also have 5 yr old DD) I worked in the City for nearly 8 yrs, including 3 years after I returned from 1st maternity leave when I worked 4 full days a week. We had a lovely childminder (may be a happy medium to consider between nursery or nanny?) who cared for DD from 8 -6. As a result DD made loads of really good friends, and did loads of activities and stuff we would never have done if I'd been a SAHM with her.

DO NOT allow yourself to be bullied into a decision - BY ANYONE!! (sorry for shouting but I feel very passionately about that) That way lies all sorts of bad feelings, which would be terrible for you, your DD and your relationship.

Do get out and about. Join clubs (why wait til May by the way?), make a habit of smiling at other mums you see in your area, and strike up a conversation with those you think you'd like to know better. Sure, some of them may not turn into friends, but if you stay positive some will. And don't worry about being a know-it-all - I've always got all the answers but somehow have managed to build up a mummy circle of friends!

i havent read all the comments. just wanted to say if you have an 8 month old, why do you need to resign next week? Are you on 4 months notice? and need to factor this in? Just seems like you have a lot to think about and was just wondering whether next week was a real deadline or not.

Good luck with your decision!

Yes I second what lateatwork says. When my baby was a few months old (and up until recently- she's 13 months now) I had some rather wild kneejerk thoughts about work and life- was convinced I wanted a total career change etc. I also freaked out about childcare and as a result plumped in haste for an option which is fab in many ways but not ideal in others. Now I see things a little more clearly and am glad that none of my inner ramblings had too big a permanent impact.

Not that I had lost my mind and I'm not saying you have lost yours... just that having a small baby is so bloody intense and overwhelming, sometimes it's hard to see things clearly, and if I could go back and give my new-mum self one bit of advice it would be to stop. And breathe. And think before making big judgements and decisions.

You have a bit of time. Play with it.

I agree with the majority of comments on this thread, and think resigning at this point would be a mistake. It will be so much harder to make an informed choice about what will be best for you long term unless you have tried going back, maybe part time.

Work isn't just about the financial side of things, it is also about how you feel about yourself as a person, your identity. Your confidence to get back into the workplace will diminish after a while if you stay home with only a baby for company and a husband who seems to think you should be happy just changing nappies all day!

Sorry but I am quite shocked at his sexist attitude, especially saying he can't take time off his career because it will affect his long term prospects. Has he no concern for your working life? Your child will not need 24 hour care forever, then what will you be left with?

Think very carefully before making any rash decisions, and good luck!

haven't read the whole thread but looks like there are some good suggestions here. In terms of getting your DH to understand where you are coming from a bit more, could he take a few days off and be a SAHD while you deliberately absent yourself so he HAS to do it all? It might just give him a bit of an idea of what your days are like and why you might want to return to work. If you are a lawyer then I can totally see how you would find the SAHM thing not exactly stimulating on a full time basis. I went back to work after a year only 2 days a week and wished very quickly I had gone back sooner for more days - I just feel more like me - but ny days are a little shorter 8-5. I would second the idea of a nanny - sounds like you could afford a really good one who would be in your home doing things the way you want them - for which there is a lot to be said!

Your H sounds like a pompous, sexist, unreasonable arse. He's the problem, not the decision whether to work. Why should you compromise when he won't? Tell him it's a nanny or bust. And think about your long term future with your H.

Very few things make me as angry as your H's attitude.

"DH is against a nanny because according to him that would just be "outsourcing" bringing up our children"

So he's basically forced you into a position of giving up your job when you clearly didn't want to, and now he expects you to be grateful?

Everyone has already said what I would have said, but another voice here to say get a nanny, go back to your job and see how it goes. You can always resign later if it turns out that that's what you really want. They obviously value you a lot: it's really rare to be promoted while you're on ML, especially as investment banks aren't exactly noted for being female-friendly, and that gives you a good starting point for negotiating part-time or flexible working.

I assume your DH has some good points, but it's a bit hard to guess from this thread what they might be. Seriously, he thinks that he's entitled to work long hours in a serious job, but you're "selfish" for wanting to carry on working? And now he's not talking to you because you've said that you'll miss the career you've worked hard for? I'd be beyond furious if my DH took that attitude.

I agree with not resigning but play the PT card far harder. I was in a slightly different situation, as i had already gone part time after DD1. When i went back after DD2 there were no appropriate roles and they made me redundant rather than me having to resign. I know i was protected by maternity rights for returning to an equivalent PT role, but don't give up everything so easily, even if you don't think you should stay.

YANBU. Haven't read the whole thread, but, my first reaction is - been there, done that - three kids later am deeply regretful.

Get a nanny, negotiate as hard as you can with work, go back. Tell DH this is the best way for you all to be happy.

Wish I had done the same.

There are always people who will tell you that you are 'lucky'. They think they want what you have. Ignore them. Only you know what you want.

Wish I had listened to myself.

I've read a bit more of this thread. I was beginning to get a bit weary of mumsnet but this has restored my faith.
Thanks op.

I'm not sure the OP's DH is actually being horrible, it's possible he thinks she really wants to be at home and is trying to be supportive of that by saying these things about women going to work! The big life change of having children may really only kick in for both of you now it is time to go back to work (or not). I'm another advocate of trying going back with a fab nanny, there are some lovely lovely people out there who are willing to love your daughter and look after her extremely well.

Why do you have to resign next week if your DD is only 8 months?

Are you not taking the full 52 weeks? Why not give yourself more time?

Have you discussed p/t, jobshare, half-days flexitime with your employer?

If your DP is earning so much then why cant you move closer to your work to cut the commute?

My DD went to a great childminder, which I was much happier with for an under-1 than a nursery (used for DS, happy for 2+) so I dont think you should just think its nanny vs nursery. Also it's your choice and if you want a nanny get one.

Cant your DP cut to 4 days?

Any news OP?

Yanbu at all. Being at home full-time can be hard.

I agree with those saying not to resign just yet - for now, just say you want the full 12 months mat leave.

It sounds like you're talking yourself into making the best of staying at home cos it's what your dh wants, and cos he won't compromise his working life, childcare preferences etc and won't ler you express your mixed feelings about being at home you can't see any other choice.

The main issue here seems to be your relationship with dh, am sure that the ladies in the relationships section of MN would have a lot to say about him!

IMO it's not a good sign if a man expects his partner to feel "lucky" and appreciate him.

His basic stance seems to be "do it my way, shut up and be grateful".

sleepless, what about men who work when they don't financially have to? Does he think they're selfish too?

Is there seriously no job you can do that would mean normal hours. Now, I don't know about law but am sure I have seen some MNers say they have got jobs in community law or something similar which meant they didn't have to work such long hours although the pay wasn't as good. Feel free to tell me I am talking rubbish, btw!

I had to continue to work when ds1 was born. Had no choice in the matter. I wept buckets when I left ds1 into the nursery for the first time. But although it was awful at the time, I am actually glad I continued to work. I have four children nowand still have a career and have made progress in that career. There is no way that would have happened if I had given up.

And you can afford a nanny? That is the BEST of childcare! Was your dh happy to "outsource" care to a nursery but not to a nanny?

It's not all black and white, working or not working. There is a lovely big grey area in between!

Your baby's at a gorgeous, "easy" age now (IME!) In the blink of an eye she'll be a tantrumming toddler and work will be your sanity (I was a SAHM with a toddler and nearly went crazy).

I second all the other posters - your DH's comments beggar belief. Don't chuck away your years of study and professional experience because of the chauvinistic garbage he spouts.

And give him sole charge of DD for at least two consecutive days - that'll learn him

OP, something I meant to say earlier is that if your DH's attitude is that you should be "grateful" to be able to stay at home, there's no way this can work.

In my (limited) experience, relationships where one partner stays at home to look after children work well if the partner with the paid job recognises and acknowledges that SAH is work, and often exhausting, thankless work, and not a life of lying around having grapes peeled for you by slaves. If there's any gratitude going, it needs to be two-way, because the WOH partner has to acknowledge that they couldn't go to work in the morning and get on with the job all day without the work that the SAH partner puts in at home.

Being cynical, it's a huge career advantage to have a SAH wife and never to have to worry about who's going to pick up the children. I bet your DH realises that and is seeing a nice easy future for himself.

I've been reading this thread with interest.

Probably going to get flamed for this....but why is the OP's dh being the bad guy here? It's being suggested that HE gives up his career to look after the baby. He's working long hours to support his family, is it so wrong that he wants his baby's mother to be around for their child?

Look...women have come a long way in the workplace BUT, rightly or wrongly, it's still the mother who does the lion's share of childcare in most cases, even if she had a good career before parenthood.

OP, working 4 long days when you can afford not to is a bit mad imo. Is there any possibility for you to job-share or work fewer days? If not, personally I would resign.

There is always another job round the corner but your baby is only small once, that's the way I see it. Feel free to disagree but I think if you have the chance to look after you baby you should take it. And (sorry) however good the childcare is, it's never as good as a mother at home. Even the most wonderful nanny won't love your child like you do. Don't mean to offend anyone, it's just my view.

My children are older now and we're busy with school/ballet/brownies/friends...lots of activities and running around. I would love to go back to the baby stage when the day was mine to do as I liked. It's an opportunity to take some time out. You say you haven't made any friends yet - whereabouts in Herts are you? I'm near Bushey. Have you found any local baby/toddler groups near you? Join the NCT? I'm presuming all your existing friends are working full-time so not available in the day?

Being at home with a baby doesn't have to be 'hard'. Hell, working in a highly-pressured job with a long commute is much harder imo. You'll find as your baby gets a bit older and starts doing more, you'll meet more people if that's important to you. I know it's a huge change but taking a career break to have a family is a positive thing. I've been at home nearly 10 years with my 3 and I don't regret it all. And I'm a bright, educated woman. I will go back eventually and will probably re-train to do something new which is exciting...but I feel lucky to have looked after my children myself.

OP, working 4 long days when you can afford not to is a bit mad imo

Dancergirl - with all due respect, that is YOUR opinion, and to those of us who do feel the need to work for our own sanity, that is downright rude. Yes, if she can get 2 or 3 days then that may be preferable, but to call wanting to work 'mad' is not nice

And for the record, i personally do not find being home with the dc's easier. Everyone has to make their own choices, and here the OP's DH is removing that which, IMO is wrong

Dancergirl - with all due respect, that is YOUR opinion, and to those of us who do feel the need to work for our own sanity, that is downright rude. Yes, if she can get 2 or 3 days then that may be preferable, but to call wanting to work 'mad' is not nice

It's not the wanting to work, it's the days/hours to which I was referring if you read my post again. The OP is already finding the idea of leaving her baby for so many days a wrench and I just think if you don't have to, then don't.

I hear time and time again from friends with older children/teenagers/grown up children who have left home to relish those early years and they wish they'd made more of them. It must be hard to look back and wish you'd spent more time with your children, you only have them for such a short time.

Work....people are working to an much older age these days, work can always be picked up when the children are older, you can re-train, do something new etc.

why don't you consider going back and giving the 4 days a try? if you are an investment banker surely you can afford a nanny instead of a nursery. and then if you give up later down the line you can at least tell yourself you made an informed choice rather than never knowing what it was like to work and have a child. 4 days sounds great to me - I always assumed investment banking was 100% or nothing.

It's quite unusual to give up these days after one baby - gets much harder with 2! - although if it's what you really want that's different - but it doesn't sound like you're sure. From there it will be easier to downsize your career if you still want to do something outside the home.

I think a lot of people are looking back wistfully with rose coloured glasses. I may be wrong but i am in the position of looking after 2 preschoolers and i can tell you the 5 days i do that are a damn sight harder than my working 2 days and i don't feel i need any more exposure.

Apologies if i read your post wrong, but i still think her husband's position is indefensible, saying she SHOULD be at home with their DD. He married a driven, intelligent, successful woman. It is unacceptable IMO to just tell her to give all that up.