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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not be "grateful" enough to DH?

188 replies

Sleeplesssister · 17/03/2011 21:16

OK so I know I am being a spoiled brat but I figure I probably need to get flamed on here in order to get a grip. Have one DD, aged 8 months. Love her to bits but have been debating for ages about whether to go back to work part time. My old job was working for an investment bank however so although I could maybe do 4 days a week they will be long days, with DD in a nursery from 8am until 6pm. Have therefore decided to stay at home and not return to work. Don't need to go back to work, husband has a well paid job and we could manage financially on just his salary. But I have been a bit grumpy about the idea of staying at home, and as a result I've been moaning a bit to my DH, who is working v long hours (not back till 8pm at the earliest). He reckons I need to realise how lucky I am and be more appreciative of the long hours he is putting in to support us (he is hell bent on private schools for DD). I'm feeling a bit lonely stuck at home with DD and have not made many mum friends yet. DH is giving me the cold shoulder for the last 3 days because I've been grumpy. Sad about giving up my career but also can't bear the idea of leaving DD for that many days a week. Why is it so hard? I'm a spoilt so and so I know. Took me bloody ages to get pregnant as well...

OP posts:

Petsville · 20/03/2011 20:11

I'm hugely relieved to see you haven't resigned yet! Let us all know what you decide - I really hope you find a solution that you feel comfortable with.

chipmonkey · 20/03/2011 20:16

Oh, Sleepless, don't know if anyone has said this but we use nursery and the one PITA about it is that if the children are sick, they can't attend whereas a nanny will still look after them. We are lucky in that MIL usually is available but if you don't have family support that could be an issue?

MissyKLo · 20/03/2011 20:20

You are doing the absolute right thing for your daughter being around in these young precious months and you are right to think that you being away for all those hours (as your dh is too) is unfair on your daughter when you can stay at home with her.

Find some tots groups to go to, baby music, baby signing, tumble tots etc - stuff to get you out of the house and places to meet other mums. Just remember that you are doing what is best for your baby and these precious young years are... Well, they are just that, precious! Enjoy them and be with your baby - she needs you. Being in a nursery from 8am till 6pm is definately NOT what she needs! My friend did that and she regrets it so so much and her daughter hated it. Your baby needs you! Start enjoying this time and remember how lucky you are to be able to do this

scottishmummy · 20/03/2011 20:35

you have choices and disposable income.whats your beef exactly?

playing housewife doesn't suit you, and by your own words makes you grumpy. so negotiate part time hours with some flexibility to finish and work at home on reports etc

yes you are lucky to be so solvent,and able to chose work or not

if you decide not to return,then get off internet and go attend some real life activities.yore not likely meet pals online. google classes and things to do. look at adverts in local area

and no 4days nursery isnt so bad,esp not if you chose wisely.so look at Ofsted site, consider few visits.ask around for recommendation from other parents

spidookly · 20/03/2011 20:40

"Being in a nursery from 8am till 6pm is definately NOT what she needs!"

Definitely?

FFS

BrandyAlexander · 20/03/2011 20:47

As many other very sensible posters have identified, this isn't about whether being a SAHM is the right thing to do or not, but its about whether a) it's the right thing for you and b) you and husband making a decision that makes you both happy and each feeling comfortable with that decision, whatever it may be.

Having said all of that, I am really very glad you haven't resigned. It doesn't sound like SAH would be the right thing for you and therefore not the right thing for your family. Also, your husband is being IMVHO a total arse about this and personally speaking there is no way that I would tolerate such sexist behaviour. If you're a lawyer in a investment bank then you are likely to have seen/heard about a lot of sexist behaviour in that industry, please don't tolerate it at home as it ultimately it will do you a lot more damage.

scottishmummy · 20/03/2011 20:53

dont make any hasty rash decisions.dont resign
write down pros/cons of each choice
dont let emotional hyperbole cloud your thinking
how will you re-enter job market when dd at school?
are there other ulterior motives making your dh so intractable?professional jealousy?
what discussion did you two have pre-baby did you know he thought nanny was "outsourcing"
given how govt and public sector jobs are squeezed at mo is he really that secure?

scottishmummy · 20/03/2011 21:05

work isnt only financial.it is approbation,and external stimulus.esp if you like your job (you say you do)

i dont financially need to work- i absolutely chose to work .but we had it all planned and agreed pre-dc.

your dh has some very gender specific notions.
male breadwinner and provider
female domesticity and childcare

the risk here is his career goes off like rocket and you have no career.you at home facilitates him attending every meeting,go on every trip,on demand childcare. you meanwhile potentially languish at home having given up work.

lechatnoir · 20/03/2011 21:09

In your position I would:

Exhaust all possibilities of family friendly hours/days in my previous role. eg 3 shorter days a week or some working from home etc
If option 1 doesn't work out then quit my job and throw myself into any & every available playgroup, Sure Start Centres, tumble tots, gyminis etc and make a mammoth effort to make a couple of new baby friends.
Join a gym that has a decent creche and make use of it at least twice a week
Find a part time job and a really good childminder

Good luck whatever you decide
LCN (who has been: working long hours mum, SAHM and finally PT SAHM and definitely prefers the PT working option)

MissyKLo · 21/03/2011 06:13

What's your problem spook?! Yes, for a baby of 8 months, I think that being in a nursery all those hours and away from mum is not ideal and the op has the opportunity to be with her baby. You honestly honestly think that 8 till 6 in a nursery is ideal for a baby so young?! Wow. No way. Babies are not supposed to be away from their mum (main carer etc) for those Many hours and anyone who dismisses the effects this has on a little one so small is, in my view, being delusional.

Violethill · 21/03/2011 06:27

Definitely don't resign. You sound as though you'll get bored and miserable being home all day. I agree you should look at all possibilities of flexible working, and if that's not possible, then look at a part time job doing something quite different. This is a decision which needs to be right for EVERYONE in the family, not just your DH.
And ignore the doom merchants who tell you your place is to give up work and go to babysigning and coffee mornings instead..... that would be the kiss of death for many people!

dollius · 21/03/2011 10:13

Missy - this thread is not a debate about whether it is right to leave a baby in a nursery. The OP has clearly stated her preference for a nanny anyway.

The issue here is the attitude of the husband who thinks it is ok for him to put everything into his career while his wife should completely sacrifice hers.

I mean, why do we bother to educate our girls at all if we then say they have to give it all up as soon as a baby arrives?

The two parents should both be compromising on their careers to ensure the best for their daughter, not JUST the mother.

FFS, the DH wants her to give it all up, stay at home to ensure he gets to every meeting, goes on every trip (as SM said), and he states that SHE should be grateful to HIM. It's unbelievable really.

I really think it would be a huge mistake for the OP to resign, particularly as her DH has such a poor attitude.

rhoobabble · 21/03/2011 10:53

what do you really want? personally as a ft worker of three littlies i crave for a 3 day a week job, maybe that would be the way to go. You are very lucky to have the choice but that doesnt make it easy i suppose.

BrandyAlexander · 21/03/2011 10:55

Sigh. There is always one isn't there? Missy - I would second what dollius said. This thread isn't about whether leaving a baby with another carer all day is right for this family. There are so many other threads in which you can spout your views we can have that debate.

sloggies · 21/03/2011 11:02

Think dh's attitude is more the problem here. OP will no doubt find a solution that works, but there is a certain prevalence of the attitude that if one partner is Suffering, the other partner should either also Suffer or be Eternally Grateful, neither of which would be helpful.

orangina · 21/03/2011 11:19

What Xenia said. Don't give up your job yet. I think the nanny option sounds good, and if you can do 4 days/week, that is GREAT.

And your husband is being an arse about this. He needs to talk to you sensibly and not play stupid ignoring games. He is being a complete baby.

Agree with what everyone has said about wanting to avoid becoming a surrendered wife. Especially while your husband is being totally lame about it all.

Dancergirl · 21/03/2011 11:23

I mean, why do we bother to educate our girls at all if we then say they have to give it all up as soon as a baby arrives?

Perhaps we should educate them to think long and hard about having a baby at all if they're so into their careers.....

I'm not for one minute saying that this is the OP at all as it's obvious hers is a v much loved and wanted baby....but I do sometimes wonder about women who CHOOSE to have a baby but refuse to put their career on hold for a while or find being at home so difficult or mind-numbingly boring they have to escape to work.

Probably going to get flamed for this but just my view...

spidookly · 21/03/2011 11:29

"Perhaps we should educate them to think long and hard about having a baby at all if they're so into their careers....."

feeblephoebe · 21/03/2011 11:29

Perhaps we should educate them to think long and hard about having a baby at all if they're so into their careers.....

absolutely

what in gods name is the point of having a baby that is farmed out from 8 am to 7 pm on strangers

what really is the point?

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 21/03/2011 11:32

spidookly · 21/03/2011 11:32

"what in gods name is the point of having a baby that is farmed out from 8 am to 7 pm on strangers"

What is the point of a baby?

Wow, I'd rather have a mother who had a job than one that thought the "point" of me was to have something to wheel around to endless pointless activities I got absolutely fuck all out of just so she didn't have to provide for herself.

BrandyAlexander · 21/03/2011 11:34

Dancegirl, it may just be "your view" and you are more than entitled to it but do please allow me to express my view which is that you're clearly not clearly very bright if you can't imagine any circumstances in which some women find being at home difficult or mind-numbingly boring.

Dancergirl · 21/03/2011 11:40

Spidookly - I hope your last comment was meant tongue in cheek....

No of course a baby doesn't need tumble tots, music groups or anything else. But a baby needs its mother around (or father). And (I imagine) most children would prefer to be looked after mainly by their parents rather than a nanny, CM or nursery.

I think some women go in with their eyes closed. Looking after a baby can be dull, boring, repetitive and relentless. It's not something to be taken lightly. Is is so wrong to say that's not for me and choose not to have a child?

Dancergirl · 21/03/2011 11:44

Dancegirl, it may just be "your view" and you are more than entitled to it but do please allow me to express my view which is that you're clearly not clearly very bright if you can't imagine any circumstances in which some women find being at home difficult or mind-numbingly boring

There's no need for personal attacks. And yes, I am v bright (1st class degree).

I not questioning the issue of finding it boring if you read my post properly. I am questioning the reason to have a child at all if the woman finds it difficult to cope at home looking after that child.

spidookly · 21/03/2011 11:46

I love the little brackets around "(or father)"

But you don't really mean that do you?

Because you're not suggesting raising young boys to decide whether or not they should have a life of their own or sacrifice themselves on the altar of fatherhood, are you?

Why on earth should women who find looking after children boring and repetitive stay childless rather than pay for childcare?

That's like saying if you find hoovering boring and pay a cleaner to do it you should just live on the streets because you shouldn't have a home.

And sorry, but anyone who would ask what "the point" of another human being is has a screw lose.

The suggestion that the entire life of a human being is meaningless if their mother has a job is ludicrous and offensive to both mothers and babies.

But I'm done with this stupid nonsense. As dollius pointed out, there are lots of threads where you guys can go and pontificate about how women should be constrained by their fertility.

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