AIBU to not be "grateful" enough to DH?

[Sleeplesssister]

OK so I know I am being a spoiled brat but I figure I probably need to get flamed on here in order to get a grip. Have one DD, aged 8 months. Love her to bits but have been debating for ages about whether to go back to work part time. My old job was working for an investment bank however so although I could maybe do 4 days a week they will be long days, with DD in a nursery from 8am until 6pm. Have therefore decided to stay at home and not return to work. Don't need to go back to work, husband has a well paid job and we could manage financially on just his salary. But I have been a bit grumpy about the idea of staying at home, and as a result I've been moaning a bit to my DH, who is working v long hours (not back till 8pm at the earliest). He reckons I need to realise how lucky I am and be more appreciative of the long hours he is putting in to support us (he is hell bent on private schools for DD). I'm feeling a bit lonely stuck at home with DD and have not made many mum friends yet. DH is giving me the cold shoulder for the last 3 days because I've been grumpy. Sad about giving up my career but also can't bear the idea of leaving DD for that many days a week. Why is it so hard? I'm a spoilt so and so I know. Took me bloody ages to get pregnant as well...

Not read the thread sleeplesssister, but can imagine some on here gave you a bollocking.

If it helps, I know how you feel. I've just been made redunadnt from a v flexible and well paid government job and, against all my plans am now a SAHM (feels weird just to type that!) I am open to any part time work at all, but there is nothing that pays well enough to cover childcare for two (had v flexible hours in last job so only needed 5 hours of childcare on the days I worked).

Like you, I don't want to go back to work full time when my little one is still tiny but I do MISS my career, all the hard work I put in. Gutting in a lot of ways. If you live anywhere near Bucks, you can be my Mummy friend!

"Your H sounds like a pompous, sexist, unreasonable arse. He's the problem, not the decision whether to work." Totally agree Cinnabar.

I am a SAHM, and have struggled for it to be possible, but you should make your decision yourself, not based on your DH's Victorian archaic values.

Personally, I would wait a bit longer (12 months of ML) before making a decision. Then, if you feel the same, think very hard about what you can do that will be easier on your family. You sound very marketable, and in your position I would seriously consider setting up some kind of small business.

So - what about getting dd into a nursery for one or two mornings a week and doing some voluntary work. Citizen's advice? Charity shop? Whatever you fancy really! It is sometimes easier to get to know new people when you are working alongside them rather than just chatting.

At the very least, who is up for SleeplessSister to go alone on a spa weekend and leave dd with dh?

Have only read a couple of pages but blimey...

1. Have you asked about pt / flexible working? They promoted you while on ML - they obviously like you and want to keep you - see if they'll accommodate your new position, even if only for a while until DD is older.

1. Your dh needs to take EQUAL RESPONSIBILITY - would he consider going in on Monday and just resigning? No, thought not - that's HUGE

1. What about a sabbatical? Even if no policy at work - get them to consider it?

1. A CItizens advice bureau would LOVE you to volunteer for them - I know cos I work for them :-) so you could keep your brain going while off whatever you choose.

1. I have law degree - hence numbered list ;-) made me laugh!

1. Am currently on ML with dd and have ds (3.5). Looking after toddlers is knackering and sometimes really really dull (although also lovely at times) making a decision to be a SAHM on basis of having a very little one - well, I'd hang on...

DON'T take on 100% physical and emotional responibility for childcare. Your DH is a parent too, and his responsibility goes way beyond 'bringing home the bacon'.

Both of your lives change when you have kids, and you both have to accept that the long hours culture no longer applies to either of you.

P/T working sounds like a good compromise for your family. And if your DH spins you the line, 'nobody will take me seriously if I reduce my hours'.... well, how does he think you feel? And if he then gives you the look that says 'you don't matter, you're a woman'.....

He must be put in a position where he has to make it home to relieve the nanny at 6pm/do nursery pick-ups etc at least 40% of the time.

Once you go into SAHM-dom and assume the role of primary carer, it's very difficult to break free and get your DH to do his share.

Having caught up with the thread and read more about the op's dh's views, I'm left feeling quite sorry for you op. I would resent being partnered with someone who holds such sexist views. He clearly views your profession as something which you can just throw away without any regrets. He also has some pretty odd views about raising children- the comment about getting a nanny being unacceptable is plain weird. I also think he's failing to factor in that you being (regretfully) stuck at home every day, while he has to work stupid hours to enable this, is hardly giving your children a balanced view of parenting.
I started reading the thread thinking you were fortunate to have choices; I'm now thinking you actually seem to have very little real choice about the major decisions about how your family runs

OP, you´re not spoilt, you are clearly becoming dissatified with your new "job" but your husband won´t hear anything of it and tries to guilt you into doing what he wants.

I was in a similar situation 5 years ago and threw it all in, being the main earner and in a prestigious job. I´ve regretted it ever since and have become increasingly frustrated. I will never get a foot back into my old workplace and resent having to work for peanuts. Work is not all about earning money but a lot about status and identity. People I know now see me only as a SAHM and don´t see beyond that. This comes accross constantly on mumsnet on the WOHM v SAHM threads - where the WOHM forgets that SAHMs may well have be in the workplace for more than 20 years. As soon as you give up work you are nothing.

Now the kids are in school I finally have some time to breath and am a far better parent than when I was with the kids 24/7. The sacrifice was just to much and I was very resentful.

OP, for the moment you have choices, the moment you resign you won´t have those choices anymore. Try going back to work, get a nanny, see how it goes for a year or so. Make an informed decision. Don´t be forced into making what might be the biggest mistake of your life. Is your dh potentially jealous of your professional success BTW?

Also bear in mind that the way things are going you will always be 100% responsible for your dd, not a good place to be. This is fast set in stone.

Good luck.

I think you would be foolish to give up your job now that you know you are married to a chauvinist with controlling tendencies.

He's basically arranged things in such a way as to limit your choices and is now trying to emotionally blackmail you into making yourself entirely dependent on him.

You need to assert yourself now. You have a lot to lose if you give up your job now.

Agree with Spidookly. I'm not terribly impressed with a man who has a new baby and signs up for a new job with really long hours, to be honest - it suggests that he doesn't care much whether he sees the baby or he thinks his responsibilities as a parent begin and end with earning money.

On a purely practical front, if his job's "in government" it may not be all that secure anyway at the moment: you might both have cause to be glad if you carry on working.

I would consider how much you love your job and how much you want to return to it in the future. It's all very well saying, as DancerGirl says, I'll retrain, I'll go back but if you were trying to go back in the current climate, it would be almost impossible. There are loads of posts on MN about how hard it is to return to work after many years out, even my husband (who took two years out to look after my second) found it hard to get back in, although he has done so eventually.

That's why many women do jobs which are poorly paid or don't use their qualifications. They are made to feel like they are the only ones responsible for childcare (so have to do the school run) and that their job is not important compared with their husband's career.

If you want to stay home, it's worth it to have that time with your child, but only if you are prepared for what it will inevitably do to your career and potentially your relationship (with a man that doesn't seem keen to help you in your career).

Many of my friends in this situation have worked part-time to 'hold' their place in the workplace if you like, and absolutely loved the fact that once the children are at school, they can pick up their career again. I have worked full-time since my dd2 was seven months, and although at the time I had grave misgivings due to wanting to be her carer (my husband did it), I am now incredibly grateful I held my place and can now focus on work.

As for your DH, I don't see a supportive equal husband here, I'm afraid. I don't see someone sitting down and saying 'well, how are we going to share this out?' or 'are we going to take it in turns to focus on our careers?' Yours is now lesser already, and the baby is only 8 months! Very worrying. I would want to challenge this thinking head-on.

I really sympathise with you.

I have lots of friends/ colleagues who have been in your position.

Mumnset may not be the best place to discuss this as opinion on here SAHM vs WOHM gets very polarised but this is also the case in real life. I have two friends that I no longer invite along to things together as each is so insecure in their own choice (one gave up their career and the other has pursued it) that they knock verbal lumps out of each other when ever they meet.

There is no single right answer. You can only do what is 'right' for your family.

If staying at home is going to drive you insane then maybe going to back to work with the back up of excellent childcare is right for you.

Downsizing your job may also be an option.

Or you may really embrace the SAHM culture. You do need to get out and meet people though - Mother and baby, baby yoga/ pilates, library rhyme time things. Go for it.

There is nothing wrong IMO (but people on here will disagree with me) with admitting that you need an intellectual challenge and the status that comes with your job so have to return to work. IMO a happy mother = happy child even if keeping the mother happy increases the amount of external childcare that the child is exposed to.

Hope this makes some semblance of sense. I want to matchmake you with a SAHM network as but in the interests of preserving my anonymity I can't, sorry.

Don't really understand why a nanny is "outsourcing" when a nursery is not if your child will be with either for the same amount of time.

I think you should consider the possibility that it may actually be a lot harder to go back to work when your child is a bit older. You will have to find a new job, and it may be very difficult to get part time hours. When your dc are at school it can be surprisingly difficult to juggle childcare around drop off, pick up, school holidays etc. Your dh will have got used to having you sorting everything out at home and might be very reluctant to take on some repsonsibility himself, especially if you don't need the money. It is extremely tough to work long hours and be responsible for sorting out all the day to day things with the house and kids.

Get a nanny, cut your hours as much as possible, go back. If it doesn't work, resign, and then at least you won't regret never having tried and you might end up feeling less resentment with your dh.

I've always worked full time with 5 children. It'sm uch better for everyone.

If your husband thinks a parent should be home let it be him. Don't tolerate any sexism.

Get your husband to find, hire and interview a daily nanny and go back full time. Don't make chidlren your issue. He is a parent. he needs to arrange childcare. If my children's father over 20 yaers ago could interview nannies I don't see why your Mr Wonderful can't do so, presumably he is able to use a telephone and has time at the weekends or will haev to make the time or take half a day's leave to organise it.

Xenia, respect for working ft with 5 - that's made me stop whinging about how I'm going to manage with 2 little ones and an 11yo dss!

Nothing is as hard as when children are very little whether you're at home or not and whether you're male or female. It's easy now mine are older.

I have been a full time sahm. I struggled for 6 months, loved it for 2 years then started to go stir crazy. I am now back at work full time and loving it.

Unlike you, I have a supportive DH who has actually changed his job now to enable me to be the breadwinner and pursue my career.

For me the bigger question here is why your DH is not listening to you, and helping to find a solution that works for EVERYONE in the family.

Sometimes one or both of you needs to put your own needs aside for a while, when the kids are small BUT that is only bearable if you know where you're headed in the longer term

Being a SAHM is hard. It can be boring. It can be repetitious. It can destroy your self-confidence and leave you doubting your own abilities.

And I CHOOSE to do it and I'm honestly happy with the choice I made. (And yes there are good bits - but it's a slow burn thing. I miss the highs of pulling off a work coup iykwim.)

Whatever you do make sure it's what you WANT to do.

But don't give into feelings of guilt - even if it took you a long time to conceive - that way madness lies for sure.

its funny but when mine were small i worked part time on a saturday and i remember feeling very much dependent on my husband and really resented it, now they are teenagers i really miss that time i had with them when they were little it was an absolute joy. really miss that time now. i work almost full time now. [envious]

I really think you should go back to work.

I don't have to work. We could live on my DH's wage, with a couple of adjustments. But I want to. I struggle sometimes with feelings of guilt, that it's a selfish choice. But it's not, really. My DS loves nursery. The staff may not love him like I do, but they keep him entertained a bloody sight better than me.

My DH also has 'traditional' values. He would prefer it if I had stayed at home. However, he realises that it's not an option, for me. It might have been for someone else, but he married me, not someone else. He does every single nursery drop off as well, and about 1/3 of the pick ups.

We can't afford a nanny, but if you can, get one.

..and if you have 3 children under 4 as we did at one point and both worked full time a daily nanny can be cheaper than 3 nursery places.

OP - I hope you haven't resigned yet.

I'm a SAHM, it was my choice and I am happy. DS and I have a lovely time together and I relish the freedom to set my own agenda.
You have to treat it like a job though, have a diary and a plan and ensure that you don't just drift through the weeks.
I work very hard during the week so that come 7pm on a Friday night DH and I can both switch off and enjoy a relaxing weekend without there being an endless list of tasks to do.

But - WTF are you doing allowing your DH to dictate to you in this manner? He is being completely unreasonable - did you know when you married him that he held these values about women working (or not!)
Make the right choice for you - if you want to give a nanny a try then do, and if your husband has a problem with it then he can give up his job to look after your DD.
Do NOT fall into the situation where your DH has no respect for you and doesn't value what you are contributing - either financially or otherwise. That way lies a great deal of unhappiness in your marriage.

My DH's career has taken off hugely in the past 3 years, he works longer hours than he used to and is massively grateful to me that I take care of DS so that he can do that. We have a plan about me going back to work that involves re-training because I know that I don't want to be at home forever.
My point is, that all these decisions are joint. We have taken them together and tried to put the best interests of us as a family unit first. So far, it is working well.

As with many on this thread I'm itching to know what the OP thinks!!

I am a happy SAHM who made the choice when the time was right. My Mum remindered us often of what she had sacrificed for us by staying at home and as a result I thought I would never do the same.

My choice is that, my choice, not something straightforward but a decision I have taken as a result of weighing up the options and having a supportive DH who, while he wouldn't be the SAHP himself, would and will support my decisions.

Making such a life changing decision without being fully convinced that it is right for you now could have long lasting negative implications on your relationship with your DH and with your DD as well on your well being and mental health.

I think this www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2010/jun/25/life-after-children-part-time-work might help.

Sorry for the delay in replying to this thread, have been away on family duty playing the dutiful wife...

Totally taken aback by the amazing responses and comments, restored my faith in the sisterhood and really made me stop and think. Need to go back and re-read. I have not resigned as yet but have a meeting scheduled at the end of this week to discuss my return, so have left the door open. Cooking dinner at the mo - I will be back!