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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have this awful dilemma - DH vs BM duties

189 replies

horriddilemma · 14/03/2011 18:49

Also posted in Forces Sweethearts...

Have namechanged for this and will also be slightly vague for obvious reasons.

I have an awful dilemma on my hands and I'm extremely upset and worried about the whole thing. My DH is currently 'away' and is home on RnR for 1 week in mid April. His tour was unexpected and happened with fairly short notice as he was replacing someone else. We accepted that these things happen though and battled on.

I have had a fairly awful time since he left with a sudden and unexpected health scare (all ok now!) and a household emergency which was very stressful. So I can't wait to see him and we need some time together.

Some months back, before we even knew DH was going away, I agreed to be a bridesmaid for a friend. The wedding is, you've guessed it, mid-April. DH is due back the Thursday before the wedding, however it is a very high maintenance wedding and I am expected to be there on the Thursday before and have various tasks allotted to me on the Thursday night, Friday day and evening before we even get to the wedding.

All this would mean I couldn't see DH until very late Friday night at the earliest. He is coming to wedding but friend has already joked ( Hmm ) that we will hardly see each other that day and she has put us on different tables and although I've asked, doesn't want to change the seating plan. Sad

I am also expected to be 'on duty' all day Sunday hosting relatives from overseas as there is a big lunch at her parent's house and she asked me to help transfer wedding gifts back to their home on the Monday as they will be on honeymoon. So basically 5 days of wedding duties and then DH leaves on the following Thursday so we would only have 2 days together.

There are 2 other bridesmaids but I am unofficially chief bridesmaid. I want to pull out as I just can't face this and she is showing no signs of wanting to understand my situation. I would still be there for her - I just want a scaled down role.

Help, what would you all advise?

OP posts:
Katey1010 · 14/03/2011 18:54

She won't change the seating plan so that you can sit with your husband Shock. I would tell her you need to spend time with your DH. Tell her you need a certain number of days and she can choose when to 'spare' you. So, does she change the plan or get someone else to host or move presents. Her choice but you need x number of days with DH. Otherwise you are really sorry but have to bow out. Could you also talk to the other BMs?

Eglu · 14/03/2011 18:56

I would tell her you are now no longer able to be a BM as you need the time with your DH.

ClaireDeLoon · 14/03/2011 18:57

She sounds a bit precious. I would tell her you don't have as much time available as you originally envisaged so she will have to find someone else to help out.

Since when did being a bridesmaid mean you become some sort of unpaid personal assistant?

CradleCrap · 14/03/2011 18:57

High maintenance indeed!

Surely there are others that can transfer presents?

Why are you required to be on duty to host reletives, that is the parents job if the do is in their house.

As for helping out for 2 days before....bit excessive?

Flojo1979 · 14/03/2011 18:58

Its her wedding, shes obviously your best friend, U need to be there for her as u already commited to that prior to knowing, u cant let her down just cos your fella is coming home. I'm sure he has other ppl to catch up with on those days anyway? parents? family? friends? etc and i'm sure since he'll be at the wedding and can be around for ferrying pressies then you'll get time together, itds not like u can spend the whole week holed up together, normality has to go on regardless. Cos he will leave again and u have your life. Dont go upsetting your friend.

NoobyHoHoHo · 14/03/2011 18:59

You need to have a proper talk with her. She's probably so caught up in her wedding plans that she really hasn't thought through what she's asking from you in terms of not seeing your DH. If you talk with her and then she still isn't willing to compromise, then I'm with Eglu - tell her you're sorry, but you're pulling out. Not changing the seating plan so you can sit with your DH FFS.

TidyBush · 14/03/2011 18:59

What kinds of things do you need to be doing for 2 days before the wedding?

TBH I'd give her Friday evening, all day Saturday and the Sunday lunch at a push. Anything more than that can surely be picked up by other people. There is still a month to go so plenty of time to rearrange.

trixie123 · 14/03/2011 18:59

good grief - if she is a good enough friend for you to be her bridesmaid surely she should understand your situation and make SOME allowances for it. Changing the seating plan is really not that huge a deal and the "duties" on the other days sound a bit OTT anyway. I agree that getting the other BMs onside is agood idea. If you can get them to agree to take on some specific things you can present her with a fait accomplis and she doesn't actually have to do / change anything herself.

MunchkinsMumof2 · 14/03/2011 18:59

I would ask to be demoted to just a bridesmaid and delegate your duties to the others. Seeing your dh is far more important than being her dogsbody and if she doens't understand then it's her problem.

FlamingoBingo · 14/03/2011 19:00

She sounds like a cow, to be perfectly honest!

Tell her to either be a bit kinder to you, or that you won't be a BM because, unsurprisingly, you want to see your husband!

Why do you want to be a BM who doesn't seem to give a shit about you?

curlymama · 14/03/2011 19:00

I think you need to talk to her, her requests are unreasonable. I had a huge wedding, and didn't expect anywhere near that much from my bm's.

But, it is close to the date, and you have presumably already agreed to all of this. If you have made a commitment to her, you should see it through. It would have been better to tell her when you knew how much she was expecting that you didn't want to do it. And being a forces wife, I would have thought that situations like this aren't completely unexpected. If you back out of any of it, try and make it the Sunday thing, not the stuff before the wedding.

kittybuttoon · 14/03/2011 19:01

As you're 'chief' bridesmaid (even though unofficially), explain your dilemma to the other bridesmaids and delegate as many pre-wedding duties as possible to them.

Then tell your friend about the change of arrangements, and why you've altered them. As long as it all gets done, there'll be nothing for her to worry about.

Devote the whole of the wedding day to her - that's her big day.

Tell her straight that, much as you'd love to be at her parents' house on Sunday, you won't be, because you're going to spend it with your DH

Hire a trusted taxi firm to deal with the presents on Monday. You don't have to do it personally.

You only have a week with your dearest, and everyone will understand that, as a serving soldier, his time with you is very precious.

Good luck!

bethelbeth · 14/03/2011 19:02

I don't see why you couldn't sit with DH... that is so silly.

Also, if you're her best friend I can kind of get my head round helping out for a couple of days beforehand, but it only needs to be a few hours and maybe DH can help with the running around?

Your friend seems to forget you are also married and have other priorities.

penguin73 · 14/03/2011 19:03

I would second what the others have said - any time on R&R is precious and you should make the most of it. If she can help you compromise then you should go to the wedding and have a lovely day (sat with your husband!) but to ask you to sacrifice any more than one day of your time to do jobs that could easily be done by others is incredibly selfish and unreasonable. R&R goes far too quickly without wasting days!

scaryteacher · 14/03/2011 19:05

Flojo - when there's a possibility that they may not come back the next time (God forbid), then any time is precious, and the OP would regret if she didn't spend the time with her dh.

Yes, they can spend the whole week holed up together; it's fun!!!

hairylights · 14/03/2011 19:07

I would pull out. Apologise profusely but say "I'm sure you will understand how difficult it has been/is for dh and me, what with being apart so much and my recent health problem"

TheFallenMadonna · 14/03/2011 19:07

Good lord. Of course she's being unreasonable. I think her demands are excessive even without the issue of your DH returning. What is she expecting you to do? And can't your DH go and help you with it all - an extra pair of hands?

PlasticLentilWeaver · 14/03/2011 19:10

Only a week r and r? Presumably a 'short' tour then, so hopefully not too many weeks later before he is back for good (until the next time).

There must be a compromise position here somewhere. Don't back out completely, but put your foot down about being there for him getting home Thursday, and being at the same table. Help out on Sunday, buy someone else can do Monday.

I hope for her sake she isn't about to become a forces wife herself with her apparent level of empathy!

Grabaspoon · 14/03/2011 19:10

Flojo

"u cant let her down just cos your fella is coming home"

I'd agree if he had been on a weeks business trip but AWAY is something totally different!!

"itds not like u can spend the whole week holed up together, normality has to go on regardless"

I don't see why not - my forces friends cut themselves of for a couple of days/the 2 weeks as they want to spend time with their husband/wife and children.

spiralqueen · 14/03/2011 19:12

flojo the OP's DH isn't in a normal job. There's always a risk (god forbid) he might not come back. Time spent with him on R&R is always going to trump bridezilla demands - I would hope that any bride who was supposed to be the best friend of the BM in this situation would be doing everything she could to ensure that the BM maximised the time she spent with her DH.

OP - I'd get the other bridesmaids to shoulder as much of the load as possible.

TheProvincialLady · 14/03/2011 19:14

If she is willing to have you on the Saturday and nothing else, I would stay a BM. Otherwise I would tell princess preciouspants to pay a flipping servant and not go at all. FFS.

penguin73 · 14/03/2011 19:14

I would second scaryteacher - for a million reasons that many wont appreciate unless they have been through it having someone home on R&R is a very special time and well worth putting everything on hold for as far as possible...we all hope it wont be the last time (and try not to even think about it in that way). Make the most of it and try not to feel too guilty if your friend doesn't understand.

MrsGuyOfGisbourne · 14/03/2011 19:15

TPL said it!

rinabean · 14/03/2011 19:16

Tell her to sod off. If she wants to be this high-maintenance she can bloody pay someone for it. She's not your friend, she is a self-obsessed cow for even asking you to do all this crap, even without the stuff about your husband.

Can you imagine asking your friend to be your unpaid servant when she could be spending time with her husband who she never sees?

Don't you think you deserve nicer friends? I think you do.

eileenslightlytotheleft · 14/03/2011 19:16

You really need to be with your DH, so I would definitely talk again and say you cannot be around at all on the Sunday and can only do an afternoon or evening on the Friday. And that you definitely want to sit with your DH or else!

I hate weddings!

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