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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have this awful dilemma - DH vs BM duties

189 replies

horriddilemma · 14/03/2011 18:49

Also posted in Forces Sweethearts...

Have namechanged for this and will also be slightly vague for obvious reasons.

I have an awful dilemma on my hands and I'm extremely upset and worried about the whole thing. My DH is currently 'away' and is home on RnR for 1 week in mid April. His tour was unexpected and happened with fairly short notice as he was replacing someone else. We accepted that these things happen though and battled on.

I have had a fairly awful time since he left with a sudden and unexpected health scare (all ok now!) and a household emergency which was very stressful. So I can't wait to see him and we need some time together.

Some months back, before we even knew DH was going away, I agreed to be a bridesmaid for a friend. The wedding is, you've guessed it, mid-April. DH is due back the Thursday before the wedding, however it is a very high maintenance wedding and I am expected to be there on the Thursday before and have various tasks allotted to me on the Thursday night, Friday day and evening before we even get to the wedding.

All this would mean I couldn't see DH until very late Friday night at the earliest. He is coming to wedding but friend has already joked ( Hmm ) that we will hardly see each other that day and she has put us on different tables and although I've asked, doesn't want to change the seating plan. Sad

I am also expected to be 'on duty' all day Sunday hosting relatives from overseas as there is a big lunch at her parent's house and she asked me to help transfer wedding gifts back to their home on the Monday as they will be on honeymoon. So basically 5 days of wedding duties and then DH leaves on the following Thursday so we would only have 2 days together.

There are 2 other bridesmaids but I am unofficially chief bridesmaid. I want to pull out as I just can't face this and she is showing no signs of wanting to understand my situation. I would still be there for her - I just want a scaled down role.

Help, what would you all advise?

OP posts:
lenak · 14/03/2011 20:18

Ask yourself this:

If the situation were reversed, what would she do?

I'm guessing she would be telling you she couldn't possibly give up all that time.

I agree with the others - Friday and Saturday only (making the most of hotel time with your DH) and tell her to stuff the rest.

If she doesn't understand, she is not worth giving up precious time with your DH for anyway.

Original poster
horriddilemma · 14/03/2011 20:19

Thank you SugarPasteFrog - will let you know if I need you!

OP posts:
maxybrown · 14/03/2011 20:19

she said was that she didn't want me spending too much time with DH on the Saturday evening, and that I needed to remember it was her big day and not to detract from it.

WTF Shock

I'm sorry, life's too short - she is not a friend and you should spend the time with your DH.

No true half decent friend would say that, she is taking the piss out of you

Three bags full Miss - she'll have you fanning her and peeling grapes next Hmm

I think she's said some terrible things

LIFE IS TOO SHORT!!!

babyapplejack · 14/03/2011 20:20

I'm not sure why she is your friend. What you have written is shocking. I would definitely pull out.

SauvignonBlanche · 14/03/2011 20:20

FFS - the woman sounds possessed!

Go up on Friday and leave Sunday morning.

fivegomadinthelambingshed · 14/03/2011 20:21

She is not a friend.

flojo you have no idea do you, and you spell you YOU not U.

FlingonTheValiant · 14/03/2011 20:22

I just ranted to my DH about it too. He said she's a selfish cow, and he can't believe any one would care that much about their wedding and so little about their friend/s (DH has not met many brides-to-be :o )

But seriously, if I were the bride I would be bending over backwards to make sure you got as much time as possible with your DH. No jobs (not that I assigned jobs to my BMs anyway), and a new seating plan. Although I find it weird that BMs aren't seated with their partners as standard.

If it was me I'd have told her to shove it when she came out with the detracting nonsense.

Was she even pleased for you that your DH is coming back on RnR?

zikes · 14/03/2011 20:25

Well I guess traditionally bridesmaids weren't married?

zukiecat · 14/03/2011 20:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TanteAC · 14/03/2011 20:25

Wow!
This is a lot to ask from a BM to begin with!
Your DP needs you to be him, can you not explain this to the bride (perhaps she is soooo caught up she has lost perspective - it happens). Tell her you'll be hapy o be BM on the day, but can't do all the other stuff - she doesn't need you to do all this!

TBH she will probably understand straight away, but if she doesn't then she is being very selfish.

It's not as if your DPis away on his jollies somewhere, either - he needs to be with you, your relationship needs you to have this time together, and you both need it to tide yourselves over when you are apart.

Any friend would surely understand this
HTH x

Lucyinthepie · 14/03/2011 20:28

Stuff your wedding dress through her letterbox in tiny pieces.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 14/03/2011 20:36

What on earth are you going to be doing for two days before the wedding? People like this get right on my fucking nerves.

I am actually Shock about her saying you can't spend time with your DH at the reception. What does she want you to be doing???

I honestly can't remember what my BMs were doing during the evening reception of my wedding, I was too busy dancing with my new husband and nattering with people I hadn't seen for ages. She sounds like a total cow and I would be seriously considering cooling the friendship a LOT once the wedding is out of the way.

bruxeur · 14/03/2011 20:36

I'd just DNA.

shmoz · 14/03/2011 20:36

lucy naughty girl Shock

ENormaSnob · 14/03/2011 20:37

Fuck the silly bitch off.

Decent people don't behave like this.

OfflineFor30Seconds · 14/03/2011 20:43

The bride needs educating that a wedding day is just that, a day, and that the marriage that follows after is much more important; marriage can be testing (especially when your OH is away for months at a time) and it needs nurturing and supporting, which is what you would be doing by spending time with your DH.

SauvignonBlanche · 14/03/2011 20:52

Well said Offline!

shmoz · 14/03/2011 20:52

As someone already said, I would ignore the comment about spending time with DH in the evening, she won't even notice.

She does sound a bit precious, but then I guess some brides-to-be maybe get a bit carried away and things spiral a bit...? (Wouldn't know, am sad spinster)

I don't think it's fair to pull out at this late stage, but just make it clear to her that your situation has changed re your available time, and that you can't do the pre and post wedding stuff. She will have to understand.

I don't think it's that big a deal to be seated away from DH for a couple of hours if you're on the top table, and I can understand her not wanting to change this TBH.

Weddings, what a bloody faff.

GilmoreGeek · 14/03/2011 20:52

You know what, I would move heaven and earth for my friends if they were in your situation. I love them dearly and however much I would want a nice wedding, they would still be dear to me and I would care about them and their happiness.

Think about it, that's what friends do for each other. Even when DP and I lived in student halls and it was the first night back after summer (and we hadn't seen each other for 9 weeks) our friends had enough sense to ignore out cuddled-upness and give us some space. And that's not even what you want. You just want to spend time with him during an event.

How can an adult who is about to get married and to make an other human being the most important thing in her life not understand normal behaviour?

You sure she is your friend?

If you want I'll call her for you, I am so angry for you!

zukiecat · 14/03/2011 21:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GilmoreGeek · 14/03/2011 21:07

I don;t know about the top table tradition to be honest but I am sure the bride could somehow change it so the couple can sit together.

What the Showing of Presents, zukiecat?

Rhinestone · 14/03/2011 21:09

I am speechless! YADNBU whatever you decide to do.

But you must tell us what the awful present she bought for someone else was? My mind is boggling....

zukiecat · 14/03/2011 21:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KittaKatta · 14/03/2011 21:17

FFS; you're her bridesmaid not her bloody slave!!

zukiecat · 14/03/2011 21:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.