AIBU to have this awful dilemma - DH vs BM duties

[horriddilemma]

Also posted in Forces Sweethearts...

Have namechanged for this and will also be slightly vague for obvious reasons.

I have an awful dilemma on my hands and I'm extremely upset and worried about the whole thing. My DH is currently 'away' and is home on RnR for 1 week in mid April. His tour was unexpected and happened with fairly short notice as he was replacing someone else. We accepted that these things happen though and battled on.

I have had a fairly awful time since he left with a sudden and unexpected health scare (all ok now!) and a household emergency which was very stressful. So I can't wait to see him and we need some time together.

Some months back, before we even knew DH was going away, I agreed to be a bridesmaid for a friend. The wedding is, you've guessed it, mid-April. DH is due back the Thursday before the wedding, however it is a very high maintenance wedding and I am expected to be there on the Thursday before and have various tasks allotted to me on the Thursday night, Friday day and evening before we even get to the wedding.

All this would mean I couldn't see DH until very late Friday night at the earliest. He is coming to wedding but friend has already joked ( ) that we will hardly see each other that day and she has put us on different tables and although I've asked, doesn't want to change the seating plan.

I am also expected to be 'on duty' all day Sunday hosting relatives from overseas as there is a big lunch at her parent's house and she asked me to help transfer wedding gifts back to their home on the Monday as they will be on honeymoon. So basically 5 days of wedding duties and then DH leaves on the following Thursday so we would only have 2 days together.

There are 2 other bridesmaids but I am unofficially chief bridesmaid. I want to pull out as I just can't face this and she is showing no signs of wanting to understand my situation. I would still be there for her - I just want a scaled down role.

Help, what would you all advise?

YANBU - Please, please do not bow to this bridezilla creature, it will only make her worse.

If I were in your position I'd give it one last ditch attempt to slam dunk the bitch talk to her about your level of involvement and the seating arrangements. If she continued to be a precious mare I'd avoid the wedding (switching off all phones) and spend the week in bed with a much missed DH.

Enjoy your husband - sounds like you've had a rotten time and need some time just you and him.

Normally, I'd advise trying to honour commitments as BM, whilst spending time with DH. However, this woman sounds horrid and your husband is in the forces - a normal, nice friend would understand completely and wouldn't even make these demands of you in the first place.

Thank you Zukiecat! I am surprised this happens before the wedding though, don;t you get most presents on the day? Not really on topic though, sorry.

I really want to know what the present was too!

Ok, just seen the bit about not spending too much time together in the evening, and I've changed my mind about compromise. Who the fucking hell does this prima bloody donna think she is? Its a Wedding DAY, not a Wedding WEEK. And as others have said, it leads to a marriage. Military marriages need every bit of nurturing they can get, more than most because of the additional pressures the lifestyle places on them.

Time to get blunt with her. Point out the brutal truth that you live day to day with the fear that this might be the last time you see him, that every minute is precious. That there is no way you can carry out your 'duties' to her exacting standards. Tell her what you will still be able to do (if you still want to do anything that is), how much you'd been looking forward to seeing her as happy as you are, and that if it isn't enough for her, then very sorry, but you'll step aside rather than ruin her day as it is obviously so much more important than you actually spending some time with the man you have committed your life to and not seen for months, so she feels bad for putting you in this position (well, maybe, doesn't sound like she does guilt).

Thanks Reindeer. I want to honour BM commitment - just not to that extent.

Can't say on the present - so awful no-one would believe me!

Tell us the present, then have the post deleted.

OP, YANBU AT ALL!!!! You sound LOVELY, Bridezilla sounds AWFUL. DP is ex-military and my friends would have moved heaven and earth to help us spend more time together while he was home. Anyone who doesn't understand how hard it is to see him so rarely or 'get' that you'll just want to be with him while he's on R&R is not a true friend needs to find some perspective.

I agree with the others who have said to talk to her, explain that you'll do X, Y and Z but not A, B and C (whatever tasks you'll be able to do while still seeing DH). You'll be able to gauge from her response just how good a friend she is!

Good luck

If it's a mooning gnome, we had one from a friend for a wedding present!

Get the other BMs to share some most of your duties. I can understand why she won't change the seating plan even though it would be very kind and reasonable if she would.
And the minute the meal's over, go and join your husband and ignore the silly cow!

And if she still digs her heels in, resign! You don't need a friend like that.

The bride sounds very selfish. I never would have you to fulfill all of those duties with your dh coming home. If one of the bride maids cannot stand in for you, then she should hire someone to help. You are not her personal wedding planner, talk about Bridezilla.
Do what is best for your husband, all she needs is you to be there for the wedding. She is being VVVVVU.

OK, I've probably outed myself anyway and you've all been so nice and deserve a laugh so the present was....

...a jar of pasta sauce! It was organic if that makes it slightly better!

My bf's husband is in the forces, currently on tour at the moment (:() and there is no fucking way on earth that I would hold her to any of that crap. Oh and she was my bridesmaid btw. I think her duties involved turning up and following me down the aisle (I did the same for her the following week ).

I have also had to share this with DH due to my howls of indignation on your behalf, and he says you should leave it a week and then pull out I'm with the majority - Scale. It. Back. Two days, three at the outside, snogging on the dancefloor :)

My guess was the gift was lipo (that or a wooden spoon - apparently it's traditional).

I just literally laughed out loud. You are kidding, right? RIGHT?

(My DP looks really shocked, not sure whether I am laughing at my computer or whether I am on a wedding thread ;) )

Zukie, I didn't mean to interrogate you or anything. I am not from the UK so some traditions are simply unknown to me.

How could I forget this?...

Its just come back to me (sieve brain) that when my brother got married, my then fiance (now DH) was away in Iraq and we weren't sure if he would make it in time for the wedding, which was not in the UK. Eventually we found out he was coming back the day before, so would be able to go straight from Brize to Heathrow, if I took all his wedding kit with me. My brother and soon-to-be SIL volunteered that if I would rather stay at home and spend time with him, rather than come to their wedding, they would understand, even though I was meant to be their bridesmaid. I didn't take them up on the offer, but the contrast here is quite astounding.

You are KIDDING??

Really?

I hope there was a diamond bracelet hidden in the bottom of the sauce.

FFS.

Agh, or whether it is that I am on a wedding thread. My grammar has gone to bed already.

I can not believe she gave away pasta sauce. Was it something special? Like, I don't know, handmade for her by an italian 15 star cook just to her taste or whatever?

Pasta sauce???

I am roffling at pasta sauce

Pasta sauce? Hilarious. You're right, never before, nor likely again.

The options are now open as to what you give her - curry sauce? Ketchup? Lemon drops?

I wish I was kidding - I said it was awful and something that has probably never ever been given as a wedding present before. It wasn't Dolmio, it was an organic type but certainly not an amazing 'home-made by an italian chef with truffles and diamond bracelets hidden in it' type. Just the kind of stuff that costs a bit more in a 'lovely' farm shop deli type of place so not special.

Nice Friend was rather taken aback and I was pretty pissed off on her behalf.

Bridezilla friend is a bit odd isn't she?

Hahahahahaha! Please please please club together with Nice Friend & buy her some dry spaghetti for her wedding pressie.

I would explain to her that you can't be there on th thursday before or the sunday after. 2 days is plenty for bridesmaid duties! there will be plenty of people on the day after to help out.