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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have this awful dilemma - DH vs BM duties

189 replies

horriddilemma · 14/03/2011 18:49

Also posted in Forces Sweethearts...

Have namechanged for this and will also be slightly vague for obvious reasons.

I have an awful dilemma on my hands and I'm extremely upset and worried about the whole thing. My DH is currently 'away' and is home on RnR for 1 week in mid April. His tour was unexpected and happened with fairly short notice as he was replacing someone else. We accepted that these things happen though and battled on.

I have had a fairly awful time since he left with a sudden and unexpected health scare (all ok now!) and a household emergency which was very stressful. So I can't wait to see him and we need some time together.

Some months back, before we even knew DH was going away, I agreed to be a bridesmaid for a friend. The wedding is, you've guessed it, mid-April. DH is due back the Thursday before the wedding, however it is a very high maintenance wedding and I am expected to be there on the Thursday before and have various tasks allotted to me on the Thursday night, Friday day and evening before we even get to the wedding.

All this would mean I couldn't see DH until very late Friday night at the earliest. He is coming to wedding but friend has already joked ( Hmm ) that we will hardly see each other that day and she has put us on different tables and although I've asked, doesn't want to change the seating plan. Sad

I am also expected to be 'on duty' all day Sunday hosting relatives from overseas as there is a big lunch at her parent's house and she asked me to help transfer wedding gifts back to their home on the Monday as they will be on honeymoon. So basically 5 days of wedding duties and then DH leaves on the following Thursday so we would only have 2 days together.

There are 2 other bridesmaids but I am unofficially chief bridesmaid. I want to pull out as I just can't face this and she is showing no signs of wanting to understand my situation. I would still be there for her - I just want a scaled down role.

Help, what would you all advise?

OP posts:
vickster11 · 14/03/2011 23:20

Personally i would pop over to see her and have a chat and say Im really sorry of course I will be their for your big day but I will be busy catching up with my dh as we havent seen each other for ages. You will need to divide up my duties between your other bridesmaids. And it would be really good of you as we are best mates to sit me with my husband as you know spending time together is so difficult with his job.... then go quite and she what she says.

Personally my best friend was my bridesmaid on the day she hepled me put my bouquet of flowers somewhere safe. Ran to the loos with me whilst I had a fight with the dress going to the loo and silly little things like that. The day of the wedding she came with me and we got our makeup done together. Afew days before the wedding we had a make up session and our nails done.

I dont understand why she expects you to run around days before, on the day, and after. Her family will have to do it. Please dont be her lap dog.

vickster11 · 14/03/2011 23:32

Just read your other messages did she really buy a jar of pasta sauce as a present? The main present!!! I would go and buy her a nice big pasta spoon and a pasta sieve. I would be well p off if someone got me that.

KittaKatta · 14/03/2011 23:44

PASTA SAUCE

PASTA SAUCE

REALLY?

this wasn't some sort of in-joke between her and the bride?

Seriously you need to get away from this woman

MadamDeathstare · 15/03/2011 00:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lucyinthepie · 15/03/2011 15:55

Oh yuck MadamDeathstare!

I'm back waiting for the update. Of course, I didn't mean to say post your wedding dress through her letter box in pieces, I meant you BRIDESMAID's dress. If you come back and tell us she is insisting on being Bridezilla I am happy to travel almost anywhere in the country with a pair of sharp scissors to help you with your response. Grin

PorkChopSter · 15/03/2011 16:00

To borrow a phrase: What the actual fuck?

Tell Pastasaucezilla you'll do Saturday and with your DH in tow.

SlightlyJaded · 15/03/2011 16:06

Pasta Sauce Shock
Have you called her yet OP? And how have the chips fallen?

She sounds like a fucking nightmare and whoever suggested reminding her that a wedding day was actually a single day to mark a marriage and that is what is important here, made a bloody good point.

SlightlyJaded · 15/03/2011 16:07

Pork tis my new favourite phrase too :o

allsquareknickersnofurcoat · 15/03/2011 17:16

IMO she is in dire need of a slap with a wet fish.

Have you spoken to her yet?

mumcanIaskaquestion · 15/03/2011 17:20

.

lovenamechange100 · 15/03/2011 17:40

Flippen well tell her she's not a friend as she is being VU to ask this of you.

Your DH comes first, I would be fumin at the fatc she thinks its ok not to put you on the same table and especially as he only home for a week.

Ws she there for you this much when you had your health scare/dometic emergency?

As a compromise say you can do teo days and thats that.

Even if your DH wasnt coming home she taking the pee anyway.

Be Polite firm and assetive

Original poster
horriddilemma · 15/03/2011 17:52

UPDATE - I sent her a long email saying that I fully intended to keep my commitment to her and was really looking forward to the wedding. Then I said that as she was aware, I'd had a bad few months and I was sure she could appreciate how much I was looking forward to having DH home for a week.

I explained that if I did all the original duties then I wouldn't be able to pick DH up when he arrives home on Thursday and wouldn't see him until late on Friday when he'd managed to travel up to where the wedding is. Then we wouldn't get home until very late on Monday and then would only have Tuesday and Wednesday together until he leaves again on Thursday.

I said that I didn't feel this was fair on him and that I was taking the decision that we would have to leave on the Sunday morning.

I also said I would really appreciate being excused Thursday so that I could at least pick him up but that I'd leave that up to her. I also said that there was no way that I wouldn't be completely smitten with him on Saturday so to ask that I don't spend too much time with him was unfair and surprised me.

She responded, saying the wedding was costing a huge amount and she thinks she deserves one day that's all about her but that she understands and not to worry about the Thursday, Sunday or Monday.

So all good I thought, so have just given her a ring and she was distinctly a bit cool with me. Said all the right things but didn't actually apologise, say 'don't worry' or anything and just seemed a bit funny with me. I reiterated that I was just feeling overwhelmed with the two things that have happened lately and she didn't really say anything. (And they are things that I or indeed anyone, would think were pretty bad, I'm sure).

So a good result in one sense but I think there is an underlying current of resentment from her. Oh well.

Thank you all so much for the advice and the offers to travel anywhere to sort her out! You are all great and made me giggle. I had actually discussed this with some RL friends and they were all shocked too but I thought they might just be being nice to me so wanted some unbiased and no-nonsense opinions!

And to answer someone's question, no the pasta sauce wasn't an in joke and the friend who received it was quite hurt.

OP posts:
lovenamechange100 · 15/03/2011 17:59

horrible I think you've handled this very well and nicely, I cant see how on earth saying that she deserves one day but was expecting 4 from you at such a cruicial time for you and DH given recent events.

I am sure she will see how unreasonable she is being when she looks back, FGS dont ever agree to be her birthing partner if ever at time arises!

You sound quite ok and balanced and she seems quite selfish, dont be scared to re-evaluate your frienship. ENJOY your DH

ChristinedePizan · 15/03/2011 18:01

Good for you - I think that sounds like a really positive outcome. She is of course going to be annoyed because this is her big day and she is clearly totally obsessed by it. Even some normal women go slightly bonkers around weddings.

But if she is essentially a decent person, then she will look back on this and realise how completely dreadful she was being and apologise to you at some stage in the future. Although, given the pasta sauce incident, I'm not holding my breath.

I hope you and your DH really, really enjoy your R&R together :)

pranma · 15/03/2011 18:01

Friday evening and Saurday until end of Reception at which you sit on top table but spend post meal time dancing with/talking to your dh and if that's not enough tell her you expect her to give up 5 days of her honeymoon to babysit for you Grin

pranma · 15/03/2011 18:02

sorry I posted before I read your latest post-that sounds great

eileenslightlytotheleft · 15/03/2011 18:03

That's a great result. Don't worry about her being cool. She has done the right thing even if she is not being very gracious about it. She's wrapped up in her wedding, and may well become quite normal and nice again once it is over.

QuietTiger · 15/03/2011 18:10

Tell Bridezilla to fuck off.

Bluntly, DH is on (presumably) operational tour and the R&R is IMPORTANT to you as a family, because he may (God forbid) not come back. Time with him is far more precious than babysitting bridezilla on her big day.

Ask the other BM's to step up to the plate regarding things that need to be done and inform bridezilla that the situation is now X due to a change in cricumstances. Then sack out the lunch on Sunday and spend it with DH, and also tell bridezilla that you're available from Friday night and the big day only.

If she's a true friend, she'll understand.

jenga079 · 15/03/2011 18:13

A brilliant response. Well done. I'm not surprised she was a bit cool to be honest (she had one idea in her head - rightly or wrongly - and it will take a while for that idea to change) but the important thing is that you and she have done the right thing. You can relax, enjoy RnR AND the wedding. Everyone's a winner Smile

Now the real dilemma starts... what are you going to wear to pick up DP from Brize? (I'm guessing!) Will Crabair deliver him on time? Which brand of pasta sauce will you buy bridezilla for her pressie?

Lucyinthepie · 15/03/2011 18:14

OK, I'll put the scissors away for now. Just be prepared. If she goes back on any of this don't compromise your time with your DH because you don't want to cause a fuss. Do what you need to do, even if that's getting up and walking away from the wedding.

I've got personal experience of similar when I was a bridesmaid ages ago. When I got to the wedding the bride had gone back on a lot of promises (including the one where I wouldn't be stuck on the top table but would be able to sit next to my DH). So, just be prepared to be tough.
Enjoy your time with your man. Smile

SugarPasteFrog · 15/03/2011 18:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CaveMum · 15/03/2011 18:42

Did you point out to her that the "one day all about her" she feels she is entitled to is actually 4 days?!

Well done you for being so level headed and calm. My DH was on a overseas posting when we were invited to a friends wedding (just normal guests). I told her that we didn't know when his R&R would be and she told me not to worry and that if he was back at the right time to just bring him along and they'd make room for him Grin THAT is a true friend.

MooMooFarm · 15/03/2011 18:51

Have just seen this thread and have to say I think you are being very, very understanding re your 'friend's demands and now hissy-fit. She should think herself very lucky you've not told her to stuff her wedding up her Shock

tiredfeet · 15/03/2011 18:56

Good grief. Of course time with your dh should come first in this instance. I think you handled this very well and considerately. you sound like a lovely friend. She doesn't

SauvignonBlanche · 15/03/2011 18:57

Glad you've reached a compromise.
She still sounds like an awful Bridezilla though! Grin