AIBU to have this awful dilemma - DH vs BM duties

[horriddilemma]

Also posted in Forces Sweethearts...

Have namechanged for this and will also be slightly vague for obvious reasons.

I have an awful dilemma on my hands and I'm extremely upset and worried about the whole thing. My DH is currently 'away' and is home on RnR for 1 week in mid April. His tour was unexpected and happened with fairly short notice as he was replacing someone else. We accepted that these things happen though and battled on.

I have had a fairly awful time since he left with a sudden and unexpected health scare (all ok now!) and a household emergency which was very stressful. So I can't wait to see him and we need some time together.

Some months back, before we even knew DH was going away, I agreed to be a bridesmaid for a friend. The wedding is, you've guessed it, mid-April. DH is due back the Thursday before the wedding, however it is a very high maintenance wedding and I am expected to be there on the Thursday before and have various tasks allotted to me on the Thursday night, Friday day and evening before we even get to the wedding.

All this would mean I couldn't see DH until very late Friday night at the earliest. He is coming to wedding but friend has already joked ( ) that we will hardly see each other that day and she has put us on different tables and although I've asked, doesn't want to change the seating plan.

I am also expected to be 'on duty' all day Sunday hosting relatives from overseas as there is a big lunch at her parent's house and she asked me to help transfer wedding gifts back to their home on the Monday as they will be on honeymoon. So basically 5 days of wedding duties and then DH leaves on the following Thursday so we would only have 2 days together.

There are 2 other bridesmaids but I am unofficially chief bridesmaid. I want to pull out as I just can't face this and she is showing no signs of wanting to understand my situation. I would still be there for her - I just want a scaled down role.

Help, what would you all advise?

Fanny - well I certainly find him gorgeous! And yes, he looks bloody lovely in dress uniform!

Yellow - she herself thinks the meal will be 3 hours.

She doesn't want you to spend too much time with your DH on Sat night?? WTF??!!

You are being very generous giving her 3 days. Personally I would give her the Friday and Saturday and that's it.

I have to say that 'on the day' she won't notice how much time you spend with your DH as she will be too busy being 'The Bride'.

She probably won't notice you sitting with him either for the wedding breakfast.

She sounds vile by the way :0

my god, I can't get over what a cow this woman is being. I Seriously hope that she has just gone totally mental with bridezilla fever and will one day be deeply ashamed.

Honestly you would be absolutely within your rights to say you are prepared to help on the day but will now need to hand the other duties to others.

I think its really sad that you are worrying about her and her feelings when she is not worrying about yours and is being such a total bitch.

are you sure it's not just worth saying now, actually as you will understand, my life has had some unexpected things in it so I wont be able to help as I said I would. then just let her be angry if she wants to be.

I cannot BEAR women who make their wedding last more than a day!

oops :o

and i am astounded at you transporting wedding gifts - she can definitely find someone else to do that. seriously, this is way beyond normal friendship.

What Zukie said. Cheeky. Fucking. Mare.

I was all ready to say YWB a little U, until the 'detract from my day' bit! I am all for sticking by commitments - which you did agree to - BUT she is not showing any signs of caring for your situation. That in itself would bring out the twunt in me. I'd fuck off the Thursday, Friday and go home early Sunday personally. She sounds a right charmer too!

I think you are being very generous to still do Thurs/Fri.

When your DH goes back to , how long will he have until he is back again?

Agreeing to be a BM is one thing, but I bet few people would expect to be skivvying for the bride for about 5 days! Ludicrous.

That is jaw-droppingly selfish. Any friend of mine who behaved like her would soon be an ex-friend. I would also only spend Friday and Saturday on the wedding. As ClairedeLoon said - you're not an unpaid personal assistant, you're a bridesmaid. Isn't it supposed to be fun?

MmeLindt - less than two months although it feels like forever. It's actually worse when they go back - so close and yet so far. But it's more about the things that have happened whilst he's been away than about how long it'll be before I see him again.

Presumably she loves her DH to be? She should really be more understanding then. Outrageous behaviour whether your DH was away or not. Everyone has lives beyond her. Transporting presents?? Really?? Lazy cow. (The Bride that is) Do Friday and Saturday, and smooch with your DH on the dancefloor in front if everyone!

I don't think it's unreasonable for the bride to expect her BM to sit at the head table for the meal and speeches - it's just everything else she's expecting!

Nope, R+R is very important, I don't know where your man is posted, but I come from the days of having an army sweetheart in Northern Ireland, so I know how you feel. I would speak to your friend, with a compromise already worked out. A compromise that only involves you being involved on the actual day of the wedding and her altering her selfish seating plan. (That was out of order right from the start). If she can't understand why your first priority has to be with him for this short time, then what sort of friend is she?

I agree with the majority doing the Thursday is a bit too much and really falling into her hands. Send her an email, say you will travel up with DH on the Friday, spend Friday with her, Saturday doing your duties. Tell her that you are sorry but you really need to spend time with him, that you will ensure she has a great day, but will not be ignoring your husband in the evening as you are a couple and your duties as BM will be over.

I really think if you don't put your foot down she is going to use you big time. This isn't a best friend it is a leach.

Sugar - yes, our mutual friend is a at her lately and she doesn't know 90% of what she's been like with me as I'm not one to bitch. (Well except on MN clearly!) Mutual friend was slightly put out by Bridezilla friend's behaviour at her wedding and rather shocked at her present.

Also Bridezilla did not attend Nice Friend's hen weekend even though she could have made most of it (had something on the Sunday lunchtime) and yet Nice Friend subsequently moved heaven and earth to make it for the Saturday night of Bridezilla's hen weekend (when she had an excellent reason for not being able to make it at all).

HD
Yes, I see what you mean, but at the same time it is completely different to eg. if my DH were to be sent to the company's HQ in Tennessee for 7 weeks. Presumably your DH could be in some danger where he is.

I think that expecting you to sit at the top table would be ok, if she did not have the other demands.

And not being allowed to spend time with your DH during the reception. I have never heard anything so selfish.