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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to have this awful dilemma - DH vs BM duties

189 replies

horriddilemma · 14/03/2011 18:49

Also posted in Forces Sweethearts...

Have namechanged for this and will also be slightly vague for obvious reasons.

I have an awful dilemma on my hands and I'm extremely upset and worried about the whole thing. My DH is currently 'away' and is home on RnR for 1 week in mid April. His tour was unexpected and happened with fairly short notice as he was replacing someone else. We accepted that these things happen though and battled on.

I have had a fairly awful time since he left with a sudden and unexpected health scare (all ok now!) and a household emergency which was very stressful. So I can't wait to see him and we need some time together.

Some months back, before we even knew DH was going away, I agreed to be a bridesmaid for a friend. The wedding is, you've guessed it, mid-April. DH is due back the Thursday before the wedding, however it is a very high maintenance wedding and I am expected to be there on the Thursday before and have various tasks allotted to me on the Thursday night, Friday day and evening before we even get to the wedding.

All this would mean I couldn't see DH until very late Friday night at the earliest. He is coming to wedding but friend has already joked ( ) that we will hardly see each other that day and she has put us on different tables and although I've asked, doesn't want to change the seating plan.

I am also expected to be 'on duty' all day Sunday hosting relatives from overseas as there is a big lunch at her parent's house and she asked me to help transfer wedding gifts back to their home on the Monday as they will be on honeymoon. So basically 5 days of wedding duties and then DH leaves on the following Thursday so we would only have 2 days together.

There are 2 other bridesmaids but I am unofficially chief bridesmaid. I want to pull out as I just can't face this and she is showing no signs of wanting to understand my situation. I would still be there for her - I just want a scaled down role.

Help, what would you all advise?

OP posts:

sheeplikessleep · 14/03/2011 19:20

agree wih provincial - agree to the saturday, but explain how you cannot agree to the other demands. can you sort out someone else to take on the responsibilities you've been 'assigned' (which is ridiculous i think!). least that way, she doesn't have to think about it. just say that you're so excited about the day (really big it up), but apologise that you will have to cut back on the days before and after.

if she kicks up a fuss, say you're happy to not be a bridesmaid at all if she'd prefer. either sat or nothing. then the ball is in her court. you are not being unreasonable in the slightest.

i would be a bit peeved off if a best friend couldn't be a bridesmaid at all (i.e. still there on the day and to be fair, i wouldn't expect bridesmaids partners to be on the top table either). BUT, it's the extra demands on top that is unreasonable of her, in light of your dh coming back.

hope it goes well.

Bunnyleroux · 14/03/2011 19:22

Tell her you can't do it. Time spent with you dh is far,far more important.

I had a similar issue last year when my friend was just being too demanding and i had a young baby. I told her that bm duties were too much and I bowed out.

rinabean · 14/03/2011 19:23

No! Don't you dare make compromises and be all nicey-nice around this cow. Tell her you're pulling out and she owes you an apology.

I mean, look, this woman thinks a wedding is more important than a marriage. She thinks she's more important than everyone else, not even for her biiig daaay but for her, what, big week? What the actual fuck? Tell her where to shove her "duties" and her seating plan.

NinkyNonker · 14/03/2011 19:24

The day before and.day reasonable asks, all the rest is tosh. If it were mu wedding I would release you from all bar the minimum of day duties (ie, just walk down the aisle!) and alter seating plan without needing to be asked. Diva-esque me thinks.

I would tell her that you will help her out the afternoon before and day of, I'm sure she has plenty of people to help.

zukiecat · 14/03/2011 19:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sheeplikessleep · 14/03/2011 19:26

horriddilemma - are you on the 'top table'? who else is on the table you're on?

eltompo · 14/03/2011 19:28

what does your dh think about it? I know mine would be put out if I wasn't around for the majority of his r&r - in previous times I have told my friends beforehand that I won't be around as much for that 2 weeks as I'll be seeing my dh - these are friends that i totally rely on for the whole time dh is deployed and they completely get it that I'll be 'holed up' with him

you need to be more assertive with bridezilla - explain to her that she really needs to alter the seating plan (what other husbands and wives wonn't be seated together, FFS?), delegate the transferring of gifts to the best man or someone else in her family maybe....you need to make her realise how important r&r is and that you need to be with your dh

if she really can't empathise then she's an absolute fanny.

zikes · 14/03/2011 19:29

She's expecting too much: say you can't do all these days. It's well over the top.

I can understand perhaps you not sitting with your dh if you're at the bride's table, but after the meal I'd expect you to be off mingling with him .

YANBU

MillsAndDoom · 14/03/2011 19:31

Decrease your duties - she may be cross but your relationship with your DH is more important

jcscot · 14/03/2011 19:33

If she can't agree to you cutting down your "duties", then you should pull out or simply tell her you're not available as much as you previously thought. I'm an Army wife, so I know how precious that R&R is. Husband trumps friend in this case.

Original poster

horriddilemma · 14/03/2011 19:42

Wow, so many responses, thank you so much.

To clarify a few things, I did not expect her to alter the top table seating plan to include DH. I merely asked if I could be on a 'normal' table with him instead of on the top table. And there is no question of me backing out of being a BM - I just don't want to do the 5 days.

Apart from anything else it's not fair on DH to have his RnR dominated by this wedding which is 6 hours from home.

And yes, DH only gets 1 week as his tour length is only 10 days shy of qualifying for the 2 weeks.

And yes, I know I have made a prior commitment but as others have said, RnR is different. There is always the possibility that this is the last time.......

I think I will say that I will do Thursday, Friday and obviously Saturday as planned but that we will be going home on Sunday morning. If she's not happy with that then tough. I'm just not emotionally robust enough to deal with this at the moment - it really has been a horrible few months and I just need some time with my husband.

The other thing she said was that she didn't want me spending too much time with DH on the Saturday evening, and that I needed to remember it was her big day and not to detract from it. She has turned into a complete bridezilla hasn't she?

OP posts:

hmmSleep · 14/03/2011 19:43

I think if she's getting married she needs to understand what marriage is all about. It's not about one day, it's about being their for your dh / dw afterwards too, which is exactly what you're rightly wanting to be. YADNBU, tell her you want to be there for her but your own marriage is more important to you than hers!

saffy85 · 14/03/2011 19:44

I will never complain about my bridezilla sister ever again! Cheeky fucking cow! You're friends you say? Friendship works both ways. You are not asking much by any stretch of the imagination, you're asking to scale down your "duties" (most of which don't sound like they should be yours in the first place) to spend time with your husband who is back from tour, not a golfing weekend.

Maybe you should remind your friend that after the wedding comes the marriage. You know the bit where you spend time with cherish the person you met up with at the alter in the expensive dress in front of all the friends and relatives.

If she is still being a selfish cow I'd personally cancel on the moring of the wedding with really bad period cramps. Or some other totally ridiculous reason. I am actually outraged for you!

MadamDeathstare · 14/03/2011 19:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sn0wflake · 14/03/2011 19:44

She is being unreasonable. I also would have totally understood if all you did was turn up and look pretty and then spend the rest of the reception snogging your husband. She doesn't get what marriage is about if she will not support you in yours.

saffy85 · 14/03/2011 19:44

morning not moring. So mad on your behalf I can't bloody type!

penguin73 · 14/03/2011 19:45

that last sentence would be a deal-breaker for me!!!

YellowDinosaur · 14/03/2011 19:48

I wouldn't even offer to do what you have tbh.

I think tell her you will travel up (with your dh) early on Friday so you can do jobs then and Sat and then head back on Sun. Obviously you need to spend Thurs with your dh when he is coming back then!

Ignore (smile and nod) when she talks about you not spending too much time with your dh on the Saturday - she won't even notice then.

If she won't get this then tell her it is that or you are pulling out. Agree with others on the thread that approaching the other bms so that you can present it to her as 'I am not doing this but its fine as x is instead and its all sorted' means that you are presenting her with solutions and not just a problem to sort out.

Tbh what she is asking of you is ott even without your situation. If she can't understand you are scaling back your duties then she is no friend

Sn0wflake · 14/03/2011 19:48

I'm aghast that she can say she doesn't want you to spend time with your husband on the saturday night. At that point I would have some very harsh words with her. Why are you putting up with any of this? Tell her to shove it where the sun don't shine!

Do you actually like this woman?

zikes · 14/03/2011 19:50

Giving her three days of your time is more than generous.

Tell her that once the speeches are done, you're going to join your dh. She won't need you dancing attendance on her like that, it's ridiculous. And she'll have plenty of attention from everyone. Bridezilla is right.

YellowDinosaur · 14/03/2011 19:53

I would say that I don't think its that unreasonable for you not to be sitting with your dh if you are on the top table btw. The meal is only an hour and a half. You can spend the rest of the evening with your dh (and if she has a pop at you about it which presumably she won't as she should be too busy spending time with her new dh) then just leave!

fannybaws · 14/03/2011 19:54

Op she sounds jealous of you for some reason, is your DH gorgeous or something??
Could he come to the wedding in full dress uniform, swoon............
fwiw agree with previous posters who recommended telling her you are happy to do scaled down duties.

saffy85 · 14/03/2011 19:55

"The other thing she said was that she didn't want me spending too much time with DH on the Saturday evening, and that I needed to remember it was her big day and not to detract from it. She has turned into a complete bridezilla hasn't she?"

Why in the name of arse are you friends with this woman? I wouldn't do any of it myself (I'm stubborn like that), not now. Ofcourse her wedding is important but so is spending time with your DH in these circumstances. You wont get much time together as it is. Do not understand why she needs you for all those days. The day before and the actual day, that's it, surely.

Original poster

horriddilemma · 14/03/2011 19:55

I certainly don't like her behaviour and am beginning to see a different side of her. She also behaved very badly to a mutual friend at mutual friend's wedding recently in, amongst other things, her wedding gift.

I won't say what the gift was as it will 'out' me as I can't believe this particular item has ever been bought as a wedding present before or since but it was almost consciously a bit of a slap in the face.

She however has rather highbrow wedding present expectations!

OP posts:

sheeplikessleep · 14/03/2011 19:55

at your last sentence horriddilemma

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