OW/OM , I think they really are quite stupid .

[droves]

Why would you want to have a relationship with someone , when you know you will only get at best 50% of their attention ?.

Not to mention missing out on all the nice things , like having them introduce you to their family and friends. Or being know as the girlfriend/boyfriend.

Why on earth would anyone one want to be kept secret , like a dirty secret?.

I cant understand why anyone would put up with that.

If you find out that the person you are seeing is married/has partner you get rid because they are
a) dishonest lying twat.
b) untrustworthy
c) will probably do it again when they get bored of you ,
and d) has a overblown sense of entitlement that they believe its their right to treat people so badly.

Dont buy the "but we fell in love , so its ok" line either.
Thats just stupid .
If they are decent they would split with their dp , before they make their mind up to persue someone else.
I dont believe ow/om are evil , just stupid. so aibu?.

How old is your daughter Beesimo - does she think that only ONE person in the 2 million odd women who post here could have the temerity to be an OW...

Read Hatesponge & Valhalla's posts quickly and think they are doing a very good job at creative writing if they are the same poster.

Hatesponge, don't rise to it, she's been trying to be abusive and offensive in order to get a reaction since last night.

Back on topic, Hatesponge, your comment about being a part time father and losing everything a man's worked for is so true in very many cases even in this day and age and was, when his child was younger, something the man in my life was painfully aware of and feared.

MarshaBrady, I wonder if what you say is the case not only because of the need or presumed need for secrecy over affairs but also because people fear being the subject of abuse if they do admit to affairs? If our friends were all totally honest with us I wonder how many more would admit to affairs, serious or casual.

Quattrocento, IMO your description of what individuals may or may not consider necessary is very true and makes detatched, calm sense of an emotive but thought-provoking subject.

Quattro everyone singing the praises of the first flush of marriage can be a bit much too (I find ).

Is it an equal split between male and females having casual affairs?

(I am surrounded by married couples atm, and miss work a bit too due to this)

Valhalls gets her point across everywhere she posts exceedingly well without needing a sockpuppet. What a bizarre assumption.

I think YANBU OP but this thread has made interesting reading. I don't think you have to have any experience of this situation to see it in black and white, actually having no experience of this situation (as I have, thankfully, as far as I know!) makes it more likely that you see it in black and white.

Valhalla if you don't mind me asking, do your children know that your partner is a married man? Are you alright about them seeing it as an acceptable choice in a life partner and for them to go down that route too?

Also, if your partner's wife knows about your affair, does he tell her things like "I'm off to Valhalla's", without feeling the need to pretend to something else? Do you think he's just trying to convince himself that she knows and therefore he's not really a cheat after all?

Oh I can see your point about not wanting a man 100% of the time, I am married and wish for that sometimes! :)

megapixels, yes my children know and I'm fine with that. They're children with kind hearts and spirits despite my situation and their awareness of it.

I have no idea what he tells his wife these days, I don't ask any longer - I guess you could say that the curiosity has worn off. There was a time when he'd be "getting back from the airport" hours later than the flight actually arrived or "going to the Dublin office", I can only presume that it's much the same now.

He's a degree qualified 50-something year old, without meaning to sound cutting I don't think he needs or is likely to "convince himself" that she knows. As I said, I'm not the first.

sock puppet.

I'm just imagining Val with a mini Hate Sponge with stuck on googly eyes "agreeing" with everything she says.

Val- does he buy you "mistress" gifts? Like urm, what to mistresses get? Underwear, jewellery, perfume?

Are there no om or married men who are having/had affairs on mumsnet ?
Would be intresting to see the male point of view on this .

Good grief no LOTM. Take that stereotype and hose it down in the garden!

Lady val and hatesponge are both ow , they are going to have similar opinions.

Val ... he doesnt give you gifts ? not even for birthdays or xmas???

Val- Oh :( I thought that would sweeten the deal...Hermes scarves from gay Pareeee and all that jazz!

Now it's just a shared man :(

Token posh chocolates for Xmas when I was a veggie and not vegan, flowers when I was ill. Neither of us, although for different reasons, have got much interest in marking birthdays and Christmas outside of doing it for our respective offspring. One of those reasons is age... celebrating your 21st, your 30th, is fun, by the time you get to our ages it's just another day.

Hermes scarves ?....bloody hell lotm ...id dooubt most blokes would know hermes scarves existed.

Well those men ought to be single!

LOTM, regardless of whether a man's my live-in partner, boyfriend, husband or I'm the OW (and I've done all of those) I'm not wildly impressed by material offerings and don't crave them. Not being funny, it's just not the way I am.

I am indeed shallow and love gifts. However, if my dh came home clutching a Hermes box, I'd presume he was having an affair!

Val the "relationship" appears to work for you and the OM, at present, on all levels; and it could be regarded as adult and civilised.

But it's neither.
Civilised adults respect other human beings and allow them to make informed choices. You and OM have decided that the wife is not to be allowed autonomy of choice.

You have referred to her expensive hobbies, the 1/2 million pension pot, the children etc. with scant regard. You have gleaned this intellegence from OM and mutual friends. You have overtly referred to her as class biased, snobbish, expensively high maintenence etc. It's snide and it's a clearly unbalanced view.

The mutual "friends" are clearly not friends of hers; and I wouldn't believe OM's account.

Hopefully, the wife is not as duplicitous as the pair of you; otherwise; by default, you could find yourself in sexual contact with the tennis coach, stable hand, the gardener; and half of the local rugby team. Sexual health can't be guaranteed.

I hope that your adult approach to this relationship also includes regular visits to a GUM clinic.

Unfortunately, the wife wasn't afforded the same opportunity to protect her own sexual health, when you embarked on the affair with her husband.

You're in a position where you are with a man that is still having sex with his wife but doesn't have the balls to leave an "unhappy/superficial" marriage; ostensibly because of monetary issues.

What a catch. A man with no balls, and you get sloppy seconds sex when he can lie/fit you in; oh, I forgot; you also have to be willing to fit him in as well; so that's alright then; that's very Bohemian, adult, Avante garde.... no actually; it's just shit.

Nothing happens in isolation; unless you're a hermit.
You have impinged on his family; and there have been consequences. Those consequences may have made the "little woman at home"; the way she is.

So he drops down dead tomorrow; and you Val have never existed.
You can't stand by the graveside or watch him role into the crematorium because you are his dirty secret; and it aint much to show for being the OW for ten odd years.

Good luck with that.

Thats so Val ... everyone deserves to celebrate their birthday .
You sound awfully accepting , i dont know how you do it.

I couldnt share the man i love , i think id rather split than share.

I think i sort understand the motives of an ow who wants the man to leave his wife/partner more...they want to be with him .Its just so different to me that you share and are happy with that.

Actually thats a point ,
If your an ow/om how would you cope if your bf/gf died or was taken very ill ?

His spouse would be in charge and you would be pushed out.

Total hijack here.

Valhalla you have refer several times on this thread to your age. You are only 46!! I may have read it all wrong but you seem to have a bit of a complex about it. It's not that old.

To all you women who are happy to be some blokes bit on the side
would you be happy for your daughter to be the wife of a man who
has the same morals as your shag buddy?

Why so emotive?

I personally hope that my daughter is happy and contented. If for her this means having affairs, then so be it. If she marries someone who has affairs, she is an adult woman who has made that choice. There is always the possibility that she might not even mind it, particularly.

I find the OW saying they are quiet open and all hang out with mututal friends really depressing. It would be horrible to find out DH was having an affair and totally humiliating to find out all my friends and inlaws were complicit. Your whole life would feel like a sham and unfairly the victim ends up looking stupid.