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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

OW/OM , I think they really are quite stupid .

258 replies

droves · 12/03/2011 14:28

Why would you want to have a relationship with someone , when you know you will only get at best 50% of their attention ?.

Not to mention missing out on all the nice things , like having them introduce you to their family and friends. Or being know as the girlfriend/boyfriend.

Why on earth would anyone one want to be kept secret , like a dirty secret?.

I cant understand why anyone would put up with that.

If you find out that the person you are seeing is married/has partner you get rid because they are
a) dishonest lying twat.
b) untrustworthy
c) will probably do it again when they get bored of you ,
and d) has a overblown sense of entitlement that they believe its their right to treat people so badly.

Dont buy the "but we fell in love , so its ok" line either.
Thats just stupid .
If they are decent they would split with their dp , before they make their mind up to persue someone else.
I dont believe ow/om are evil , just stupid. so aibu?.

OP posts:
Vallhala · 13/03/2011 09:00

karma, I'm on the wrong side of 45, educated and a born cynic who isn't in the habit of seeing the best in the human race. Of course I'm fully aware that he's getting his cake and eating it. He's getting it just as much as I am. Sure, I only get 50% of him - how much of me do you think he gets?

Being the most important person in the world to him or anyone else just isn't something I need.

I know exactly where I stand and I'm not insecure about it.... and I'm no fool. I do sometimes wonder (and this isn't meant to be insulting although I can see that it will seem it) if that's what some people want to think about me when they can't fit me into their own moral framework. I certainly don't think I've ever heard from someone who doesn't have strong moral views on the subject.

I guess that's a step up from the personal insults such as some of those above. :o

Vallhala · 13/03/2011 09:03

Sorry karma, I just suffered from cat on lap syndrome which caused me to lose part of what I was typing. I meant "I certainly don't think I've ever heard the comment that I'm fooling myself from someone who doesn't have strong moral views on the subject."

beesimo · 13/03/2011 09:11

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

KristinaM · 13/03/2011 09:24

I notice that some of the Ow who have posted on this thread make a big deal about the fact that they don't judge other, don't moralize etc. Then they go on to criticize their bfs wife for being dependent, manipulative, not working, living in a house their Dh paid for ( yeah coz that's a crime), spending their own money on cars and hobbies ( ditto) , being suicidal when they discover the affair, leading their own lives, being stupid because they MUST know about their dhs infidelity

And as to the line that they can't leave their marriage because it would damage their professional standing -I have yet to hear someone say " oh I wouldn't consult that doctor /lawyer/stockbroker, he's DIVORCED you know" Hmm

I also notice that in the cases mentioned on this thread the man concmred seems to be wealthy. Where are all the OWs of poor men?

Missymorrison87 · 13/03/2011 09:26

You may not "get" why people behave this way but guess what? Shit happens, and no ammount of preaching and telling us we are all stupid will change that.

WomanOfMassDestruction · 13/03/2011 09:28

They're on Netmums... Grin

fedupofnamechanging · 13/03/2011 09:33

Vallhala, as I read your posts I find myself feeling nearly as sorry for you as I do for your man's wife. He appears to have sucked you both in, the only difference being that you know about her and she doesn't know about you.

Maybe you really don't need to be the most important person in the world to someone else, but it would be nice, no? Certainly,you do deserve to be rated above the stocks and shares and his pension pot!

The problem with your arrangement for me is that his wife probably does believe that she is the most important person in her husbands life. I think a person shouldn't unknowingly have their life made into a lie. Obviously, he is responsible for that, but you are enabling him to do it. Do you really not care at all?

It's not my wish to be insulting to you, I just think that you and the wife deserve better than what the pair of you are getting.

Vallhala · 13/03/2011 09:34

beesimo, I resolved not to entertain you owing to your personal insults. I could ask MNHQ to delete them because of your deliberate breach of their policy but I'd rather let them stand for all to see as they say much more about you than they do about me. I haven't risen to the bait and I won't answer the questions you addressed to me after your first outburst because I don't

However I will correct you when you misquote me. Nowhere have I said "he's very wealthy". Why the hell would I try to impress MN, some of whom are extremely wealthy women in their own right, by making a childish claim like that? Those are your words, not mine. FWIW, the i/2 a million or thereabouts would be his share, not total, and I still don't consider that wealthy in this day and age. Think what you like, behave in an infantile manner by issing personal insults and calling me offensive names if you must, but let's stick to the facts please, shall we? And quit accusing me of lying whilst you're at it unless you have proof of your accusations, which are purely borne of moral outrage and spite. Please don't presume to know me.

That you know nothing of me, of him, of my friends or of his doesn't mean that the world is full of judgemental people who share your views. We have several friends who are married or in relationships with whom we socialise - at our ages most of us are not only realists we've been friends for far too long to allow opinions on each others sex lives to affect our friendships.

Vallhala · 13/03/2011 09:39

Kristina, I hope that you're not referring to me either as nowhere have I stated criticism for the wife of the man I see. I stated as fact that she has a comfortable life which is funded by him which she would be loathe to give up but nowhere have I said anything critical about her doing so. On the contrary, bloody good luck to her!

Vallhala · 13/03/2011 09:46

Well said Missy - ain't that a fact! :)

karma, telling a 46 year old woman that you "feel sorry" for her considered lifestyle choices is rather insulting actually. I feel sorry for those who are SAHM, who are tied to a baby by breastfeeding, who will say "I'd love to own a chameleon/go to Scotland/bellydance/whatever but my husband won't have any of it" or who have to discuss if they can have that chameleon and end up compromising by adopting a hamster but if I told every SAHM/BF/married woman that on here I reckon they'd all rapidly become rather insulted too!

beesimo · 13/03/2011 09:51

VAL True I don't know who you are but I sure know what you are.

spooktrain · 13/03/2011 09:52

I was the OW for four years out of a six year relationship. We were properly together for a year, then in different countries but seeing each other when we could, then I moved to his country and he promptly returned to his previous GF. nice guy eh?
I was obsessively infatuated with him and for four whole long years took every little crumb he managed to give me. I didn't give two hoots for the official GF, just kept pathetically hoping he would finally understand that it was ME he loved.
I finally, very painfully, severed all contact because I could see my sanity slipping away (and he continued to be the flippant player he had always been). Then I grew some self esteem, thank god, and I can't believe I put up with all that crap for so long.
So a sad little OW story that confirms some of your original ideas...

QOD · 13/03/2011 09:52

My friend is the OW - I think she's a fucking idiot who has no self respect.
He's a lying knob who has his cake & eats it too

beesimo · 13/03/2011 09:56

Val this is beesimos lass2 Mam is with physio now have just decided if you were in Eastenders you would be Glenda!!

LadyOfTheManor · 13/03/2011 10:07

WHy do women insist on "stealing" other women's husbands?

I understand the man is to blame as well, but if they know someone is married where on earth do they get their audacity?

Find a single man, and stop being a home wrecker. If you were even HALF of what his wife was worth, he would've left her by now...children or not.

Get some self respect.

HecateTheCrone · 13/03/2011 10:18

you cannot 'steal' another human being in any way, shape or form.

You can offer yourself or accept an offer, but you cannot steal someone. That implies that the person being 'stolen' was somehow a victim. Was taken, was removed without consent.

No. You cannot 'steal' someone's husband (or wife). Ever.

And if you look at my posts upthread, you will see that I do not say this because I am a fan of affairs! But I hate it when people talk of someone 'stealing' someone else's partner.

It is language that seeks to absolve the 'stolen' person of blame. ohh, she stole him from his wife.

No. She didn't. He decided to betray his wife. She did not break into his house in the dead of night, cosh him over the head and make away with him. He colluded with her in the cold betrayal of an innocent person instead of being honest with them.

LadyOfTheManor · 13/03/2011 10:23

I stand corrected.

Why offer yourself on a plate to a married man? (better)?

Furthermore, why be proud of the fact that you have tempted a man away from his home?

I am not a misogynist apologist (despite how I'm coming across!)

Mishy1234 · 13/03/2011 10:26

Being the OW isn't something I would choose to do, but I've never been in the situation to become one IYSWIM. My judgemental self agrees with you OP.

However, there are situations in which it's an arrangement that suits all parties. I have friends who exist quite happily knowing that their husbands/partners have another relationship and in all cases it's been a long term thing. I don't know if they would feel the same if he was flitting between partners.

I'm very split about it tbh. When my parents were together they were unhappy pretty much as long as I can remember. Maybe they would have been happier if they had such an arrangement? In the end they divorced. My Dad met someone else and remarried (very happy), but my Mum has suffered hugely, both emotionally and financially.

JoBettany · 13/03/2011 10:36

Sleeping with another woman's husband isn't a sophisticated lifestyle choice.

It is a massive error of judgement borne out of a lack of empathy, morality or self esteem.

The explanatory posts have been interesting to read but extremely sad.

HecateTheCrone · 13/03/2011 10:38

Grin yeah. better. sorry Blush

It's just the whole 'stolen him from his wife' shit makes me mad because I see it as yet another bloody example of making women responsible for the choices of men.

Vallhala · 13/03/2011 10:39

Oh for goodness sakes, let's stop the melodrama LOTM. I haven't "tempted a man away from his home". I didn't stand outside his house flashing my tits at him, he did a fair bit of the running too!

And it's not a case of being "proud of the fact" either, it's a case of stating how it is for me as openly as I can for the purpose of explaining that there are several types of OW and that we don't all act out of the same motivation, we don't all want the same things out of the relationships we have, we dom't all want the man to leave his wife and we are not all airheaded young seductresses who are fooled with promises to leave the wife and assurances that he doesn't sleep with her... in short, we don't all fit the stereotype.

As you've seen I'm happy to answer people's sensible and polite questions and I haven't risen to some of the abusive and offensive remarks directed at me despite continued attempts at provocation. I did say last night that I'm not going to rise to it or take myself too seriously.

On that note I'll say here and now that I spoke up to add balance to a subject that's interesting to debate. I'm bloody sure that I'm not the only OW on here but just one of the few who isn't unwilling to engage for fear of some of the responses.

Back on topic, I'd be interested to know what other women have experienced here - over the course of my adult life I have had a considerable number of married men come on to me (without encouragement). Have others had the same? NB - I grant you here that I'm in my 40s so have had more years than some of you have in which to experience this.

Bonsoir · 13/03/2011 10:40

It is very hard for marriages to last and be happy for 50 or so years. Many break down. If people were a little bit more sanguine about that and less obsessed with their own personal rule book morality, we might all find life a bit easier.

Vallhala · 13/03/2011 10:42

Lack of morality I will hold my hands up to Jo. Lack of empathy in this particular issue too. Lack of self esteem, no, though I often hear that accusation levelled at OW and whilst it may be true for some (many?) it irks me a bit when people assume that it's the case for all. I'm not accusing you of that, I'm just speaking in general.

KristinaM · 13/03/2011 10:43

If you are both in open relationship s or single the it s not really an affair is it? While that not something I would want to be part of, i don't judge others for choosing that lifestyle

It's the ones who cheat on their partners /spouses, while telling the OM/OW that their partners is a psychochotic, unstable, money grabbing , sex with holding, cheating scumbag. But they can't leave because of the money /kids/religion/ ageing parents/family business etc etc

macdoodle · 13/03/2011 10:44

I am 40, I have a good few married/in relationships men proposition me. One I actually saw for a few weeks before I found out, I liked him a lot, I chucked him straight away and walked away. Another was a one night stand, he mentioned it casually over breakfast, I got dressed and left.
But then I have morals, and empathy for the innocent party, and some self respect. Valhalla take that as a personal insult if you wish, I couldnt care less.

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