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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

OW/OM , I think they really are quite stupid .

258 replies

droves · 12/03/2011 14:28

Why would you want to have a relationship with someone , when you know you will only get at best 50% of their attention ?.

Not to mention missing out on all the nice things , like having them introduce you to their family and friends. Or being know as the girlfriend/boyfriend.

Why on earth would anyone one want to be kept secret , like a dirty secret?.

I cant understand why anyone would put up with that.

If you find out that the person you are seeing is married/has partner you get rid because they are
a) dishonest lying twat.
b) untrustworthy
c) will probably do it again when they get bored of you ,
and d) has a overblown sense of entitlement that they believe its their right to treat people so badly.

Dont buy the "but we fell in love , so its ok" line either.
Thats just stupid .
If they are decent they would split with their dp , before they make their mind up to persue someone else.
I dont believe ow/om are evil , just stupid. so aibu?.

OP posts:

FattyArbuckel · 12/03/2011 15:56

"stupidity" is completely irrelevant to the issue of the OW - are you confusing this with morality?

fedupofnamechanging · 12/03/2011 16:23

I have no time for people who sleep with other peoples husbands/wives.

I don't believe in love at first sight, only attraction. A person can choose whether or not to act on that attraction, pursue a relationship and fall in love. If someone is married then the other person should steer well clear.

Obviously primary responsibility is with the person who is actually married. It is a shitty thing to do, to lie and deceive the person who you have promised to love forever and personally I wouldn't want to get involved with a man who can behave that way. The OW owes the wife nothing, except perhaps common decency, so this reflects on her as a person too. I don't know - perhaps they deserve each other.

A person can maybe not help falling out of love, but they can choose to behave with respect and care or not. They should end one relationship before embarking on a new one.

I think different rules apply if the marriage is an open one, where both people know where they stand.

As far as the stupidity part goes, they say a man who marries his mistress creates a vacancy. Personally, I'd rather not marry someone who cheated on a previous partner.

Original poster

droves · 12/03/2011 17:54

re : has this been done to you ?
... No , my current DH is (as far as i know) a caring and considerate husband aho has not had an ow.
It did in past relationships i had, and almost every one i know has had relationships that have been affected (ending or not) by this kind of selfish behaviour.

Given how common it is to cheat/be cheated on , i wondered why it happens? ( I do admit to chucking a bf when i met someone i was more attracted too, so i avoided an "overlap" iykwim?)
.
However , the amount of people who admit to actually being om/ow ,in rl is very few.

Im sure its not the same person whos doing the rounds, but as its not brought up in conversation to i wondered if its a stupid error that the om/ow would rather not admit too?.

Some people (understandably) defend being an ow/om because thats how their relationship started , and others (who have been hurt) demonise the other party in a triangle.
Ive noticed that no-one has posted that they have been an ow/om and in hindsight felt that it was a stupid or wrong thing to do.

OP posts:

Original poster

droves · 12/03/2011 17:59

No stupidity is stupidity .Morality is different.

By stupid i mean ...the om/ow are getting involved with known and practiced liars. That is stupid because if they lie they cant be trusted...so a good chance that the om/ow will get hurt themselves (as well as everyone else).

I dont mean stupid as in unintellegent...

OP posts:

FattyArbuckel · 12/03/2011 18:02

But stupid does mean unintelligent
I think you are talking about morality.

Everyone tells some lies sometimes so what you say makes no sense to me

LilQueenie · 12/03/2011 18:08

ok lets go. I was the OW. My Dp and his ex were my friends for years. Or at least he was she was quite jealous a lot of the time. Tended to put me down a lot. However she then asked me to help find her ex online as she thought her then partner (my now dp) was not the one. I told her to tell him the truth. She didnt. Actually she also never told him about all the times she had unprotected sex one summer and he still believes her over me! Anyway. One summer DP and I spent about 2 weeks making the most of the summer instead of staying indoors. She didnt want to join in as usual so Dp and I had lots of time together. We fell for each other and I told him to end it if he wanted us to be together. So for a few weeks yes we met in secret.

Was I wrong? No I dont think so. He found it hard to leave but there was nothing intimate between them in that time we were together. Eventually he finished it but she stayed in the house for a few weeks so that she could sort somthing out. (Not that she bothered doing so) We are now expecting a child.

Original poster

droves · 12/03/2011 18:09

No , i dont think you "get " what i mean.
Will try to explain better.

bloke has degree , has been to uni ..is intellegent .
Still does very stupid things ... like drinking till he passes out .
So hes stupid , but clever at the same time.

Its sort of like that.

And theres telling lies ...and telling great big stonking lies repeatedly and getting very good at it with the practice .

Morality is something else .
IS being an ow/om a moral thing ? probably not.
Is it a stupid thing to do ? ...different question

OP posts:

Original poster

droves · 12/03/2011 18:23

LilQueenie ... You told her to tell him what she was up too/thinking. You told your now Dp to end it with his ex before you would be with him . And she was repeatedly cheating on him...and lying about it.
Would you say you have seen both sides of this ?

I wouldnt say you were a ow in the.

For what its worth , i married my ex-bf's best friend.

OP posts:

Original poster

droves · 12/03/2011 18:26

in the past , not in the.
duh.

OP posts:

LilQueenie · 12/03/2011 18:33

Well she tried to find her ex behind his back. The sleeping with people was before they began seeing each other but she claimed she had only slept with one person, something not true as she told me otherwise. He was not aware of it at all and tbh she could have given him an std because of it. We did see each other and he broke of the wedding but she was convinced they were still engaged but not getting married. She didnt quite understand what it meant to finish with someone so yes I did carry on seeing him at that point.

HecateTheCrone · 12/03/2011 18:34

I think the word you mean is not stupid, but foolish.

Would that be it?

Original poster

droves · 12/03/2011 18:38

How can you think if your dp calls of a wedding that you're "still engaged" . Thats a tiny bit deluded...
Your dp finished with her.

OP posts:

LilQueenie · 12/03/2011 18:39

actually this was in july he wanted to give her to may to move out but I gave the ultimatium of do it sooner otherwise Im not going to believe you really mean it. im happy to say he saw sense. If not then I would have a fool to believe he really wanted to be with me.

dementedma · 12/03/2011 18:39

FFS OP - those judgey pants must be giving you a major wedgie!

LilQueenie · 12/03/2011 18:41

exactly she practically lived in a world of her own. That was why he found it so hard to end it becaause he truly didnt want to hurt her but that was going to happen anyway either that he was going to hurt by staying in a loveless relationship.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 12/03/2011 18:42

Sorry - you are being unreasonable - must be the lack of oxygen from occupying such a high moral ground.

Who other people sleep with and why they do it is none of your business.

Original poster

droves · 12/03/2011 18:55

Hecate ...foolish perhaps is a better word.
.

Lilqueenie , but the ex didnt really want your dp anyway if she was hunting her ex-boyfriend.I doubt she was really hurt by your dp dumping her in the end...mabey a little bit of dented pride. (congrats on the baby btw )

demented &tondelay .... im not trying to judge , more trying to understand.

If my opinion is wrong , then change it .
Like i posted before , almost everyone i know has had a relationship that been affected by ow/om/or cheating partner or themselves.
I know mabey 2 or 3 couples who havent .(to my knowledge ).
I also posted that i dont think om/ow are "evil" .

OP posts:

HecateTheCrone · 12/03/2011 19:19

yup.

You know this is mumsnet. What did you expect?

If you take a grape in a supermarket it's pitchforks at dawn but if you judge someone who smacks their kid off their feet on the bus or think that it's wrong for someone to shag their best mates wife on the pool table in front of him and then drink his beer afterwards, then you're a foul person.

Original poster

droves · 12/03/2011 20:08

lol Hecate .... i have seen a lot of op's get a worse roasting than this .

OP posts:

Sassybeast · 12/03/2011 20:12

YANBU. But there are loads of two timing adulterers on MN so you'll get pasted for believing that some people just have the morals of an alley cat and don't give a shit how many peoples lives they rip apart. And yeah - settling for being a bit on the side is pretty stupid.

iscream · 12/03/2011 20:20

I agree with you droves. Have the decency to leave your spouse, don't string them along.

Original poster

droves · 12/03/2011 20:30

It sort of makes sense , in that if you end a relationship with one person , before starting another with someone else , then there will be no animosity between them....so you would be able to stay friends, iykwim?.

People do tend to hate/blame the ow/om , and it can make life difficult at times( if the ow/om becomes the current partner).Especially if there are lasting ties...(children , same circle of friends , relatives that are close to original partner).

Having an "overlap" from what i can see , only causes extra problems in the long term.
So the person who is the "cheater" doesnt have a lot of thought for the om/ow either.

OP posts:

AllDirections · 12/03/2011 20:36

YANBU When I met DD3's dad I specifically checked with him that he didn't have a girlfriend and that he wasn't engaged or married (this was on our first date) and he told me no on all accounts. Roll on a year and I was 3 months pregnant (didn't think I was able to have more children)and he told me that he'd married someone else 6 months before then. To say I was gutted was an understatement but I couldn't get past the lies and the fact that he'd cheated on me (with his own wife! WTF) so I ended the relationship. I couldn't be the OW, it just isn't right.

I don't know how anyone can become involved with a married man. If you don't know they're married but you find out later then you should end the relationship no matter how much it hurts. Being pregnant at the time made it so much harder for me and I can still get upset about it 5 years later but I wasn't going to be the OW!

Vallhala · 12/03/2011 20:45

"Why on earth would anyone one want to be kept secret , like a dirty secret?." Because it's bloody good fun!

"I cant understand why anyone would put up with that." See above.

You carry on moralising and I'll carry on having fun. :o

fedupofnamechanging · 12/03/2011 20:48

Not so much fun for the person kept in the dark though is it?

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