OW/OM , I think they really are quite stupid .

[droves]

Why would you want to have a relationship with someone , when you know you will only get at best 50% of their attention ?.

Not to mention missing out on all the nice things , like having them introduce you to their family and friends. Or being know as the girlfriend/boyfriend.

Why on earth would anyone one want to be kept secret , like a dirty secret?.

I cant understand why anyone would put up with that.

If you find out that the person you are seeing is married/has partner you get rid because they are
a) dishonest lying twat.
b) untrustworthy
c) will probably do it again when they get bored of you ,
and d) has a overblown sense of entitlement that they believe its their right to treat people so badly.

Dont buy the "but we fell in love , so its ok" line either.
Thats just stupid .
If they are decent they would split with their dp , before they make their mind up to persue someone else.
I dont believe ow/om are evil , just stupid. so aibu?.

well it's a releif for me to finally speak of it.

I know damned well it was wrong, it was wrong on both sides.

No it wasn't worth the pain. I would never react to a married man again. I somehow don't see that happening, it isn't something i feel would come along again.

The last 9 months i have spent trying to ignore him, hard when someone is also in turmoil and desp wants to see you. We had lots of opportunities to see each other, but we didn't. We tried bloody hard to be sensible and i am mrs bloody sensible.

Yet i wasn't was i.

LOTM, thrill? Hmm.. dunno about thrill, not after more than 10 years and us in our 40s and 50s respectively. :o

We're both only half interested, tbh, as I've said in earlier posts. He offers a very sharp brain, cracking sense of humour, kind heart, generous spirit, is good in bed, is very astute, shares many interests with me (except for dogs, he's scared of GSDs, of which I have 2)... and although there are single men out there like that too many of them comme with drawbacks. They come with a desire to want too much or to control, they come with a lack of understanding when I put my children first...

And, as the saying goes, if it ain't broke why fix it? Why would I ditch someone who provides me with everything I want and no more when I already have it?

Yes, before anyone says it, that's selfish, but there it is. I'm not denying that type of allegation.

I'm intrigued...not to be confused with approval.

Do you know who is wife is? Have you ever been close to being caught out?

his*

Yes that was a brave post pirate, an honest one. Shame some people are still so judgmental. I would really like to get one of those devices that can tell you the intimate details of other people's relationships and feelings at any time. Not sure why people get so worked up on behalf of someone they don't know and who has not posted here. I can understand why you would feel anger on behalf of a specific person though.

As for there being loads of men who are single - well to be fair, a lot of them are single for a reason...

Is an emotional affair the same as as physical one ?

fwiw i think anyone who stays in a loveless unhappy marriage is doing the wrong thing. End it and leave , give each other the chance to be happy .

I have no respect for men who use this as an excuse to justify cheating .It does not make it fair.

I have nothing but respect for people who end and leave an unhappy marriage , without dragging another party into the mess.

Just coming back to this....

As posted upthread, I was the OW, I'm not a bitch either. If I was, I'm sure all my many friends would have shunned me, but none did. As stated earlier, they were in the main sympathetic, and not one disapproving. Possibly because they knew the situation (as some of them knew him - and his wife - as well).

I know it might come as a surprise to some on this thread, but we were perfectly able to socialise openly with friends, all our friends and colleagues were aware of our relationship. Most people in RL - or certainly those that I meet - are/were not judgmental.

Also to come back to the rich man bit, the MM I was seeing wasn't rich in the slightest. Both I and his wife earn nearly 3 times what he does. So money wasn't my motivator.

As for there being lots of single men around, yes there are, but quantity does not equal quality. If the standard of single men were so great, I would not be on my own 2 years after splitting with my MM.

LOTM, I have met his wife once, very briefly, by chance at a local event - literally saw the woman whilst wandering around with a friend, my friend passed a few words with her and as we moved on my friend said, "Oh that's X's wife!". It was about three or 4 years before I got involved with him.

We've never come close to being caught and although we socialise with mutual friends in the town in which he lives, both in houses and in restaurants, pubs etc, we mostly socialise and meet away from there. We would do this anyway as we are both nearish to a city which has much more to offer and I'd have doubtless exactly the same sort of social life with a single man in this respect.

Tondelayo I agree wholeheartedly that many men are single for a reason, particularly when you get to my age!

Pirate , for some reason i just want to hug you .
All i see when i read your posts is that you are hurting.

Val ... you post about the bloke as you would a friend ....just one you happen to sleep with .

I think sometimes there are reasons why both parties stay in unhappy marriages/relationships - I put up with DV/EA for 7 years with my Ex, for at least 6 of those years I knew the relationship had no future but I didn't leave, for emotional but also financial reasons. The act of leaving can often be quite hard - and if you are a man, the likelihood is that your wife/partner will keep the house and the children, and you will end up in a bedsit, or shared house, taking the kids to the zoo of a sunday. I know if I was a man, I wouldn't want to lose my home or have very limited contact with my children.

We knew each other for 3 yrs in a workman/customer capacity.

One day he text me about said work, my dd was going thru some health probs, and he offered practical help.

This was neutral. He then said something via text that was flirty.

I was shocked. At that point I should have walked away from the whole thing. I didn't, i asked what was he playing at, he said he had always felt a connction to me. I was shocked.

From then on it escalated to sharing feelings. Not once did i get the oh i am so unhappy at home she doesn't understand me, there was no mamkingme feel sorry or excusing himself. It was always 'why are we in contact, we must stop, i don't get this'

Lots of me saying, i do not want to be an other woman, you need to sort your shit. This went on with sometimes a few weeks inbetwen contact.

We met twice between may and august, in a pub in broad daylight to anaylise it. Both times walked away, sad but in agreement we had to walk away.

But it continued, we missed each other.

In this time i became more attatched to him to having him in my life. During this time, another man gave me his phone number, we met for a beer. He was married.

I told him where to go. You just never know.

I think the attatchment and hope of having love and happiness is a drug. We all want that.

We went shopping once, and after that we slept together, i got very upset and said, there is no way this can continue, it's not fair, on me, on your wife, you won't make a decision so i have to walk. I was torn. But that was last november and have been trying ever since.

The guy has had a breakdown, been on anti depressents, and has hurt his family. Yet he must work it out for himself.

and [hugs]

Ok so you know the man is married. What's wrong with saying yes I fancy you a lot get back to me when your marriage is over?

In my world, most of my colleagues are having or have had affairs. It just does happen quite a lot. An awful lot more than some of the naysayers on this thread seem to think.

As to what causes it - a bit of sexual excitement and connection for a while. People don't want to break their families up for a fling.

All this 'dirty secret' stuff is a bit melodramatic IMO.

HATESPONGE and VAL my daughter has just told me you are probably the same person posting under different names is this not all a bit daft.

PIRECAT you sound like a genuine person who has made a mistake and has more than paid for it. You have to let yourself off the hook you are not to keep punishing yourself. There is a big difference between girls like you and some of the sad mad and just plain bad women that are about.

beesimo, is what a bit daft? And for the record, I'm not Val and she isn't me!

"What's wrong with saying yes I fancy you a lot get back to me when your marriage is over?"

Nothing, if you feel it is necessary to love someone to sleep with them, and that monogamy is a state of being that is necessary.

I've only known the type of affairs where the OW is very much wanting to end up with the mm. Take shared custody of children etc

I don't know anyone that is casually having affairs.. Ie they haven't told me they are anyway...

HATESPONGE you being just a little echo echo style person

Goodness me, I know stacks of people having casual affairs. I've just counted up to 10 without pausing for breath. And my world is a perfectly normal professional working environment.

Am sure. Many of my friends are in early baby, married stage. And most talk about how great there husbands are etc. Who knows what will unravel as we get older.

Beesimo, I happen to have had some similar experiences to Val wrt the affair I was involved in. That is to be expected in any scenario.

However in many ways our situations are/were very different - the main being that she is happy with hers, I was not and ended it as I wanted to be with him all the time. If you would like me to list the many differences I am happy to do so!

aaah their!

Having a sexual or emotional affair with someone (married or not) who has a partner who is clueless about the affair is wrong. Your bit of fun is more important than someone else's misery, betrayal, heartbreak etc? People are really jerks if the think this is ok. Pretending it's anything other than screwing another person over for kicks is just adding insult to injury.

I am sure there are exceptions to that rule - scenarios where it becomes less of a jerky thing to do. I can personally think of several. But my snap judgement, without knowing anyone's personal circumstances, would be that the parties involved in an affair are jerks. Everyone makes judgements - that is mine. It wont fit all cases, but the majority it will.

Thinking back about this, you are right, MB. Hadn't realised this before, but it's much more prevalent when people are in their forties.