OW/OM , I think they really are quite stupid .

[droves]

Why would you want to have a relationship with someone , when you know you will only get at best 50% of their attention ?.

Not to mention missing out on all the nice things , like having them introduce you to their family and friends. Or being know as the girlfriend/boyfriend.

Why on earth would anyone one want to be kept secret , like a dirty secret?.

I cant understand why anyone would put up with that.

If you find out that the person you are seeing is married/has partner you get rid because they are
a) dishonest lying twat.
b) untrustworthy
c) will probably do it again when they get bored of you ,
and d) has a overblown sense of entitlement that they believe its their right to treat people so badly.

Dont buy the "but we fell in love , so its ok" line either.
Thats just stupid .
If they are decent they would split with their dp , before they make their mind up to persue someone else.
I dont believe ow/om are evil , just stupid. so aibu?.

"As I and others have said, life is not black and white. When we make vows and promises, we (usually) mean them at the time but things, and people, change. If the other perso has broken some of their promises too, "

And I strongly disagree with that. Your morals change, over time, in a relationship? No. My morals haven't changed. And yes, in a relationship we all get hurt. every month. Minor things. someone lets you down a tiny bit, or isn't as loving at one time, as they were at another time.
Thats called the normal ups and down of relationships. Not just with dh but with my best friend we have had varying degrees of closeness , over the last 20 years.
But just because someone lets you down, you don't do a childish tit-for-tat, oh They hurt me, so its o.k. I can hurt them/break my promises too. It doesn't work like that, does it ?

yes but some peoples morals DO change in a relationship, i have seen it. A close friend of mines dh changed and went off with someone, his morals changed, or did his feelings change?

Your dh is in love with you, and you both want the same, you have the same morals, as do pro most people who have married. I made that commitment to my ex dh, he to me. When he left me, someone said to me 'oh well people change' but i didn't get it, i thought nope, this man and i know what we are doing and how we go about our relationship, its almost an unwritten understanding.

His feelings for me changed, he couldn't and didn't let me know for a long time, for what ever reason under pressure. He left, so his moral attitude to our relationship must have changed!!!

Is this what happens when a married person has an affair? I don't know. Something changes. Me, morally, i would hope i do my best, but no, morally me reacting to the guy i fell in love with was morally wrong. I can't explain, why i didn't have the strength, the insight, the morals to walk away for good, i tried very very hard, hence nothing happened physically for a long time. Yet HE would not leave me be and couldn't get his head round why he was feeling this way.

It's v hard to explain.

IME people only do this cos there is something wrong in their own relationship they are too lazy or unable to fix its a selfish option. So the OM/OW are just being used mostly and its up to them to judge.

But then some people do have issues with serial dating/addictions and are just greedy.

If people have agreed to have an open relationship then fair enough but even still if the OM/OW is ok with this then thats up to them.

Just so you know, I very gently told my friend that she needs to get some self respect and either walk away or stop seeing him until he decides one way or the other.

I said that he is having his cake & eating it, that it's not fair on his family, his kids and certainly his wife - but more importantly - what signal is it giving HER 10 yr old daughter? Her mum is not worth living with? It's ok to cheat when you are married? Lying is acceptable?

She took it well and said she was arriving at this decision herself ........ sort of

And I strongly disagree with that. Your morals change, over time, in a relationship? No. My morals haven't changed. And yes, in a relationship we all get hurt. every month. Minor things. someone lets you down a tiny bit, or isn't as loving at one time, as they were at another time.
Thats called the normal ups and down of relationships.

I think the above is a very simplistic view. For example, my ex abused me mentally and physically. I was young and not strong enough to leave. I thought it was my fault. Ultimately, I cheated, because someone else was kind to me and it felt nice. It didn't work, in the long run, but it did actually make me realise how unhappy I was and gave me the strength to leave a very unhappy and troubled marriage.

In my experience, people don't cheat because they are a little bit hurt, or beacsue of the normal ups and downs of a marriage. Often (but not always) there is a huge problem in the marriage and the cheating is a symptom of that. Not saying that makes it ok, but certainly in my case, and others I know of, that was very much the case.

And it wasn't a childish reaction of me thinking "ok, you hit me so I'll get you back by having an affair" at all. It was just something I got sucked into and it is only with hindsight and the passing of many years that I can look back and make sense of it all.

I'm not saying it's ok, but it is definitely more complicated than you imply. Or at least, it was for me.

I'm with the 'it's wrong don't do it' category. And that's coming from a woman who fell in love with a person, whilst engaged to someone else.

There is absolutely no reason to need to cheat. Not even for love. Either end the current relationship or have an open relationship.

Personally I don't understand why it's the OW/OM position that is in question. Surely it's the man or woman who is cheating on their partner who is a fault - they are the ones who have made a commitment and they are breaking the trust, not the fault of the OW/OM and I don't believe they are stupid/less moral/foolish than the rest of us. (Obviously excluding people who only go after married men/women - those people are well and truly weird and have issues IMO).

I didn't cheat FWIW. I couldn't do that to someone I respected and liked enough to have a relationship with in the first place.

Pirate, I think I see morals a bit differently.
Here are two links I found :

What are the differences between values, morals and ethics? They all provide behavioral rules, after all. It may seem like splitting hairs, but the differences can be important when persuading others.

Values are the rules by which we make decisions about right and wrong, should and shouldn't, good and bad. They also tell us which are more or less important, which is useful when we have to trade off meeting one value over another.

Morals have a greater social element to values and tend to have a very broad acceptance. Morals are far more about good and bad than other values. We thus judge others more strongly on morals than values. A person can be described as immoral, yet there is no word for them not following values.

What are morals and do we really need morals? Morals are laws that guide us to appropriate behavior. When people have morals or when they keep God's law, there is order and things are done in love for God and love for our fellow man. Blessings come from keeping God's laws (Deuteronomy 28:1-2).

What our children have learned is, instead of giving, they have learned getting, they have learned to destroy instead of building, they have learned to cheat and lie and do whatever it takes to get ahead; to take advantage of the weak; and instead of forgiving, they have learned it's more important to get even. Walking away from a fight or forgiving someone is a sign of weakness.

So in answer to the situation Pirate posted about. I think you never really know someones TRUE morals, until maybe its too late. and I don't think morals changed, probably his feelings did, we just didn't know what his morals were until then.

My morals will never change. I know what is right and wrong. And that won't change. I may make mistakes in my judgement, or be so selfish I over ride my inner voice, but that is my choice.

I think my views on affairs are that they are just wrong. And that the deceit and lies are offensive, and not treating someone with the respect they truely deserve. Although I am not a strong christian , I think we all know that we should treat others in the way we wish to be treated. How can you ever argue against it.
we all fail, constantly, but we should atleast try to do that, no ?

it's so hard to differentiate in my position, because my ex husband carried on behaving disgustingly towards me and my dd. In the end dd does not see him anymore, and therefore i feel even if he didn't love me, ie his feelings changed, morally his morals should have remained unchanged. In the very first instance, his feelings changed, and i had to accept that, but for me so did his morals, and they continued to get worse.

My morals have remained the same, i hope with regards to how i walk my path. I made a mistake, and i have learnt from it.