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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

OW/OM , I think they really are quite stupid .

258 replies

droves · 12/03/2011 14:28

Why would you want to have a relationship with someone , when you know you will only get at best 50% of their attention ?.

Not to mention missing out on all the nice things , like having them introduce you to their family and friends. Or being know as the girlfriend/boyfriend.

Why on earth would anyone one want to be kept secret , like a dirty secret?.

I cant understand why anyone would put up with that.

If you find out that the person you are seeing is married/has partner you get rid because they are
a) dishonest lying twat.
b) untrustworthy
c) will probably do it again when they get bored of you ,
and d) has a overblown sense of entitlement that they believe its their right to treat people so badly.

Dont buy the "but we fell in love , so its ok" line either.
Thats just stupid .
If they are decent they would split with their dp , before they make their mind up to persue someone else.
I dont believe ow/om are evil , just stupid. so aibu?.

OP posts:
Original poster
droves · 12/03/2011 20:49

Alldirections .... thats my point .Your ex lied ...he didnt have enough respect for you , or for his wife to tell the truth .
You asked him if he was married/engaged/girlfriend and he said no ...vile way to act.

OP posts:
TaudrieTattoo · 12/03/2011 20:52

Done a bit of TA, want my twopeno'rth worth?

TA talks about all of us having an inner child, adult and parent. The child is often wild and instinctive, the adult is reasoned and logical and the parent is judgy.

I've read a lot of infidelity threads on here, have listened to friends in RL.

I reckon a lot of OM/OW are people who let their child be in charge, for whatever reason. Perhaps because of past hurts, their child is hungry for attention/stimulation, and can't resist when it is offered, even when the inner adult knows it's not the smartest move.

Those who make good, logical decisions about relationships have a good strong adult going on.

And those who judge people as "stupid" have a strong and mouthy parent.

Original poster
droves · 12/03/2011 20:57

Val ...odd idea of fun .
What's fun about only seeing someone when they can sneek away from their dp/spouse ?.

Fun is walking down the street holding someones hand and not caring who sees .

Fun is showing off that amazing person ( who makes yourheart beat that little bit faster when you look at them), to your friends and family.Having them b welcomed into your life by everyone.

Fun is not waiting for a txt , meeting in secret in a carpark or lying about where your going and who your with.

OP posts:
madwomanintheattic · 12/03/2011 20:59

it's probably eminently practical if you don't want commitment, and don't want to run the risk of a 'casual' getting serious. it's not ethical, or moral, but it certainly isn't stupid.

the cheater might be stupid but not the ow or the om. that's what i don't really understand about vitriol directed towards the ow/om tbh. totally misplaced.

fwiw, i've never cheated or been cheated upon to my knowledge. (well, except at the early boyfriend/ girlfriend 'two-timing' stage). i just think that ridiculous comments directed towards the ow/om make the speaker out to be less than, um, intelligent. as though they aren't clever enough to see things from another person's pov.

rest assured if dh was to have an affair, it wouldn't be the ow i would be accusing of being stupid. him, me, for sure. her? nah.

Original poster
droves · 12/03/2011 21:00

strong mouthy parent ?
Grin .
Thats about right.

OP posts:
Original poster
droves · 12/03/2011 21:06

I think cheaters are more devious , than stupid/foolish.

I still dont get why being om/ow is preferable over casual or open relationship ?.

Both situations , would only have limited time with the bf/gf..but one would cause pain /hurt to someone .

OP posts:
beesimo · 12/03/2011 21:08

There are a lot of lives destroyed by people being 'in love' mainly little lives. There have been a few occasions when I have been lovesick over the course of a long marrige as I am sure my DH has. We have never voiced our acted on these whims because to do so is utterly selfish. Love is not just something you feel a emotion it is something you decide to do a action. Yes there have been reasons to runoff but you work and work at it. Because at the end of the day if you look at the kids faces you'll soon see who loves who.

Vallhala · 12/03/2011 21:15

madwoman, you've summed the whole practicality issue up very accurately in your first two sentences - for me that's pretty much it.

droves, you do know that I have no intention whatsoever of taking you (or myself) too seriously on this issue, don't you? And that no matter how many cries of "Stupid!" you holler I'm not going to get too stressed about it?

I'll indulge entertain you though and answer your questions. You will doubtless never approve but maybe you'll see where some OW are coming from.

Your first question - I can only see him when he can get away, true. He can only see ME when it suits me too. It works both ways. I don't want full on, constantly there company, the whole idea of that is very offputting.

We can walk down the street holding hands - he's unlikely to meet anyone he knows and I don't, we live some miles from each other.

My friends and family pretty much all know him. We have several mutual friends, as this is how we met. Those friends who don't know him are in that situation through distance or lack of opportunity, not because I "can't" introduce him to them. Likewise I know some of his friends, colleagues and family.

I don't wait for anyone. I'm not the sort to wait by the phone. Neither do I lie to anyone about where I'm going or who I'm going with.

The issues you raise as "not fun" are non-issues to me.

issey6cats · 12/03/2011 21:17

not all OWs realise that they are the OW, i met my now DH in another town to where i live, was on a weekend away from home with girlfriends
i was most definitely single, he told me that he was split from his then partner, we lived 50 miles from each other, had a long distance relationship for nine months basically he came over to mine when i had my two days off work, introduced me to his mom and sister in the town he lived in, then nine months later he moved in with me, i only realised after we had become a proper couple that his so called spiteful ex was telling the truth that he wasnt single was living with her and kids and she chucked him out when she found out about me, remember i was still under the impression that he was seperated, ok maybe i should have lobbed him out for lying to me, but i didnt we have been married 6 years now and i have told him i would cut hiss ollocks off if i caught him cheating on me and no i dont consider myself stupid maybe naive at the start

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 12/03/2011 21:18

I agree with Beesimo about destroying family lives. That's why I don't agree with those who say that people should just leave their partner if they are attracted to someone else - very simplistic.

Vallhala · 12/03/2011 21:20

droves, purely out of interest, what's inspired you to start this thread? A particular situation in your life which has troubled/angered you or is it just one of those things to have a discussion about on a Saturday night?

macdoodle · 12/03/2011 21:23

Val, you're utter and complete lack of though or compassion for the other innocent party is truly repugnant to me. You sound like a vile, odious narcissist, I hope its fun for you when the shit comes and hits you in the face.

Vallhala · 12/03/2011 21:26

macdoodle.

macdoodle · 12/03/2011 21:28

Ugh, foul and nasty, ejoy your "fun" life, I'll enjoy my "real one".

Original poster
droves · 12/03/2011 21:28

Val , thank you for your post. It is an eyeopener.
You have given me something to think about.

Doesnt it get weird if your mutual friends speak about his OH ? Do you know her too ?

Do you think about him with his OH or is it something that doesnt bother you ?

Sorry for all the questions , trying to see the other side. Smile

OP posts:
beesimo · 12/03/2011 21:36

Val that truly childish post you have just put up shows one and all just how pathetic you are. You are not in some exciting film you are a sad immature girl/woman who needs to realise that time passes real fast and unless you wise up you will end up the bitter spiteful old tart that men only bother with after last orders

HalfPastWine · 12/03/2011 21:38

OP - Never judge someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes.

Original poster
droves · 12/03/2011 21:38

Val i started this thread , because i am curious as to why some people are ow/om .

I look at my dh and i couldnt bear to "share" him with somone else. I really cant understand why its enough for some.

There was another thread , recently where the wife was devastated on finding out about OW. Her whole world was based around her dh ...Sad.

A friend of mine has an ow problem.
The ow is also a lawyer , so she has a lot of hassle with money and houses ...obviously her H is getting free advice on how to screw them both.

OP posts:
Vallhala · 12/03/2011 21:38

Thank you for your courtesy despite our differing outlooks, droves. I'll try and answer as best I can.

I've met his wife once, in passing and by chance, about 5 years before he and I got together. A few mutual friends have met her on a couple of social occasions but she decided that she didn't like them/their lifestyles, very much on a basis of their class, and so for many years he has socialised without her... going to friends' barbeques, to the local, to days out boating, meals with friends and so on without her. Therefore our mutual friends have no "conflict" of interests so to speak, on that score.

Some disapprove, but as was said by a good (Catholic) friend to her DH, "It doesn't matter what I think, it isn't going to stop them, is it!". We don't, in our circle of friends, let our own opinions on this get in the way of friendship. I guess we're too old to be moralising about each otehrs' lifestyles.

Do I think about him with her? Perhaps once, years ago, but not now, not after 10 years of being the OW.

Original poster
droves · 12/03/2011 21:42

Halfpastwine ... i have no intention of walking in ow shoes. If i ever found myself in the situation of being misinformed of a mans marital status i would run a mile.

OP posts:
Vallhala · 12/03/2011 21:42

beesimo, I really can't be arsed to rise to it but I thought I'd acknowledge that I read your vitriol all the same. This will be the last time I do so.

Hatesponge · 12/03/2011 21:44

Life is very far from black and white much of the time, and whilst it would be nice to assume you will meet the right man, you will both be single, and live happily ever after together, often it's not that simple.

I've been the OW, I am most certainly not stupid. Far from it, in fact.

WRT being devious, with one exception, I made no secret of what was going on, as I was single and had nothing to hide - a similar situation to Valhalla's in fact.

Original poster
droves · 12/03/2011 21:50

Val ...10 years ! .Does the wife know ,but turn a blind eye?

Do you have any children with the man ?

Does the wife ?

How does xmas and birthdays go ?

What happens with holidays ?

Do you call yourself his girlfriend/partner ? mistress?

OP posts:
Original poster
droves · 12/03/2011 21:53

Hatesponge ... can i ask you how that ended ? .feel free to tell me to go jump

OP posts:
dementedma · 12/03/2011 21:57

Val - I could hug you!