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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I can take it if I am, honest! (Long - sorry). Maybe more of a WWYD?

252 replies

itisnotgoingwelltoday · 10/03/2011 12:30

I'm having a lot of what I think are small irritations with my ex husband and I need some perspective.

DD's are 12 and 9.

I've posted before about how he expects me to remember what he is doing with the kids and remind him

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1157907-To-think-my-XH-should-NOT-be-ringing-me-about-this

So, anyway, last week he was supposed to be picking the kids up after school on Thursday (as I work early on a Friday he takes them to school on Friday morning).

But it didn't suit him so he phoned me and asked if I would get them - which I did, I can do a good bit of stuff from home so I organised myself and collected them.

I'd asked him what time he'd be picking them up from mine at, he said 5.15, so I said "So, you'll give them tea then?" Obviously, he said yes he would.

To cut a long story short (coz this is long enough already lol) he was uncontactable on his mobile so I gave the kids their tea and he eventually turned up at 7.20pm

So this week he turned up on Tuesday to drop some stuff off, and DD1 realised she'd left some uniform things at his. He totally went off on one, kicking the kerb and shouting at me. I said "How did you not realise she'd gone in sports stuff from yours in the morning"

Again, to cut a long story short, it has transpired that he does not get up in the morning before DD1 goes to school, she gets herself and DD2 ready, they muck out horses, she makes packed lunches for them and then she gets the bus to school. He then gets up in time to take DD2 to school.

He has also gone back on a promise he made to DD2 to go to a show she has on Saturday night.

So, WWYD? I need to get him to turn up on time or call me if he's going to be late.

And I am very unhappy about the kids getting themselves up and out in the morning.

OP posts:
worraliberty · 10/03/2011 12:32

I'd organise proper childcare to be honest as that's not on.

hairylights · 10/03/2011 12:33

Not sure there is much you can do, he sounds like a bit of a numpty to be honest.

However, at 12, a child should certainly be able to get themselves, showered, dressed and breakfasted before school, and 9 isn't far off either.

Original poster
itisnotgoingwelltoday · 10/03/2011 12:36

Oh I don't have a problem with them getting themselves ready - but I do have a problem with them mucking out the ponies on their own, apart from anything else it's dangerous!

And I just think it's sad that he doesn't even get up in the morning to see DD1 before she goes to school (he takes them 2 days a week because 2 days a week I start very very early so they go to him the night before)

OP posts:
hairylights · 10/03/2011 12:45

"And I am very unhappy about the kids getting themselves up and out in the morning"

Confused
DorisIsAPinkDragon · 10/03/2011 12:46

Has he always been like this or are things gettting worse more recently?

I think it's a pretty poor effort not to even get out of bed to see a 13 year old dd off to school. It's alot of responisbility to place on her with the mucking out aswell.

Is there any other alternative i.e. a 6th form student or someone who could be with them at that time of the morning before school who you could pay, as frankly he's taking the piss. He is not reliable nor is he providing the care (and parenting/love that your dd's need).

Who owns the ponies are this his your or joint?

goingwiththeflow · 10/03/2011 12:47

From my view it seems like he thinks he is doing you a 'favour' by having his daughters on teh two days a week , but isn't bothered enough on those days to get his backside out of bed to see his eldest off to school.. not a lot to ask I wouldn't think??.
Also agree that although a 12 & 9 yr old are capable of getting selves ready etc etc ..the onus/resposibility to get up on time and everything ready is down to a 12year old (whilst an adult sleeps??) .. if you are not happy about.. it tell him, it seems the kind of guy who would soon tell you what he thought if it was the other way round...
YANBU

hairylights · 10/03/2011 12:51

yes, making them muck out before school seems a bit odd.

Original poster
itisnotgoingwelltoday · 10/03/2011 12:52

He lives out in the country. The ponies belong to the DD's - both of them.

I just think it's sad that he can't even get out of his bed to see her out in the morning - Why are you Confused hairylights?

He wants 50/50 care - I am reluctant to do this and I have told him that part of why is because he isn't putting them first - which I think you should do with kids.

It's a massive responsibility for DD1 - she's 12 and has to get herself ready, all the kit she needs for school organised, and get DD2 up and out to do the ponies (mucking out and feeding).

He always took the attitude "You know I don't do mornings"

It was always my responisiblity to get the kids up and ready and out the door.

He expected breakfast in bed every morning. I was a bad wife because he just got coffee and toast. Not the full cooked like his mother did.

Oh and I texted him last night and said "Can we organise a time to swap the stuff tomorrow" His reply was "I will pick up from you at 3.15." No discussion, no does it suit you or anything.

Was tempted to text back that it didn't suit but that would just be sinking to his level.

OP posts:
Original poster
itisnotgoingwelltoday · 10/03/2011 12:54

His attitude is that if DD1 is there she is capable of doing the ponies and should do them.

He also expects them to empty and load the dishwasher, and if it's been on already that day (as it is only allowed on once a day) they wash the dishes. They also have to clean and clear the kitchen after meals.

In my house they will hardly lift a bloomin cup lol.

In the interests of full disclosure and not doing AIBU by stealth, I feel obliged to point out that his mother is doing all the washing and ironing and she sends food every weekend for them to eat all week.

OP posts:
thumbwitch · 10/03/2011 12:56

YANBU to be pissed off - does this man ever take any of his responsibilities seriously? - but I don't know what you would do about it.

How many ponies are you talking about here - and who owns them? Who does the mucking out when the girls aren't there to do it? And, possibly a silly question, but do they have to do that before they get ready for school, or do they end up running the risk of going to school with that "eau de horseshit" aroma hanging around them?

I think it is putting a lot of responsibility onto your 12yo when he just CBA to get his arse out of bed - that's not good enough, really. Still don't know what you do about it though :(

thumbwitch · 10/03/2011 12:58

Xposted lots there - well one thing I would do is fight the 50/50 residence!

How do your DDs feel about this state of affairs?

Your ex sounds like an utter layabout, btw.

Original poster
itisnotgoingwelltoday · 10/03/2011 12:59

Two ponies - one each. They do it if they're at his - he does it if they're not - or at least he says he does but sure who knows?

They get up by 6.45, are out by 7 and do the ponies and then DD1 gets showered before she goes out to the bus at 7.50. DD2 gets in the shower after DD1.

I only found all this out on Tuesday after it came out that he didn't see DD1 before she went to school in the morning I just assumed that he would be up before she left Sad

But I feel a bit over a barrel and as if he has my hands tied Sad

Should I admit I've cried every time I've thought about it since I found out??

OP posts:
razors · 10/03/2011 13:01

What do your dds think? they may enjoy the responsibility? Have you sked them if they like getting themselves ready?

razors · 10/03/2011 13:01

Oops! ASKED

hairylights · 10/03/2011 13:02

OK so there is now a big back story coming out here, about your past relationship with him.

I think you need to step back and evaluate what part of your current difficulties stems from that, maybe.

From my standpoint, yes, it's a shame that he doesn't get up with them. But that's all, just a shame.

Also I am a bit Shock that you think loading and unloading the dishwasher is not acceptable at their ages - absolutely right to expect them to contribute to household chores, how else will they grow up responsible for themselves?

What has it got to do with you what his mother does?

If they want ponies, they have to take responsibility for them, so I now get the mucking out bit.

I am Confused because you contradicted yourself.

Original poster
itisnotgoingwelltoday · 10/03/2011 13:02

They do the ponies because he said they had to if they were there - and the unspoken thread is that he'll get rid of them if they don't I suppose.

DD1 doesn't like having to get DD2 ready - she says DD2 won't do what she's told and takes too long.

And she doesn't like making their packed lunches Sad

OP posts:
hairylights · 10/03/2011 13:03

honestly I think I understand your frustration, but I also think you are over-reacting.

Original poster
itisnotgoingwelltoday · 10/03/2011 13:04

I just didn't want to be accused of AIBU by stealth.

Don't have a problem with them emptying and loading the dishwasher - but as DD1 pointed out he says that's becuase he has cooked the dinner but he hasn't, Granny has Grin

I don't mind them getting themselves ready if there's an adult up and about but I think he should be up and physically awake and actually see DD1 before she leaves for school.

I don't have a problem that she gets herself dressed or makes a bowl of cereal. But I do think the adult should be up and out of bed

OP posts:
Original poster
itisnotgoingwelltoday · 10/03/2011 13:06

How am I over reacting?

Have I actually said (other than saying I'm upset and have been crying) but I don't think I've actually said I'll do anything have I?

Confused
OP posts:
nailak · 10/03/2011 13:06

does he spend time with them the night before?

mmsmum · 10/03/2011 13:07

YANBU It is unfair on the kids, and it's unfair to leave a 12 alone all morning. My DD is 11 and while she is probably capable there is no way on earth I would lie in bed and leave her to herself!

I think you need to get some arrangements agreed and put in writing, I would get a solicitor to sort something out but if it's too expensive I don't know

Maybe I'd tell him to go sort himself out, he can't be relied on so find out childcare and tell him to come back when he's grown up!

Original poster
itisnotgoingwelltoday · 10/03/2011 13:07

Nailak - sometimes, sometimes not.

Last week they were at my house until 7.20, some weeks I drop them up at 8.30 ish, tonight they are at his from after school club finishes as I have to be out this evening

OP posts:
hairylights · 10/03/2011 13:08

you've said that you've cried about it. To be that upset about it is an over-reaction imho.

You did ask Grin. Or is this another AIBU where the OP just wants to hear that they are not, and can't accept anyone offering any constructive suggestions.

I'm really quite confused here.

You do mind, but you don't?

He does sound like a numpty, but surely not enough to get quite this wound up about?

And certainly not grounds to prevent them seeing him 50/50

Original poster
itisnotgoingwelltoday · 10/03/2011 13:10

So the idea that he's putting my children in danger isn't worth getting upset over Confused

And oh yes I can take it Grin

I don't mind them getting themselves ready if there's an adult floating about in the house and awake but I don't think a 12 year old should be having to get a 9 year old up, breakfasted, out to muck out and feed 2 ponies, back in, shower, then send DD2 to shower as she rushes for the bus.

OP posts:
razors · 10/03/2011 13:10

When I was 13/14 I had a Saturday job in a bakery. I had to be there for 7.30 - I got up made breakfast etc and got myself off to work. So your 12 year old should be able to do that at least. I do think it's unfair that your 12 year old has to help your 9 year old as well - that is a bit much. Can they have school dinners? or could you make their packed lunches the day before? Your ex sounds like a lazy arse and doubt he's going to change any time soon. Try not to let him wind you up. I would also look for a childminder perhaps?